Scared to leave husband with the baby

[mtzy]

Okay so, I have a 15 week old baby and I so far have only left her side to go the shops for ten minutes. I exclusively breast feed so we're together all the time (and I'm not ready to leave her for long periods of time anyway)

Truth is however, I need an hours break or so. I haven't had that yet and I'm really quite stressed. I love my baby with all my heart but I just need an hour!

I'm currently at home with the baby whilst my partner works full time, he comes home in the evening every day and I usually run a bath. During this bath, which is only ten minutes long (!!) it is always cut short and I come into our bedroom him looking extremely stressed, angry, the baby is in the swing and he's watching tv. It's just like he gives up. He literally can't handle a baby crying for more than 5 minutes. I just want to shake him and tell him I deal with it all the damn time and he needs to grow a pair. But it doesn't work.

Don't get me wrong, he is the most loving dad and partner, sensitive and sweet. But if the baby cries even a little or fusses, and he can't fix it, he will spin her round, bounce her quite roughly, jump her in the air(I've told him to do this lightly, I don't think he understands how young she is.) and if that doesn't stop her crying, he shouts at her and puts her in the swing. I have told him repeatedly not to shout at her, she's 4 months and doesn't understand it yet, all it'll do is frighten her.

He just doesn't listen. I'm finding myself always saying 'Babe can you just-' 'Not so rough' etc etc.

He'd never ever harm our baby but I'm super protective of her and I don't like the way he tries to 'discipline' her! She's 4 months old.

I'm able to leave her as she is able to take a bottle too, she isn't fussy. She's a really good calm baby who sleeps a lot and smiles a lot. I desperately need an hour or so of me time but the mother in me jumps out to protect my daughter, but I should feel fine to leave her with him, but I don't.

Has anyone else been through this and how did you get past it? tia. X

Don't get me wrong, he is the most loving dad and partner, sensitive and sweet
No he's not!

That's a really sad read and I'm not surprised you don't want to leave her.

You definitely need to have a chat with him...you've said you're sure he won't hurt her - how can you be if you feel he bounces her too much etc?

Honestly try a make a bit of time for yourself...try and book a haircut or something and take baby, meet a relative/good friend and ask them to push baby in pram whilst you have it done.

Confide in a family member or a friend about this behaviour and see what they think

Jesus Christ . No. I wouldn't leave her with him. I'd be just leaving him. He's shouting at a baby??? Why on earth are you putting up with this?

My bil started like this and then I had to confiscate baby off him at a family event when in a fit of anger he started dragging him up by the ankles and swinging him in the air at 6 months! I was too scared to let him go until I found dn’s mum.

he is the most loving dad and partner, sensitive and sweet

I’d hate to see your definition of a poor dad, if this is what a good one looks like to you.

That poor baby.

You need help op. you really do. Call your hv and tell her. He should not be angry with a four month old after 5 minutes. Thats seriously shit and dangerous.

You're clearly not being honest with yourself about who he really is.

I think a lot of people on here have immediately jumped to conclusions based on how OP has worded her post. Eg. Leave him, what a monster, kill all men blah blah. Typical MN man haters.

OP, I think I understand what you are saying. My husband was similar for example after 5 minutes of crying he would said things like “ oh whatt is it DS” in a less than comforting tone (not shouting as such) and he would resort to putting DS in front of the tv instead of cuddles and rocking and singing etc. Perhaps some men Just don’t have the delicate touch. As with you, my DH would never hurt DS I would just describe him as a slightly lazy, and a bit of a clueless parent. I found this drastically improved the more I communicated with DH about my day such as DS loves it when his head is stroked whilst being held like this. DH then followed my lead. Also try to get him more involved by doing things away from them for short bursts like house work, popping to the shops etc and gradually increase you times away. He is probably just feeing a bit useless as a lot of men do when they return after PL. You have formed this bond with baby through feeding so men have to work so much harder to evoke that level of comfort in their children, it must be super frustrating for them. perhaps an early days Nct class would help?

OP, I think I understand what you are saying. My husband was similar for example after 5 minutes of crying he would said things like “ oh whatt is it DS” in a less than comforting tone (not shouting as such) and he would resort to putting DS in front of the tv instead of cuddles and rocking and singing etc.

You husband was not similar (unless you aren't telling the whole story). Read again what the OP says this man does. It isn't sticking a 4 month old in front of the tv (how DID that work for your husband by the way? Did baby stop crying or just get more hysterical?)

Actually I think YOU are a man hater. your standards are so low that you expect nothing of them but shouting at babies. I like most men I know and utterly respect my husband and my bils. My dad was like a baby whisperer. So I expect better of them same as I expect better of women. You might want to do something about that sexist attitude you have about the inferiority of men.

Not hating men just pointing out that often( I didn’t say always, I’m sure the men in your life are fab as you say) men’s relationships with their children are different and sometimes more challenging. I’d say the same if it was a same sex female couple and one of the women worked full time whilst the other stayed at home. If you don’t spend as much time or bond through feeding or nurturing for hours on end it can be tough.

Ps. Baby sensory videos on YouTube, worked a treat for him 😐

I think a lot of people on here have immediately jumped to conclusions based on how OP has worded her post. Eg. Leave him, what a monster, kill all men blah blah. Typical MN man haters.

the only posts generalising about the failings of men are the ones who are supportive of the DH in this scenario. The behaviour described is very concerning. A parent that can't be left with their own baby for 10 minutes without getting rough and shouting at their baby is well beyond inexperience. And I have 4 sons and can assure you I'm far from man-hating.

Each parent's relationship with a child is different. And this is especially true in the early weeks/months where there is often a primary parent and one who is still working.

But that difference shouldn't include shouting at a 4 month old or bouncing her roughly or spinning her around when she won't be soothed and I am amazed you think this is in the normal range of "ah he needs to learn how to sooth her better". What adult needs to be taught that you don't do that to a small baby??

Don't leave her with him ever again.

Leave him as soon as you can.

I think (from experience) time with you away will help massively. Give him 30 mine. Tell him to do tummy time, go for a little walk do a little bath etc. It's new for you as well as daddy and I found giving my partner little jobs really helps.
You'll know as soon as you get home whether it's was a good idea or not. Start with little breaks then before you know it they are ditching you for the day for time alone
😚

I'm sorry to sound morbid but I knew a father like this who was left with his premature and unsettled baby for a few days. The baby didn't survive.

Loving, sensitive and sweet?

What a load of shite.

Wearywithteens Placing blame for him being alienated whilst hiding behind devil's advocate is pretty low.

Please explain where the OP said she's limiting her husband's time? She said she's not ready to leave DD for long periods which is perfectly normal at 15 weeks. But her husband is cutting short her 10 minute bath, not the OP, who is actually desperate for an hour alone.

She's tried to give him advice on how to settle their baby, but he continues with the aggressive behaviour which even in your post you admit is disturbing.

the problem is he’s been alienated from her and not been allowed to bond with her from birth

No it isn't and you should be utterly ashamed of yourself of accusing the OP of alienating her husband from her child when it is clearly untrue - shame on you.

And then you do the usual thing of "woman why haven't you taught this man over and over how to behave with a baby".

Women don't get taught this.

And decent men don't either - they know it or learn it or ask to be taught it.

The women on this thread excusing this man make me despair of women ever expecting more from a man than knuckles dragged along the ground. As the mother of a son this really really makes me angry.

My son, my husband, my dad, my brothers in law are ALL capable of minding a baby.

The bottom basement standards for men on this thread are truly depressing.

But you allowing him a short time to essentially ‘babysit‘ his own child until she’s back with you means he’s not valued or treated as an equal parent. He sounds disengaged. No wonder he feels angry and frustrated. No wonder he feels angry and frustrated*

A man's feelings are more important than a newborn's needs. You think this is an excuse for shouting at a 4 month old.

Jesus.

How would he respond with a list of ideas to do if she’s crying, along with some realistic reminders of how long she sometimes cries with you, and a couple of absolute no-nos such as shouting and vigorous bouncing.

This is horrible.

OP I really hope you have got friends and family who can support you. This man is dangerous. He is the opposite of a loving partner/dad. It is not normal to respond to a baby like that and you know it.

I really hope you can confide in someone supportive and get help.

Hopefully op will come back

The bottom basement standards for men on this thread are truly depressing

And frightening. The behaviour described by the OP isn't just a new parent being a bit clueless and plonking a baby in front of the TV thinking they might settle. He's actually shouting at and being rough with a four month old baby. And that's when the baby's mother is there in the background watching what's going on. How much worse might he be with no one else around? OP can't afford to risk leaving her baby with him for half an hour. And any decent person, male or female, knows that an upset baby needs comforting, not thrown around and shouted at. And make no mistake, if the OP left her child with their father and he subsequently harmed them, people would be queuing up to say it was her fault for leaving them alone.

@Wildorchidz I think everyone has scared her off 😥

@MummyPig123 Hopefully OP's still reading and just doesn't want to comment again. Maybe HQ/or someone should post the very useful links they sometimes do to sign post IRL support for her? It does feel like it's been derailed a bit by a select few posters unfortunately.