Scared to leave husband with the baby

[mtzy]

Okay so, I have a 15 week old baby and I so far have only left her side to go the shops for ten minutes. I exclusively breast feed so we're together all the time (and I'm not ready to leave her for long periods of time anyway)

Truth is however, I need an hours break or so. I haven't had that yet and I'm really quite stressed. I love my baby with all my heart but I just need an hour!

I'm currently at home with the baby whilst my partner works full time, he comes home in the evening every day and I usually run a bath. During this bath, which is only ten minutes long (!!) it is always cut short and I come into our bedroom him looking extremely stressed, angry, the baby is in the swing and he's watching tv. It's just like he gives up. He literally can't handle a baby crying for more than 5 minutes. I just want to shake him and tell him I deal with it all the damn time and he needs to grow a pair. But it doesn't work.

Don't get me wrong, he is the most loving dad and partner, sensitive and sweet. But if the baby cries even a little or fusses, and he can't fix it, he will spin her round, bounce her quite roughly, jump her in the air(I've told him to do this lightly, I don't think he understands how young she is.) and if that doesn't stop her crying, he shouts at her and puts her in the swing. I have told him repeatedly not to shout at her, she's 4 months and doesn't understand it yet, all it'll do is frighten her.

He just doesn't listen. I'm finding myself always saying 'Babe can you just-' 'Not so rough' etc etc.

He'd never ever harm our baby but I'm super protective of her and I don't like the way he tries to 'discipline' her! She's 4 months old.

I'm able to leave her as she is able to take a bottle too, she isn't fussy. She's a really good calm baby who sleeps a lot and smiles a lot. I desperately need an hour or so of me time but the mother in me jumps out to protect my daughter, but I should feel fine to leave her with him, but I don't.

Has anyone else been through this and how did you get past it? tia. X

That doesn't sound good at all, I'm not surprised you're too scared to leave her. He needs to learn some basic parenting skills. Did you do NCT or other ante natal classes together? Does be have any experience of other babies? Sounds like he's got no understanding of babies at all. Not sure what to suggest apart from talking to your HV? You can't not go out for the next few years!

Never leave her with him.

I wouldn't be happy to leave her with him if he shouts and tries to "discipline" a 4 month old

Maybe he could take some parenting classes.

He is an arse. Sorry. Usually people who are unused to little babies tend to be the opposite, treating them like fine China. He is clearly making the point that all this is your job. Not his. He is not a good loving father btw. He is a bigger baby than your child.
What is/was his dad like? If he won't listen to You, would sharp words from his parents do any good? (Not that you should have to do that)

You say he'd never harm her but I'm afraid if he's shouting at a 4 month old and leaving her to cry regularly, he IS harming her.

Shouting and disciplining a 4 month old is harming her.

I would never, ever leave them alone. And I don’t think I could stay with someone that can’t bath their own child without shouting at them. Awful man.

Does he take her for walks? Do you use a sling? Maybe he would manage with her in a sling, you could go for a walk together a few times until he got used to it, and then get your break by asking him to take her out for a walk? Difficult at this time of year but people don't talk of the 'witching hour' with little babies for nothing.

I hope you can find ways of helping him engage more safely with your little one.

He sounds awful OP. Loving, sensitive and sweet dads don’t shout at their tiny babies or leave them to cry I’m afraid.

Oh OP that was so so so sad to read.

You don't need admonishing further but your partner really is harming your baby already and he can't be left with her.

Do you go to any baby groups? It's just sometimes you can get access to parenting courses and it's worth your partner definitely going on one of these.

I don't think you can leave him with her - how is he a good sweet person if he shouts at a tiny baby?

I think you need to talk to him about it in a calm moment when you have control of the baby and baby is sleeping. Explain that he just can't be shouting at a 15 week old. It's not acceptable and is also pointless.

Ask him what he thinks will help him cope with his crying child, so that he has to propose some solutions to allow you to get a break.

Yes, he is not 'the most loving dad' by any stretch of the imagination. He shouts at a four-month-old baby? He's horrid, I'm afraid, whether he likes to pretend he's Disney dad the rest of the time because he takes part in family life when the going's good. I wouldn't leave her with him in this instance either. And I'd be seriously considering our future with him.

Another thought. If he has anger issues, which it sounds like, then suggest he sees his GP or look into private counselling.

Loving dad's don't shout at their small baby or do any of the things you have described

It is almost certain that when a woman writes "he is a sweet loving dad otherwise" he is the exact opposite.

I think you need to get him to a parenting class asap. the reality is if he were a decent person, he'd be asking for help, saying he is finding it difficult, asking how to do better. He isn't - he is perfectly happy to leave a 4 month old cry and try to discipline her ffs.

But if the baby cries even a little or fusses, and he can't fix it, he will spin her round, bounce her quite roughly, jump her in the air(I've told him to do this lightly, I don't think he understands how young she is.) and if that doesn't stop her crying, he shouts at her and puts her in the swing.

This is terrible. I'd expect better of a 12 year old minding a baby. You need to make him understand that this is a really serious issue - he HAS to learn how to mind a small baby properly.

I'm sorry OP. I know this is the last thing you need to hear when minding a 4 month old but no, you can't leave him with her and yes you do need to try to get him some education/training/help so he can become an actual loving dad. It should be him sorting himself out but I think you will have to take the first steps.

he's the most loving dad and partner, sensitive and sweet

No he's not!! He's an abusive control freak who cannot handle not being able to control his dd's emotions. She's four months old! He is going to physically harm her let alone what he's doing to her development shouting at her. I would have him out of the house within the next 24 hours and never leave him alone with the baby. Document everything he does in case he tries to get access to her.

Sorry, he's showing you he doesn't want to care for your baby and is causing the baby to suffer to prove his point. You will, eventually get a break, it's tough and relentless, but babies do grow up and it will be less intense soon.

*he's the most loving dad and partner, sensitive and sweet
*
On his terms, when the baby is behaving how he wants/when the baby is being 'easy'. He is a control freak with anger issues I'm afraid and that makes for really unhappy and confused children. He needs counselling/therapy to work through why he's so unhappy and unable to cope.

He'd never ever harm our baby what utter rubbish, he all ready is. What do you think the spinning, rough bouncing and jumping her is? It's certainly not the behaviour of a decent parent.
Never leave her alone with him.

What does he think shouting will accomplish? He sounds a rage filled wanker. Has he been like this from the start with her?

I would be careful here OP, Rough bouncing ,spinning etc is not good ! If he loses his temper then with such a young baby he may harm her .Their muscles are very delicate as they are growing .Maybe speak to your HV and see if there are any parent courses for him .Is he bad tempered normally ?

And when exactly is he a loving and doting dad? When you're looking after baby and he can sit on his arse in front of the telly doing fuck all? He doesn't sound remotely lovely. He sounds aggressive, selfish, and frankly pretty thick.

Do not leave your baby with him alone ever. For a break carrying her in a sling might help you. He is showing you who he really is. He is consistently being rough and aggressive with a vulnerable baby? Loving and empathetic people do not behave like that. Sorry OP.

I actually can't believe he actually shouts at a 4 month old baby for crying

Sorry but this is horrible and scary. I don't think you can leave your husband with the baby. I think you both need to consdier leaving him as he obviously has anger issues.

Ask yourself genuinely - are you changing habits to accommodate him now? Do you move Dd away from him when she's crying to not stress him? Are you frightened deep down he may 'accidentally' hurt her? Are you scared to tell your HV about this because you know it's wrong? Are you scared to tell people IRL because you know what they'll say? You know it's not normal healthy behaviour. It's the complete opposite.