I realised today I have failed as a mum

[Autumntoowet]

Something clicked today and I realised I have fAiled and DS would be better off if he had another mum.
He is almost 3, I am 37 weeks pregnant. We have no family and not really friends apart from some mums from groups that we see sporadically.
Struggling looking after him whilst pregnant so trying to go fun places. Went to soft play today for a gym session. Lovely, so much fun for him,
Then a snack, I couldn’t get him to eat a sandwich so he had a jelly pouch thing and a muffin. Great parenting. They had nothing else there and I hadn’t packed stuff thinking they would have some.
Great parenting.
Then I really should have left but he asked to play more, I have been ill and tired this pregnancy so I thought nice to have some more fun.
It started to get late and I had to go food shopping and to the hardware store so I said “5 more minutes and we go”
He usually is ok when you give him a little time warning.
5 mins later he didn’t want to come out the little soft play enclosure (a small one in the cafe area”
A mum approached me and made conversation (we are bilingual) and started saying a bunch of them get together weekly for the children to practice the language, she was lovely, I never make friends anymore.
I said come on no, we really must go.
The mum tried to help me.
He started screaming “;No!!” No! Like I have never seen him do before. “Go away mummy”
The mum walked away.
I said come on please we will get a ticket.
More shouting
He was at the top level of the play area which I couldn’t physically access.
Another 15 minutes.
I could not get him to come out. I stood there. Tears in my eyes. Realising I could not get my son to come out and listen and leave.
Another ten minutes, I tried everything. I then realised, I am shit. I had nothing else to try, will we stay here until they close?
Finally he came out. I shouted in the car. I cried.

5 hours later I am thinking this is it. I have no idea how to be a mum. I never got the details of the meet up, they didn’t say bye as I walked past swallowing my tears. I don’t blame them. They were so lovely.

So what do I do? What should I have done then?

How will I cope with two if I have failed with one?

I have a DH (the DCs dad) who is amazing, I missed that.

You sound like a couple of my friends. They are great mums, they just have odious, stubborn 3 year olds Don’t take it to heart so much, honestly

He is a lovely child. I have never seen him like that. I should have know what to do.
I shouted in the car.

Hey, you just had a crap day! The woman who spoke to you probably just didn't want to interfere in your parenting! Nothing you did sounds problematic! Shouting at him in the car wasn't great, but won't have done any lasting damage provided it's not a regular thing. You sound exhausted!

You give yourself a break, that's what you do! Small children can be arseholes! Just like adults can. When you are that prrgnant with a toddler to look after, you do whatever you have to to get through the day. And that carries on once there's 2. Have a bar of chocolate, tell your son you're sorry for shouting and have a good night's sleep. It all gets better when they move out xxx

I'd go to the same place at the same time next week, in the hope that you will see the other mum again. Just laugh off what happened, I'm sure she's been there, done that! Out of curiosity: which language?

Don’t take it to heart OP we all have our struggles as mothers, it’s normal.

And kids ALL go through phases. Trust me I’m a mum to 5 year old twin girls so I know.

You have NOT failed as a mother. Don’t be so hard on yourself. You are a great mother and your son adores you!!! Don’t let a bad day define everything.

yeah, stop the shouting maybe, ....but also don't worry, this is all part and parcel of being a mum

You're just normal, we've all been there

your kid is normal too. I used to find that "too much fun" made my toddlers overtired and difficult. All normal.

Honestly you have not failed, he is a threenager as my best friend calls her son. Have a cup of tea and remember, you're doing the best you can, we all are.

He was just trying it on. Usually he comes out with a 5 minute warning. All DC can have a bad day. They all go through a phase of saying no. He's asserting his independence and pushing boundaries. All normal.

You sound exhausted.

Hand hold. This sounds totally normal to me - all toddlers are little beggars at times and there isn't always a magic phrase to make them behave!

If the lady you met had children of a similar or older age I'm sure she will know this!

To me this sounds like a crap day with a 3 year old who’s playing up.

If this (or better) is typical, you’re definitely not a bad mum.

And you’d have to be aeons worse than that for him to be better off without you.

Having said that, I spent my last pregnancy thinking my daughter would be better off without me, and in the midst of antenatal depression I wouldn’t have listened to anyone telling me I was wrong. Doesn’t mean you’re right though, does it

That's just how parenting is. You had a bad day. 3 yr olds can be like that. Don't be hard on yourself or your DS. It's OK!

You sound so beaten down. That is a normal day with a three year old. You aren't failing at parenting AT ALL.

Have you talked to your midwife about these feelings? I think you should, they will be able to support you.

I have never seen him like that. I should have know what to do.

Why on earth should you have known what to do if he's never been like that before? You're being way too hard on yourself. The food thing - so what? One bad meal isn't going to kill him, or spoil him. I doubt the other mum has thought anything other than "that poor woman, we've all been there". It's hard to know whether to try and interfere or just to leave someone to it. She probably thought it would be better if you didn't have an audience while trying to deal with him. I've got almost 3yo twins and I have lost count of the amount of times I've felt like you describe and been in tears because I "can't do it". But every day, every minute, I still turn up and do it anyway. We are all just doing our best. Yes, pretty much every parent shouts too. I always apologise to my DC if I have shouted where its not warranted but getting shouted at when he's been a naughty little wotsit isn't going to hurt him.

I find it helps mine to know what's going to happen ie "we are going here for X time, then we will go home in the car. Do you want to watch hey duggee when you get home?" Then later on if they aren't listening to me I say something like "if you don't come out now then you won't have time to watch duggee. Don't you want to watch duggee?" It doesn't always work but preparing them for what's going to happen does help.

But you haven't failed. It was a couple of hours out of a lifetime of parenting.

Thank you all.
I am crying again. I just apologised to him for the shouting and started crying.
I can’t believe I shouted. It is the one thing I never wanted to do as I was raised like that.
I have been thinking practically, ok what would you do differently next time if he doesn’t want to go?
No clue. No idea.
I would be in the same situation.

I don’t see other mums struggling like this. I tried to raise him with kindness and look at me now.

You sound thoughtful, you care about your child and you’re self analytical. That immediately puts you in the top half of parents.

My own mother didn’t give a shit about anyone, never examined her behaviour or cared about how it affected those around her. That’s what a bad mother looks like.

Believe me when I say that having the odd bad day and winging it occasionally on what your son eats does not mean you’re a bad mother!

Don't worry @Autumntoowet you're totally not failing. Happened with my son on a bouncy castle, couldn't go on pregnant to get him off. They're stubborn alright. I countdown from 3, works sometimes oh and of course bribery.

Have you talked to your midwife about these feelings? I think you should, they will be able to support you.

I only realised today. Standing there, looking at him shouting No! And realising I had no clue.
Like an out of body experience.
You are all too kind. He really is so good and deserves better

Don't be hard on yourself. Next time talk him through the soft play 'rules' before you go in. Let him come up with most of them but make sure they include coming immediately when told. He is testing boundaries. Completely normal and age appropriate. You just need to be consistent. He knows you were not happy. Telling him off was much better than ignoring it and letting him think he can get away with behaving like that. You can always give him a hug and say 'mummy is sorry she shouted. I did it because you would not come when I asked you and I felt cross' and then talk about what he could have done when you told him to come. Give him the tools to make better choices and don't beat yourself up. Parenting is hard. Being pregnant is tough. You have both at once. You are doing a great job

You are not a crap mum, you are just having a bad day. We all have them. Please don't be disheartened by this.

This sort of thing has happened dozens of times to me! Don't beat yourself up. It's just parenting.

I don’t see other mums struggling like this. I tried to raise him with kindness and look at me now

They do struggle OP, everyone does. Being a mum isnt a walk in the park, some days are brilliant and others are awful.

Bare in mind your 37 weeks pregnant, youll be knakkered!!

Is DS in nursery? If not is it possible to get him in? I remember being really grateful i could drop off DD aged 2 at nursery while i had newborn DS,

Please dont be so hard on yourself, 3 year olds can be demons

My DS is now nearly 3 and he refuses to do anything i want him to do, every single day without fail he refuses to come out of nursery and i have to pretend to leave everytime for him to come with me. Maybe try that if it happens again?

Thank you. I take note of those tips for next time.
It was a new place and I didn’t know how to prepare.
He was so happy, he was having such a good time.
You are all very kind. I feel I don’t deserve it.
Thank you

You are heavily pregnant. You’ve not felt well for ages. I’d bet my last £ you’re not getting enough restful sleep. You have not failed as a Mum you’ve just had a particularly bad day. I agree if this feeling continues talk to your MW or GP but for now talk to your Dh & give yourself a break.