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Original poster

Were we too harsh?

124 replies

nervousmummy · 15/08/2007 11:40

I would really appreciate some opinions on this, I am a bit worried that we have been too harsh with my DD.

The scenario:

Yesterday we had some friends round for a playdate. The kids were all playing upstairs, 2 5 yo and 2 nearly 4yo. We heard a loud bang, so shot upstairs, the towel rail had been torn off the wall in the bathroom.

I was livid, the kids all blamed the nearly 4yo boy, and said that the rest of them were in the bedroom. This was obviously not true, they had all been in the bathroom.

When DP came home and the playdate had left, we questioned both DDs again. They both stuck to their stories.

When we asked thenm again this morning, DD1 confessed that they had all been messing about in the bathroom, and that both the boy and DD2 had swung on the rail and broke it. When we asked DD2 again, she continued to lie.

So as DD1 finally told the truth, she got privileges revoked for a week (no TV, sweets etc but is allowed biscuits as a treat) but as DD2 had continued to lie, she has been put in her room for the day, and has her privileges revoked for a week as well.

Is this too harsh?

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Original poster

nervousmummy · 15/08/2007 12:20

Am sitting sobbing on the sofa, I don't feel I can let her out until I have agreed it with DP as we agreed what should happen together, and don't want to undermine him.

I have gone upstairs and spoken to her, asking if she understood why she is in her room, she told me she was there because she lied. I have given her a big hug and told her that if she can behave for just a little bit longer she can come downstairs, just to buy a little bit of time to speak to DP who will be on his lunchbreak in 10 minutes time. I also reassured her that we lover her very much, and that if she hadn't lied, she would have just had the TV etc taken away for a few days like her sister.

I appreciate that what I have done seems harsh, and that we perhaps went to far, it's just that we have spent the last 3 months trying to get them to change their behaviour (it was nearing the point where I was going to call supernanny) abd it all seemed to be going so well, so when this happened yesterday it felt like a huge step back, and perhaps we over-reacted.

OP posts:

Sheherazadethegoat · 15/08/2007 12:22

sorry you are so upset. but i am more concerned about your little girl, please let her out now.

CatIsSleepy · 15/08/2007 12:22

ah nervousmummy don't cry
speak to your dp asap, it'll be OK I'm sure

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totaleclipse · 15/08/2007 12:25

No dis-respect but you are the one home with the children all day I assume? so you have priority over the rules regarding the children, please let her out.

totaleclipse · 15/08/2007 12:26

Meant to add, dont be too upset, we all go ott at times.

GooseyLoosey · 15/08/2007 12:26

Nervousmummy, don't be upset. You are trying so hard to do the right thing and we all go too far sometimes.

Goodluck and let us know how it turns out.

beansprout · 15/08/2007 12:28

If you are this upset and dd realises what she has done, it's fine to let her out. If you are at home all day with them, it's really ok to take the decision yourself

popsycal · 15/08/2007 12:28

Don't be upset. I spent yesterday yelling at my boys like a banshee.

Hop over to this thread

SweetyDarling · 15/08/2007 12:29

NM, all day locked up would be harsh if she was 12. You need to make an executive decision here! You are her MOTHER.
Irrational punishments will not improve their behaviour.

pooka · 15/08/2007 12:29

Agree that you should let her out now. Sometimes being tough isn't the best thing to do. IN this case, it sounds like an accident onsofar as they wouldn't have KNOWN that the rail would break. Accidents happen and I think the advice about going to buy a new one is a really good idea. Don;'t think that prolonged punishments really work at this age, apart from making everyone miserable.

greenday · 15/08/2007 12:29

I don't have any parenting experience - only experience up to 3 yr old (my DD) - so sorry if I sound really ignorant. But in the whole scheme of discipline, wouldn't it be better to be too harsh than too lenient?
In that sense, if I had to choose - I'd rather be too harsh (although not all the time, but for important disciplinary measures such as these) than be too lenient.

Gizmo · 15/08/2007 12:30

NM,

Obviously you and DH have decided to tackle your problems together, which is good. But if he's not there all the time, I do think you need to be able to act on your own good judgement - perhaps you and DH need to agree a full set of tactics(starting with a more equable set of punishments) that you can use when he is not around.

I guarantee that if you post specifics of your DDs behaviour and what you want to achieve on mumsnet you should get a wide range of possible approaches.

In the meantime, is this approach DH's idea? If so, and if you don't feel comfortable with it you might need to brace yourself to be quite assertive with him, since he hasn't had to live with the consequences of this decision all day..

pooka · 15/08/2007 12:31

I'd always rather be too lenient than too harsh. No question. And discipline should be appropriate to the "crime". IN this case NMs dd is too young really to be help fully responsible for her actions. The punishment as described is too too harsh for a child of that age.

WigWamBam · 15/08/2007 12:31

Let her out. All day is completely out of proportion to what she's done. Tell her that you are still cross, but that she can come out now - and don't wait for dp to say you can; take control of the situation yourself. It's OK to tell her that you were wrong to give her such a hard punishment.

And actually, unless I'm misreading your post, you don't really know that it's dd2 who is lying and not dd1 ... there could be a little bit of passing the buck going on here.

LittleBella · 15/08/2007 12:34

It's very difficult when we know we've been OTT as well, to back down from it without sending the message that we're pushovers, I can see that's a problem.

I always say something along the lines of: "I said this would happen because I was very angry,but I've thought about it and have decided that I'm being unfair becauseI was so cross. You were very naughty and x is still going to happen because of it, but I won't do y because I've had time to consider it."

That way, they know that there is still a consequence to their behaviour. Although I have had a situation where DS has said "Mummy, have you had time to think now, so can I watch TV?" To which I said "yes I have had time to think, and on reflection, I think maybe I've been too lenient. You shouldn't really be allowed to watch TV tomorrow either, but as I said just today, just this once, I won't add more on top." I've never had the "have you had time" question again!

Don't be afraid of backing down, you can do it in a way that doesn't undermine your authority or your DH's.

FLIER · 15/08/2007 12:35

How are you getting on nervousmummy?

did you speak to your dh?

This parenting is hard work, isn't it?

Hope you're alright, can't be too pleasant when you get a thread like this.

madamez · 15/08/2007 12:35

Greenday, no absoolutley not! Excessively harsh punishments make children lie to avoid them and then do their best to avoid their parents. Harsh punishments are the province of bullies.
OP, yeah, you have over-reacted (and I agree with the people saying you should take the decision to back down by yourself, never mind your DP. Was it his idea in the first place? Is he a bully?) ANd, FWIW, the occasional cock-up in parenting is not that bad a thing as you can then explain to DCs that grown-ups sometimes get it wrong too especially when they are upset and angry.

PellMell · 15/08/2007 12:36

She has not said she was locking anyone in their room.
Don't you remember being sent up to your room?
It's not the same as putting a child in a cell.
The child won't be deprived of food, water, a toilet and contact with Mummy.
I wouldn't /couldn't impose it for a whole day but neither do I believe others should judge you as cruel.

So called experts that quote in terms of time out for so many minutes according to their age are in my opinion doing more harm than good.

forgottenfreetime · 15/08/2007 12:39

I think that this is a case of the wrong type of discipline rather than too harsh a punishment. Time out is best in the heat of the moment becasue it stops the child in full flow of a tantrum or argument/fight etc. Other consequences such as removing a toy or the TV for a week is better as a consequence for things that are discovered later since you can remind them each tie they want that thing. Leaving a child in their room for a whole day is never going to be a good idea however old the child is. A younger child might be too upset at the removal of parental praise/affection for such a long time and an older child will have learnt to amuse themselves so it won't have the desired effect. Agree with other posters that unless your dd is particualrly mature, lying at this age is pretty normal esp if she knows she's done someting wrong. Not to say it shouldn't be discouraged, but that it's not the biggest deal at present. Better to have said straight away that you know that they were all in the bathroom cos you could hear them and ask them for the truth.

Gizmo · 15/08/2007 12:40

Yup there's no shame in a cock-up, fortunately or no-one in Mumsnet would be able to show their face in the virtual street .

Greenday, to answer your question (and possibly to help NM if she has to argue the point with her DH), over harsh punishments can lead to problems with children being evasive and or extremely aggressive and defiant. They have a pronounced sense of what is 'fair' and repeated punishments that are waaaaayyy out of proportion can undermine their trust in adults. The occasional mis-judgement, they seem to forgive (luckily for me .

forgottenfreetime · 15/08/2007 12:41

Oh and cheer up by the way - we all make mistakes. DH is still sad\at being to harsh with DS for biting 2 days ago but like we have said to each other we have learnt from that and we have agreed a new course of action for another time.

SweetyDarling · 15/08/2007 12:41

Why PellMel? Surely as a guide there's no harm in it?
I would think a day of confinement at3 would do more harm than good?

CatIsSleepy · 15/08/2007 12:44

actually NM I'm sure if your dp knew how upset you are by this he would support your decision to end the punishment now...

LoveAngel · 15/08/2007 12:44

Sorry, but locking your child in a room all day is beyond harsh. You and your DP need to find better ways of disciplining your little ones.

WanderingTrolley · 15/08/2007 12:49

Do what LittleBella does - that's fab.

I consider the towel rail incident an accident because the children didn't intend to break it (presumably.) Had they repeatedly been told not to swing off it and it had broken, I wouldn't.

No harm in telling her the trouble a broken towel rail will cause you though.

Maybe she can 'buy' her way out of her room - tidying all her toys/drawers?

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