What do other grand-parents do with your children on the days they take care of them?

[Superrover]

I was unsure whether to put this under parenting or childcare options.
However, I'm getting increasingly frustrated by my inlaws who take care of DC for 1 day a week when we're at work.

He has allergies which need considering and a nice routine which keeps him settled and they have already given him an allergy food in the 6 months he's been going to them and they can't seem to alter their day to suit him at all.

He naps after lunch but they will invite visitors over after lunch time when he needs a sleep and just let him sleep for 30 minutes in the pushchair so they can spend the rest of the time showing him off to visitors. He comes home cranky and we have a terrible night. Some days, they just run errands all day and he's sat in a carseat having a snooze here and there instead of his usual 1.5 hour afternoon nap.

They don't prepare decent meals and I've had to speak to them about not giving cereal for both breakfast and lunch. I have offered to provide his food, but they were offended by the idea.

I have suggested 3 toddler groups within 2 miles of their home that they could take him to in the morning, take him home for lunch, sleep in the afternoon. They complained about the group they tried and haven't been to another. MIL will go and get her hair/nails done on the one day they look after him so he's left with his grandpa whilst she does her own thing on occasion.

I have repeatedly asked DH to communicate DSs needs,but either he's not doing so or they're not listening. DS spent dinner time this evening in a temper as he was so tired and wouldn't eat, which means I'll be having to breastfeed him during the night if he wakes hungry, something I'm trying to stop.

I'm getting angry to the point I have argued with DH about it this evening, he argues that all is great because "atleast they do more" than my mother (who works full time).

Also, their days can be very chaotic and I don't think jam-packed days of shops, errands, visiting relatives etc is particularly good for DS, or them as they seem to lose track of time and I'm not convinced they can watch him closely enough when they're doing so much.

I don't understand why they can't prioritise his needs on the one day a week they take care of him. They have plenty of toys at home for him to play with; he's barely getting the opportunity. I know this is an awkward conversation I am now going to need to have with them and DH is all offended that I don't appreciate his parents' help despite all this being communicated to him already!

To gain some perspective: I am wondering what other grand-parents do with your children on the days they take care of them? What do you expect? Do they do what you ask of them?

I think your expectations are a bit high, my mum has my dd 3 afternoons a week and my dd just fits in with my mums schedule.

I wouldn't expect her to change her routine massively, kids adapt and its good yo be able to carry on with normal life.

If you want to set a rigid shedule you need to pay for nursery or childminder

PIL tend to take her to different towns, looking around shops etc. Or just stay in the house playing etc. They never were really good with naps with her either. In my mind it's one day a week so it's not that big a deal and I just let it go.

DM takes dd to playgroups/toddler groups or to sessions at the library.

Dd doesn't have any allergies but I pack her lunches and make sure she has sufficient food for the whole day.

If you're not happy with the care they are providing your options are to talk to them about it, let it go or pay for external childcare

If you’re not happy unfortunately the solution is pay for childcare where you can choose the approach you want and they will prioritise and fit in around your DS. They are offering free childcare so you need to accept this will be on their terms.

What happens on the other days when you’re at work? Could you keep grandparent visits to the weekend and use your normal childcare arrangements for that day instead?

Most grandparents don’t do childcare.

You might be discovering why some parents and grandparents avoid it.

This is exactly why i am so, so glad my in-laws do fuck all ! I would be constantly pissed off with them.

Good luck with the little chat OP. Remember your elders always know best though... ha bloody ha!.

Are you paying them? If yes, then you set the rules. If no, then I’m afraid you just have to be grateful that they are looking after your child for free and let them get on with it. We have used paid childcare (not family) until very recently where we set the rules and agenda. We have recently started using a grand parent, and whilst most of the child care is fine there have been a few instances where I’ve taken a sharp inhalation and buy my tongue hard. If you aren’t paying, you don’t set the rules. As for what GPs do with dc- read, go for walks, bake, go to local playgroup, puzzles, colouring, take swimming, take to any other pre arranged activity, take to the zoo, park, meet with other GPs. I have got very hands on GP though.

Feed them chocolate and ice cream. Take them to the cinema, or the park, or to meet their friends, or to the zoo or farm, let them make mud pies in the garden when they've not got spare clothes. More chocolate, more ice cream, iPad time, sweets, cake for dinner, bubble bath for fun without proper washing, sometimes Macdonalds on the way home. Buy them all the toys and magazines and books and clothes and sweets they can afford (and some extra just for good measure). More chocolate, more ice cream. Hand me a sticky hyped up mess of stickiness, who claims to be starving, eats every bit of food in the house and fall asleep claiming they are not tired two hours after bedtime. It's absolutely marvellous, but I use a childminder and/or nursery for formal childcare, so these are fun days or to give me a break. Mostly just a couple of hours here and there which are like a mini Christmas.

This is not AIBU but YABVU
Pay for childcare!

Hmm, the napping thing I get - but the rest of it I would let go, for the sake of one day a week free childcare.

We have the same situ - both sets of grandparents alternate Wednesdays look after DS (13 months) and I am just so grateful for the free childcare that I've told them to do what they like (within reason!). To be honest, they don't take him 'out and about' as much as I'd like and do most of the day at home, but he's not walking yet so it's hard and I forgive them!

In terms of eating, I figure it's one day a week and I'm just glad if he's full up and content and happy with them, and will sleep well at night.

I don't think jam-packed days of shops, errands, visiting relatives etc is particularly good for DS,

I’ve actually always strongly believed it’s a positive for children to be out and about in the community sometimes, tagging along on errands, absorbing information about social interactions, shops and so on.

Little ones can nap in a buggy or look at the sights and sounds. Toddlers and preschoolers are learning how the post works, what we do in shops, how adults deal with each other, road safety and so on. All by osmosis.

I think that’s great.

DF looks after DD two days per week. He often takes her to the park one of the days and maybe just local playground the other days or stays at home. I think he would go further afield e.g. soft play or something, if it weren't for the fact he has to pick up DS from school in the afternoon. He does sometimes do a bigger day out in school holidays , eg National Trust. He doesnt do too badly with naps.

My mum occasionally looks after DD and tends to take her to a toddler group. She finds it difficult to get her to nap so it is often a late one.

I don't really give them too much direction, although I do temper DM's plans as sometimes she has wanted to take both out for two consecutive big days out in the school holidays! I occasionally provide food, but often not. They just do simple things like scrambled eggs.

My set of gps do zero babysitting or childcare - you can get the same problem with nursery, mine never slept well at nursery as too noisy/not home etc.

My only advice is don’t fall out with nice well meaning involved grandparents.

The allergy thing matters clearly so perhaps try and insist on a packed lunch to help them but the whole you get what you pay for thing never worked for me! You get a certain basket of issues with various types of childcare.

I am an elder who does not necessarily know better, and an in law to boot. So probably not worth listening to.
I care for grandchild 2 days per week. At home they go for a nap at 11am every day. EVERY DAY. At my house? Nope. Zilch. No way Jose.
So come 3pm, going home time, they are knackered sometimes.

Any suggestions oh wondrous mum with shit in laws? Maybe I should do fuck all.....

OP, i treat grandchild just the same as child. They just go everwhere with me. On one day we go swimming and on second day we go to a dance class. Other than that, we just do whatever I would gave done had they not been there.

I am providing family time, not formal education.

DC1 went to paid childcare all week which offended them, so we've happily let them take care of DC2 for their desired 1 day per week, on the exact day that they requested too (I changed my working day to honour their wishes). I'm obviously pleased that it's helping us financially too; it's a great help. But I'm finding it stressful when dealing with the repercussions of their chaotic day, I also worry about how well he's actually being looked after since the allergy incident.
A respectful way to deal with this would be to write up his nap/meal routine again and hand it to them in the hopes that they'll pay attention.
I just wonder what other grand-parents are doing on their days with DCs...

They learn more from being out and about than at nursery, totally agree, as long as they are being talked to.

When they were little, not much as mum was nervous taking them out alone. It worked for us and them to have a lazy day. They eat too many sweets, watch too much tv, and sleep too long sometimes. But she also plays with them properly, hours of trains or lego. They help her with jobs like gardening. They love it. She loves it. Therefore I love it. It's not like nursery where I expect activities . Shes doing me a massive favour and building a relationship with her grandkids. Also her house her rules. However, I totally trust her to keep them safe. If you dont then you need a plan b. If you do trust them then I think you need to relax a bit.

Jeeze. They've committed to having him a day a week for nothing, and you're trying to control their lives?
Just stop. Or pay someone to look after him.

Personally I think it's great that he's part of their day to day life. Way better than being stuck in a nursery away from social and community life.

I used to feel like I wanted my parents to parent my way, but now I am just happy they are involved, grateful for any help, and love that my kids have an alternative. I'm pretty laid back, though, and think that it's lovely when grandparents are able to take an active and fun role in their grandkids lives, when my grandparents were mostly only interested in other adults, too old or sick to play, or dead. I get that routine and boundaries are important, but I just think it's such a luxury to have them able to play a big role in our lives that it's to be treasured, not to be taken for granted. They don't have to be in our or our children's lives, and so many people are no contact/abusive or unwell, live too far away or sadly no longer with us, that really that time is not to be moulded, but to be left in a well intentioned mess of love.

Playgroup, trip to the shops, bus rides, walks and play at the park

My parents didn't have my children often, but when they did they did bugger all beyond everyday errands etc which was absolutely fine. They're not paid, and they're not entertainers.

The cereal thing isn't such a crime either, assuming this is a young child that might not be able to have what your in-laws have for lunch. What would you like them to give?

How old is your dc?

I think you have to let it go for the sake of free child care.

My lo is with inlaws and parents on different days. He just tags along with whatever they are doing, appointments, shopping etc. They do take him to playgroup a couple of times a week but the rest of the time is doing whatever gps would be doing anyway. I don't think this is a bad thing. The naps used to infuriate me... Now I'm over it. Worth it for free childcare!

You should be grateful they're looking after him, presumably for free, allowing you to work.
Quit complaining and put him into paid childcare.
I can't see anything they've done as detrimental to your son.

DC1 went to paid childcare all week which offended them, so we've happily let them take care of DC2 for their desired 1 day per week

You clearly think you're doing them a favour, so knock it on the head.

My parents made it very clear that I could either trust them to know how to look after a child or pat for childcare!

They carried on their normal life. Sometime that involved going shopping/baking/planing potatoes. Others it would be a trip out. As they got older there was lots of reading and maths practice.

Dc were fed, when they were hungry and slept when they were tired. (I know, odd right? )

I wouldn't change it for the world. My boys are now 16 & 18 both working FT but still go to their GPs for tea once a week