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Parenting

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Original poster

Were we too harsh?

124 replies

nervousmummy · 15/08/2007 11:40

I would really appreciate some opinions on this, I am a bit worried that we have been too harsh with my DD.

The scenario:

Yesterday we had some friends round for a playdate. The kids were all playing upstairs, 2 5 yo and 2 nearly 4yo. We heard a loud bang, so shot upstairs, the towel rail had been torn off the wall in the bathroom.

I was livid, the kids all blamed the nearly 4yo boy, and said that the rest of them were in the bedroom. This was obviously not true, they had all been in the bathroom.

When DP came home and the playdate had left, we questioned both DDs again. They both stuck to their stories.

When we asked thenm again this morning, DD1 confessed that they had all been messing about in the bathroom, and that both the boy and DD2 had swung on the rail and broke it. When we asked DD2 again, she continued to lie.

So as DD1 finally told the truth, she got privileges revoked for a week (no TV, sweets etc but is allowed biscuits as a treat) but as DD2 had continued to lie, she has been put in her room for the day, and has her privileges revoked for a week as well.

Is this too harsh?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

popsycal · 15/08/2007 11:54

HOw will you discipline when they REALLY do something totally and utterly dreadful?

IdrisTheDragon · 15/08/2007 11:54

I can't imagine putting DS (4 in November) into his room for the whole day. I'm not sure really what it would achieve. Also not sure he gets the concept of lying anyway.

I'd say that as you were pretty sure they were all in the bathroom anyway, you knew they were both lying. I shoudl also think that both DDs got very worried as the whole situation escalated.

I'd say not making DD2 stay in her room all day.

themildmanneredjanitor · 15/08/2007 11:54

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beansprout · 15/08/2007 11:54

And can you see or hear her or is the door shut? Is she ok?

MyTwopenceworth · 15/08/2007 11:55

Bedroom all day for what was an accident is far too harsh.

I personally don't think anyone should punish a child for an accident.

I would punish for lying, but not a full day in the bedroom at 4 years old.

I am normally the very last person to EVER advise going back on a punishment, but in this case, I would really advise you to go into the child and sit down and say that you were very angry that she didn't tell you the truth, you were upset that she didn't feel able to tell you the truth, that she should always tell you the truth, no matter what. Also that nobody gets into trouble for an accident, but they do for lying.

Then I would say sorry, give her a big hug and take her downstairs.

WanderingTrolley · 15/08/2007 11:56

Too harsh.

I would take them on a trip to B&Q to get a new towel rail and tell them we would have gone to the playground instead. If that didn't do the trick, I would make a point of saying alas, we can't get an ice cream today because we need the money to buy a new towel rail.

Punishments should be relevant, in order to make them effective.

GooseyLoosey · 15/08/2007 11:56

What are you going to do nervousmummy?

Discipline can be really hard can't it!

Gizmo · 15/08/2007 11:58

What MTPW said

Although it's backing down, I should think DD2 will certainly have got the message by now. Continuing to 'follow through' on this one will probably trigger more bad behaviour if she reacts to the unfairness of her situation.

FoghornLeghorn · 15/08/2007 11:58

Totally agree with MTPW

WanderingTrolley · 15/08/2007 11:59

Actually, scratch that - the towel rail thing was an accident (general point about relevance and effectiveness still stands.)

I would lie if I thought I might end up in my room all day or have treats banned by telling the truth.

Let her out before she breaks something else!

TinyGang · 15/08/2007 12:03

I would be annoyed about the towel rail but not livid. These things happen especially when children get together.

Personally I din't like too many upstairs when friends come round. The toys are mainly downstairs and I like to contain the chaos

I would be more cross about not telling the truth but sorry, agree with others that the whole day in her room seems a bit too harsh.

It's easy to think along these lines though after the event. Don't be too harsh on yourself either. No-one gets this parenting lark right all the time and I have often thought afterwards that I wished I'd handled things differently. I'd just give them a cuddle and draw a line under the whole thing.

totaleclipse · 15/08/2007 12:04

Are you ok nervousmummy, you have had a bit of a backlash, its only because people want to get the message across clearly, have you let dd out yet?

snowleopard · 15/08/2007 12:05

Children that young can't control things that badly-behaved other kids do. I remember hating this as a child so much - some other child coming round, trashing the house and us getting blamed. Even if your DD joined in, I bet she was under this boy's influence and wouldn't have done it normally. As for the 3-yo - how can she be to blame? She's 3!!! Would you expect her to stop it happening? And lying about it seems reasonable if you are that strict.

And a 3-yo won't fully be able to make the connection with what she did. A far, far more constructive consequence would be that they go with you to get a replacement rail (perhaps instead of a more enjoyable activity), help you to put it up and you show them how it is fixed on and why it must not be swung on.

On top of that, shutting a child in their room is not a great idea for a punishment as it teaches them to associate their room with misery and punishment - which can lead to sleeping problems etc.

MrsScavo · 15/08/2007 12:06

I would have done exactly the same as wandering trolly.

christywhisty · 15/08/2007 12:07

Why is everyone saying the towel rail was an accident. If they were swinging on the towel rail it is not an accident, 4 and 5 year olds should know not to do that and be punished accordingly.

Not sure about being sent to the room for a whole day but definitely lose privilages and somehow have to pay for it.

oliveoil · 15/08/2007 12:08

Not read all these, but too harsh imo

accidents happen

compo · 15/08/2007 12:08

Hope you are okay and giving her a cuddle and some lunch now

compo · 15/08/2007 12:09

not a 4 year old, a 3 year old.

totaleclipse · 15/08/2007 12:11

christywhisty
Am sure they did'nt do it with the intention of pulling it off the wall, therefore it was an accident.

Sheherazadethegoat · 15/08/2007 12:11

how exactly do a 5 and 3 year old 'pay' for a towel rail. get a grip.

SweetyDarling · 15/08/2007 12:12

ChristyWhisty, It's an accident bc they didn't mean it to happen. Just playing about as little ones do and something got broken.
Not a willfull breakage - I'm sure the rail felt quite strong to them before it fell.

MrsScavo · 15/08/2007 12:12

But if they hadn't ever swung on it before, they woundn't know not to swing on it. You only tell children not to do things when they do them, IYSWIM.

They know not to swing on it now, though!

LittleBella · 15/08/2007 12:13

Yes sorry nervousmum, I think I was a bit ... er... emphatic with my comment, I posted exactly what I was thinking without editing, apologies for being a bit OTT.

christywhisty, when a bunch of 4 and 5 year olds are left together unsupervised,they forget they're not allowed to do certain things. They need constant reminding and if you're not there to remind them... well,imo, it's your own fault for not supervising them properly.

I scream at my DD for drawing on walls, but often behind the screams is annoyance at myself for not having supervised her properly. She forgets. She's 5. You can't apply the standards for older kids to such young kids.

SweetyDarling · 15/08/2007 12:14

Who suggested they should pay for it?

totaleclipse · 15/08/2007 12:16

Yes, especially when a playmate is over, then tend to get over excited and forget all house rules.

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