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Parenting

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Original poster

Step parents please read. Only you will understand

88 replies

ThatSouthernchick · 15/11/2019 19:54

I expect to get a bashing or 2 but here goes. Will try to be brief. Living with partner for 6 years, have a little DS and he has a ds and dd from previous marriage .They chose to live with mom however his ds has been with us for 2 years. It took a while to adjust as he's a teenager,( hormonal changes and stuff) and we've had to get a bigger apartment. I can't lie but yes i do look forward to school holidays when he goes to Mom and sis for a week or 2 ( his dd also needs the break) plus i miss our privacy, but lately he hasn't been getting on with them so those holidays away at mom's place has become shorter and shorter. In fact he hasn't seen them for 8 months now however he's suppose to go this upcoming festive season. I've booked a getaway abroad for my ds and partner (my expense) but now his ds decided he won't be going to see mom and they can't afford to come here! He can't see why he can't come with us. A few reasons. He's dad has been struggling financially and tbh this has cause some tension between us as well as I've had to foot some of his ds bills (school fees and other school and recreational stuff). AIBU to not wanna pay for him to come along especially because its meant to be a quiet getaway . Please don't be too harsh guys. Thanks

OP posts:

whineochoc · 15/11/2019 21:52

I'm a step child (or was). My dad went on to marry and have 2 children quite an age gap between us.
I have been in your DSS position and it's horrible. My ex step mum excluded me from everything and my Dad let her.
As soon as my sister and brother came along I was discarded.
It's hurt then and it still hurts now.
She was a part of my life from 2 years old, my sister came along when I was 10 and brother 13 so not like it was a new relationship.
Up until the children came we had a a great relationship.
Once they were here I was excluded from holidays and days out. I was told it was their family time. I was made to give my bedroom and sleep on the sofa. I was asked 'when am I going to get to spend time with my husband' if I was with my dad. Anything brought for me by my dad had to be hidden.
I beg of you, don't put your DSS through that.
My dad and ex step mum aren't together anymore and it took a long time for me to forgive my Dad for allowing her to treat me that way.

ChevalierTialys · 15/11/2019 22:02

I’m a step mum. You take your step kids with you on family holidays or you ensure they are invited and welcome even if they can’t come. Always. Sorry

This. You need to accept that you will always have to include your step children, like it or not. And it would be best for everyone if you learn to like it.

My DSD used to give me a huge amount of anxiety because of the horrid things she would come out with (echoing her mothers words mostly) but I forced myself cope with every visit, masked my feelings, got assistance from family to break the occasional tension, and find the fun in all our activities. Clearly harder to do with a teen, but you do need to accept the reality of your family life now.

LuluBellaBlue · 15/11/2019 22:05

I honestly can not fathom how you think this is ok??
You honestly want to leave one child behind? Sorry but that’s down right nasty behaviour.
If a partner of mine treated my child that way I’d finish the relationship.

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Ispy123 · 15/11/2019 22:07

Poor boy. You don't consider him part of your family which is really sad.

SpinneyHill · 15/11/2019 22:16

For all we know DSS may be refusing to stay at Mums because she insists he do chores.

They split up. You booked in good faith so mum is responsible for him as you believed. If she isn't responsible then neither are you because he can do what he wants.
No need for the suggestion he must be any more miserable than another in his position, his step parents cancel holidays if he fancies not being in the mood to do what he stated and invites himself...has he told Mum he doesn't fancy it?
Or why?

TrainspottingWelsh · 15/11/2019 22:18

I'm a stepmother and agree with pps, step children are just as much a part of the family and family holidays include all members, not just those you gave birth to.

Northernlurker · 15/11/2019 22:22

Do you actually want to rethink the whole relationship? It will never just be you, partner and your child. Do you actually want to be a step mum? It's not wrong to say 'this isn't for me'

dontlickthelamp · 15/11/2019 22:27

He should cone on the holiday

Ginger1982 · 15/11/2019 22:28

I think you take all kids or none at all.

Original poster

ThatSouthernchick · 15/11/2019 22:35

Wow. Ok. I expected a bit more sympathy but not this. Im actually shocked. I've been more than accommodating since he moved in with us. He gave his dad the middle finger when they divorced, yes it was ugly. Way before me. His dad's words, not mine. He chops and changes his mind quite frequently and refuses to say why he doesn't get on with them.point blank refuses. His mum and sis don't talk to his dad. I've been taking from my own money to help pay for fees, Xbox, time away with friends, etc. His dad and i are not married. Our accounts are separate. I payed with for this break that i feel i deserved and worked hard for. IT WAS DEFINITELY the plan for him to go see them because that's what he said. Hope this gives more insight. Thanks to the 2 people that actually understands. And for what its worth he's 16 almost 17! Not 12. Time to be a bit more responsible maybe?

OP posts:

Elodie2019 · 15/11/2019 22:41

You should go on the trip and tell him that he has to go and stay with his Mum. He's 16 not 11 and it sounds like he's had a good few years practice 'playing' his parents.

Obviouslynotobvious · 15/11/2019 22:42

It's not that I don't sympathise, it's just this shit is what signing up to step parenting is often all about. Once you moved in, to me, that was the point where you stopped being a couple and became a family.

I'm glad he's nearly 17 so hopefully it'll be different soon anyway.

CareOfPunts · 15/11/2019 22:43

Do you actually want to rethink the whole relationship? It will never just be you, partner and your child. Do you actually want to be a step mum? It's not wrong to say 'this isn't for me'

This.

Personally if I was to end up looking for a partner again I’d never date anyone with dependant children. I’m barely cut out to be a mother to children I have a bond with and actually love, neve rnind taking on someone else’s

Elodie2019 · 15/11/2019 22:43

As for 'point blank refusing' tell him he has no choice. The original plan was to go to his Mums, that's what's happening.

CareOfPunts · 15/11/2019 22:47

On second thoughts just tell him and your partner he can’t come. You’re not there to bankroll his almost adult children. That’s down to his parents.

smilingElizabeth · 15/11/2019 22:49

I think he will feel rejected if he's not allowed to go and that could make his behaviour worse as he will feel unwanted. As he already has a turbulent relationship with his mother, you and your DH are potentially his only stability in his life and he needs to feel you both care for him and his wellbeing.

DriftingLeaves · 15/11/2019 22:54

If his father can afford to pay then take him. If not it's tough titty. He goes to his mum. He's practically an adult. How about he gets a job to pay for it?

Original poster

ThatSouthernchick · 15/11/2019 22:54

Yes and somebody else here actually suggested to invite the daughter as well. She's 21. I'd have to pay for her too. Honestly don't know how much longer I can do this. I obviously have lots of thinking and reflecting to do

OP posts:

Original poster

ThatSouthernchick · 15/11/2019 22:58

@DriftingLeaves his father is broke. Hence the tension in our relationship and hence my reason to take a break. Yes. I knew he has kids when i met him but his son moved in with us, not me with them. I've been nice but it's not appreciated.

OP posts:

CallmeAngelina · 15/11/2019 23:11

We're seeing the old MN double-standard here again.
Usually, step-parents are meant to be seen and not heard. Not your kids, keep your beak out, they have two parents already.
Until it comes to money and supplementing their lifestyle if the actual parents are running short for whatever reason. Then it's the step-parent's job to stump up as "you have to treat them as your own, at all times."
OP, you can't win here. You're going to be the bad guy whatever.

Original poster

ThatSouthernchick · 15/11/2019 23:17

@CallmeAngelina Yes, thanks for getting it. I see how it 'works here'. Don't know why i thought step parents would be more understanding.

OP posts:

Obviouslynotobvious · 16/11/2019 00:53

Ah I missed that these are teen and adult children. School fees etc made me think they were both kids. Either way this doesn't sound sustainable as it. Your partner needs to step up financially too by the sounds of it.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 16/11/2019 05:32

His age changes things. Is he responsible enough to stay home alone?

Stop paying for his Xbox - he can get a job.
Point still stands about school. If his parents can't afford it he can go to a state school.

Hulahoopqueen · 16/11/2019 05:51

(Step mum here) I would say if the plans were originally that he should spend the time there and you made plans based on that, then being a teenager he should understand that people will make plans based on what he says and it can’t always be changed that easily.

I don’t have the best patience, I look forward to the weekends my SS is with his DM as it’s a breather for me and DH, and I know that there will be times I’ll look forward to my own kids (currently expecting #1) going to school or whatever so I have a break.

It’s not evil to want to spend time with your own DH and son. Explain to your SS that he made his choice and you made your plans, you can’t afford for all of you to go. (Could their mum contribute if he can’t stand to be with them?)

Notnowokay · 16/11/2019 05:55

Do you know why he don't want to go to his mother? I would say "if you can't tell me good reason then you need to go to her." Don't encourage him to alienate his dm. Decide whether to include him or not based on the reason he gives you. If he can't give you a good reason send him to his mother. He hasn't seen her for 8 months. But I'm a fixer and I think it is more than likely that he wants to take his Xbox or he likes the idea of an empty house he can do anything he wants in.

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