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Parenting

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Original poster

Step parents please read. Only you will understand

88 replies

ThatSouthernchick · 15/11/2019 19:54

I expect to get a bashing or 2 but here goes. Will try to be brief. Living with partner for 6 years, have a little DS and he has a ds and dd from previous marriage .They chose to live with mom however his ds has been with us for 2 years. It took a while to adjust as he's a teenager,( hormonal changes and stuff) and we've had to get a bigger apartment. I can't lie but yes i do look forward to school holidays when he goes to Mom and sis for a week or 2 ( his dd also needs the break) plus i miss our privacy, but lately he hasn't been getting on with them so those holidays away at mom's place has become shorter and shorter. In fact he hasn't seen them for 8 months now however he's suppose to go this upcoming festive season. I've booked a getaway abroad for my ds and partner (my expense) but now his ds decided he won't be going to see mom and they can't afford to come here! He can't see why he can't come with us. A few reasons. He's dad has been struggling financially and tbh this has cause some tension between us as well as I've had to foot some of his ds bills (school fees and other school and recreational stuff). AIBU to not wanna pay for him to come along especially because its meant to be a quiet getaway . Please don't be too harsh guys. Thanks

OP posts:

Lofari · 16/11/2019 06:01

Hes plenty old enough to understand you made plans based on his plan to stay with his mother.
Sounds like you need a break OP

Spandang · 16/11/2019 06:02

Don't know why i thought step parents would be more understanding.

I’m a step parent. I think YABU.

You have to earn the title step mum, it doesn’t happen over night. I’d really agree with the PP who suggested you might want to think about if it’s for you.

You are blaming a 16 year old for your frustrations, a 16 year old who didn’t choose for his parents to split up, for money to be tight or for you to book a mini break. Those things are beyond his control.

I think you need to sit down with your partner and discuss what is actually frustrating you.

HerondaleDucks · 16/11/2019 06:03

Step mum here. You should include him. He clearly lives with you for a reason.
Tbh I would be inviting his sister as well.
You're a family... 3 children not 1

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Windygate · 16/11/2019 06:15

The problem is your DP not DSS. You shouldn't be paying his son's school fees etc.
If you haven't paid the balance consider cancelling and having Christmas at home. You and DP need to sit down and talk about finances.

HJWT · 16/11/2019 06:31

@ThatSouthernchick go on your own and let DP stay home with DSS if he cannot pay for him! Not your responsibility to find the money if your DSS has changed his mind...

ExhaustedFlamingo · 16/11/2019 06:34

The thing is, we all have different ideas about parenting and what we think is OK. So here's a way to check whether you're BU.

Do a reverse. Your partner has paid for you, him and your joint DS to go away for Christmas. You have your own, older DS from a past relationship who has said that he'll go to his nan/dad/other relative for Christmas. Older DS normally lives with you. A couple of months before you're due to go, he says he doesn't want to go to the relative and wants to come on the family holiday with you. Your partner says no, he can't come, he has to stay at home. He'll pay for your joint child to come but he won't pay for your own DS and doesn't want him there. Your partner thinks your son is a hassle and wants a quiet break without him for a change. Not a child-free break obviously, as you'll still have your own joint DS. He just doesn't want your DS, his SDS to come. Your son will have to stay at home on his own but he's upset because he feels excluded from your family holiday. Are you comfortable with your partner excluding your son from your family break and going away, leaving him on his own? Are you comfortable with your partner making it clear what a hassle he finds your son to be and wanting to get away from him (while still taking a half-sibling)?

If you can say, hand on heart, that you'd be OK with that decision, then fair enough. But the thing about being a step parent is that you can't treat your stepchildren worse than you'd accept your own children being treated. Where that line lies is up to you as a parent, but it needs to be consistent for ALL your children, bio, step or otherwise.

In all honesty though, reading your update you sound incredibly hostile towards your stepson, and resentful of the responsibilities it places on you. He may be 16 now but if he senses your negativity towards him, it's going to hurt and have repercussions.

You say you're going to have a rethink. It's OK if being a step-parent isn't for you - it will get easier as he becomes an adult but he's always going to be part of your lives, and you'll always need to consider him to a greater or less extent. Whether that's what you want is up to you. But you can't treat him like an annoying hanger-on for the rest of his life.

Mummyoflittledragon · 16/11/2019 06:44

Your dp is much more the issue here rather than your dss. Personally I would go away with your ds and leave your dh and dss at home. This will give you the break you crave without getting further involved in the money issues and situation.

I was going to come on here and say yabu because I was imaging your dss to be no older than 10. But at 16 he needs to understand he made decisions and you have made decisions based on this. It sounds as if you are treating him very much as part of the family and his father is letting him down. You aren’t a magic money tree either.

Bottom line it would be unfair to leave your dss home alone for Christmas. If it were another time, it would be ok to leave him alone if you think the house would be ok on your return. I also think a parent should encourage a child to see their other parent unless there are genuine concerns. So I’d be speaking to your dp about that. I know his dd doesn’t see him. But he shouldn’t tit for tat either.

Pringlesfortea · 16/11/2019 06:48

Why is is dad not paying his kids school fees ,why are u paying for the holiday on your own
What else are u having to pay for

WalkofShame · 16/11/2019 06:49

Step mum here. If I understand right he lives with you, you share a house / apartment. He’s your partner’s son. In my view that makes him your family and you treat him as such. Of course you make sure your apartment is big enough for him, goes without saying. Wanting your own privacy? He’s part of your family, not a lodger, unless you want total child free time (as opposed to DSS free time) this shows very clearly where he fits in your agenda.

In isolation, this change of plans is frustrating and could be dealt with by a pragmatic conversation with all involved but it’s not in isolation. Because you talk about him as though he’s an inconvenience in your life and that you’re some sort of hero for accommodating him.

The kid sounds like a normal 16 year old, you and your partner however, have issues and the sad thing is that your DSS may end up with his own issues as a result.

Partner needs to accept the fact that he’s not as rich as he once was and move him to state school. Unless he’s in the middle of GCSEs, in which case as a long term partner I’d happily support him to stay (but not go on about it as if that made me some sort of hero).

You need to realise that if you’re in a long term relationship with this man, his kids are part of the package and not resent them for something that’s not their fault.

HelloYouTwo · 16/11/2019 06:59

You seem to pay for a lot of stuff OP.

It also seems that your DP and his ex do pretty well out of you. You’re providing a home and school fees and holidays. What’s his mum doing? I can see that you might want a break, you might want this boy’s own mother to step up and parent too. Not to mention his dad.

I’d suggest that you take your child and have a break away from your DP and his kid. And don’t be subsidising them while you’re away. Perhaps your DP needs to get a grip of what it’s like to parent a child all by himself rather than reliving on his partner.

Bluntness100 · 16/11/2019 07:02

You don't say anything about this boys current behaviour, your reasons for excluding him seem to really amount to financial and you resent him. Your taking your own kid, so don't feel that disrupts your quiet get away.

How would you feel if your partner had the money and decided your kid wasn't invited? Do you have any empathy?

You're a blended family. Even though you don't wish to be. From what I see a lot of step parents reject their partners kids. So you're not alone.

Maybe you need to rethink your relationship. The financials obviously bother you a lot, and you resent your step kids. Sometimes love isn't enough to make a relationship work, when th circumstances cause resentment.

7yo7yo · 16/11/2019 07:03

Your problem isn’t your DSS it’s your partner.
Cocklodger by stealth.
Why are you taking money from your own child and paying for someone else’s?
Stop being a mug.

LynetteScavo · 16/11/2019 07:10

Maybe his mum would like to have him for Christmas? Initially I thought you were being very unreasonable, but if my own 16yo had made plans and I'd booked a trip over Christmas without him I would be annoyed. However, I would take him. Because that's what parents do.

Also, if dad is broke why did he continue into Y12 at a fee paying school? It would have even the perfect time to move to a state 6th form. I hope you're prepared to pay fees for the next two years.

Disclaimer: I'm not a step parent.

FTMF30 · 16/11/2019 07:38

OP, if you'd have mentioned DSS was almost 17, that would have given a whole different impression. I was imagining a kid somewhere around 12 years old tbh. But if he's in his late teens, i think the crucial thing is that this wasn't the plan. He needs to learn about decision making and the plan was for him to go with his mum. He's hardly a vulnerable child anymore.

And i stand by my original statement of understanding you wanting a peaceful break. If he were younger though, you do have to make sacrafices to ensure you don't damage them emotionally. But at 17, I'm sure he's old enough to understand imo.

ColdRainAgain · 16/11/2019 07:40

Taking the animosity out of it briefly, are people saying DSS and DSD should be entitled to go away with both families, but the child of the new relationship should only get half the holidays??? I can see why a family would plan a trip away occasionally when some of the kids have other plan - such as a communication to go to his mothers.

How long are you going for? If just a night or 2, can he stay at home alone?

FunOnTheBeach20 · 16/11/2019 07:42

Step parent too. I’d rather not take DSS on holiday sometimes, but I accept if my own DC come (ie it’s not a couples holiday) I can’t exclude my SC.

PinkCrayon · 16/11/2019 07:52

Step parent here: He was due to go to his mums therefore he should go.

JulieJones22 · 16/11/2019 07:53

SM here. I completely get why you want it just to be you and your Dc and DH, unfortunately, you have to treat SS as you would your own. If SS was DS would you not take him if he changed his mind?

It’s hard as a SP as you don’t have the same bond as you do with your own children and you crave that alone time. However, it’s not fair to them to let them know that, as they need to feel as much a part of the family as your own DC do. So a lot of the time you have to sacrifice your needs for SC needs.

ghostfromholidaypast · 16/11/2019 07:56

Op paying for a broke man to have a trip even though this broke man is causing her stress. What we teach dc hey!

But the dss needs to grow up and learn consequences?

I had this recently dp and I were going to a festival but plans changed and the ds's had to come. Still had an amazing time.

AiryFairyMum · 16/11/2019 09:43

Why is he broke?

SpinneyHill · 16/11/2019 15:15

OP didn't 'decide' to exclude him, he was planning on being at Mums and has changed his mind, He will likely change his mind again, but kudos to those of you wealthy enough that it wouldn't be a pisser to be messed about and have to pay for the privilege.

After 14/ 15 I was asked if I wanted to go on the holiday, it wouldn't have been ok to invite myself after the booking had been made, at 16 I was no longer considered a helpless child either

VondaVomin · 16/11/2019 18:09

Hang on, this is not a case of the OP blocking her DSS from coming on a family holiday her DP is willing to pay for.

The reality is that the OPs DP should be paying for his DS, but he isn't. Failing that the mum should pay, but she isn't. No way on earth should the OP be paying for his child to go on holiday. They are not even married.

The fact that DSS has changed his mind is also relevant. Sorry you are too late, you said you were going to your mum's so I have already booked is a perfectly fair thing to say to a 16 year old, regardless of who is paying.

I can't quite believe that you are also paying his school fees OP, don't be a mug, you are not a bank. Tell them you will not be paying any more. It sounds as if you are going to need all your money to look after yourself and your DC shortly.

Thanksgiving2019 · 16/11/2019 18:19

Could you lend his father the money for his sons trip and he pay you back?

choli · 17/11/2019 09:12

Could you lend his father the money for his sons trip and he pay you back?
Yes that's likely . That's op setting herself up for a lifetime of paying for the kid.

Stegosaurus1990 · 17/11/2019 15:27

Could you lend his father the money for his sons trip and he pay you back?

Oh god, don’t do that.

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