Who is being unreasonable - MIL at Christmas

[beth1991]

Hi all
To cut a long story short my MIL is a maternal narcissist (just to put some context around my feelings about her!) my husband also isn't her biggest fan and has purposely rota'd himself on to work some days over Christmas to have an excuse not to see her 🙈

We live about 1hr 15 away from her and have a little girl who has just turned 2. Last year we hosted Christmas, she came down for the day with other family and some of my family also came for dinner. This year we just want to spend it at home just us 3, no exceptions.

She has insisted that she see us on the 27th December and gives our daughter her presents then. I am not ungrateful at all for anything our daughter receives but this has really annoyed me as it's from her completely selfish point of view that she wants to see her open them not that it may confuse our daughters concept of Christmas. I do understand that she's want to see her open them but with my daughter maybe not fully understanding Christmas but starting to, that way she's not going to think nannas presents were delivered by Santa.

Birthdays are obviously different, I have told my husband that it's not going to happen which he agrees. Opinions on do you think we're being unreasonable especially because of my opinion of her. Or do you think I'm being a complete cow and we should allow this for one more year? X

YABU, very much so, in fact! It makes perfect sense for your MIL to give presents on the 27th, and it actually spreads the present opening out which is a good thing. You’re getting what you want with your family day on the 25th, you don’t get to interfere in your DD’s relationship with her grandparents in this way and you’re just going to create resentment and bad feeling in your own relationships. I say this has someone who has a somewhat turbulent relationship with my own in laws at times but I work on that relationship because it’s good for my kids.

Reading these comments, our house is clearly different to everyone else haha! In our house all the presents come from Santa, including those from grandparents. We have 10 yr old autistic twins and this kind of black and white simplistic approach works really well for us.

OP, I think the thing is you're trying to make everything perfect for your DD but honestly it will be OK. What we do is say that Santa dropped off some presents at my mum's house. That explanation has always made sense to my two and they accept it totally. It keeps the mystique of Santa but brings grandparents into the equation.

Also, I know my children are different due to their additional needs but having everything at once can be very overwhelming. Some presents a couple of days later might be really nice actually. We have a tradition now where on Boxing Day a "Boxing Day box" arrives (also from Santa haha) - it's a postbox thing filled with smaller presents, all individually wrapped. It takes them ages to go through it and open each one and it's an excellent strategy for overstimulated kids. It comes out of our Christmas Day budget so isn't actually extra but we hit upon it as a way of stretching things out and preventing Christmas Day becoming too overwhelming. Like I say, Christmas in our house is clearly different from elsewhere haha!

I know you've clearly got issues with your MIL, but if she's a decent enough grandparent and you want her involved to some degree, sometimes you just need to bite your tongue. I've been there so I do understand, but just try and focus on what really matters which is making it a fun time for your DD.

I can’t stand my MIL but even I would struggle to get worked up over this.

Just be grateful you don’t have to spend Christmas Day with her.

Soo. You are getting Christmas, just the three of you. Your MIL is coming on 27th. Be glad, be kind.

I think this way of doing Santa is ridiculous. Santa brings some small presents, don’t get stuck into the whole idea of Santa bringing everyone’s stuff or large “wish list” presents otherwise you’re just creating issues for yourself long term. Mil can give her own presents, from her. What’s the problem with that?! It’s all crazy.

Father Christmas gave the gifts in their pillow case ..
Other gifts were under the tree me and husband and anyone that had kindly given ....
Family we were seeing gave gifts..and we thanked THEM for them ...my little ones often had a gap of a week before seeing some family....that was fine...it spread the joy !!!

OP, I don't really like my MIL either and even I think you're being unreasonable. If you're really concerned about your dd's perception of Christmas, say Santa has delivered presents to nana's house. I think she's been really reasonable stating the 27th and not boxing day xx

You haven't given many examples of why you consider your MiL a narcissist but the examples you do give sound a bit unfair to MiL. When my dd was little she liked getting a present after Christmas if we were visiting a relative as it made the Christmas fun last a bit longer. I remember when dd was 2 she only wanted to open about 5 presents on Christmas morning before she got bored of it and wanted to play so there was no need for a big pile of gifts.

Everyone does Christmas differently but if you really want your daughter to think all her gifts come from Santa why not say that Santa left them at mil. I really think you are over thinking this.

Yabu and unkind she's a grandma who wants to see her gc open her Christmas present on the sat after Boxing Day. She's agreed to not come near you on Christmas eve Christmas day and Boxing day can't you manage any sort of compromise?

Yabu.

YABU

Agree with PPs. You need to sort out how you run Christmas. Santa only delivers a few presents off the Xmas list. Otherwise other people might deliver presents at times before and after Christmas. That’s normal.

Sorry, YABU. As pp have said not all gifts come from Santa (only stocking in our house). Let the joy of gift opening be spread out for your daughter and her grandma enjoy seeing her face.

You sound totally unreasonable and very unkind, of course Santa doesn’t bring all the presents (in house it was just the small, stocking gifts). Children need to understand that they are given gifts by generous relatives and friends and of course the ‘giver’ likes the pleasure of seeing the child unwrap the gift,
And the child needs to learn to thank the giver properly.

This way is a good way to spread the gifts out, many children can be overwhelmed with presents on one day, and surely you plan to spend at least some time over the festive season with MIL?

Your MIl is respecting your wish to spend Christmas Day as you want (is she on her own? What are her plans?) The least you could do is host an informal get together, or go to her, on another day.

YABU. By the way, Christmas is a time to be kind and spread love!

To use your own words, yes you're being a cow. I think it's very mean of you to say MIL can't see her GD open her gifts on the 27th.

Well IMO all the presents from Or delivered by Santa is batshit.

In this house Santa delivers a sack of presents & any other presents have been given & placed under the tree.

I wonder if your mil being generally difficult is clouding your view a bit as I’d be sad not to see the children in my family open the gifts I chose as I think it’s very special to see their faces.
Although for my kids Father Christmas doesn’t deliver the presents form family only the ones from himself which we’ve found easier over time with lots of presents arriving at different times from people

I wish you’d opted for the vote OP, I think you’d be on 100% YABU.
You are being ridiculous and mean.

Your MIL is totally reasonable to want to see your dc open her Christmas present

"She's just turned 2". On other threads here, that's still a baby! Anyway, I'm sure you want your own traditions but here is one which if you start now (whilst she is too young to remember anything) you will regret in the future. Much better to have a drawn-out present giving / receiving week - by the way, when were you planning on giving MIL her present?! As a child growing up I always liked seeing the person who was giving the present as I could thank them there and then and they'd see how delighted I was (sometimes I had to act....). Anyway, let your MIL give the present to her DGD. And don't make a rod for your own back with the "Santa gives everything" line, which as another PP says is a nightmare when something wished for is either too bloody expensive, or has sold out.

YABU

Yes, YABU. Your MIL isn't coming on Christmas Day and just wants to see her granddaughter open her present, that's not an unreasonable request.

Sorry but I think she right on this one.