Telling your child to hit back

[Mamabear1988]

So I just saw a post on facebook about telling your child to hit someone back if they hit them. I find the comments a bit shocking - things like punch the little shit harder, knock them out etc.

So who here tells there child to hit back?
Maybe I'm over reacting but it just doesn't sit right with me at all, I would never encourage my boy to be violent. What's the general consensus?

I agree that children should be taught to defend themselves if they're being attacked. DS is still tiny and I'm not sure how we'll deal with this when and if the time comes, husband and I are both ex teachers and he is very much of the 'don't hit back' school of thought. I think his feelings might be different if the situation wasn't hypothetical and our son was actually frightened and hurt.

What I would say though is that very little ones especially are often bad at telling the difference between a clumsy accidental push and an actual deliberate attack. I've witnessed several incidents where a child has bumped into another by accident, or hit them accidentally with their bag because they weren't paying attention etc and received a thump as the other child had been taught to hit back. One incident resulted in a very nasty injury. I think it's important to be sure your child can tell the difference.

Oh no wax Poor lad.

Most bullies have been bullied at home they are living what they learn and the schools and other organisations are likely to know the sad family backgrounds ... and there is enormous pressure to try and keep all children in the schools as once they fall out of education there is v little hope for them.

Unfortunately, they impact on the children who are not going thru tremendous events .... (I do appreciate there may be some children who have the best opportunities who for some reason, maybe, yet to be revealed/diagnosed psychopathic tendencies are bullies.) ... is very real and horrible to deal with.

Do you go into the school and speak to the class teacher and ask them to ensure your child is not the target of the bully and that you will be asking for updates about playtimes? This sounds like a good one?
Do you explain to your child, they have unhappy childhoods or are prob mentally ill? Potentially weaponising your child in a different way?
Do you teach your child to hit back if it carries on. Your child will likely be caught and then punished the first time this happens. Is this something you and your child are prepared for?

Two real situations.
My son in reception, had a little friend who was pushed about out of school by a neighbours child who was v large and a year younger and the little friend's dad (very lovely people) had apparently said well you must push him or hit him back.

The next day in the lunch queue my son pushed in front of his little best friend who punched him ... mortified mum and friend visiting after school. My reaction was, well it could so easily have been the other way around. All over it and remained best friends.

At first year in secondary school, older girls pushed, our girls into the road for no apparent reason when walking home. I told the school and the school intervened v sensitively and spoke to first year girls, got them to identify older girls, ensured staff on look out on way home and we parents ensured safe houses along the way home too. Never happened again.

Lola your school sounds great. It would be marvellous if good practice like that could be shared amongst other schools.

DS was bullied for years at secondary school and nothing was done about it because the other boy's dad had been in prison and everyone was scared of him (DS's aunt worked at the school and told us that). DS had been going to MMA lessons and cage fighting, but had been told by his sensei that he couldn't fight outside of the dojo or he would lose his licence, so he never retaliated until one day when the other boy pulled his glasses off and stamped on them, before kicking DS in the stomach and pushing him into a corner so he couldn't get away. DS snapped and punched him once, hard enough to break the other boy's nose. He was never touched again. It may not be the perfect answer, but when nothing else works and he needs to be safe at school, I don't see what the alternative is.

I have on occassion allowed it. I have 3 with slightly different maturity levels at different ages so my advice was tailored to each of them. But basically KS1 if someone hits you tell the teacher, if they hit you more than once/its difficult to get to teacher etc start shouting loudly/try to move away. KS2 if someone who you know to be trouble/violent/aggressive (by this time in school it's quite obvious) hits you first time warn them to stop/move away/shout etc. If the second time they do it no help is coming you can hit them back and immediately get out of situation. You mustn't lie about it be honest and upfront to teacher, tell me and if you are punished for it and I think its unfair I will back you up to school.

Secondary school age I did caution about possibility of others getting involved/weapons etc. Daughter at all girls school no problems. Son at mixed and rougher school. At beginning of year 7 he told me he had pushed another boy in class (teacher didnt see him so he got in no trouble but he had made no effort to hide it). Boy had pushed him in corridor, taken his chair on arrival in classroom knocking him with chair both of which hed let go then tried to take his bag making physical contact. Ds pushed him off and told him to leave him alone. Thankfully boy has left ds alone since but has continued to be aggressive towards others. School moved him around firms and put o report etc but dont seem to address smaller individual incident.

If teacher "did not see him" push boy in class and verbal alongside I think they are ignoring it tbh.

I don’t encourage it as a general rule. But I have made it clear to my 4yo after a couple of incidents at school, that she’s never to start a fight, but can damn well finish one if she needs to

I strongly believe in advising hit back harder, I have helped to raise several children and this was my message to them all. Thankfully none of them needed to use such measures.
I was bullied as a child in primary school for a few years and it really was terrible. My parents followed anything the school said never wanted to cause a fuss, hence the bullying lasting so long. Eventually it stopped when the bullies family relocated. I'm nearly in my 40s and still remember the vileness of it all.
Since then I have always had a great disgust for any situation, which has any form of bullying. I did become rather hardened by my experience and am still rather forthright in my approach with dealing with others.

DH is still trying to get to grips with the mental scarring he has from being bullied from a very young age and he is 42 now.

He was bullied mentally and physically for a number of years by (and how to put this in a correct PC way) a young man of colour. He never retaliated. The school did absolutely nothing about it. FIL popped round their house one evening to discuss it with the other lads father and the following day FIL was hauled in front of the headmaster and DH and asked as to how long they had been racist for. DH was taken out of school 6 months before his GCSE's and went from straight A* student to only achieving half his expected grades as his new school had completely different exams. The bullying was that bad his parents didn't feel as though they had a choice.

Sorry to ramble but the point I'm trying to make is that he and his family did the whole "nicely nicely"approach and it got them nowhere. We tell DD1 that if she gets picked on, you stand up for yourself and if that means getting physical, you do it.

My kids will not being go through what DH
went through and is still going through because of some little bastard.

hops of soapbox

Interesting reading. My DD is only 1 and a half so not really thought about this yet but I guess me and DH would be well to pick a consistent stance on this from now. Last time I took her to playgroup she was attacked 3 times by older boys (twice by the same boy - the second time the mum came and said "was that him again? I wasn't watching" !!!) for no reason at all. It really shook me and now I know I need to stick to her like glue to ensure it doesn't happen again. It is so unfair that I have to do that, it should be the parents of the children who are attacking others that are being watched by their parents to prevent them attacking other kids!

In terms of bullying later in life, I was bullied through most of secondary school and it contributed a lot to the development of severe depression and anxiety. In my twenties now and still struggle with significant anxiety. The bullying has permanently affected me. It was never physical but one day after years of tormenting when I was about 15? A couple of the girls were making fun of me and I just got so enraged I remember I was carrying a little cool bag with a bottle of water in it and the girl was sitting down and was sort of shouting at me as I was walking past so I just dumped it with all my might right onto her head/face and then continued walking. Lots of people nearby died with laughter at it. Later that day a whole group of them came and surrounded me when I was going to the toilets and threatened me, but not including the girl i'd hit - I stood my ground and said that she deserved and they all knew what to expect next time they said something similar. They left and I literally never had any bother again. And I remember feeling so annoyed with myself that I hadn't just done something similar years earlier!! My parents would have supported me as well but I was always too ashamed to ever tell them about the bullying because a lot of it was to do with my sexuality and I knew that would be a problem for them so I was never able to discuss it. I dont want a similar future for my DD.

It's the only language these little 'darlings' understand.
Kept me from being bullied when I was a kid on a rough estate back in the 80s. But of course, kids these days are more devious with their bullying tactics.

Wow at this thread. Really surprised.

I tell mine to tell an adult if they get hit/hurt. In fact I’ve specifically told them not to retaliate as it will make both kids as bad as each other in the adult’s eyes and means the first hitter is less likely to get into trouble.

Having said that, I can only take this approach because they are at a great school which (so far) I trust to deal seriously with any hitting, and the parents are also the type to take it seriously. Hitting etc has been very rare and a one off.

If it was happening repeatedly and school didn’t sort it I might well change my approach (and also change schools).

Actually so far the nastiest behaviour we have experienced has been verbal and exclusion. My battle has been to teach DD1 not to hit out in response to some of the verbal attacks on her.

@minipie
My sister was very like you, don't fight back, take the higher road. Unfortunately my dn was being bullied horribly.
Eventually dn snapped and whacked the bully and it stopped. He's still bitter many years later for the bullying he took because his parents were so pc and my ds admits it was probably bad advice.
I always gave my children 3 steps to follow, ask the bully to stop, push the bully away and then if necessary whack the bully as hard as you can.
Sometimes a child just needs to know they can hit back to give them the confidence to deal with bullying.

Yes if it was happening repeatedly and telling an adult was doing nothing I would take a different approach.

How come none of your three steps is tell an adult?

Also it depends on the particular child’s personality. My DC are no doormats and if anything are too ready to hit back . And their hitting back will possibly be harder and definitely more unsubtle than the initial hit. And this gets them into trouble. So I have to encourage them in the other direction.

If I had a child who didn’t have much confidence and seemed to be in the receiving end of being hit a lot and wasn’t inclined to retaliate, then I suppose I would probably be encouraging them to be tougher in their response.

Mama he's my ds has to move schools. He'd already been referred for CBT due to school anxiety by Camhs (he has asd). School didn't recognise the anxiety and he was too anxious to attend after the knife incident.
I had to fight. The school he loved to was over 3 miles away and so I expected transport. They kept saying I chose to send him there and I kept telling la that actually I chose the catchment school. The fact they couldn't meet need was LA responsibility and the fact they failed to follow procedure was a safeguarding issue. Once I started involving much higher up agencies they provided a taxi everyday!

Candle that was an unnecessary and nasty post. Mama has actually taken on board what others have said and said people raise interesting points.

The bitter truth is if you have a brown or black DC like I do then telling him / her to hit back just puts the spotlight on them and they are labeled the troublemaker. As they get older they are also more likely to be jailed or even stabbed for behaviour like this. ‘Hitting back’ only works for the white middle class kids - not anyone else.

I think it depends on the age and if they understand hitting back in defence after telling a teacher hasn't worked.

I wouldn't teach my 2 year old it's ok to hit back as he simply wouldn't understand and would just think hitting was acceptable.

When he gets to school he will be taught he can defend himself, if in a situation of being hit and the teacher not dealing with it.

My child is 4 and was kicked on Friday and had mud rubbed allover her face my a six year old with learning problems. The teachers have dealt with it. I fully hope that child never goes near her again but if she does then I will tell my child she can defend herself. I'm not being funny teachers seem to miss half the stuff they happens. If there's nobody their to protect them then they need to know they can defend themselves surely

My middle dd will not retaliate and will go and tell a teacher. Unfortunately this only makes things worse for her and makes them tease her even more. I’m dreading my youngest starting as she will stomp around the playing ground looking for these people that pick on my middle one.

It really depends on a child’s personality.

I tell my middle to hit back but I know I will have to warn my youngest not to hit at all as she will go to far.

I would tell my kids to say "stop" clearly and push them away if necessary and leave the situation ASAP but I would not be angry if they acted differently to that in self defence. I come down hard on them initiating violence though.

When I was a kid, my dad told me and my brothers never to start a fight, but if we got hit, to hit back. He didn't want us getting bullied and not defending ourselves. We followed that advice as kids in the midlands and actually it was useful.

Also, out of curiosity, what role does gender play? As a girl, I wouldn't have hesitated hitting back at either a girl or a boy. But now I have a son. For those of you who tell your children to hit back if they are hit... foes that include telling your sons to fight girls back? Genuinely curious as I have a one year old boy. It's obviously a while until I have to deal with this with him, but unsure how I will approach it and curious what others do and say.

surry I'd say gender is irrelevant but size and power are. So, if someone hits you first, you take account of the age and power and intention behind it and respond from that.

So, you are 8 and a 2 year old hits you, no need to hit back, just make sure they understand that it's not nice. So "NO!" Don't hit me and walkaway/stand your ground.

11 year old girl hits 9 year old boy quite hard but she's smaller, hit back if required but at similar level of power.

So, if you are a boy and a girl is bigger, nastier and as strong as you (or your equal) then feel free to hit back.

The harder issue is when it's verbal and they gang up and they make fun of someone and encourage others to do so. Harder to deal with and probably hurts more in the long run than a few exchanged punches.