Scared to leave husband with the baby

[mtzy]

Okay so, I have a 15 week old baby and I so far have only left her side to go the shops for ten minutes. I exclusively breast feed so we're together all the time (and I'm not ready to leave her for long periods of time anyway)

Truth is however, I need an hours break or so. I haven't had that yet and I'm really quite stressed. I love my baby with all my heart but I just need an hour!

I'm currently at home with the baby whilst my partner works full time, he comes home in the evening every day and I usually run a bath. During this bath, which is only ten minutes long (!!) it is always cut short and I come into our bedroom him looking extremely stressed, angry, the baby is in the swing and he's watching tv. It's just like he gives up. He literally can't handle a baby crying for more than 5 minutes. I just want to shake him and tell him I deal with it all the damn time and he needs to grow a pair. But it doesn't work.

Don't get me wrong, he is the most loving dad and partner, sensitive and sweet. But if the baby cries even a little or fusses, and he can't fix it, he will spin her round, bounce her quite roughly, jump her in the air(I've told him to do this lightly, I don't think he understands how young she is.) and if that doesn't stop her crying, he shouts at her and puts her in the swing. I have told him repeatedly not to shout at her, she's 4 months and doesn't understand it yet, all it'll do is frighten her.

He just doesn't listen. I'm finding myself always saying 'Babe can you just-' 'Not so rough' etc etc.

He'd never ever harm our baby but I'm super protective of her and I don't like the way he tries to 'discipline' her! She's 4 months old.

I'm able to leave her as she is able to take a bottle too, she isn't fussy. She's a really good calm baby who sleeps a lot and smiles a lot. I desperately need an hour or so of me time but the mother in me jumps out to protect my daughter, but I should feel fine to leave her with him, but I don't.

Has anyone else been through this and how did you get past it? tia. X

I can't offer you much advise because I have no other information regarding your situation. Is this your first child?

If this is your first child, Tia - you should have a sit down with your partner and carefully explain to him that he shouldn't be - as you say - "disciplining" a four month young baby girl, because as you also say, all it'll do is scare the poor child.

It's also very much okay for your partner to want to play with her, even if it's VERY lightly throwing her in the air (dont loosen your grip mid air, may want to tell him that) and because of that, I would also be scared to leave my 7 month old girl alone with someone who "disciplines" a little one, which is totally unnecessary.

Sit down and talk to him. Have a few hours of sleep every so often, because you do so much girl and I'm proud of you!

I know what you mean I'm the same I had to "train him" so I could teach him how to hold her how to feed her change her etc and slowly he got it but you have to do it because it can't all be on you and try not to yell at him because it will discourage him be optimistic and maybe call on a family member to stop by so you can have a break

I found giving my partner little jobs really helps

I'm embarrassed for you to have written this shit. Parents give their older children 'little jobs' to help them feel important when they have a new sibling, not their partner.

I was about to say that. I give my 3 yr old 'jobs'.

What utter bollocks.

We went with DS(26) to visit my niece and her young baby the other weekend. DS has probably never even held a baby before and ended up cwching the little one in the living room while the rest of us caught up and cackled in the kitchen.

Amazingly, without any prior intensive training or bonding sessions, DS managed to cuddle and chat away gently to the baby without shouting at her and didn’t even throw her around! What an exceptional man he must be.

Oh no wait a minute....

He sounds horrible Never leave your baby with him. If you really need a break that badly, can you take her to your parents or do you have a sibling, friend, cousin you trust?

OP I hope you're ok.

Honestly I'm a bit scared to write this given the other responses but based on what you have written I'm not sure he is actually a big bad monster. Is he actually rough with the baby or does he not handle the baby in the same way you do? I think it is quite normal to get a bit stressed when a baby is crying and won't stop. Of course he needs to manage his stress but putting the baby in the swing with the TV on is actually safe, isn't it?

I think he needs to spend more time in charge of the baby with you there. He needs to find his way with her - and that won't be the same as your way. You need to get used to seeing her with him too.

OF COURSE if you are genuinely worried he will hurt her you need to leave - but I don't feel that's what you're saying.

I say this as a self professed man hater by the way; I would usually assume the man in the equation was being horrible tbh! But it sounds like the first weeks of getting used to a baby.

He’s not ‘loving dad’ if he’s shouting at 15 wk old after 15 mins, he’s a bully. Think you need to rephrase ‘babe dont’ to ‘get your act together or fuck off’

I wouldnt have him shouting.

Dh and I both did the same. We have 2 dds. When they were babies if he had her and she wouldnt settle he would come to me and say she wont settle would you take over? But not after only 15 mins. And not before hed tried everything else. Same applied to me. If she wouldnt settle I passed her to him to have a go at settling her.

He needs to atop shouting at her. What does he think a 4 month old will think of that? Poor thing doesnt know what shes doing never mind understand the sudden noise

The man in the horrible case I mentioned earlier had been in my house with the baby once, and he was simply too rough with him. I told him so and he laughed at me.

I agree with PPs that it is worrying and wouldn't leave her either. Do you think he could be depressed?

@formerbabe lol wobble your head. Did I not write this PC enough for you 😬 here to support each other remember

@Simkin you wrote this perfectly xxx

Did I not write this PC enough for you

I have no idea what being PC has to do with it?

People defending a father for shouting at a 4 month old baby should be ashamed, especially the ones blaming the OP for 'alienating' him and not letting him parent their baby. He roughly handles and shouts at a tiny baby. This is not acceptable in any world. Many of us have children after having no experience with them and manage not to abuse our babies.

I don’t think anyone defended him, nor did they blame the op. No one is saying it’s ok behaviour either and certainly not excusing it. Just suggesting ways to combat it and perhaps suggesting why he is behaving in that way in the first place.

Likewise nobody suggested all men are like that until they are told differently or ‘taught by women. It’s a well known fact that women bond differently with their babies. Some men bond instantly and its great, others don’t feel that bond at all and perhaps what OP Is seeing is frustration at her DH not feeling that connection. Again NOT the way to behave, but I don’t think “shouting” at a baby through frustration once in a blue moon is tantamount to abuse (IF THAT IS WHAT THIS IS,AND IM ONLY SPECULATING as we all are). I have made loud ARGGHHH sounds when I’m in the 4th hour of trying to get DC to sleep I haven’t shouted AT them. I appreciate OP is talking minutes here but I think it would be good to get some clarity from OP as to what she means by shouting.

the problem is he’s been alienated from her and not been allowed to bond with her from birth.

If someone was hovering over me, telling me off constantly, I wouldn’t bother either.

But you allowing him a short time to essentially ‘babysit‘ his own child until she’s back with you means he’s not valued or treated as an equal parent.

No- no one is blaming the OP.

Read the OP again @Hoolahlah66. the OP has repeatedly asked him not to shout. That's not 'once in a blue moon'.

But if the baby cries even a little or fusses, and he can't fix it, he will spin her round, bounce her quite roughly, jump her in the air(I've told him to do this lightly, I don't think he understands how young she is.) and if that doesn't stop her crying, he shouts at her and puts her in the swing. I have told him repeatedly not to shout at her, she's 4 months and doesn't understand it yet, all it'll do is frighten her.

I'm able to leave her as she is able to take a bottle too, she isn't fussy. She's a really good calm baby who sleeps a lot and smiles a lot. I desperately need an hour or so of me time but the mother in me jumps out to protect my daughter, but I should feel fine to leave her with him, but I don't.

OP also says their baby is calm and sleeps well. This isn't the partner cracking under the strain of doing night-wakings, he's acting like this in under 10 minutes of looking after her. Plus also see the thread title. Suggestions of giving him little jobs to do is ignoring a huge and very significant problem. Suggesting it's because the OP hasn't allowed him enough alone time is an utter disgrace.

Suggesting it's because the OP hasn't allowed him enough alone time is an utter disgrace

I agree...it's depressing to see so many women, who I presume are also mothers defending a man being rough with a tiny defenceless baby. Every man I've ever known has always been so careful when holding babies.. especially if they're inexperienced in doing so. They're usually extra cautious.

I don't think you should leave the baby with him at all right now.
Do you do all of the cares for the baby? Is there a way that you can start to get him more involved and building up a bond? For example, he takes care of the bath, or reads baby a story?