I realised today I have failed as a mum

[Autumntoowet]

Something clicked today and I realised I have fAiled and DS would be better off if he had another mum.
He is almost 3, I am 37 weeks pregnant. We have no family and not really friends apart from some mums from groups that we see sporadically.
Struggling looking after him whilst pregnant so trying to go fun places. Went to soft play today for a gym session. Lovely, so much fun for him,
Then a snack, I couldn’t get him to eat a sandwich so he had a jelly pouch thing and a muffin. Great parenting. They had nothing else there and I hadn’t packed stuff thinking they would have some.
Great parenting.
Then I really should have left but he asked to play more, I have been ill and tired this pregnancy so I thought nice to have some more fun.
It started to get late and I had to go food shopping and to the hardware store so I said “5 more minutes and we go”
He usually is ok when you give him a little time warning.
5 mins later he didn’t want to come out the little soft play enclosure (a small one in the cafe area”
A mum approached me and made conversation (we are bilingual) and started saying a bunch of them get together weekly for the children to practice the language, she was lovely, I never make friends anymore.
I said come on no, we really must go.
The mum tried to help me.
He started screaming “;No!!” No! Like I have never seen him do before. “Go away mummy”
The mum walked away.
I said come on please we will get a ticket.
More shouting
He was at the top level of the play area which I couldn’t physically access.
Another 15 minutes.
I could not get him to come out. I stood there. Tears in my eyes. Realising I could not get my son to come out and listen and leave.
Another ten minutes, I tried everything. I then realised, I am shit. I had nothing else to try, will we stay here until they close?
Finally he came out. I shouted in the car. I cried.

5 hours later I am thinking this is it. I have no idea how to be a mum. I never got the details of the meet up, they didn’t say bye as I walked past swallowing my tears. I don’t blame them. They were so lovely.

So what do I do? What should I have done then?

How will I cope with two if I have failed with one?

Thank you all. It seems like I am not alone.
It was so hard today. I am very tired and I do try very hard.
I don’t have antenatal depression, I did a year and a half ago or so and I have had counselling regarding my own childhood as another poster suggested. I am subclinical now, I am not depressed (believe me I know when I show signs and I search help immediately.
I a, however, hard on myself normally but because I believe it was my choice to have DCs and I want to do my best.
I normally have tools to use and I thought I was parenting ok. But the situation this morning and the shouting I’m the car...
Well that was not ok. He is only little. Have I forgotten that?as someone said... well of course he is having fun he won’t come out.
And yes, I think maybe it was too much fun and he lost control a bit. We were there for 3 hours at the end

DH is home, I cried and cried and now feel more calm.

I still think this is really had and maybe I can’t do it. I suspect he has figured it out.

Thank you so much everyone, I might go again and see if the mums are there next week.

I haven’t made friends here and DH and I are doing this all on our own with no family and friends and I was raised in a different country so sometimes I feel odd, and alone, and being a mum is the one thing I want to get right.

Thank you so much everyone

Your kid had a tantrum so you think your a shit mum? Your hormones are getting to you... that's normal. He's loved, cared for and safe so that means you're doing your job perfectly well. Shouting is sometimes necessary - he likely won't pull that stunt again.

Oh bless you. If you were a crap mum you surely wouldn't care? You've had a bad day, as we all do, as those other mums do also, and we and they, will understand. Try and be a bit kinder to yourself x

Just a shit day! Wouldn't be surprised if he pops a fever tonight, btw. My youngest was an absolute doll, unless she was getting sick. Three times she was a doll all right, a chucky horror doll, and all three times ended up sick. You're a good mum if at 3 yo you've never seen that behavior, trust me. Try to get a good night sleep.

You are definitely not alone! I am 31 weeks pregnant with a stubborn 3 year old and a stubborn 4 year old!! Some days are just shit! I had to carry my kicking and screaming 3 year old out of his swimming lesson a few weeks back because she had a meltdown about something trivial! Sometimes kids are unreasonable arseholes! Sometimes I'm an unreasonable arsehole! Don't beat yourself up just have a good cry and tomorow will be better!

Oh you should definitely try to track down those mums who speak your home language. They sound lovely. Try Facebook maybe? Or ask around people you do know. Or at the local library or even soft play. I’m sure they don’t think badly of you and it would be great to meet up once you have a baby as well as toddler.

You’ve had a bad day, you’ve not failed as a mum, not anywhere close.

You’ve taken him to a soft play at 37 weeks pregnant, you’re a bloody hero. I was lying on the sofa with CBeebies on occasionally chucking snacks in my son’s direction at that point.

For what it’s worth I found having a newborn and a toddler about a million times easier than being pregnant with a toddler. The exhaustion is unreal. You will feel so much better when you aren’t pregnant I’m sure.

@Autumntoowet - when ds1 was going through the tantrum stage of the terrible twos, we had a dreadful evening followed by an equally dreadful morning, and by 9am I was on the phone to dh, in tears because ds1 was screaming his head off, and had been for nearly an hour, and I couldn’t cope.

Suddenly it went quiet, so I rang off and went to investigate, only to find him by the kitchen bin, eating the leftover tortilla chips dh and I had thrown away the previous night.

And that isn’t the worst of it. I looked at him, and thought that, if I took him away from his delicious bin-snack, he’d start screaming again, and I just couldn’t face it - so I let him go on eating!. When he got bored and wandered off, I emptied the bin, and found somewhere to put it, out of his reach.

We all have days when things go wrong, the children play us up, we make mistakes - but I hope my story has made you laugh and showed you that you are NOT a bad mum - you are a mum who has had a bad day - very different things.

Incidentally, ds1 had no ill effects either from the bin-tortillas, or from me not dealing firmly with his behaviour on that occasion - he grew up healthy, happy and reasonably well adjusted, got a law degree, and is now in gainful employment and has a lovely girlfriend - and I am sure your child’s future is every bit as rosy as his - I promise.

I don’t know a single one of my friends that hasn’t had to drag a screaming toddler out of a play date at some point. We’re usually just glad it isn’t us this time.

You say other mums don’t have to deal with this and you’ve failed? Trust me EVERYONE has had a moment where their toddler has misbehaved in some way in public

What usually works for my kids is actually just leaving. So packing up and saying bye (assume they’re safe of course) and just walking away. 9 out of 10 times they will come running as they don’t want to be left behind.

There’s always that one time though. Tricks I have used are a tasty treat (aka a bribe) that they see and then can only eat in the car. Promise that they’ll see daddy/grandma/the cat/x toy when they get home. Threat of x punishment at home, but to be honest I don’t think that works so well with little ones as they just don’t seem to be able to make the connection.

Also you’re heavily pregnant. That was torture with a toddler in tow. I genuinely found it easier with toddler and newborn

@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius
I love your post

I think we've all been there! Honestly I think you're over thinking this one.

You sound completely normal . Pretty much everyone shouts at their dc's and loses it sometimes.

You're doing fine. He's 3 and 3 year olds can be a complete PITA about everything.

Bless you, you've not failed as a Mum at all. Three year olds are hard work, mine was a terror at that age. He used to climb right to the top at soft play and refuse to come down. Please don't beat yourself up. The other mum probably just wanted to give you space.

You sound like a lovely mum. You have posted on here because you are worried you are not doing the best you can for your little boy (you are by the way!).

I’ve got a 2.5 year old DD. I’ve read a million parenting books, try so hard to be a gentle, responsive parent, but JESUS CHRIST sometimes I could literally SCREAM! On more than one occasion I have cried in my bathroom, and I have shouted at her.

We have all been there, and you are not alone.

If that was a really bad day you are doing fine
FWIW I always found heavily pregnant plus toddler much much harder than newborn plus toddler.

This too shall pass

You haven't failed at parenting OP.

The other mum on the other hand failed at humanity - I can't get past her walking away instead of helping you coax your DC out of the soft play

You sound like a lovely, thoughtful mum. 3 year olds would try the patience of a saint sometimes.

I’ve been where you are - new country - and I’d say go to groups and join whatever until you break the ice with like minded people. It took me bloody AGES and there was plenty of awkwardness, but it was worth it in the end, just to have someone to laugh with about the lunacy of toddlerdom.

Plenty of ‘bin snack’ experiences here too! Don’t be too hard on yourself.

Studies show 99% of Three year olds are little shits .

You have my sympathies, I have a three year and 4 month age gap.

I have been where you are and I just want you to know it's normal, you're normal and your kid is normal.

And even if you don't know me and I am at soft play, you're pregnant and cannot retrieve your child I will happily go and fetch the little devil. Don't be afraid to ask for back up. That goes for anyone btw. I am the one in the corner drinking coffee and scrolling my phone because I am socially awkward.

You're a good mum - the bad ones wouldn't write posts like this

Be kind to yourself, you're doing great

Deep breath. You are not a bad parent.

Sometimes we are pushed to our limits, remember the people who push your buttons the most are the ones who love you beyond anything, they know you are going anywhere and when they are stroppy they take it out on you.

There is not a mother who can claim they haven’t been pushed to the limit at one point or another. I lost it with dc1 age 3 when I bought a sylvanian family set as a treat and she lost a tiny piece of it within 5 mins of opening. I didn’t really care but I had a month old and was at my limit. Now age 12 significant damage has not been done .

Tomorrow is another day. You aren’t alone. No one was judging you.

Three year olds can be proper little shits, THEY DONT STAY THAT WAY. Three is a testing the boundaries age and this I’d part of it.

There's no cure for being three except not being three any more. Kids are little horrors but they grow out of needing soft play etc and you can live like a normal person again.

You're a better woman than me. When DS was three I often just didn't take him places where he might kick off publicly. I found it beyond stressful and often not worth it.

Everyone has shit days OP. Everyone feels like a shit parent from time to time.

In that situation at soft play, I would have shouted up 'bye then' to him and wandered off so he couldn't see me. That usually gets my two to behave for about five minutes after they panic and think I've left them behind.

I know you probably know this already, but when you know you've got something else to do, just go and do it. Don't give into the 'five more minutes'.

Oh and both mine had terrible food habits. Still do, it’s not that I’m beyond caring but frankly they are healthy and happy so.......

And you’ve only got another 18 months or so before school. You will meet lovely people (and some unlovely ones) who will hopefully become part of your future friendship group.

We moved rurally when dc1 was 2, I had no friends even though I’d grown up in the area, the house wasn’t the way we wanted it, I was pregnant and BEGGED dh to move back to the city.

There is not enough money in the world to make me leave our home and the area we live in to go back to a city. We have friends, children are growing up and our current challenge is the teenage years 😂.

You are fine, you are better than fine. He will have forgotten you shouted at him. Three year olds are like goldfish - 3 second brain and don’t hold a grudge. That’s why they are SO BLOODY ANNOYING at times! Don’t you hold a grudge either x

You had a bad day. Always take food everywhere you go and drinks. Offer chocolate for the car to get him to leave anywhere. Next time you go that place put plenty of money on the meter and eat cake 😄