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Original poster

Who is being unreasonable - MIL at Christmas

187 replies

beth1991 · 05/11/2019 05:52

Hi all
To cut a long story short my MIL is a maternal narcissist (just to put some context around my feelings about her!) my husband also isn't her biggest fan and has purposely rota'd himself on to work some days over Christmas to have an excuse not to see her 🙈

We live about 1hr 15 away from her and have a little girl who has just turned 2. Last year we hosted Christmas, she came down for the day with other family and some of my family also came for dinner. This year we just want to spend it at home just us 3, no exceptions.

She has insisted that she see us on the 27th December and gives our daughter her presents then. I am not ungrateful at all for anything our daughter receives but this has really annoyed me as it's from her completely selfish point of view that she wants to see her open them not that it may confuse our daughters concept of Christmas. I do understand that she's want to see her open them but with my daughter maybe not fully understanding Christmas but starting to, that way she's not going to think nannas presents were delivered by Santa.

Birthdays are obviously different, I have told my husband that it's not going to happen which he agrees. Opinions on do you think we're being unreasonable especially because of my opinion of her. Or do you think I'm being a complete cow and we should allow this for one more year? X

OP posts:
HubeusRagrid · 05/11/2019 07:44

YABU 'santa' only delivers presents from him. You're always going to get presents after Christmas (especially if you don't see people on Christmas Day) so it's silly to try and get them all before and say Santa delivered them.
MIL is not being unreasonable for wanting to see her grandchild over Xmas period. She's not pressuring Xmas day or even boxing day. You really don't have a problem here.

Thescrewinthetuna · 05/11/2019 07:44

We have family we can’t always see at Christmas, if we see them the week after Christmas they give the children their presents then (sometimes even in January) and always have done. It hasn’t confused my children at all, they’re children they aren’t stupid. They understand if we haven’t seen a certain relative on Christmas Day they’ll have to wait for their gift and get it when we see them. You’re being pretty mean OP.

Thescrewinthetuna · 05/11/2019 07:46

Just to add - they also understand Santa gets them all the presents with a ‘to X love from Santa’ sticker on but it’s nice to treat family so they’ll buy little gifts for others and know which presents are from family. So the Santa thing hasn’t been confused for them either (they’re 4 and 5)

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allthegoodusernameshavegone · 05/11/2019 07:47

Giving your DD valuable time with an older relative & sharing a moment of giving is far more magical than her just opening gifts at random because you too have been sucked in by the commercial madness of consumerism. Enjoy these lovely early years where your DD has no concept of greed.

thethoughtfox · 05/11/2019 07:47

Sorry, OP. YABU. It is selfish to deny a present giver the opportunity to give see their present being opened and for the receiver to know who chose it, bought it, wrapped it and brought it over.

notapizzaeater · 05/11/2019 07:50

Don't think OP is coming back, not one person agrees with you !

Santa doesn't 'do the gifts' - we had to change how we did ours when my DS (then 5) came out of school saying Kori was getting an Xbox, a PlayStation and a switch for Xmas because he'd asked Santa for them so it was going to happen! We went with the mums and dads etc buy the presents and send them to Santa to distribute

MrsXx4 · 05/11/2019 07:51

You’re doing Christmas wrong hun. HTH.

Littledidsheknow · 05/11/2019 07:52

Your poor MIL: not allowed to see her DGC on the 27th and give her presents because of some weird notion you want to instil in your child about “Santa”. Santa and Christmas are meant to be good things, nice things; a family time to bring people together.

Instead, you want to use them as a weapon against your MIL.

YABU.

Strangerthingshere · 05/11/2019 07:53

I agree YABU. You sound really precious, and completely and utterly ridiculous. I'm going to hope that it is your dislike of her making you think like this

lilypoppet · 05/11/2019 07:54

I must admit l would.be upset if l couldn't see my grandchild on Boxing day at least. Is it really that difficult?

verticality · 05/11/2019 07:54

YABU. It does not 'confuse Christmas' for children to open presents on different days. It just extends the season. It's not unreasonable of your MIL to want to see her grandchild open her presents - it's a small ask and it costs you nothing to give a little on this, particularly as you're not seeing her on the day itself. You're being really selfish.

73Sunglasslover · 05/11/2019 07:55

I'd tell your DD that Santa dropped the presents at Nana's so she'd have something to open another day. Children will believe anything as evidenced by the whole Santa thing! I don;t think it's a big deal and your DD will be more interested in the present than analyzing the logic.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 05/11/2019 07:56

Seriously I don;t believe this post....Your MIL is buying her granddaughter a present and all she has asked is that she sees the excitement and joy on her little face when she opens it and you find that request objectionable? FFS ...Santa often leaves presents at relatives homes as he stops for a rest and a mince pie but even so you are being rude,offensive and unreasonable. We drive from yorkshire to the midlands for my daughter to see her grandparents who want to give her her xmas gifts try that for unreasonable but its what you do for family.

UhareFouxisci · 05/11/2019 07:58

Your child is 2 and does not have the brain to comprehend a single thing about Christmas. You do not have to tell her that grandma's gifts are delivered by Santa. If you did she wouldn't have the logical reasoning to figure out the flaw in the story. Chill. There are way bigger MiL issues than this.

Catsandchardonnay · 05/11/2019 07:58

with my daughter maybe not fully understanding Christmas but starting to What, do you mean, not fully understanding the big fat lie we tell our kids? DD was so savvy she sussed out the inconsistencies in the story when she was about 6. Can’t say I wasn’t relieved, every time I talked about Santa I cringed with the unbelievable lies I was spouting.

There may or may not be a narcissist in this story OP, but it isn’t your MIL. Poor woman is just trying to do something nice for her DGD. If you want MIL’s presents for Christmas Day, invite her for Christmas.

stucknoue · 05/11/2019 07:59

Mil presents come from her not Santa, she gives them on the 27th there is no problem. You seem to be making an issue out of something where there isn't one! Santa brings only modest stockings ... saves loads of hassle trust me

RedskyToNight · 05/11/2019 08:00

Yes, agree with everyone else. GPs like watching their DGC open presents - that's not narcisstic or particularly demanding or unreasonable.

MiL has suggested the 27th - if that's not convenient for you, by all means pick another day, but she's respected your with to have a small immediate family Christmas only.

Not-quite-2 year olds are likely to be massively overwhelmed by lots of presents anyway - much better that they are spread out over a longer period.

BeyondMyWits · 05/11/2019 08:00

Christmas is about sharing the joy.

just a reminder.

DowntownAbby · 05/11/2019 08:00

Or do you think I'm being a complete cow...

Well, you did ask...

Tableclothing · 05/11/2019 08:02

it's from her completely selfish point of view that she wants to see her open them not that it may confuse our daughters concept of Christmas.

I'm sure your MIL is a raging cunt but this is ridiculous.

If you think it's selfish to want to see a granddaughter open her Christmas presents then you really are one hard-to-please DIL.

The confuse our daughters concept of Christmas is just utter bollocks. What can possibly be confusing about Granny giving her a present?

Adogwithabone · 05/11/2019 08:03

Will a 2 year old even understand the concept of Xmas?

Letsgowalking · 05/11/2019 08:04

This is so unkind it really it is quite sad that people think like this. No matter how much hard work she might be, she has bought your daughter a gift and you want to deny her the right of giving it to her personally? The true meaning of Christmas has totally passed you by hasn’t it...

scubadive · 05/11/2019 08:04

YABU

Let her come 27th and you get Xmas as you wanted. Your DDIS 2 and won’t pay any attention to the timing of present. Nice to get presents spread out.

I hate this delivery nonsense business. Many children get presents from Santa on Xmas day, not delivered by him but from him, that’s part of the magic.

Relatives/friends can then have the joy of watching their presents being given and opened. I hate it when people selfishly deny others this joy having spent their own money and time choosing a gift all for this delivery nonsense. Why do you want ‘everything’ all on the same day.

If you do then you should accept the buyers presence on Xmas day too. You want their gift but not them? Nice!

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 05/11/2019 08:05

In my sons words, that’s messed up!

Can’t believe you’d begrudge an old lady that pleasure🤷‍♀️ Santa in our house only brings a few things-everything else is under the tree or handed over by the gifter for appropriate thank you’d.

BlouseAndSkirt · 05/11/2019 08:05

Your Dds ‘concept of Christmas’ will not be confused.

With an ideal solution in front of you, Christmas in your own and a one day visit from MIL on the 27th, you are getting worked up about the exact way presents are fictionally delivered?

Your child will grow up stuck between a Narc grandmother and a control freak mother.

It is perfectly reasonable for a grandmother to want to give the presents herself.

Plus 2 year olds get overwhelmed by too much stuff on one day. Better to save MILs gifts for a couple of days later.

With a Narc MIL you need to pick your battles and boundaries. Trying to dictate to her when she gives her gifts is not one of them.

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