Who is being unreasonable - MIL at Christmas

[beth1991]

Hi all
To cut a long story short my MIL is a maternal narcissist (just to put some context around my feelings about her!) my husband also isn't her biggest fan and has purposely rota'd himself on to work some days over Christmas to have an excuse not to see her 🙈

We live about 1hr 15 away from her and have a little girl who has just turned 2. Last year we hosted Christmas, she came down for the day with other family and some of my family also came for dinner. This year we just want to spend it at home just us 3, no exceptions.

She has insisted that she see us on the 27th December and gives our daughter her presents then. I am not ungrateful at all for anything our daughter receives but this has really annoyed me as it's from her completely selfish point of view that she wants to see her open them not that it may confuse our daughters concept of Christmas. I do understand that she's want to see her open them but with my daughter maybe not fully understanding Christmas but starting to, that way she's not going to think nannas presents were delivered by Santa.

Birthdays are obviously different, I have told my husband that it's not going to happen which he agrees. Opinions on do you think we're being unreasonable especially because of my opinion of her. Or do you think I'm being a complete cow and we should allow this for one more year? X

[HopeMumsnet]

Hi all,
The OP has deregged so we've decided that rather than waste everyone's time we will close this thread to further posts. [santa]

[ncfortuesday]

Oh give over!
You sound like a nightmare daughter in law and your DH sounds like a horrible son.

You are lucky she's bothering with your kid if this is the way you treat her! Coming all that way as well. It's not 'selfish' that she wants to see her open the gift, it's part of the joy of Xmas.

You're a nasty piece of work by the sounds of your OP, have a think about that.

[theemmadilemma]

YABU. So if you have to say Santa left some presents at Nan's.

If children don't question an old guy in a red suit climbing in houses I'm sure 'he stopped at Nan's house with some of your presents' will work just fine.

[Ellie56]

You are both totally batshit, very unreasonable and unkind. Not much Christmas spirit in your house is there? Your poor MIL.

[MyGoodTimes]

YABU. Your MIL is not the problem here. Unsurprisingly, you are completely missing the real meaning of Christmas.

[WeBuiltCisCityOnSexistRoles]

Come on @beth1991 - please come back. You have three options here I think:

1. Say that you knew MN was a nest of vipers and flounce as everyone is mean and unkind and doesn't understand what MIL is like

1. Give us a massive drip feed like last Christmas she kidnapped DD on Boxing Day and told her Father Christmas wasn't real

1. Take it on the chin that YABU and change your mindset.

Please come back and do No. 3!

[Limpshade]

Still inwardly chuckling at the idea of ruining a 2 year old's "concept of Christmas"

[Her0utdoors]

Pick your battles. This sounds pretty OK in isolation but I'm sure there is a long list of times when the mil has pushed your boundaries so I don't think YABU, you know the woman and the effect she has on your family unit.

[siacolouredthesmallone]

Actually OP I think you have a very good point....

Nope - that's a complete Christmas fairy story; of COURSE I bloody don't!!! No one does! I cannot believe both you and your DH could possibly think this is anything other than horribly entitled, utterly mean-spirited, and totally batshit! I can't think of a better post for that oft-overused Mumsnet phrase "Are you on glue??"....

And totally agree with the PPs who called you out for the bollocks armchair mental-health diagnosis too. If your experience of her "narcissism" is limited to her not acceding to your ridiculous demands then she sounds like the only sane one out of the three of you. Sort yourself out!!!

[crustycrab]

In case the couple of hundred or so before me haven't got through to you, YABVVVVVVU. And ridiculous and PFB and downright nasty.

[CottonHeadedNinyMuggins]

Santa never bought us presents as kids, I thjnk he just "delivered" them. My dad was made redundant when I was 6m old so he definitely wasn't going to let someone else get credit.

If it becomes a thing tell her santa accidentally got confused and left them for her at granny's with the presents he had for granny because he was so busy

[Idolovetobebesidethesea]

YABU.
In our house Santa only brought stockings, no other presents. It was so much easier that way.
There was one mum at primary school who insisted all Christmas presents be given to her secretly before Christmas so that Santa could deliver them all. Her parents and in-laws really struggled with it and the rest of us just thought she was ridiculous.

[AliasGrape]

Father Christmas was some kind of general gift delivery service in my house growing up too - it was all a bit hazy but the presents were from parents/other relatives but delivered by FC (who was never called Santa!). It didn’t really make much sense but I didn’t question it too much, certainly not at just turned 2! But really - it’s nonsense and surely far better if he just brings a stocking from him, or maybe the main presents that mum and dad have ‘ordered’ from him, but all other family gifts are separate from the Santa thing.

We got presents from other relatives at other times/locations too and it never upset our concept of Christmas.

I want my little nieces and nephews to know their presents from me are from me because they’ve been chosen with love and care. Sometimes if I’m not going to be seeing them on the day I’ll drop them in advance and often their parents will FaceTime me so I can see them open them, which is sweet of them as I know it’s a hectic morning. Last year I saw my nieces (3 and 2 at the time) on Christmas Eve and was going to discretely pass their gifts to their mum but she said no you give them to them now then they know they’re from you and you get to see them open them. It meant we had a few lovely hours playing together and they got to appreciate their gifts for a while rather than them being lost in the Christmas morning piles.

You can always say ‘look Father Christmas knew you’d be visiting your gran so left a present for you here too’.

To be honest I think it’s nicer for a child to learn that friends and family members exchange presents out of love and generosity at this special time, rather than the guy with the beard just drops off a load of presents and nobody else was involved.

[Namechangeforthiscancershit]

I'm confused by your system and I'm a hole lot older than your two year old.

You wanted Christmas alone. MIL has respected that and wants to see you on the 27th with presents. What is the issue?

[sniffingthewax]

OP your daughter is 2. She doesn't have 'a concept of christmas' yet, so no need to fret about her being confused.

[HoppingPavlova]

Another thinking the odd one is not MIL.

I have never heard of Santa having to round up the gifts from all the relo’s to then haul them over to your house. How do you even explain that logistically to a child?

We can all say, there is no right and wrong but what you have explained is completely batshit.

Santa brings a gift(s) from Santa. Everyone else gives their gift to the other person. They do this in person if possible. I think your MIL suggesting 2 days later in order to leave you enjoy Xmas by yourselves at your request is more than reasonable. Heads up, she will also be thinking you are are completely batshit with control issues.

[RockinHippy]

YABVVU

Your MILs gifts should never be from Santa, but from MIL

[MarieIVanArkleStinks]

In my house Santa only delivered the presents, and some didn't come from him at all but arrived c/o other people. All presents still came from whoever they came from. She's only 2; whatever you tell her will be plausible. On that point, yes, I do think YABU. But YANBU to want to have the key days just for the three of you. The 27th sounds like a fair compromise.

Some of the responses, though, have also been unreasonable. It sounds a very difficult relationship if even your DH is unenamoured enough to make alternative plans in order actively to avoid seeing her. I have every sympathy as to what this is like. I privately call my MiL the Grinch, as it's been hers and my SiL's modus operandi for years to use Christmas as an excuse to exert the various modes of mean, passive aggressive behaviour (largely directed toward me) they care to dream up. They've spoiled many Christmases over the 15 or so years I've been with DH in this way, and we're both now exhausted our patience and are disinclined to engage further. We'll certainly not be making the 4-hour journey to their place over these Christmas holidays. If MiL wants to see DC, she can come to us.

My own DM is dead, so the joy on our DC's face at Christmas really makes up for a lot. These days I'm a regular Ebeneezer and really don't enjoy the season of goodwill much at all. Give me Easter any time!

[Barbarara]

If your child is ever going to watch any Christmas Specials or films they will be confused. A stocking on the bed (to buy a few more minutes of precious sleep) and a gift under the tree is a robust formula.

Giving all the gifts from Santa opens you up to a lot of hassle and potential problems. What if someone is running late? What if someone expects to be thanked? What if someone’s circumstances change and they can’t afford to send gifts? Having to depend on other people isn’t a strong position to be in. It’s a very precarious basis for magic. And even more so when some of the people involved don’t get on well with you.

[DappledThings]

Should you allow for for one more year you ask? You should allow it for every year. Completely unreasonable to pretend that anyone's presents get sent to Santa for him to bring over. Santa brings his presents, everyone else brings their own.

Santa isn't parcel force Exactly!

[Autumnfields]

YABU

Honestly I have horrible in laws but this example isn’t even close to your mil doing anything wrong. Your DD won’t care and of course why shouldn’t she want to see her open her presents.

[PristineCondition]

The kid is 2? She has no concept of christmas and santa at all.
Let her gran give her her gifts

[BeanBag7]

My BIL and SIL did this for their kids when they were younger. It involved BIL driving around the county on Christmas Eve to get the presents from everyone so they could be put under the tree from Santa. Luckily we didn't have relatives further away than about 30 mins, or I dont know how that would have worked.

We never got to see the kids open the presents we bought them. We never got a thank you - the presents were from Santa so why would they thank us? Even if the parents did tell them "this is from auntie delivered by santa" they couldnt remember which present was from whom by the time we saw them days later

[lowlandLucky]

I feel for your MIL, imagine having a self centered batshit DIL

[StroppyWoman]

YABU and also petty and cruel. Your poor MIL.