Telling your child to hit back

[Mamabear1988]

So I just saw a post on facebook about telling your child to hit someone back if they hit them. I find the comments a bit shocking - things like punch the little shit harder, knock them out etc.

So who here tells there child to hit back?
Maybe I'm over reacting but it just doesn't sit right with me at all, I would never encourage my boy to be violent. What's the general consensus?

I can’t decide where I stand on this one. It’s something I have given some thought to but still can’t come to a conclusion.

If I was hit in the street or at work I’m not even sure if I would hit back or not! Anyone else?

Thanks @wax. I guess it's the 'equal' that you mentioned that I struggle with. If my boy is the same age and size as a girl (when he's older), I feel totally comfortable telling him to hit back a boy the same die and age, but am hesitant to tell him the same if it's a girl. And that worries me. I'm a schoolteacher and a proponent of women's rights and gender equality... but am still a bit stuck and uncomfortable with this issue. I dont want to hijak the thread as I know the OP didn't originally ask about gender, but if anyone has any thoughts on this I'd family welcome them!

@Itsrebekahvardysaccount I actually don't know. It's been a long time since I've had this sort of situation (when I was a teenager). As a child, I wouldn't have hesitated. But as an adult... I can't imagine a colleague at work hitting me (I'm a teacher). And if a random stranger on the street did I'd probably be worried they'd have a knife or something so would try to escape asap and call the police I guess!

I trust my ds (8) to know right from wrong. If someone has lost control and is losing the plot (as happens in his school) hitting them back is fighting fire with fire and not going to help. I trust he would also know not to hit a toddler/very small child back. However time after time the "nice" kids are hit and hurt and the school dont/cant do much about it. And whilst I agree the the 100% correct advice is to tell a teacher and walk away I also understand that the school playground can be a rough place with not a lot of adult supervision. I have told him he is nobodies' doormat and he stands up for himself and his friends. Dont let people walk over you. Some children are still learning is how I sell it but its still not ok for them to hurt others/you. The other day at soft play for example he was on a bouncy castle and a child a little younger than him was trying to push him over and jump on him (perhaps in rough play) but he didnt like it and pushed him away and said/shouted "dont do that" boisterous child stopped and I told him he did the right thing.
If I had to give a yes/no answer it would be yes it's ok to hit back. Obviously as adults the situation is different but in our school anyway children who hit are tolerated it would seem and not exclude or expelled so he has to stand up for himself. Hitting back does stop them hitting him again. Sadly.

I tell my kids to never start a fight but to defend themselves. I've told them to shout 'No! Stop!' firmly while gesturing with their hand and to fight back if they keep hitting. I never actually told them to hit back but to defend themselves and fight back. I've also told them that you can also fight back using your voice.

I think there is a difference between self defence and retaliation. So I will teach a child that the best defence is to get out of situation to a safe place without retaliating. If it is necessary to use violence to get away, a sharp kick to the knee cap is effective. I want her to be able to get away from an adult attacker if necessary, but I don't want her to be shoving everyone who brushes past her.

Children need to defend themselves.

JFC I hope his school are shit hot at safeguarding the other kids from him.

My son is a baby at the moment but I’ll be telling him to hit back just as I was told. Now I’m not a violent person at all and never was but as a child was an easy target because I was shy and timid. My mum told me to hit a girl back which I did and I never got hurt by her again. Unfortunately bullies only learn by someone standing up to them. And I don’t trust schools/ other parents to deal with it effectively. I don’t want my son to become a victim and want him to feel confident and safe. Equally if I found out my son was using this to hurt other children without provocation, I would speak to him and deal with it.

I teach mine to initially tell an adult, but if it continues hit back.

We were at a soft play (yes I know! 🙄) and ds1 and 2 were constantly being hit and punched by another kid.
They told him to stop and told me about it.
He didn’t
I told him to stop (no idea where his parents were)
He just laughed and carried on
Ds1 had enough and threw him on the floor.
He stopped.

I always say walking away is the preferable option.
Most of the time hitting back just escalates the situation.

It will depend on the situation. We only hear our child's interpretation of what happened. My child is in year 3.

We’ve always taught our child to avoid violence. However, he’s been telling us that certain children have been pushing him and laughing at him (their friends are laughing at him too) so each time we’ve told him to tell the teacher.

He says tells the teacher and says they don’t do anything. This has been going on since September, it’s now almost February.

Last week he told us a boy was repeatedly pushing and kicking him so we went to the school who advised that if it happens he should tell a teacher. This is what he’s been doing since September.

Yesterday I was called in because he’d punched a boy.

My son had gone to a teacher when the boy pushed him over and laughed at him (along with all of his friends). The teacher did nothing so my son said to the teacher “This boy keeps pushing me and if he does it again I’m going to hit him.” The teacher said “Ok” to him which he interpreted as ‘It’s ok to hit him back’.

The teacher hadn’t even checked to see what was going on. The boy pushed him again, laughed and ran away so my son chased him and hit him. My son is now being punished for hitting another child.

The teacher who told him off and punished him was not the teacher he has been going to each time things happen. That teacher works in between schools so I don’t know if they are communicating.

There have never been any issues with my son’s behaviour in school until now. I tell him not to hit them back and to always tell a teacher but if they do nothing is he supposed to just let people hurt him? Is this going to be become normalized? Why should they get away with humiliating him regularly and why aren’t the teachers at least checking? Even if they go over and say “What’s going on?” It’s at least something.

If my child is assaulted she needs to know to defend herself. In this circumstances, yes, I would tell her.