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Parenting

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Original poster

Step parents please read. Only you will understand

88 replies

ThatSouthernchick · 15/11/2019 19:54

I expect to get a bashing or 2 but here goes. Will try to be brief. Living with partner for 6 years, have a little DS and he has a ds and dd from previous marriage .They chose to live with mom however his ds has been with us for 2 years. It took a while to adjust as he's a teenager,( hormonal changes and stuff) and we've had to get a bigger apartment. I can't lie but yes i do look forward to school holidays when he goes to Mom and sis for a week or 2 ( his dd also needs the break) plus i miss our privacy, but lately he hasn't been getting on with them so those holidays away at mom's place has become shorter and shorter. In fact he hasn't seen them for 8 months now however he's suppose to go this upcoming festive season. I've booked a getaway abroad for my ds and partner (my expense) but now his ds decided he won't be going to see mom and they can't afford to come here! He can't see why he can't come with us. A few reasons. He's dad has been struggling financially and tbh this has cause some tension between us as well as I've had to foot some of his ds bills (school fees and other school and recreational stuff). AIBU to not wanna pay for him to come along especially because its meant to be a quiet getaway . Please don't be too harsh guys. Thanks

OP posts:

UniversallyUnchallenged · 15/11/2019 19:56

I am a step mam - change and accommodate for him. You would for your own, he is family

Letthemysterybe · 15/11/2019 19:58

He’s your husbands son and he lives with you. You can’t not include him.

FTMF30 · 15/11/2019 20:56

I understand you wanting a quite break. But YABU.
You got with this man knowing he had kids prior to you. I'd actually feel really sad if I was with someone who turned out to be not so keen on my child and exclude them from a family holiday. You seem to think of the poor kid as some kind of burden, which is pretty shameful.

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Twickerhun · 15/11/2019 20:59

I’m a step mum. You take your step kids with you on family holidays or you ensure they are invited and welcome even if they can’t come. Always. Sorry

Chewbecca · 15/11/2019 21:01

Oh, this is really hard but I think you are going to have to find the funds for him to join you.

Two positive points from me though:

he’s obviously happy with you and your family so you must be doing ok
he’s a teen so you’re nearly through it. My DSS barely got in touch throughout their 20s. Now they are in their 30s and settling down, we see more of them again and it is fab being a SM to grown up DCC and the support during the teen years pays back.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 15/11/2019 21:01

I also think you should take him but think you also need to invite DSD

Personally though I'd say if DH can't afford private school then his son moves to a state school.

pigeononthegate · 15/11/2019 21:02

Pay for him or don't go. He's a member of the family who lives with you.

maternity123qwe · 15/11/2019 21:07

I’m a step mum and also mum to our joint children, unfortunately I think you are being unreasonable. Sounds like your DSS has had a pretty rough road and things have been tough for him .

Relationships are a partnership and you both entered into it knowing children were involved, yes it’s tough but that’s parenting.

Yes you might want a break, but unfortunately parenting isn’t like that.

You all go DSS included or you don’t go at all

CallmeAngelina · 15/11/2019 21:15

OK, well my opinion probably doesn't count, as I'm not a step-mum, but I don't see why you shouldn't go on a this trip with your dh and not the SDCs. Plenty of couples without steps do it without guilt and angst.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 15/11/2019 21:16

@CallmeAngelina because there's nobody to look after SS

CallmeAngelina · 15/11/2019 21:16

What about his mother?

GiveHerHellFromUs · 15/11/2019 21:21

@CallmeAngelina he clearly doesn't have a good relationship with her and doesn't want to spend the Xmas holidays with her.

You can't take a child in then kick them out when it messes with your plans.

CallmeAngelina · 15/11/2019 21:26

We don't have nearly enough info on here to deduce that he "doesn't have a good relationship with her," only that he "doesn't want" to go to hers. That could be because he reckons there's a holiday in the offing - paid for by the OP, not his own father.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 15/11/2019 21:28

Oh yeah because the op doesn't say lately he hasn't been getting on with them...

BellyButton85 · 15/11/2019 21:29

Nah send him to his mother's whether he likes it or not.

Grannybags · 15/11/2019 21:32

What does your partner say about this? Does he want to take his son?

CallmeAngelina · 15/11/2019 21:33

"lately he hasn't been getting on with them"
He's a teenager, ffs! That's standard practice!

CallmeAngelina · 15/11/2019 21:34

Does he want to take his son? Enough to pay for him himself, you mean?

Groovinpeanut · 15/11/2019 21:34

I'm a step mum to six. I treat them all as my own and they are valued members of my family. Please don't leave your step son out of the holiday. He lives with you! How can you leave him behind? Why would you want a break from him? He considers himself a member of your family, he chose to live with you! Please include him

Obviouslynotobvious · 15/11/2019 21:35

I think I'd invite both of his children, you are a family.

But I can appreciate you wanting quiet time. Any middle ground?

CareOfPunts · 15/11/2019 21:37

I’d take him but would I fuck be paying towards his school fees. If his parents can’t afford private he can slum it in state with the other 90 odd percent of the population

SpinneyHill · 15/11/2019 21:39

The plan was for him to go to his mums?

What if he changes his mind again?

If you were getting on that badly he wouldn't want to stay surely?

SpinneyHill · 15/11/2019 21:41

Why has he not been getting on with Mum and Sis?

Ledkr · 15/11/2019 21:43

I'm not a step mum but my dh is to my 4 and our 1 and they are treated equally. I'm sure we would have loved some peaceful hols and Xmas's but we knew that wasn't going to be an option when we decided to get married.

SpinneyHill · 15/11/2019 21:51

Leave him at yours and he'll have the party of a lifetime, cleanup just in time and fall in love along the way... I'm certain that's what I learnt from films.
It wasn't that exciting for me. I got over it.

He will go to his mums, he may bitch about it but she owes just as much and your plans are booked.

You didn't pick his parents. Neither did he but you also didn't pick him changing his plans after the event....and being allowed to

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