Bridesmaids - 3 weeks after I’m due first baby?

[Whatelsecouldibecalled]

Sorry not sure if this is the right place! Just need some perspective.

I’m supposed to be a bridesmaid for a close friend 3 weeks after I’m due my first baby. I told her at the time she asked me to be bridesmaid that I could be pregnant/have a small baby she said it was fine. I told her again very early on in pregnancy and have mentioned it since. Both times she said she really wants me to be bridesmaid rather than just in the crowd.

Baby is an ivf baby so hospital have said I won’t go over my due date. So at the very least I have 21 days to sort my shit out to be able to attend the wedding.

Wedding is 2.5 hour drive away. We have a fully recline car seat rather than small pushchair one but will stop a few times enroute. Will involved staying on the Friday at one hotel. Then staying at the wedding venue on the Saturday night. So will have room on the day on Saturday to retire to as and when. I’m planning on formula feeding and so was going to take ready ready made milk and use cold water steriliser. Pram we have bought has a carry cot suitable for over night sleeping so baby can sleep in there. My husband is coming with me so can have baby when I’m doing bridesmaid duties or take him out if fussy etc. I’m worried about still bleeding after birth/nipples leaking/generally feeling shit but I feel like I need to make an effort for my friend.

Please tell me I’m not totally mad for considering it??

What else do I need to consider and prepare for to make this work? Totally clueless first time mum to be!

Thank you

You did absolutely the right thing.

I think it's entirely possible you can make it there to the wedding as a guest not a BM as the focus of your day can mostly be around your baby, rather than the bride.

I was deeply impressed with my friend and her DH who made it to our wedding with their non-sleeping 4 week old, but I could see they were exhausted and it was a huge effort for them to make it. I bailed on an evening invite when DS was about 3 weeks - the thought of having to drive there and get dressed up and be sociable on no sleep was just too much for me, but for you you're having a planned c-section rather than an emergency one after a long labour, and as you're planning to bottle feed then your DH can share night duties from the start.

Honestly if you make it for a glass of champagne at any point then the happy couple should be overwhelmed with the effort you’ve made. Go easy on yourself.

@PrayingandHoping thank you for that. We have gone for the I Sirona which I know doesn’t lay flat but does at least recline but we are still going to stick with the 30 minute rule whilst he is little.

If she is a good friend I'm sure her upset is about the fact that she really wants you to be an important part of the day, because you are her friend, plus maybe even some guilt that she didn't postpone when she knew you would have a baby. If so, you can do lots of reassuring that you're very happy to be a guest and will be part of the wedding in other ways eg help with planning before baby arrives. On the other hand it's also possible she's got carried away with the 'perfect day' and is stressing about an uneven number of bridesmaids looking weird in the photos or something equally trivial, in which case it's not your problem and just ignore. You know her best so you know which of those is most likely. Plus also the fact that if you don't have children or very close friends with children it is hard to understand as others have said. There is no way I could have even gone as a guest but formula feeding will make it a bit more practical so I hope you make it but don't beat yourself up if you don't.

I think it was kind of you to offer to reimburse any deposits paid, but I hope your friend doesn't take you up on it.

Anyway well done on having the conversation. I hope it's a relief to have done it. You can still be a supportive friend and listen to the wedding planning chat etc. On the idea of appearing as a guest - I hope you don't end up paying for uneaten meals if you don't attend. If there's any suggestion of that I would bow out now. It's not just about how you and the baby are feeling physically and emotionally on the day - there's also the fact that you're facing a very long journey with a very tiny baby. Even if you have the easiest childbirth experience and you're all getting lots of sleep etc, the distance is a real problem.

Hi OP,
Just to say - I think you’ve done the right thing, but I also wanted to share my experiences. I’m typing this with my four week old sleep feeding :)

I posted before her birth that I wanted to get home (from UK) to Ireland for Christmas, in particular as we have close family that are unwell. We made all the arrangements knowing they could be changed/refunded, but it was important to me to try. Everyone said I was mad! Or that it shouldn’t be possible. I was due dec 21st. LO was born dec 16th following a long Labour (c 30 hours) and an emergency c section. We flew back to IRL on dec 24th.

While home we did several long car journeys. Baby is EBF, we bought the cybex car seat, I sat with her in the back and we took frequent breaks to stretch (for me too!) and feed. Journeys took longer (if pre baby 2.5, allow at least 4) but were manageable with planning (a long feed before leaving, breaks, plus somewhere quiet to feed before arriving - as everyone wants to see the baby and it’s hard if when you get in the door they are panic hungry or latched!). Oh and snacks packed for me!

So it is possible. Even if a birth doesn’t go to plan. That being said; I was organized. Had thought ahead about things that would make it easier for me - I had planned clothes that were comfortable, feeding friendly, and that I would feel “ok in”. My DH was amazing. When we were in hotels we booked rooms with at least a double and a single bed (so we had space) and preferred to stay in an apartment (kitchen separate space etc). We prepped people before visits in terms of expectations - an all day event would have been too long - I’d have needed time out to rest myself, so with a wedding may have made the ceremony, taken a break, and then the latter parts of dinner and a bit of the dancing. BUT that would suit myself and my babies timing (she’s a night owl, so staying up is easy for me at night as she’s awake anyway and I don’t mind public feeding; but mornings are sacred space as it’s the only time I sleep!).

For us, it was worth it. We pushed ourselves but had invaluable and irreplaceable time with people that mean a lot to us. It was hard but massively rewarding AND most importantly, people respected what we could offer in terms of time and space and boundaries. Sometimes I let LO be held/passed about, others not (it depended on her and my mood and the setting). Decide this before you go (if you do!).

Anyway. I’m sure this is far too long, but just wanted to share. Everyone’s experiences are different. For me, staying at home in my pj’s for the first three weeks, would have meant missing really important life events. I’m glad we made the journey. I’m grateful that we could. It is possibly possible, but your reality is that only you know what suits you and baba and it’s unpredictable.

So sharing hope and wishing you the best, but also saying well done, brave decision and I hope your friend understands xx

I’m replying as I feed my 2 month old and believe me when I say, if she’s important to you and it’s an important wedding then you will be fine and will survive just fine. But be realistic. You may not be ready to leave baby with your DH for a few hours; you may be fine with it. You may feel dress ready; you maybe will still feel a bit “bumpy”. Just be kind to yourself and make sure your friend is flexible. Maybe get DH to do the night shift the day before and day of so you can feel rested?

What you might need:
Formula
Steriliser
Bottles
Nappies
At least three changes of outfit for all of you (changes if shirt for you DH, outfits for DC and an alternate dress for you for maybe after the ceremony) I say this because babies throw up... a lot! And make so much mess, I still can’t make it through without DS wearing a minimum of 3 outfits and me 2 but both covered in sick.
DCs normal bed
Muslins - plenty!
Ear plugs - if you want to sleep and DH do the night before
Postpartum stomach support for you
Maternity pads
A donut pillow for the wedding and the car - maybe depending on your labour
Pain killers
Plenty of snacks for the journey

You can do it for one weekend but it won’t be leisurely! But if watching your friend get married and being a bridesmaid is important you will be ok. Just remember your postpartum body will hurt, ache and could be flat or still have a bump!
Babies at that age sleep a lot in the day, poop with every single feed, get windy and throw up and have a growth spurt so often are awake a lot in the nigh around week 3.
Good luck!

I went to a wedding with dd1 when she was 4 weeks old. It was a dear friend and I was determined to get there and swore blind i would. We agreed I'd only go for the church bit as it was about a 2 hour drive each way and i brought my mum with me for help too but honestly it was awful. I was in tears the night before as dd still wasny in a routine- I had no idea how many bottles to bring. I was expressing milk too at that stage so was trying to manage that. It was great to see my friend in her dress but I was so tired and exhausted from the whole thing. I wouldnt do it again.

Haha not ALL newborn babies sleep lots during the day! Mine seemed to forget to nap at 8 days old! 🙈

I'm a bit confused about the car seat advice as a few people have said they managed long journeys with a baby under 4 weeks old... i was under the impression that current advice is to travel for no more than 20 minutes with a baby under 4 weeks old in a car seat, and it is max 2 hours after that. Did people really stop and get the baby out of the car seat for a break every 20 minutes? Or am I wrong that this is the current advice? Genuinely curious as I will be in a similar boat with a newborn at a wedding soon and it's the car journey and travel time advice that's the main obstacle! Thanks!

@surreygirl I think its every 30 minutes....but yes when we went with dd when she was 4 weeks that's what we had to do too.

@surreygirl1987
This confused me too! We stopped for a short stop c. every 45-50 mins (pulled in, had a feed/change) and took a longer break (ie. over an hour out for lunch/a walk) to break up longer journeys. I sat beside baby and kept an eye on her that she wasn’t slumping down etc.

In general having extensively read the research, the SIDS risk relates to babies being encouraged to sleep in car seats for prolonged periods of time (such as putting them in the car for a drive when they are unsettled and/or the habit of using car seats instead of prams for newborns).

We had to travel and knew we would be - so I asked plenty of midwives and doctors in advance, All said in reality it’s about paying attention to babies needs, rather than a black and white cut off! When you read beyond the headlines the lullaby trust guidance says the same.

It was a 45 minute minimum drive home from the hospital with ours so the 20 minute cut off seems a bit excessive. I'm sure it must make a difference if somebody is sitting in the back with them too compared to if you're driving by yourself.

I had a C-Section and could just about manage to get in and out of the car to take the baby to be registered, I could barely wash my hair and was that exhausted I didn't want to do makeup

I personally, wouldn't do it. It's a huge responsibility and very close to your due date.

Also if your breastfeeding it's still quite early on (I was still learning and had leakage)

Thanks for the info re carseats! The wedding I've been invited to is a 6 hour drive away 🙈 Even stopping off overnight somewhere en route, I think that might not be do-able with an under 4 week old 😫

I did it. went overdue and had forcep delivery with episiotomy in the end 5 days before wedding. it was bloody hard work and very knackering. I felt overwhelmed and cried a few times throughout the day with it all but was important to me to do it. baby was with me most of the day other than the ceremony. ideally I would have been sat on the sofa at home but I'm glad I was able to be there despite it all.
I would add though bride was very understanding and happy for me to do whatever i could manage or not. so I would say your relationship with your friend and her perceptive on it all is an important factor in deciding.

@CatWizard13 did you also have to travel by car for hours and stay overnight?

it was only a 1.5 hour travel and we broke it up by stopping half way
that helped but it still felt like a long journey. we did stay overnight but to be honest that felt easier than travelling back as it was painful to sit in a car.

just to add sorry i didnt see your post OP about your decision. not an easy decision at all but sounds like you have made the right decision for you. good luck with everything

That's a huge undertaking. Presumably you stayed in hospital for a day after the birth, and just a few days later you went on this overnight trip while you were still under midwife care to check your stitches etc and of course with a 5 day old baby.
There can't be many people who would attempt that.

I have to say I would actually be mortified if a friend thought they had to go to these lengths to attend my wedding. I would be quite upset that they wouldn't feel able to say "it doesn't work for us" . I have a baby but I would have thought the same before. Really at a wedding there are so many people there that , no offense, one more or less is not going to make or break the day.

Surreygirl please just say you can't go. You will not regret it!!

@JaneDarcy you are probably right. It's actually more for selfish reasons that I want to go rather than pleasing my friend - I love a wedding and I don't want to miss out! But I am probably being unrealistic. Thanks!