Bridesmaids - 3 weeks after I’m due first baby?

[Whatelsecouldibecalled]

Sorry not sure if this is the right place! Just need some perspective.

I’m supposed to be a bridesmaid for a close friend 3 weeks after I’m due my first baby. I told her at the time she asked me to be bridesmaid that I could be pregnant/have a small baby she said it was fine. I told her again very early on in pregnancy and have mentioned it since. Both times she said she really wants me to be bridesmaid rather than just in the crowd.

Baby is an ivf baby so hospital have said I won’t go over my due date. So at the very least I have 21 days to sort my shit out to be able to attend the wedding.

Wedding is 2.5 hour drive away. We have a fully recline car seat rather than small pushchair one but will stop a few times enroute. Will involved staying on the Friday at one hotel. Then staying at the wedding venue on the Saturday night. So will have room on the day on Saturday to retire to as and when. I’m planning on formula feeding and so was going to take ready ready made milk and use cold water steriliser. Pram we have bought has a carry cot suitable for over night sleeping so baby can sleep in there. My husband is coming with me so can have baby when I’m doing bridesmaid duties or take him out if fussy etc. I’m worried about still bleeding after birth/nipples leaking/generally feeling shit but I feel like I need to make an effort for my friend.

Please tell me I’m not totally mad for considering it??

What else do I need to consider and prepare for to make this work? Totally clueless first time mum to be!

Thank you

Physically I could have done it after all three of my births as I was fortunate to have relatively straightforward recoveries but mentally/emotionally I get really possessive in those early weeks and wouldn't have been able to be away from baby for very long (i.e to get ready together). I was also still bleeding heavily after my first at that point and sore with stitches.

Thanks all for your advice. I just don’t know how to broach it with her. She hasn’t got any children and is very maternal so not sure she would be that understanding. I’m a complete people pleaser too. I don’t want to let her down the the pressure of feeling like I’m going to let her down is causing a fair amount of distress. Think I’m going to have to ring and have it out.

Just tell her that there is no way you are going to be bridesmaid, and that you really hope that you will be up to travelling and attending the wedding as a guest, but that obviously, you have no idea how you will be feeling at that point as you've never had a baby before.
Give her the choice of you either declining the invitation to the wedding at all, or letting you let her know a week before. Just say being a bridesmaid is not going to happen.

We are all different, but with my first, I would have been touch and go to even be dressed and at a service 2 mins down the road for an hour. The thought of traveling that far and staying in a hotel for two days is laughable. There will be other people on here who would have managed it, but I suspect (taking all new Mums across the country into account) that I am in the majority and the "Of course you can" folk are quite a small minority.

I did it. Reasonable worry was getting into the dress, and breastfeeding from it was a pain- had to undo the back of the dress and sit with a shawl round me.

I was rubbish at the actual bridesmaid duty stuff- didn't get ready with the bride, but would have needed husband and baby to accompany me if I had, and think we'd have filled up her parent's house!! I walked down the isle, and got into the photos etc, we were sat down with the 'plebs' rather than on top table, and struggles to make it through the speeches- we tried to make a quiet exit but they then did the thanking BMs speech right at that moment 🤪

We also went up to the hotel room for an hour or two after speeches and pre disco for some peace.

I bought a ring sling which matched my dress and that was a lifesaver to be honest- elegant enough, good for warming round for privacy and meant I could wrap baby up in it to carry about too.

So so glad I did it though, was more than worth it to be a part of my lovely friend's day!!

You are clearly trying to make this work for your friend, and she should appreciate that. It would probably be helpful to clarify her expectations - she may be completely unrealistic and expecting you to be physically and emotionally recovered and as excited about the wedding as her and available along with any other bridesmaids, or she may just want you to wear a bridesmaid's dress as a symbol of your friendship, and join in with whatever you feel up to at that time. If you can talk about this openly and easily then it may work, you'll definitely need to be able to be honest with each other on the day.

Other posters have mentioned that you may still be bleeding heavily, exhausted, incontinent etc. You may also just be so besotted by your baby that you don't want to be apart (this is normal). You may also feel like no-one can comfort your child as well as you can, and if you're at all distressed or concerned about your baby, you could end up leaking milk because you want to be the one who is holding your child and ensuring they're getting whatever they need.

If you haven't already spoken to your midwife or anyone else in your medical team, maybe they'd be able to help Talk you through some considerations. Personally I'd take the stance that you hope to attend, but can't commit to anything at all. If you were my friend, I'd want you to concentrate on your new role post - birth, and not be at all distracted in the early days by trivialities like whether you'll fit into a certain dress in a week's time. As a new parent you may find you just don't need the stress of trying to perform both roles.

Tricky. I went to a wedding as a guest when my first was 5 weeks. The journey up was fine. Wedding ceremony good. Wait for food a nightmare. I was tired and really hungry.

A the reception my DH and I were sat on same table but couples were mixed up on seating plan. The other couples on the table (who were parents)immediately saw how daft that was and moved so they DH and I sat next to each other.

We got the baby to sleep before dinner came out. Result! We put her in (small) Pram near to us. Hotel staff asked us to move Pram out of room into foyer out of the way. Argh.

Everything ran on, we tried to stay up a bit. Went up to our room. Baby fractious by now and screamed for ages. Next day we drove 3 hours home. She cried most of the way.

A couple of years later this friend had a baby and said, “I’m sorry. I had no idea.”

I think you are right to try to be clear that you really will do your best but what your best is will depends on circumstances that you just cannot predict.

I was bridesmaid three months in and I found that tough! I was breastfeeding on demand so I had to deal with leaky painful breasts and I couldn’t even express Because of the dress and the venue and the logistics of the day (getting ready, ceremony, reception and dinner where I had to do stuff) . Also my tummy was still very big.

Three weeks - sorry but I just can’t see how unless you just do the ceremony for 30 mins.

You may still be struggling to do much if you have a c section - or you could have tears meaning you can’t sit down comfortably. You will still be bleeding, your breasts are likely to be leaking if you are breastfeeding.

And the main thing is if you are breastfeeding you need to establish your supply which takes up to six weeks - you need to feed on demand or you lose your supply. I can’t see how you can be apart from your baby from early morning to after ceremony and then deal with photos after etc. And the dinner etc - all moments when you won’t be able to breastfeed.

Me taking one day to do this at three months messed up my supply for the next month - I can’t begin to imagine doing that at three weeks when you will have a tiny, very demanding baby in it’s fourth trimester and you will be recovering from the birth.

Your friend is wrong to pressurise you like this. but if you aren’t keen you should just say you are so honoured but you need to politely decline. That way both parties will have certainty.

It’s the biggest thing that is likely to happen to you and takes a lot out and your health and baby is obviously the most important thing here

She will understand if she becomes a mum!

I couldn't have done that when Ds 3 wo. I couldn't (wouldn't) even have gone to a wedding at all at that point. pND was hitting, I wasn't getting any sleep and I was still spraying milk every time ds needed to feed.

For me, wouldn't have been realistic

OP can you not ring her and say that you've been all excited but now spoken to some mums who have given you lots of info that's made you aware it might not be possible? Explain why and tell her that experienced mums have helped you think about it more.

As I said before I think have a friendly but frank discussion with her to ask if she will be 100% understanding if at the time, you just can't do it. Even if that means pulling out at the last minute.

I think that's the crux of the matter, otherwise you might ruin the first few weeks of baby arriving worrying about this if you think she will be at all annoyed with you, then let her know that unfortunately you won't be able to attend but you understand it's disappointing.

A good friend should understand your position on this!

so much depends on the birth, the baby, your recovery etc etc.

With my first, it would have been hard, I would have struggled to stand for the ceremony/photos etc, and would have found sitting at the tables for the recpetion also difficult.

But with dd1 and 2, it would have been fine, especially with dh there to look after the baby. I also demand breastfed, and I could still have done it with dd1 and 2. (with dd2 we went to London to see the lightgo to the natural History museum with dc1 and 2, when dd2 was 3 weeks old, she was in a sling and just slept and fed.)

But honestly with my first, ds, who was an angelic, model, easy baby, I could not have managed the day, due to difficult birth and heavy bleeding afterwards for ages, and very sore due to stitches etc.

Sleeping with baby in a astrange bed, worrying about waking other people up wouldn't have been great, neither would the worry about blood on the sheets.

I think that the fact you’re unsure about it indicates it’s probably very wise to speak to your friend asap and tell her you will attend as a guest if you’re able to but she can’t rely on you to be a BM. There’s a lot leading up to the day itself e.g. dress shopping/fitting, hair trial, hen do...the list goes on.
I’m currently 16wks pg with my first and we’ve been invited to a wedding 3 hrs away, 8 weeks after my due date. We’ve said we’ll go if we can but are going to completely play it by ear as we don’t know how I or the baby are going to be doing. Luckily the bride is lovely and very understanding!
Good luck whatever you decide.

My DIL was a bridesmaid when her DS was 9 days old. She had a floaty wrap around dress that allowed for baby weight and breast feeding and I stayed in the hotel room with DGS and just texted her if he needed feeding. It worked very well, but she did have a pretty straightforward birth and not affected my baby blues/PND.

I went to a wedding a week after having my LO, still bleeding and with a 2nd degree unstiched tear. Had a whale of a time. Don't get me wrong I didnt boogie as much as I normally would have done, in fact thinking about it I didn't at all, but still!!

Think your friend may have to appreciate that you won't be able to do any running around as such, just be there on hand to fill up bubbles glasses, I also think she is be slightly unreasonable to expect you to get ready with her for the whole morning but then again she might not want you feeling left out of the build up 🤷‍♀️

Yikes.

You just can’t predict how you will feel, that is the problem. You may be very lucky and feel fantastic, and want to / be able to go. However, I haven’t known anyone who could be a bridesmaid with a 3 week old newborn. My best friend was my bridesmaid when her DS was 6 weeks old, but our wedding was local and her mum was there as well as her DH.

At 3 weeks old, we had only been home from hospital for a week. I was desperately trying to establish breastfeeding and was basically on the sofa with my boobs out all day, in my pyjamas. I couldn’t even bear the thought of going to the supermarket, let alone a wedding.

I really think you should talk to your friend and prepare her that it just might not work out.

I thought "no" before I even read your post.

I went to the local supermarket with DH and baby at 10 days . As we queued to pay exhaustion hit me like a ton of bricks and I was so happy to be home in ten minutes. And I had a great birth and a great baby.

It's not worth it. She won't even notice that you're not there. Just say no now and concentrate on you and baby.
Plus there's exposing baby to lots of people and having to stop in the car with baby - what's the current recommendations on babies in car seats? One hour max?

Another thing - after baby for a month or two when I had to use the loo (for anything) I had to use it immediately . No hanging around. Might not be possible at a wedding.

I had a baby by c section 4 days ago. All went straight forward and I'm breastfeeding, it's my second baby tho. I'm feeling good, bleeding nearly stopped and feel I would be ok to bridesmaid in 3 weeks. If you have a partner who is capable to looking after baby and you are formula feeding, I think it would be fine. I'd do it but do the minimum bridemaiding duties required if u know what I mean.

what's the current recommendations on babies in car seats? One hour max?

30 mins.

Yes 30 mins for newborns unless you get a specialist flat car seat

That was also something we found difficult

@meshy12 is this also the case for the car seats that tilt back and stay in the car. For example the cybex 360 spin or joie 360 spin as they both tilt when locked in place? Thanks

@whatelsecouldibecalled I think it has to be marketed as a lie flat car seat - joie I lit is an example or Jane do one. We borrowed the Kiddy evoluna for long journeys. They tend to be much more expensive but are a good investment if you make long journeys

I can’t see whether the cybex and joie 360 seats are lie flats so worth checking

*Joie i-level

Found this article for you - for newborns there is also a two hour limit within a 24 hour period

www.madeformums.com/reviews/6-best-lie-flat-car-seats-from-birth/

I've been there and done that and really resented it. I agreed to be a bridesmaid before they'd chosen a date. Wish I'd had the back bone to say no.

The actual day was fine. It was just the stress leading up to the day ... I feel I spent a lot of mental energy worrying about it when I just wanted to focus on the baby.

@Meshy12 thanks. At what ages can they go in car a little longer? I’m so confused!!