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Original poster

Were we too harsh?

124 replies

nervousmummy · 15/08/2007 11:40

I would really appreciate some opinions on this, I am a bit worried that we have been too harsh with my DD.

The scenario:

Yesterday we had some friends round for a playdate. The kids were all playing upstairs, 2 5 yo and 2 nearly 4yo. We heard a loud bang, so shot upstairs, the towel rail had been torn off the wall in the bathroom.

I was livid, the kids all blamed the nearly 4yo boy, and said that the rest of them were in the bedroom. This was obviously not true, they had all been in the bathroom.

When DP came home and the playdate had left, we questioned both DDs again. They both stuck to their stories.

When we asked thenm again this morning, DD1 confessed that they had all been messing about in the bathroom, and that both the boy and DD2 had swung on the rail and broke it. When we asked DD2 again, she continued to lie.

So as DD1 finally told the truth, she got privileges revoked for a week (no TV, sweets etc but is allowed biscuits as a treat) but as DD2 had continued to lie, she has been put in her room for the day, and has her privileges revoked for a week as well.

Is this too harsh?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

fruitymum · 15/08/2007 13:35

Too harsh.
Perhaps they were afraid of what the consequences would be if they did own up??
Its only a towel rail and no-one was hurt. They are both too young to be reprimanded in such a manner - have a heart - did you not break anything as a kid??

Easywriter · 15/08/2007 13:37

All the talking options are good ones because you are trying to get your daughter to talk and communicate the truth to you.

Never be afraid to back down or say sorry. I really think setting yourself up as someone who never gets it wrong is a huge burden for anyone to carry and that you will definately fail to be perfect. (Look out for hell when DC's spot that you're notperfect!)

Isn't it more important to keep channels of communication open. I tend to punish with like for like (obviously if I have time to think, but that's why I always allow myself the luxury of both hindsight and apology!). Consequently, if I wanted her to talk to me putting her in room where she was unable to do precisely that strikes me as ilogical.

Please Nervousmummy, if you haven't let her out please do so, she'll have been there for hours by now.

Sit her down and tell her about how her BEHAVIOUR made you feel. Tell her what you expect of her next time. Tell her you were angry and might have made different decisions if you'd hadn't been so angry.
Change the punishment if you need to,(tell her why though)just explain it all. It's so easy to forget that children don't think like adults do, Things just don't ocur to them.

I like other posters feel that you need to take charge of this one. In our house DP and I parent together but I am at home with the children all day and I meter out the discipline mostly. I just make sure that I can justify my actions to myself, DP and my children.

By the way, I don't think you're cruel or whatever you may think everyones responses are labelling you as. I think you're a mummy. Being a mummy means allowing your kids to teach you stuff too about behaving appropriately. (I have had many, many lessons and no doubt will have many, many more)

Sonnet · 15/08/2007 13:41

I havn't read all the thread so it may have been resolved now. I am told that I am a "strict" parent but I think you have been too harsh.

on playdates the usual house rules can go out of the window and your children can do things that they would never normally do.

Hope you resolve it with DP

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting

Dropdeadfred · 15/08/2007 13:46

Is she out yet?

docket · 15/08/2007 13:49

Way too harsh IMO. I really think you need to let her out. This isn't appropriate discipline for a 4yo.

PellMell · 15/08/2007 14:05

easywriters post is brilliant.

During my eighteen years as a parent it has never been so apparent as now how scared others are of their role.
Parents of pre-teens are very confused by the critisms thrown at the last generation of teenagers and their role in the perceived breakdown in society.
Maybe the root of being somewhat harsh with young children is exactly that.
Some say that this generation have had no discipline and have been allowed to run riot and have no respect for authority.
Its not a suprise that people might over react whilst trying their hardest to bring up a "nice" child.

hope it all gets sorted .

popsycal · 15/08/2007 14:14

Recommend the book I mentioned on a thread I linked to below.

LittleBella · 15/08/2007 14:19

I think that's very true pellmell

wasit how to talk so kids will listen etc.popsy?

(I tried to read it but just couldn't. Should I try again?)

Sixer · 15/08/2007 14:24

NM i hope you are ok and not beating yourself up too much over this. i also hope your DD is out of her room now and you are all doing something fun. I do very much agree with others that during the day it is you that makes the decisions within the home. After all isn't that why your husband is working and you are at home?

MrsScavo · 15/08/2007 14:35

Just wanted to say, nervous mummy, if your DD has stayed in her room this long, she's a very well behaved child indeed. - All 3 off mine would have smeaked out by now!

popsycal · 15/08/2007 14:40

littlebella - yes it is.
FWIW - I am only skim reading it - finding it helpful - you have to just go with the bits that make you feel like a tit. I would rather fele like a tit than the screaming banshee I felt like yesterday

sorry for hijack

madamez · 15/08/2007 15:09

You know 'punishment' in general is something that should be avoiced whenever possible (for which I mean delibeartely setting out to make someone suffer). If a kid does something stupid or wrong then they should be offered the chance to apologise and put it right, or if they are being really vile on an outoing or playdate it would be ok to take them home, but punishment on the whole is more about vengeance than about altering behaviour.

popsycal · 15/08/2007 15:30

The book I mentioned has a really good chapter on alternatives to punishment,,,

EscapeFrom · 15/08/2007 15:31

YOu have let her out, right?

Tortington · 15/08/2007 15:36

i think you have to accept some of the blame yourself. 3x under 5's alone upstairs is a recipe for disaster.

i thinky ou have been flogged enough on this thread.

i DON'T think your punishment was of the barbaric OH MY GOD proportions certain people are announcing ont his thread.

do think that its a bit odd you can't make decisions on your own.

after all you are a adult

FioFio · 15/08/2007 15:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

HonoriaGlossop · 15/08/2007 15:56

very good point custardo. Too young to be without supervision for any length of time at all really.

Dropdeadfred · 15/08/2007 16:05

did dp agree to let her out?

MrsScavo · 15/08/2007 22:12

Did you feed her?

I don't let my children eat in their rooms.

summerunderakaftan · 16/08/2007 08:35

ASide the fact that I think all day in her room was a bit drastic I think weeks worth of lost privileges is as drastic.

By today children of that age although they are more than able to remember the incident ar far too young to relate it to what happened yesterday. Punishments need to be on the spot dealt with and out the way and you and the children moving on. I feel that by dragging it out for a week is in a way holding a grudge for the incident and dragging it out is totally unneccesary. It is alost a way of making the children still feel bad today and tomorrow etc. when you should be getting on as normal with them.

I think sometimes we as parents I know I do sometimes get frustrated when we expect too much of our children and forget that they don't think like adults.

harpsichordcarrier · 16/08/2007 08:37

god what a horrible thread.

FioFio · 16/08/2007 08:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

harpsichordcarrier · 16/08/2007 08:40

actually your post was the lightest point fio

nangnangnang · 16/08/2007 10:05

Hi NM - are you OK? It sounds like your own stress has contributed to your reactions and to your subsequent discomfort with it. Is there anything you can do to get some respite, which might help you to react to future incidents in a way that doesn't leave you feeling bad? Go easy on yourself and you'll go easier on the children.

Also, it occured to me that if you come to agreements about how to discipline with your DH it helps also to agree a measure of flexibility. If you're on the scene all day but he isn't, you have a better idea of whether the discipline is proportionate/effective and should be able to adapt rather than feel you have to stick to the letter of your agreement with your DH.

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