Scared to leave husband with the baby

[mtzy]

Okay so, I have a 15 week old baby and I so far have only left her side to go the shops for ten minutes. I exclusively breast feed so we're together all the time (and I'm not ready to leave her for long periods of time anyway)

Truth is however, I need an hours break or so. I haven't had that yet and I'm really quite stressed. I love my baby with all my heart but I just need an hour!

I'm currently at home with the baby whilst my partner works full time, he comes home in the evening every day and I usually run a bath. During this bath, which is only ten minutes long (!!) it is always cut short and I come into our bedroom him looking extremely stressed, angry, the baby is in the swing and he's watching tv. It's just like he gives up. He literally can't handle a baby crying for more than 5 minutes. I just want to shake him and tell him I deal with it all the damn time and he needs to grow a pair. But it doesn't work.

Don't get me wrong, he is the most loving dad and partner, sensitive and sweet. But if the baby cries even a little or fusses, and he can't fix it, he will spin her round, bounce her quite roughly, jump her in the air(I've told him to do this lightly, I don't think he understands how young she is.) and if that doesn't stop her crying, he shouts at her and puts her in the swing. I have told him repeatedly not to shout at her, she's 4 months and doesn't understand it yet, all it'll do is frighten her.

He just doesn't listen. I'm finding myself always saying 'Babe can you just-' 'Not so rough' etc etc.

He'd never ever harm our baby but I'm super protective of her and I don't like the way he tries to 'discipline' her! She's 4 months old.

I'm able to leave her as she is able to take a bottle too, she isn't fussy. She's a really good calm baby who sleeps a lot and smiles a lot. I desperately need an hour or so of me time but the mother in me jumps out to protect my daughter, but I should feel fine to leave her with him, but I don't.

Has anyone else been through this and how did you get past it? tia. X

What you describe is not a good dad. There is no way I'd be letting my child anywhere near someone like your husband.

His reaction and the way he deals with a baby who has cried for a couple of minutes is quite scary, I would absolutely dread to think of what could happen if he was really pushed to the edge with a baby who has been screaming for hours and he has nobody in the next room to step in and help.

This is awful. You’re right not to want to leave her with him. Don’t do it - she will not be safe.

I wouldn’t even leave her with him for 5 minutes to be honest if he’s losing his temper and shouting at a 4 month old for fussing. Throwing her in the air and roughly bouncing her to stop her from crying sounds dangerous and I’d worry about him losing it and shaking her. A moment of anger could cost your baby her life and I would worry he could snap and hurt her if he’s angered by crying

I'll probably get burnt for this but from what you've said you are always with the baby so have found your own way of dealing with the crying. Dads are, in my experience, not as natural at finding their feet with the whole parenting thing.
Maybe he sees that you are able to comfort baby quicker than he is, so he could be doubting his ability. Or maybe he just doesn't have a clue what to do to calm baby. However, shaking and shouting is a huge NO.
Try and talk to him about this when baby is asleep and neither of you are focusing on baby.
I wish you luck

In your place, I wouldn't leave her. He sounds unreasonable, she is a very young baby and they all cry.

You said you are exclusively breast feeding and then said she'll take a bottle happily; is that a bottle of expressed milk or formula? I was thinking babies who take a bottle usually sleep for longer periods.

I do hope things settle down for you, mtzy and you're quite right, you do need a break sometimes. Take care.

How is he a loving sensitive dad if he shouts at a 4 month old and handles her roughly???

He'd never ever harm our baby

He shouts at your 4 month old. He is already harming her. What will he do when she's a challenging toddler who tries hits or poos on the floor? How will he punish her then? I wouldn't stick around to find out- you need to protect your child.

*tries to hit him

Oh god, what NerrSnerr said, this is a very scary thought but highly probably that he could completely lose it with the little one by that point..

He sounds awful. I do wonder if he's genuinely unable to parent his daughter properly, or doing this awful roughness and shouting so you stop expecting him to look after her.

Either way, he's far from a loving dad and partner and you have some serious thinking to do about your future.

Well he clearly is not a loving dad if he shouts and is rough with a 4 month old baby. I would not trust your partner to look after a baby for 5 minutes let alone an hour. I would worry far too much about him shaking her.

A serious conversation is needed with him, perhaps talk to your health visitor and ask for some support. There are parenting programmes your partner could go on.

The fact that you’re too terrified to leave him alone with his own baby says that you do know he’s got it in him to harm her. I read about cases like these in the papers all of the time. Fathers (and mother’s) who cannot cope with the baby crying losing their temper for just a split second. But in that second you’ve got a shaken baby with brain damage. Get this man away from your child and actually see him for the piece of shit he actually is

You say hed never hurt her, but it sounds to me that it’s inevitable he will hurt her off he doesn’t break this cycle, because he’s being too rough.

If he gets defensive when you limit his behaviour, I would want to involve an outside influence. Can you talk to your health visitor about talking to him, or sending him on a parenting course.

How aware is he of how badly he is getting it wrong?

Do you have regular contact with your health visitor? I would talk to them ASAP for some help.

But yes, I agree with all the other posters. You cannot leave her AT ALL with him. He is not a loving dad, please don't fool yourself there. Loving dad's don't do what you've described.

I'm sorry, I'm sure you were hoping for different answers.

He shouts at her??? And is rough with her??? Please have serious words with him and don’t leave them alone together

Exactly when is he a caring a doting father OP? When he's 'disciplining' a 4 month old baby? When he's shouting at her?

Someone needs to speak to your OH, he's already treating her badly. It makes me wonder how he treats you OP......

My God, he is an absolute idiot!

I would ask your health visitor to come round at a time your husband is present so you can have a conversation together about this. It’s not acceptable as it currently stands.
Is there anyone else who can watch your baby for an hour while you get some time to yourself?

You wonder why he doesn’t know how to soothe her but you’ve said you only ever leave her for 10 minutes, he works all day and she’s exclusively breastfed. He doesn’t know her yet! The comments on here are ridiculous!

You need to help him and he needs time to learn how to be a good dad. If someone was hovering over me, telling me off constantly, I wouldn’t bother either.

My husband was exactly the same, you need to be positive and encourage him. Also, it’s easy for us to soothe with a boob. I would of struggled to settle my baby without them!

You wonder why he doesn’t know how to soothe her but you’ve said you only ever leave her for 10 minutes, he works all day and she’s exclusively breastfed. He doesn’t know her yet! The comments on here are ridiculous!

Really? ridiculous to expect a parent not to be rough with a 4 month old and not to shout at her? how low can your standards be.

When you were handed your newborn for the first time and he/she started crying did you actually need someone to tell you not to spin her around, bounce her roughly or shout at her if she cried? Even though you hadn't spent any time with the baby before then - not even 10 minutes. Why do people think men are so inherently useless and thick? they aren't. plenty of fathers know not to do the shit this man is doing.

He is not a loving father if he shouts at a 4 month old. Does he usually have a short fuse? You have to make sure he knows this is unacceptable and he needs to find his own way of looking after your daughter as babies cry, so do toddlers and young children and they can be incredibly testing. Most loving parents though remain calm and don't shout or they shouldn't. It makes it worse. It does sound like he needs more time getting to know her but I would not feel comfortable leaving her with him until you are confident he wont shout or be rough with her. Do you have any other family support?

Wordie
Why are you blaming the op for her husband's inability to care for his child. He's an adult, he should have the common sense to realise that babies need nurturing and caring for not shouting at and being thrown up into the air at such a young age. In case you missed it ops baby will take a bottle so there is room for her to have a break.
Op, as pp have suggested maybe talk to your HV or get your husband to a parenting class.

Please don't leave your daughter with him. He seems very short tempered-he could easily flip as he cannot cope!

And who shouts at a baby??
Vile man

Baby chucks her food on the floor.
Baby splashes her bath water everywhere.
Baby has an accident when being toilet trained.
Baby calls him a poohead, says she doesn’t like him.
Baby refuses to eat her dinner.

All these things are likely to happen at some point OP. Are you ever going to be able to leave her with him? I think you need to sort this now or there can be no future in it.