Telling your child to hit back

[Mamabear1988]

So I just saw a post on facebook about telling your child to hit someone back if they hit them. I find the comments a bit shocking - things like punch the little shit harder, knock them out etc.

So who here tells there child to hit back?
Maybe I'm over reacting but it just doesn't sit right with me at all, I would never encourage my boy to be violent. What's the general consensus?

@userxx

That’s the thing, you can try to be the fair one that turns the other cheek but the bullies will perceive it as weakness and come after you, again and again. That’s why you hit them back so hard the first time, they and their friends will know to never try it again. My parents did teach me though to never hit first.

“Unfortunately if you take away a child’s only defence from an aggressor you are immediately creating a victim. Most parents instinctively know that bullies only understand one thing and that is to hit them back, and yes sometimes harder.”

Absolutely this ^^

My heart says the ‘don’t hit back’ idea is right. My head - and experience - tells me that this doesn’t work, and just sets the victim up as an easy future target.

I was taught by my parents that if I was hit, to hit straight back, only twice as hard. It worked and I only ever had to do it once. Far better that than to be a victim, dreading school everyday,and developing a chronic anxiety problem. I will be telling my daughter the same.

Lola, I don’t know how effectively your school tackles bullying, but many don’t. If my DD hit back, and it was classed as ‘retaliation’, and she got a detention, I would be telling her i was not angry with her at all, and the school had got its priorities wrong. I would immediately lose my faith with the school, too. And I am not the type of parent who fights the school. I am the type of parent whose child is always on time, homework is always done, uniform adhered to, teachers backed up. I volunteer for the PTFA and am in school every week hearing a child read. Not the sort of parent whose support the school would like to lose, I would guess.

I think you do also have to teach your child that they might find themselves punished for hitting back, but that life isn’t fair and to take it and move on. After all, if you hit an attacker in public you could well find yourself arrested and detained for a period of time whilst the situation is established and resolved.

My parents always taught me to hit back. I was the quietest most goody-goody kid in primary school but one day I snapped and walloped this girl who had been picking on me across the face. School were shocked, got detention, report to my parents, etc. I was terrified! My parents got the report and then took me out to McDonald’s as a reward xD

Funnily enough the girl left me alone after that and I haven’t grown up into a violent psychopath.

Love your parents riotlady.

I wish I’d hit the school bully but I always thought I was too weak and would end up beaten up in the resulting fight

I wouldn’t when they are young due to mixed messages and also I’ve seen children with my own eyes get upset about being hit when they have just been brushed passed!

But I wouldn’t rule it out when they are older and tried alternatives.

Lots of stories about how it worked. Suspect there may be stories about how it didn’t. There is a risk that the bullies then turn up with their mates/ older siblings etc etc.

Tolleshunt
Our school deals with bullying seriously and is good at dealing with it (I don't believe any teacher who claims bullying doesn't happen in their school as it happens in all schools).

We also don't tolerate violence between students.

A student who shoves someone off to get out of a situation wouldn't be sanctioned, nor would someone backed into a corner who needs to physically defend themselves. We have CCTV covering most of the site too. We're not the sort of school who'll pretend that any altercation between 14 year olds will be resolved by the victim saying "please use kind hands or I'll tell a teacher" (because that's bollocks and we all know it).

Violence between students is very rare in our school because we don't tolerate it and we don't tolerate bullying.

The problem with "just hit them back harder" is that there's too often zero differentiation between physically defending yourself and snacking someone to send a message. One is reasonable. The other isn't.

Equally, I've seen situations where a student shoves another student really hard into a wall because "they shoved me first". The reality? It's a corridor and CCTV clearly shows it's busy and there wasn't so much of a brushing of bags. Of course that child's parents were straight in claiming physical bullying from the victim despite all evidence saying otherwise. The aggressor still had the belief they should sort things out physically because home had told them this. Over the years they spent a reasonable amount of time in isolation/excluded because their whole approach from home was to sort things out with violence.

I teach my children to stand up for themselves, preferably in a non violent way. I think teaching them to hit isn't the way. Having said that they do go to martial art classes and are taught there how to kick and punch properly, not in anger, but in self defence should they ever be attacked ( although the class teacher does make it clear it's not designed for the playground) but if they got jumped coming out of school then I know they have tools to at least get away.

I wouldn’t tell my child to hit back (in theory there is a better response, verbally crushing someone has always been my preference for instance). But of course sometimes hitting back is the best a child can come up with. It’s better than doing nothing and it’s better than telling. I’d never punish a child for retaliation unless it was completely disproportionate.

Thing is even as an adult if someone walked up to me and hit me unprovoked, I am dammed if I’d stand there and take it. Why would I expect my dc to, if a child does that to them at school?

When I was a child me and my brothers were told we can’t start arguments or fights but if someone is saying horrible things or hitting us we can say something or hit them back. I’ll be telling my dc the same when they start school, children can be very spiteful and my dc aren’t not going to be little victims too afraid to stand up for themselves.

My 5 year old seems to be the one that shit happens to and I have to say I'm getting sick of it. Granted I don't know how is actually true as 5 year olds do talk a fair bit of bollocks. However I have told my son to stand up for himself, I've told him if someone hurts him to tell a teacher but if it keeps happening he has my permission to hit back!
He was really sad one night because another kid kept hitting him and he didn't want to retaliate because he was scared to get in trouble and then not be 'class star'. I have explained to him that it is wrong to hit someone first but it's not wrong to stand up for yourself.

My 19 year old son is still dealing with the mental health issues from being bullied in primary school. We'd always told him not to hit people. By the time we found out about the bullying and let the school know and try to sort it, it was clear that nothing other than giving the bullies a taste of their own medicine would work. He wouldn't do it and the problem was only resolved by a change of school.

If I had my time again i would reach him to hit back on a proportionate basis.

Sometimes it's the only way to deal with some people.

Thinking about it, all four of mine have had to hit back at some point; they are quite geeky, brainy kids so someone having a go seems to come with the territory.

When DD was 10, we moved from the rough side of town to the naice side and on her very first day a girl attacked her physically. DD immediately fought back and her new little friends were shocked; they'd been putting up with it for years.

I must admit I was worried sick that DD would be branded a rough troublemaker but nothing was ever said and the girl left her well alone after that.

There is a risk that the bullies then turn up with their mates/ older siblings etc etc.

Personally, I think the risk of this happening out of school is far higher if the victim has ‘grassed’ the bully up in school.

Bullied usually prefer an easier target - ie the kids who don’t fight back.

I tell my kids to hit back.....they won’t be anybody’s punchbag

Lola it sounds like your school take it seriously and do a good job. My one concern would be that school won’t be able to control the environment outside of its own premises. What happens to the bullied child when they’re making their way home on the bus/train/foot, once they have told on the bully? The bully knows they have been dobbed on, AND that the victim doesn’t like to fight back.

Dobbed IN!

I tell ds 5 to hit back.If a bully hits and they get the same back they are much more likely to not pick on that child again.I was brought up to not retaliate just tell a teacher and this did me no favours.Id come down on him like a ton of bricks if he hit someone first but imo there is nothing wrong with sticking up for yourself.

My 19 year old son is still dealing with the mental health issues from being bullied in primary school. We'd always told him not to hit people.

So sorry to hear about your son Wax. This is exactly my concern. I know adults in middle age whose whole life has been affected by being bullied as a child. I see it as vital to nip it in the bud ASAP, and the way to do that is to deter the bully by fighting back.

Tolleshunt
Honestly violence doesn't happen very often at all at our school. We can't police what happens out of school, but we do work with parents and the police and follow up any reports.
I think we do a good job of taking things seriously and our parents are usually supportive (even if their DC has been the bully because most parents don't promote that kind of behaviour). It takes a lot of hard work to build those sorts of community relationships.

I've told my children to hit back if someone hits them for no reason.

I think if you want to teach your kids that, fine - but you should also be prepared to teach them that hitting people, no matter for what reason, still has consequences. I would teach my DS not to hit - especially if there’s an adult nearby who can help to resolve the situation. If he’s 12 and at the park with no supervision obviously that changes the scenario - letting yourself get beaten up is no good either.
In my experience, the children of the parents who have the ‘hit back’ attitude (the ones who fee the need to tell everyone about it) often are also the parents of those who hit first. They think they’re being ‘cool’ parents. When they post it on Facebook they’re just being attention seeking twats...

Exactly Tolles. He is and was a big strong lad and if we'd found out about it earlier then maybe we'd have been able to get him to stand up for himself. He is still socially isolated and suffers from selective mutism, so hard to get support.