Bridesmaids - 3 weeks after I’m due first baby?

[Whatelsecouldibecalled]

Sorry not sure if this is the right place! Just need some perspective.

I’m supposed to be a bridesmaid for a close friend 3 weeks after I’m due my first baby. I told her at the time she asked me to be bridesmaid that I could be pregnant/have a small baby she said it was fine. I told her again very early on in pregnancy and have mentioned it since. Both times she said she really wants me to be bridesmaid rather than just in the crowd.

Baby is an ivf baby so hospital have said I won’t go over my due date. So at the very least I have 21 days to sort my shit out to be able to attend the wedding.

Wedding is 2.5 hour drive away. We have a fully recline car seat rather than small pushchair one but will stop a few times enroute. Will involved staying on the Friday at one hotel. Then staying at the wedding venue on the Saturday night. So will have room on the day on Saturday to retire to as and when. I’m planning on formula feeding and so was going to take ready ready made milk and use cold water steriliser. Pram we have bought has a carry cot suitable for over night sleeping so baby can sleep in there. My husband is coming with me so can have baby when I’m doing bridesmaid duties or take him out if fussy etc. I’m worried about still bleeding after birth/nipples leaking/generally feeling shit but I feel like I need to make an effort for my friend.

Please tell me I’m not totally mad for considering it??

What else do I need to consider and prepare for to make this work? Totally clueless first time mum to be!

Thank you

@Whatelsecouldibecalled

I haven't looked into car seat recommendations for newborns recently, but the issue for a newborn is that they have a relatively heavy head and weak neck. To imagine the problem, tilt your chin forward so that it's on your chest and feel the change in your breathing. How long would you feel comfortable like that for before you want to lie stretched out for a break?

A quick search found this research into how sitting in a standard car seat affects a newborn's breathing. It calls for additional research, I don't know if that's happened yet.

fn.bmj.com/content/102/2/F136.abstract

Here's the full text of the research study

fn.bmj.com/content/102/2/F136

Yes agree with others it's impossible to say.

Physically I could have done it.

Mentally not a chance. I went into Shock and post natal anxiety took a hold something chronic. Not a chance I could have managed that trip with baby, for anyone.

@Whatelsecouldibecalled yes northern lights explains it really well - it’s because a newborn can’t hold their head up.

Also this is why people should ideally not keep their babies in car seats fixed to a travel system as babies should sleep on flat surfaces

The lullaby trust and nhs have information about this on their websites

Is the only reason you're going because you feel you should? That you "want to make an effort for your friend" (from OP)?

Tell her you've researched new borns in cars. The venue is too far away. It's not safe to have baby in car seat for so long. And you obviously will not be leaving a new born to go to a far away wedding. So you can't go. So sorry. Have a lovely day etc

Oh my god, no, this sounds like hell! You won't want to be a bridesmaid so soon after the birth.

You say you are a people pleaser - at so many points over the journey of motherhood you are going to have to put your baby first and disappoint other people as a result. It is your job as a parent to put your baby first and always stand up for them and their needs 100%. This is one of those situations.

The car seats you mentioned decline but DO NOT lie flat, and while newborns can use these seats an infant carrier (one of the seats that comes out rather than being fixed in the car) is recommended for newborns as they are generally a much better fit for newborns.

You're not going to want to check out of one hotel, pack up, move everything then check into another hotel with a baby. Staying in a hotel with a baby is so stressful at the best of times, never mind two different hotels!

I suspect some of the people saying they went to a wedding early on were attending a wedding close to home that didn't involve staying in a hotel with a newborn.

Your stomach will be big and jelly like - you're not going to want to wear a tight dress and be photographed! You may still look pregnant!

To top it all off, your friend is not a mum and doesn't seem to have much of an understanding of your situation.

How are you feeling about it all now?

Still pretty stressed. I’ve gone back to work this week after school holiday break so not had chance to ring. I’ve resolved I’m going to ring her at the weekend to say it’s just not possible to be a bridesmaid. I will make every effort to be there for the wedding but after talking to other new mums there’s lots of stuff I haven’t considered and the last thing I want to do is let her down last minute and that’s what’s bothering me most. Does that seem like a reasonable thing to say?

I’ve read all the advice on here and I’m very grateful for it. I’ve realised it’s just not going to be possible.

Sounds fine OP just make the caller sooner rather than later. She might not understand, she might be caught up in a wedding self obsessed bubble, but she’ll realise if she becomes a mother.
Do what’s best for you!

I think that's a good plan. Just be very clear about what you want to say: "Unfortunately I can't commit to that." Don't retract and say you might be a bridesmaid, you'll decide after the baby is here / you'll definitely be there as a guest. Just decide on your message ahead of phoning, and don't deviate.

I think this is the right decision for both of you. You can say you're disappointed and you're sorry she's disappointed, but don't promise "to try" or agree to see how you feel nearer the time. At that early stage you can only really commit to doing things on the day. Anything else is unnecessary pressure.

If you do try to attend the wedding, make it a surprise rather than an expectation that you'll be there. As you know, you'll only briefly see her on the day. Maybe you can have a special day later where you watch the dvd or look at photos etc.

The important thing is to put your new family first. It's hard to overstate just how much your priorities will change when you become a parent. You'll want to give your baby whatever they need. A long car journey, staying in a hotel away from your home comforts, possibly still bleeding or uncomfortable, tired... Never mind the horror of people snuffling and sneezing around a newborn... You really don't need the stress.

Actually thinking about it, there are two issues :
You don't know how you'll be on the day
It's really far away

When I posted above I was thinking that you could turn up for the ceremony if you felt up to it. Considering the distance and time in the car, that's not sensible at all.
Have you asked your medical team what they think? I'd imagine they'd try to dissuade you, and may point out other reasons to back out. For example, do ivf pregnancies have a higher rate of instrumental births and c-sections? If so, that's another reason not to commit.

I think what you plan on saying sounds mostly fine. Only thing I'd change is I wouldn't say the thing that is bothering you the most is letting her down. She might try to get you to change your mind and say you'll maybe do it if you say that.

Be honest, and say the thing that is bothering you the most is the health of your baby, as baby won't be able to safely travel to the venue at that point, which is why it is unlikely you'll be able to attend even as a guest.

Yikes. I'm in a similar boat except with my second child, baby will be approx 4 weeks (based on due date) and I'm not a bridesmaid. If the wedding was down the road I'd suggest you pop in and out and try to make the best of it... but a 2.5 hour journey and staying overnight in 2 different accommodations... I would not do.

Honestly my first baby hit me like a ton of bricks. It's different for everyone but you just won't know until the baby's born. I certainly wouldn't dream of doing bridesmaid duties three weeks post partum... I was barely leaving the house at that point and managing to get dressed or shower was a bonus!

I totally get you're a people pleaser... but this could be very tough. The journey in my opinion is the worst of it. I'm sure I read that newborns are supposed to go no more than 20 minutes at a time in a car seat until 4 months, and then it's 2 hours max (but much less is ideally advised as there have been deaths with under 2 hours). Maybe see if you can find that research so you can expkain it to your friend? My son hated the car seat and screamed through every journey until he was around 3 months old so there's no way I could have driven 2.5 hours with him!

Also you say you won't go over 40 weeks because your baby is ivf.... does this mean youbare anticipating induction or c section? Induction has higher likelihood of instrumental births (according to my midwife) and c section obviously has longer recuperation time. I had ventouse and episiotomy, and it was 2 weeks until I could sit down without needing a ring cushion.

Still you never know. You might be a rare lucky person that breezes through those early weeks! Only you can decide but you need to stand by your decision and be honest with your friend. Before I had a child I had no idea how tough it was so I don't blame your friend for not realising how hard this will be for you, but she will have to understand when you explain. Good luck!

I was a bridesmaid 5 weeks after my second was born.

It all went off fine - but my bridesmaid duties were basically limited to signing my name as a witness.
DH looked after the dc in the church, luckily the baby stayed asleep.
I couldn't have done anything more taxing organisationally (e.g. Crowd control/dealing with emergencies etc etc)
I missed the speeches because I was breastfeeding at the time (left the room as bridesmaid dress was a bit too revealing to feed in comfortably - normally I wouldn't mind) and left just after the first dance.
Physically both dc and I were fine, and bride was happy I was there and v understanding that I was no help to her at all!
I'm glad I went. But it's important to be kind to yourself and recognise if you can't manage it.

Thanks all for the input it’s very much appreciated.

I tackled it tonight. It was tricky I’ll be honest she was very upset. I tried to be firm and explain. I think she understood in the end. It doesn’t help that the other two bridesmaids have been totally shit but then that’s not my problem. I don’t know them. We are not a group of friends. I have told her I will reimburse her for the dress and deposits for the hotel room.

I do feel awful currently but I know it’s the right decision. I finished by saying I hoped sincerely that we would be there but would have to see nearer the time. I didn’t want to let her down Last’s minute.

I know I have made the right decision with your help. Thank you

Get a mutual friend who has kids to talk to her. One of my friends was v keen for me to get to her wedding 3.5 weeks after c section, and it took a good mutual friend who’d had 3 sections to spell out why it was a bad idea in some fairly graphic detail. Didn’t hear any more about it after that!

It's impossible to say really. I had a cs and ff and I would have been fine to do this. I think I would have really enjoyed it actually, first party since being pregnant - time to celebrate! But many others haven't had my experience.

Well done for having the conversation. I'm sorry your friend was so upset but hopefully she'll understand in time and if she ever has kids she will get it then. In fact, my own wedding was child-free which out a friend of mine in a tricky position as she had a 6 month old at the time and the wedding was around 3 hours away from her. She did come and left her son with her mother, but it was the first time she'd ever left him. At the time I didn't realise what a bit deal it was but now I've had kids I do, so I had a conversation with her recently to thank her properly and to acknowledge that I understand now. Maybe your friend will have a similar conversation with you one day. Anyway, hope all goes well.

And three weeks post partum all my "leaking" had finished - pv bleeding and nipples. So it's not a guarantee that you'll have fluids everywhere.

Christ, no!

Well done OP. She’s not unreasonable to be upset as long as she wasn’t angry or unpleasant to you, because you have done NOTHING wrong. Of course she is disappointed you’re not there - that’s because her wedding is important to her, and so are you

But you’ve done the right thing and actually put her first in many ways by dropping out now instead of nearer the time, I’m sure once the initial disappointment wears off she will see that

Well done OP. Guaranteed that on the day of the wedding you will be so relieved you are not there!!

thanks all. I just don’t know how it’s going to go. I am hoping that we can make it but as a guest so far less pressure. Fingers crossed we can. But if we can’t so be it

@OP

The cybex iCloud which spins does not lay flat or recline in any way when locked in position in the car. It only reminds when out the car. Designed so if your baby falls asleep in the car when u get gone you can lay them flat rather than get them out and risk waking them

I have this car seat for my 12 week old. It's brilliant bit definitely cannot lay flat or recline when in the car