I realised today I have failed as a mum

[Autumntoowet]

Something clicked today and I realised I have fAiled and DS would be better off if he had another mum.
He is almost 3, I am 37 weeks pregnant. We have no family and not really friends apart from some mums from groups that we see sporadically.
Struggling looking after him whilst pregnant so trying to go fun places. Went to soft play today for a gym session. Lovely, so much fun for him,
Then a snack, I couldn’t get him to eat a sandwich so he had a jelly pouch thing and a muffin. Great parenting. They had nothing else there and I hadn’t packed stuff thinking they would have some.
Great parenting.
Then I really should have left but he asked to play more, I have been ill and tired this pregnancy so I thought nice to have some more fun.
It started to get late and I had to go food shopping and to the hardware store so I said “5 more minutes and we go”
He usually is ok when you give him a little time warning.
5 mins later he didn’t want to come out the little soft play enclosure (a small one in the cafe area”
A mum approached me and made conversation (we are bilingual) and started saying a bunch of them get together weekly for the children to practice the language, she was lovely, I never make friends anymore.
I said come on no, we really must go.
The mum tried to help me.
He started screaming “;No!!” No! Like I have never seen him do before. “Go away mummy”
The mum walked away.
I said come on please we will get a ticket.
More shouting
He was at the top level of the play area which I couldn’t physically access.
Another 15 minutes.
I could not get him to come out. I stood there. Tears in my eyes. Realising I could not get my son to come out and listen and leave.
Another ten minutes, I tried everything. I then realised, I am shit. I had nothing else to try, will we stay here until they close?
Finally he came out. I shouted in the car. I cried.

5 hours later I am thinking this is it. I have no idea how to be a mum. I never got the details of the meet up, they didn’t say bye as I walked past swallowing my tears. I don’t blame them. They were so lovely.

So what do I do? What should I have done then?

How will I cope with two if I have failed with one?

I'll bet other parents didn't notice it as much as you think, and if they did notice, they probably just sympathised with you having a bad day. You've not failed at all and no one whose opinion is worth caring about thinks you're a bad mum.

Dust yourself off, tomorrow is another day!

You're 37 weeks pregnant, you deserve a medal for even getting out of the house with a 3 year old!! Give yourself a break, please. Toddlers are literally designed to test our patience

Oh God, don't worry. Honestly.

DD1 is a pretty good girl but recently she had a meltdown in a cafe because she wanted a whole (giant) slab of cake to herself, far too big for a 4yo. Mostly she is really good about that sort of thing but she just lost it.

I had to take her out and have stern words outside which she pretty much ignored. So bloody embarrassing, and some woman came up and tutted about what a naughty girl she was (thanks a bunch, lady!).

These things happen.

As for shouting? If you do it every day or every time they misbehave = bad. If you do it occasionally when they have really been little wotsits, then they learn that even lovely kind Mummy is human and has a breaking point, and that's fine. Seriously, everybody who is a mum has had that day, everybody!

The first time I took my daughter to the local soft play my next door neighbour and a mutual friend were there with their 3 year olds. By their own admission they had stayed too long.... Both children were, by this point, completely naked! My next door neighbour was trying in a way only a dad could to reason with his ds that going down the massive slide on his front whilst naked was not going to end well.

Eventually both toddlers were bundled into clothes and out of the building.

I'm sure that day will be recalled at various points in the future.

OP your soft play experience today sounds like a fairly common experience just made more emotional and difficult by being heavily pregnant. Be kind to yourself.

Next time talk him through the soft play 'rules' before you go in

So you say before your go in

We are going to soft play, when it’s time to leave you must come straight away. We will get a X on the way home.

If you don’t come straight away, we won’t be going again.

Ask him if he understands -

I have a 3.5 yr old and a 4 month old baby. The end of pregnancy was so tough, I was exhausted. I honestly have more energy now with an ebf baby - not my choice to ebf by the way.

We have good days and bad but more realistically good 30 mins and bad 30 mins.

3 year old are difficult because they have just worked out that they can choose to misbehave.

I love it when I see another child kicking off. It makes my family life feel more normal.

Oh my DD has taken to saying ‘I don’t want to be your daughter anymore’,

You have a 2 year old and are 37 weeks pregnant? Sounds pretty normal to me and very far from being a failure as a mum.

I would be good idea to look up some techniques which might work when he doesn't want to do things for you. It's always good to have a few tricks up your sleeve, especially in a few weeks when the baby arrives.

I may have spent a year bribing my 2yo with biscuits

He's almost three, his sole purpose in life at the moment is to test boundaries. Nothing, absolutely nothing you did today signposts you as a failure. I have a foster child the same sort of age, there are days I want to hide out in the chicken shed and forget all about being a foster parent because my child drives me to the edge of reason and on other days they are my ray of shining light in the darkness.

You my lovely, are a fine mother.

You're doing fine. You're a normal mum with a normal occasionally wankerish three year old.

I was worse than you, was 40 odd weeks pregnant, left a one year old strapped in the buggy to chase the two year old round the soft play. And couldn't fit through the roller tube things to get to her. Had to ask strangers to fetch my child.

They can be sods, and seem to have a very intuitive radar for when Mum is tired/struggling/attention elsewhere. It's just the time when they pull out their worst behaviour.

Oh OP, I have times like this with my three year old all the time! They can be oppositional little buggers and it’s normal to get frustrated. I shouted at mine a couple of weeks ago and felt just awful about it. But we learn and move on.

for you.

I'm wondering if you may have antenatal depression. It's not normal to say your child 'deserves better' over what are very normal things. You are taking a very harsh view of yourself. Your child only wants you, his mummy..

Please do talk to your midwife and consider showing them what you've written.

Calmly state that there will be a consequence when you get home if they don't come out. You don't have to say what the consequence will be at that point, just that the longer they take to come out, the bigger the consequence will be. That gives you time to think of something. But you must follow through. Sometimes the consequence doesn't even have to be real. It could be something like " we were going to stop and have a cake on the way home and now we are not". They think they've been punished.

Be calm and consistent. Always follow through with consequences.

You could try using my variant of 123 magic.Tell them there will be a consequence when you count and if you get to three but don't tell them what it is. You will have time to think of a consequence later and not make rash ones in the heat of the moment that you regret and also if they don't know what the consequence is, just that there will be one, they can't choose whether the behavior is worth continuing or not

You will shout cos they drive you nuts and I am sure you will shout some more too before they reach 18.
Parenting is bloody hard work, comes with no off switch and no mercy from the wee tyrants. Please don't feel you are a failure, your not at all. The other Mum's probably felt sorry for you ( they understand, trust me)and just kept at a distance because they know exactly how it feels, and sometimes the best thing to do is leave Mum get on with dealing with her little monkey, as an audience only makes them act up even more.
Bribery is your friend at this age, or distraction oh lets go see the ducks, Nana, get sweeties, but don't expect a child who is having fun to be reasonable about leaving the place. Oh and when all fails, smile sweetly at a staff member and point out your little monkey and say could you go get him please.
They will and quite often do and that solves many issues too lol

Hugs and love you, your doing great xx

Children who know they are loved, will answer you back and that age .
They are just trying out the power of saying ...no.

Have you read the thread about toddlers being the devil? It'll make you feel better. They're all like this at that age believe me.

My 1 year old screams all the time, barely eats and can’t be left with anyone
I can’t even turn my back in the same room as he climbs and falls etc
Some days I just want to run away
It’s normal

Sounds like a successful day with a 3 year old to be honest OP, they can be...testing. But that's not a reflection of your parenting, or them behaving badly, it's an important part of their development; albeit frustrating. Please be kind to yourself, it's tiring enough let alone being heavily pregnant. Can you find the details of the group online or on Facebook or something? Did the lady mention where they meet or something so you can find out more?

Totally normal OP, I promise. You've had lots of good tips here so I won't duplicate.
We've all lost our shit. I have an older DD (nearly 5) and a 3mo and it is tough. Luckily my DD is older so can communicate and understand more, plus she's at school every day!
Whenever I lose my temper I apologise and encourage her to apologise for whatever set me off in the first place.

It does get better.
Feel better soon

thats not bad parenting. Thats having a 3 year old that doesnt want to stop playing. Honestly, most of them can be nightmares. Dont overthink these things.

You do not have to be the best mother in the world. You just have to be good enough, and you are. Your child loves you, you love him, youre doing fine

I had to run across a car park after DS today when he ran off, while I was carrying all the shopping. I didn’t just shout, I screamed... then scolded him terribly when I caught the little bugger. I thought he was going to end up flattened

We all have those days op, and I’m not even pregnant. He’s just been pushing all my buttons today!

@Autumntoowet, we have all had those days - they don’t kick in until the kids hit three or four! My son has just turned four and we are suddenly having tantrums and screaming when previously he was biddable, and very reasonable!

I had a very similar soft play experience when DC1 was three and I was heavily pregnant. We were at soft play with my mother, and I checked on DC1 before turning back to my conversation. The next thing I knew, DC1 was being escorted out of soft play with a massive nose bleed, and I looked like the worst mum ever (she had been kicked in the face by accident) To cap it off, I developed a nose bleed from the stress and shame .

It’s ok to be kind to yourself. Three year olds are tough; being pregnant is tough. You will figure it out 🙂.

Are you even a mum if you haven’t carried a screaming child out of a soft play????

Your not a bad mum, you just have a strong minded toddler.
It's gets easier, stick in there

OP I noticed you said that you were brought up like that, presumably meaning being shouted at. Depending on how regular and serious the shouting was and how you feel about that now, you might benefit from seeing a counsellor to work through any issues which could be affecting your relationship with your children, or indeed your own self confidence (these two things are pretty linked anyway.) take care.

When my daughter was 3 I had to carry her screaming out of the soft play, pushing her 1 year old brother in the pushchair with coats and bags everywhere. I cried in the carpark, she cried in the carpark. Her brother thought it was hilarious.