I realised today I have failed as a mum

[Autumntoowet]

Something clicked today and I realised I have fAiled and DS would be better off if he had another mum.
He is almost 3, I am 37 weeks pregnant. We have no family and not really friends apart from some mums from groups that we see sporadically.
Struggling looking after him whilst pregnant so trying to go fun places. Went to soft play today for a gym session. Lovely, so much fun for him,
Then a snack, I couldn’t get him to eat a sandwich so he had a jelly pouch thing and a muffin. Great parenting. They had nothing else there and I hadn’t packed stuff thinking they would have some.
Great parenting.
Then I really should have left but he asked to play more, I have been ill and tired this pregnancy so I thought nice to have some more fun.
It started to get late and I had to go food shopping and to the hardware store so I said “5 more minutes and we go”
He usually is ok when you give him a little time warning.
5 mins later he didn’t want to come out the little soft play enclosure (a small one in the cafe area”
A mum approached me and made conversation (we are bilingual) and started saying a bunch of them get together weekly for the children to practice the language, she was lovely, I never make friends anymore.
I said come on no, we really must go.
The mum tried to help me.
He started screaming “;No!!” No! Like I have never seen him do before. “Go away mummy”
The mum walked away.
I said come on please we will get a ticket.
More shouting
He was at the top level of the play area which I couldn’t physically access.
Another 15 minutes.
I could not get him to come out. I stood there. Tears in my eyes. Realising I could not get my son to come out and listen and leave.
Another ten minutes, I tried everything. I then realised, I am shit. I had nothing else to try, will we stay here until they close?
Finally he came out. I shouted in the car. I cried.

5 hours later I am thinking this is it. I have no idea how to be a mum. I never got the details of the meet up, they didn’t say bye as I walked past swallowing my tears. I don’t blame them. They were so lovely.

So what do I do? What should I have done then?

How will I cope with two if I have failed with one?

You’re a brilliant mum; thoughtful and kind to take your son to a soft play, play with him and treat him to a muffin - he must have loved it!
One slightly less healthy meal isn’t going to change him, and tbh I wouldn’t even think of packing a lunch if we were going somewhere with a cafe.
As @Caterina99 said above, I don’t know a single person who hasn’t carried their child out of a soft play kicking and screaming! In fact I’d be worried if either of my DS wanted to leave of their own accord.
Definitely don’t worry about the other mums who you almost swapped details with. They’re going to be the last people to judge (and I’ve burst into tears in public on more than one occasion). Maybe you can find the group on FB and get in touch with them that way.
You must be knackered - put your feet up and hand your DS to DH for a few hours this weekend.

Hand hold.
It’s so so tough having a toddler and being pregnant, you can seriously cut yourself some slack.
Nothing ever made me feel like a failure like a toddler can. They can be so impossible, and it always seemed like every other mum has cunning ways of coping, the right snacks at the ready, the wellies always in the car. I used to spend a lot of time observing these clever women, and just as my younger got to about 7, I finally got to be a bit more adequate at parenting small children. They are teens now and still seem to like me, despite my failings.

I had an odd experience of actually somehow finding it easier in some ways when my second child arrived. It took away from the intensity of 1:1, and gave the eldest a focus that wasn’t me.

But maybe like me, Parenting small children isn’t going to be your favourite bit.

You sound insightful and invested in doing your best. I know shouting isn’t great, but as long as it’s not a daily event, all will be well.

Keep on reaching out for support, and please don’t be so tough on yourself.

I firmly believe that the world would be a happier, stress free place if we banned all 2 and 3 year olds till they become normal children again 😁. They look so cute at that age but all are little dictators.

Bless you! The fact that you care and are upset that you shouted, shows what a good mum you are. We all have days like that-you’re not alone.

I’m a firm believer that sometimes we need a good cry. When I was expecting dc5 I’d had a particularly bad day, nothing specific just the older 4 being hard work & my morning sickness was bad. I broke a plastic spatula while cooking dinner & it was like the final straw & I had a full on cry, big blubby tears, snot, the lot. It helped.

Do try & go back to see if you can make some friends, parenthood can be incredibly lonely in the early years, especially if you don’t know anyone/are new to an area.

We all have bad days. The good parents are the ones who, when the dust has settled, pick themselves back up and say 'how can we do better next time?' And get straight back to it.

You're hormonal and you've had a bad day.
Talk to him now you're both calm and explain next time he doesn't come you'll count to ten and if he still doesn't come you'll take his fave toy away for half hour (or whatever)
One day of not being well prepared doesn't make you a bad mum.

I'm going to say, ignore a lot of the parenting advice here. Not because it is bad advice, but because even if you do everything correctly there will still be days when your children are tiny nightmares and don't do what you say.

It's okay that they don't listen sometimes and it's okay that you shout sometimes.

Because neither you nor your child are a robot that if you say the right words will behave precisely as programmed. You are both much more complicated than that.

So give both of you a break. Expect that he will mess up sometimes, and you will mess up sometimes and as long as you both do the best you can and say sorry for anything out of line once things have calmed down, things will be fine.

You're a good mum. 100%. You care.

3 year olds can be incredibly hard work.
The last few weeks of pregnancy can be incredibly hard work.
Go easy on yourself!

... neither you nor your child are a robot that if you say the right words will behave precisely as programmed. You are both much more complicated than that.

Wise words indeed!

Honestly you sound like a lovely mum. Sometimes three year olds just don't listen. He's young and he's learning. Like another poster said don't take it to heart so much. I had exactly the same thing happen to me in a soft play but just after I'd had my second baby. Had to hand my six week old over to another mum I'd only been chatting to for about twenty minutes to go into the soft play to retrieve my three year old. It's a bad day it happens, try to be kind to yourself and move on x

You are being way too hard on yourself, everything you did was fine and 3 year olds sometimes have an embarrassing tantrum. That's just what they do don't believe anyone who says their amazing parenting means their kid is well behaved at all times.

My three year old had always been quite an easy going child and he turned into a proper little so and so around three. He discovered how to push my buttons and would do the most awful things (eg hitting me) with a big grin on his face. I honestly worried he had some kind of problem (except that he was fine with other people... Didn't exactly make me feel great!). He drove me demented regularly but eventually calmed down and at 5 and a half is mostly fairly civilised and doing really well at school. I had to find my assertive side and put in place some consequences but it took some time to see any change. I read somewhere that people call this age 'the boundary years' because it's all about toddlers finding what happens when you push those boundaries. Good luck with the baby arriving - I'm not going to lie, I found the first year really tough but it was totally worth it now the younger one is two and they can giggle away together. You must be kind to yourself and do keep an eye out for the depression - even if it takes a different form to your previous experience. Thoughts about him being better off without you are not rational, he is clearly a very loved little boy who is pushing the boundaries.

Bless you Op. My 3 are adults now but this took me back. Being pregnant and managing a toddler is utterly shit. Well done you for taking him out for a treat. If it helps with the shit mum thing, mine are adults/older teens and I am sitting here worrying because:
DD1 is 28 and still lives at home. Where did I go wrong? Why doesn’t she have a job? Could I have caused her mental health issues.
DD2 just cancelled her engagement and planned marriage. Where did I go wrong? Why did she throw a way a good relationship? Is it my fault she is unhappy about getting married and settling down?
DS1 has left school with no plans other than taking a gap year. He has been at the doctors today as his acne is terrible. Have I fed him a dreadful diet? Is it my fault?

It never stops op.

Thank you all again, I had a long day at work yesterday so just reading all the messages now.
Thank you 😊
Updates are:
I stopped crying 😀 about it.
Yesterday I was still feeling pretty crappy about it.
Today we had a lovely day, we played lots at home and then a walk so he could ride his balance bike.
I still feel bad when I think about it but I have realised he has food and bad days like me!
Oh, this is funny What usually works for my kids is actually just leaving. So packing up and saying bye (assume they’re safe of course) and just walking away. 9 out of 10 times they will come running as they don’t want to be left behind.
So, this is funny now looking back because I tried it! And he was always the one to never want to be dropped off at nursery but when I said “ok mummy is going to go then bye bye” he blew a kiss and said “ok bye bye mummy” 😳😳😳😳
He called my bluff 😳
And I was left with nothing!!! (This was most definitely not funny then)

I am most definitely very hormonal and moving from one emotion to the next quickly!

I shall try to remember all the wise advice, including the fact that one day won’t mess up my child forever and I have many many years of drama to follow.

Thank you all so much

Bless your heart.
I promise you that you are not a shit mum.
You were tired and stressed and as wonderful as small children can be they can also be little buggers on occasion. Definitely when they can sense you could do without it.
I am a mum, a nan , have been a foster carer and now look after children for a living. Most of the time I love them all, but every now and again I most certainly do not.
This doesn't make me crap it makes me human.
Be kind to yourself, talk to your partner, keep trying to join in. You will get there. You can do this.
Best wishes. 💐

Bribery - works everytime, bring a lolly pop or small toy. I'll probably get blasted for it but it works 🤭

Yey @ boots20.
Due to everyone locally knowing me, sometimes a mum up the school or in the shop hands over a sweet or treat and when they notice me they half smile and say 'bit of bribery' I grin and shrug and say 'it works for me'
At least we'll be flamed together

They are evil wee sods lol, you will giggle about this one day, when your not about to give birth and hormonal. I don't know how we have an adult population at all, even animals eat their young haha...Somedays!!!

Just remember the karma bus is coming and the timer is ticking, one day too they shall be in your position....Not soon enough but hey ho, in the meantime do whatever it takes to stay sane