Do you judge Mother’s of young DC that work FT?

[Howcouldyoubelieveme]

I’m a Mum to a 5 year old and a 2 year old and I work full time. I went back in both cases when my DC was 10months old.

I never thought I would be living the life I am but DH has some mental health issues which mean I am the breadwinner and part time or SAHM is not an option. Most people would not know this about me, for context.

Most of the time I feel ok about it, I have my moments of regret and sadness but my work is so busy (lecturer) I can suppress and I make sure the evenings and weekends are amazing for them.

But there are moments, like right now, when I just feel so judged and so isolated. I literally know no one else with young kids who works FT to speak to. All of my Mum friends work pt or not at all. They all have breadwinning partners and I am fearful of becoming resentful that my husband isn’t. They also all have help with childcare, we have no family in this country and I think that makes it worse. I’m the one that works full time in a good job and I’m the one with a tiny house and 12 year old car. Primarily because I spend the best part of a grand a month on childcare. That makes me sound so materialistic! I’m honestly not but it doesn’t help the situation.

So basically Im just ranting and feeling sorry for myself, due to a couple of throwaway comments made to me this morning. I feel like the worlds worst Mum and I just want to go and hug my babies.

Working full time and having children is so fulfilling for me personally. It’s the best of both worlds. It helps to be ruthless if you can about where you put your energy at work and prioritise your family’s needs & happiness (eg getting dates in your diary for school plays, stay n play sessions etc). I do feel sorry for parents who have little control over their work and can’t easily take time off. Flexible employers are key to happy and more productive parents

I had judgement both sides.
One comment about my finally going back full time (DD was 2!) and another saying it was bad enough leaving DD for a part time job....
I completely get what you mean though, but you are setting a brilliant example for your children and you have an amazing career! Which a lot won’t a decade down the line....

My point above is that it is hard for mothers, no matter what. They get judged/punished for any decision they make. It is so hard to know what will end up being "best for the family". Only hindsight can tell you that. I'd never judge any mother for whatever they choose. The way we judge ourselves is bad enough, then there's how so many others will judge us. We can only do our best. There are pro's and con's in both scenarios.

Absolutely no judgment from me (been there, done that) and I have had this same conversation very recently with my two adult DDs, who are both glad that I worked FT during their childhoods. Apparently I am a great role model, they respect me enormously and I have given them a solid work ethic which few of their friends seem to have, which they really appreciate (they are lovely and very kind to me: I was very flattered). One of them also said that I would have been very boring had I been a SAHP and that they find my SIL to be so, as she hasn't worked since having her DCs almost 20 years ago "and is now obsessed with them because she doesn't have much else in her life" (my DD's words - I adore my SIL, though she and I have had very different lives and lifestyles.)

I have also had long periods as the main/sole breadwinner and I can't pretend that I haven't at times felt resentful though. If I had my time again, I think I'd have liked to have worked more PT whilst the DCs were teenagers, but it was never an option financially, and all my DCs (I also have a DS aged 16) think it's better that I'm out of the house when they get home from school so that I'm not on their backs with regards homework, because otherwise "we would fall out big time" apparently, according to DS!

My DH used to travel extensively for work so I was often juggling everything myself and, if I'm honest, he didn't pull his weight as he should have when the girls were little. He also had long periods out of work and suffered from depression as a result, and was therefore fairly useless when at home anyway, so I totally understand why you'd feel put-upon, because I know I did. My parents and in-laws all have their own lives abroad so I had no support at all. But I don't regret any of it now, so hang in there and be kind to yourself.

I don't judge FT working mothers (I am one).

Sorry you're finding it hard at the moment. Console yourself with the knowledge that you will benefit in years to come because you won't have missed out on promotions and other opportunities by taking a career break.

That's how it works for FT working fathers.

Yes I do judge - and I think women like you are absolutely brilliant.

No I don't. And I couldn't care if anyone judged me for doing it either.

Thanks to those of you who’ve put kind words and those who can empathise. It’s so nice to know I’m not alone. It must be where I live but SAHM and pt is the norm here.

I was expecting lots of comments suggesting I find a way to cut my hours and learn to cut my cloth accordingly. Along the lines of what I’ve come across IRL. Thank you, I’m feeling much more positive. And looking forward to getting home this evening 😁

No I dont judge. I was a lecturer when my kids were young. I went part time but all my friends with children worked full time. I am still friends with them. Their now teenage children are lovely, polite and well grounded. They aldo have enough money to go on fabulous holidays whereas I'm still part time and dont
Ignore people who judge you. They can only do it because their husbands are working full time in high paid jobs (an not spending every second eith their children). Not because they are better mothers or because of any moral objection to working mothers. They probably only think about you for 5 minutes before moving onto the next thought.

I’m a bit biased as I’m in an academic profession too, but it’s a passionate career, something you can’t really do with loving it and I assume that your child will grow up knowing that they have a passionate, motivated superwoman of a mother who has always done the right thing for them and their father, that is, providing for your family. Your evenings and weekends and annual leave are precious, and they will reap those days just as much as you.

People will judge on anything and everything. As long as you feel confident, knowing that your doing what’s right for your family, let those comments slide off your back. They are not worth a second thought.

My DH has ill health retirement so I am the main breadwinner. I am self employed and most of the time work full time. I enjoy my job and have no regrets. There's always people judging others. Just ignore them.

No, I would never judge. Mainly because I believe in doing whatever works for you, in this case, whatever you need to. Also because I work part time, and I often feel judged about that. So it would be pretty hypocritical of me to.

No judgement at all. I went back to work with DC's were 3 months old. I've been the breadwinner for the majority, with DH only just going back to work recently. I love my job and I wouldn't want to be a SAHP.

Honestly I don't know any SAHM's.

I don’t judge anyone’s choices regarding working or having children but I do judge the way in which they plan/manage it.

A SAHP- Fine
A FT WOHP with adequate childcare - Fine
Everything in between- Fine

A working parent with unreliable childcare who is constantly late, exasperated, complaining, pointing out that ‘they have children and a job to manage’ and expecting others to pick up their slack - not ok.

I think that choosing to bring a child into the world makes them your number one priority! They do not have to be your only priority but others (like jobs/relationships/hobbies) have to fit around your child and if they don’t it’s not the rest of the worlds fault!

No, I wouldn't judge.
Out all of my friends and neighbors I know of only one woman doesn't work FT. She's taking a career break for 5 years and had 2 DC's close together. Made huge sacrifices to be able to afford it.

No of course not. i do judge sahm's though. such a waste. and contrary to popular belief, not all working mums are only working because they can't afford not to. i work because i want to contribute financially to the household. imagine having no control over how much money comes into the household? nightmare.

I dont know any sahm! Live in Denmark.

Being a sahm around where I live is not the norm at all. I only know a couple and they have large families of 3+ dc and with babies and toddlers.

I went back part time when mine were 12 months old and then once nursery fees went down for the youngest I went back full time. That seems to be the usual pattern to avoid paying high childcare costs around here. But I do know a few who went back full time with babies and I don’t judge negatively I don’t know their reasons but I just hope they are happy with it as I don’t think dealing with full time work and a baby who is young and probably waking at night still would be easy.
I found it challenging working 3 days a week with toddlers who still woke at night!

Nope never.

I think in a few years time you will be massively feeling the benefit of having stayed full time, in terms of career progression. There are up and downsides to any of the choices once you have kids. Have you considered your DH staying at home? It would take some pressure out of the household and save all that childcare cost.

I wouldn't judge at all, I'm the main breadwinner, my DH has chronic treatment resistant depression and a couple of other MH issues, which mean he's not able to do full time work. As a result he's part time self employed, and I work full time, Ds is in nursery full time. We manage the kids, home etc between us. It's really tough sometimes, when DH is going through a bad patch, a lot more falls on me. But it mostly works for us, allows me to keep building my career, allows DH to manage his health etc. We all do what we need to do to manage, who is anyone else to judge?

i would admire. good for you. some eankers are going to judge you for any choice you make for whatever reason.

Absolutely not, because I was one. My DC are well adjusted and happy adults now in professional jobs one with his own house and the other saving for one. We holiday together, socialise together speak often and are pretty normal.

What’s to judge?

No judgement here!! You are taking care of your family the best way you can - never feel guilty about that!

No judgement here! If consider working full time or almost full time to be the norm, but obviously your perception of normal depends on your social group. And for what it's worth, I wouldn't judge regardless of the mothers reasons for working full time - whether it's because that's what's best for the family or because that's what's best for her.

I work 0.8wte because that's what worked out best for us - after paying for an extra day of childcare, working full time would only have left me £50 better off a month so didn't seem worth it. Had reducing my hours not been a choice then I'd have gone back full time - becoming a SAHM wouldn't have been right for me. And I think my DD has much more fun in nursery than she does with me anyway 😂