Telling your child to hit back

[Mamabear1988]

So I just saw a post on facebook about telling your child to hit someone back if they hit them. I find the comments a bit shocking - things like punch the little shit harder, knock them out etc.

So who here tells there child to hit back?
Maybe I'm over reacting but it just doesn't sit right with me at all, I would never encourage my boy to be violent. What's the general consensus?

Agree with @TheRightHonerable

They should never be the first to hit, but if hit, yes hit back.

I don't teach my ds to hit back.

But I have told him he has a right to defend himself.

By that he understands if someone is physically assaulting him and calls for help aren't answered he can use force to protect himself.

But I've also told him if someone punches him and walks away - and he then follows them and assaults them it's a separate attack and actually is a revenge attack.

Hitting back isn't simple it's all contextual.

In my ds previous academy secondary another pupil frequently assaulted DS. Hitting, kicking etc and DS would push him away. School punished both equally.
This have the bully more power as they knew the punishments upset my ds and they didn't care. It escalated to bully pinning DS against a wall around the neck. He wouldn't recede and so DS kicked him in leg. Both got equal punishment.
I had meeting with school and asked them to safeguard DS. I said he shouldn't have to defend himself against violence.
School told me to move him if i didn't trust them.
2 weeks later the child pulled a knife on DS in a classroom. And the school tried to play it down saying the reason the student gave was being scared of my ds. (More like school were scared because I sent them minutes of our meeting where they suggested I move him!)

DS called the police himself and made a statement. I told police when they went to school the school would highlight a history between the 2.

Police made it damn clear that all statements school had were clearly that DS was never instigator and always acting in self defence and that they thought their actions had contributed to the power the bully had. School failed to take witness statements as per their policy over the knife incident.

So like I said. It is not unreasonable to explain to children the act of self defence. Empower them to know they do not have to tolerate abuse of any form. Don't just tell them to h it back as that's not productive.

Well, before I had my two I would have been shocked at the idea you should hit back harder but schools effectively sanction this behaviour by not dealing effectively with bullies, so if your kid is the least bit weedy or nerdy they are f**ked if you advise them not to stick up for themselves
sadly

It'sgettingwierd - what happened after? Did you move school? That's horrible. You raise some interesting points about whether it is self defence or not and you are quite right. Although, I'm not sure my 6 year old would get that yet.

I definitely agree with self defence if you are being attacked but surely if they are hit once and that's the end of it then its retaliation not self defence? Also agree about schools and bullying, not enough is done. My sons school said to me that they couldn't take what I said as true, they could only here it from my son who wouldn't tell them 🤔 then they make all kinds of excuses why it's not bullying. I fail to see why it's ok for a child to push mine off a chair etc and not get anything said!

The problem with "hit them back harder" people is that they almost always fail to understand the difference between retaliation and self defense (and then come complaining on MN when school sanctions both students for violence).

Sometimes physical self defense is absolutely appropriate.

The students who say "but my mam/dad says I can smack'em if they... You can't put me in isolation because my dad says... My mam says that I can kick them back so they learn to back off" haven't used physical force to defend themselves 95-99% of the time. They've usually gone straight for violent retaliation.

And 🙄 at US autocorrect.
Defence.

Well if someone hit me you can be assured they would get a swift punch back.

My lb is small for his age and after being hit a few times I've told him to hit back as hard as he can. The nursery done nothing after I made several complaints. He knows to stick up for himself now. A few weeks ago walking back from school he was pulled to the ground by a boy in his class who was swinging him round and round and my son was distressed the mother done fuck all just watched, I was saying let him go but the boy wouldn't so I got my son up and told him in her ear shot "punch him in the face now". I don't care if I get a bashing for this on here my son has ASN and I'm not wanting the other kids thinking he can't or won't hit back.

Before I was a parent I was horrified by the thought of hit back harder. What I hadn’t thought through was my child being trapped and terrified. Yes tell a teacher of course but that doesn’t stop you getting hurt in the instant. My child gets tripped and shoved most days but when it escalated to being held and punched and he hit back the way a frightened animal hits back. Both parents were pulled into school and the other mother suggested we put it down to ‘boys will be boys’ despite her kids black eye.

@Mamabear1988 come back without your judgey pants and talk about not telling your kid to hit back after you and your child have experienced years of bullying with no support from the school!!!

Hit the fuckers with all you've got and stop the cowardly bullies right in their tracks!

Not interested in your arty farty bollocks

In no way was a being judgey at all. I was genuinely trying to discuss it. Your comment is nasty and unnecessary.

And btw you are here talking about bullying but think it's acceptable to speak like that to someone ?

I was always taught to stand up for yourself and if either of mine were constantly being picked on hit etc I would tell them to fight back it's teaching your child/ren not to be push overs and to stand up to bullies unfortunately we leave in an age where being nice doesn't always work with bullies

I had this conversation with my 10 year old recently. (Although he comes across a lot older mentally) He'd come home and said he'd shoved a kid because he was bullying another. I had to explain to him that he's not to touch anyone unless someone does it to him first and that whatever he retaliates with has to be the same/similar force the other person has used. He obviously asked why so I explained what would happen if that situation happened as an adult and how he could get into trouble and how the term "self defence" works. He knows I'd always support him if that situation ever happened. I encourage him to defend himself, just has to be controlled.

My parents always taught me to hit back and do it so hard that the other child would think twice about ever trying to hit me again.
I was bullied in school and though I didn’t always know how to defend myself against words and insults, nobody dared to put a finger on me again after I kicked back really hard at one of the bullies hitting me.

I am going to teach my son the same. You can ignore insults and swearing but the moment anyone puts their hands on you, they’re fair game.

I love the suggestion that parents who don’t tell their children to hit back are ‘apologists for male violence’ what absolute bollocks.

It wouldn't be my go to encouragement. I would try asking them to ignore it and tell a teacher/adult, firmly stand ground and say no, or even just to try to be nice to them first...

But if all else fails I don't want my child being taken for a mug and a push-over, some kids need a taste of their own medicine tbh.

DD is 4 now but plan to put her into boxing lessons so she can defend herself anyway

@Honeybee85 Same, my dad told me to hit back harder. Good advice as I certainly needed it. I can remember a 5th year telling me to give her my dinner money, I was only in 1st year, I was absolutely shitting myself but stood my ground.

I am not in favour of hitting back but my DH is. DD was being bullied and the School were ignoring it. I spoke to them a few times about it and nothing changed. At the final meeting I told the School my DD will start hitting back. Suddenly it mattered and the School tackled the problem immediately.

@LoopyLuck I've done boxing and am planning to do the same with my boys. My 10 year old has asked to (although I don't think his dad is too keen...)

As soon as my youngest turns 4 in August I'll be getting him into classes 😬

I'd tell my children to hit back.
I hate this you should never physically defend yourself attitude children are taught so young, especially girls.
Don't hit people randomly, but if they hit you wallop them.
A mother (I suspect a gentle parent) who has an incredibly violent 3 year old at playgroup, has hit and pushed nearly every child and half-heartedly said 'don't do that', didn't even apologise on his behalf now kept her son well away from mine once she heard me tell them to make sure they hit him back if he hurts them.

The child is literally the poster child for how toxic masculinity doesn't happen overnight spontaneously.
Some parents only care if it's their child who could be hurt. If it's with young children and parents present, definitely worth saying it loud enough the parent can hear too.