What do other grand-parents do with your children on the days they take care of them?

[Superrover]

I was unsure whether to put this under parenting or childcare options.
However, I'm getting increasingly frustrated by my inlaws who take care of DC for 1 day a week when we're at work.

He has allergies which need considering and a nice routine which keeps him settled and they have already given him an allergy food in the 6 months he's been going to them and they can't seem to alter their day to suit him at all.

He naps after lunch but they will invite visitors over after lunch time when he needs a sleep and just let him sleep for 30 minutes in the pushchair so they can spend the rest of the time showing him off to visitors. He comes home cranky and we have a terrible night. Some days, they just run errands all day and he's sat in a carseat having a snooze here and there instead of his usual 1.5 hour afternoon nap.

They don't prepare decent meals and I've had to speak to them about not giving cereal for both breakfast and lunch. I have offered to provide his food, but they were offended by the idea.

I have suggested 3 toddler groups within 2 miles of their home that they could take him to in the morning, take him home for lunch, sleep in the afternoon. They complained about the group they tried and haven't been to another. MIL will go and get her hair/nails done on the one day they look after him so he's left with his grandpa whilst she does her own thing on occasion.

I have repeatedly asked DH to communicate DSs needs,but either he's not doing so or they're not listening. DS spent dinner time this evening in a temper as he was so tired and wouldn't eat, which means I'll be having to breastfeed him during the night if he wakes hungry, something I'm trying to stop.

I'm getting angry to the point I have argued with DH about it this evening, he argues that all is great because "atleast they do more" than my mother (who works full time).

Also, their days can be very chaotic and I don't think jam-packed days of shops, errands, visiting relatives etc is particularly good for DS, or them as they seem to lose track of time and I'm not convinced they can watch him closely enough when they're doing so much.

I don't understand why they can't prioritise his needs on the one day a week they take care of him. They have plenty of toys at home for him to play with; he's barely getting the opportunity. I know this is an awkward conversation I am now going to need to have with them and DH is all offended that I don't appreciate his parents' help despite all this being communicated to him already!

To gain some perspective: I am wondering what other grand-parents do with your children on the days they take care of them? What do you expect? Do they do what you ask of them?

I just left my PILs to it. It was their day with Dd and so long as she was loved and cared for, fed and watered, and in no way neglected I was happy. They chose to look after Dd. She went to nursery the other days I worked. I was just happy they loved Dd and wanted to spend time with her. My parents looked after Dd at other times on a more casual basis as they both worked so weren't able to do a day a week type thing. But again - I was always happy they wanted to spend time with Dd.

I didn't expect grandparents to fit in with my exact routines. I figured they'd brought me and dh up to be healthy happy and well rounded so they'd manage with a grandchild.

They did indulge more. They gave her more chocolate and sweets than We did. They let her stay up later (when a bit older) etc. And it was all perfectly fine.

Mind, I was never one for strict routines anyway and we have always been out and about, busy much of the time. No set nap times here and Dd just slept out and about, or at hone, if and when tired.

we've happily let them take care of DC2 for their desired 1 day per week, on the exact day that they requested too (I changed my working day to honour their wishes). I'm obviously pleased that it's helping us financially too; it's a great help. But I'm finding it stressful when dealing with the repercussions of their chaotic day

Your “chaotic day” is their relaxed informality.

The time spent with loving DGPs is very emotionally valuable to your son.

Unclench a bit. You’re going to clash majorly with your DH if you don’t as he obviously values their input and their approach.

My mum has my little boy at her house one day a week and found a lovely toddler group just up the road for the mornings then mirrors his usual routine of lunch and a nap. The afternoon they tend to come back to our house (sometimes via the park) so she can get our dinner on I realise we're very lucky with this!
She just tries to mirror his usual routine so that he's happy and rested with her. She is retired though so has a lot of time to do her errands and her own thing. If she couldn't accommodate him in this way or needed to do other things and it meant DS wasn't happy, I wouldn't be annoyed with her but would probably organise another nursery day.

I don't think jam-packed days of shops, errands, visiting relatives etc is particularly good for DS,
This is pretty much what I did when I was a SAHP.

The replies on here make me so sad. I look after my DGC regularly and consider it a privilege to be trusted with their care. Of course Grandparents should follow the wishes of the parents - they know their own children best.

as has been said, you get what you pay for.

I'd have been delighted to have free childcare from grandparents who loved my DC. That relationship is invaluable - assuming normal circumstances.

I am a GP and have my DGS's over regularly - but still work, so don't do childcare. When together we assess what they have done in the past few days - have they been home, so need a run around at the park? That determines how we spend our day. Do they want to take a walk, or go to the zoo or the like? Play ball or go to the playpark.

Lots of time spent actually playing together - legos, board games, trains, etc. Quality time.

You could not pay me enough to do any other job, with such love and investment. A little gratitude would go a long way, in your situation.

Mine refused to have them ever.

Absolutely useless......

It’s helpful for me to read all these replies, as I get increasingly frustrated with my DM for not respecting my wishes when looking after my kids. I expect indulgence and too many sweets. I bite my tongue when she keeps 4yr old up too late. But currently she’s so resistant to letting 1yr old nap at home in her cot, even though she’s ridiculously hard to get to sleep in the buggy, and even though it’s what I’ve asked. OP, I realise it’s your in-laws so it’s different, but for me this gets me in terms of our mum/daughter relationship - there are some issues, but I feel, how much do you care if you can’t respect this thing that is so important to me? She knows how I have suffered with sleep deprivation and so I can’t fathom why someone would ever be unwilling to do what’s needed to get sleep at roughly the right times. So I wonder for you are there similar deeper questions about don’t they care about you and your sons needs? In my situation, I can see I have ingratitude at times, but these feelings are there and I can’t just squash them down.

If they've given him food he's allergic to then don't let them have him. Put him in nursery where he will be safer and can play with other children.

My mum used to come to my house to look after ds1. She took him to toddler groups or the park, made him a nice lunch or took him to a cafe and would put effort into making sure he napped.
I dont think yabu but you will probably get roasted for getting free childcare

I'm a grandparent and sometimes I look after my GC. Usually at DDs house. I do various things with them. Take them to the park, to playgroup, the library go shopping, go to cafes or play with them at home, read books and do crafts Naps for the little one are not great because he will only sleep in his bed if DD puts him down or if he's in the buggy. So he doesn't always sleep as much as he needs but he is a 3rd child so has to be flexible with naps etc anyway.
I would say if you are not happy with how your Mil looks after your child you should pay for childcare I asume she is giving you free childcare.

When my elder two were little and with their grandparents. I never once dreamed of telling them what to do when they were doing me such a huge favour of saving me £100s per week. They brought up me and their dad with no problem.
Stop being so ungrateful or pay for a nursery.

Parks, playgroups, gardening, walks, games, books toys all sound wonderful. @TeethingBabyHelp your DM sounds wonderful ❤

Obviously, my biggest concerns are the safety elements of their care. Particularly where his allergies are concerned. MIL does not recognise what foods the allergens are in and yet is offended by the idea of a packed lunch. We are trying to give them as much flexibility/control as they want to have in many ways, but unfortunately we're not in a position where grandparents can fill him full of chocolate and icecream. We have to be extremely careful.

You describe them as chaotic days, but to me it just sounds like family life. My mum and dad looked after both of our dcs. They just did whatever they needed to and the kids fit in with them. Obviously sometimes they would do ‘child friendly’ outings but I certainly didn’t expect them to run their days like a childcare facility! On the days I was at home I also did errands etc. YABU.

I'd just be glad of the fact you have grandparents that live close enough to help.

Do you think a nanny or nursery has more interest in how you sleep? Not napping or not napping on schedule drove me crazy too but I didn’t find the paid carers any more responsive, sadly as they have a nursery routine. The idea they really can follow your schedule is mostly words they say when you’re looking around.

Ah @katienana I did wonder why I was getting a roasting. Thankyou. The free childcare element has brought about other feelings from OPs, I can sense.

It's ironic in a way as it's never been a big thing to us as DC1 was in full paid childcare. We would have done the same for DC2 had grandparents not requested (contrary to what others will say I'm guessing).
I'll be careful to pluck out the well-meaning advice from the venomous snipes.

The food yanbu but you can’t dictate how they run their day. As for napping can u just ask they don’t wake him once asleep- leaving to sleep in the buggy if needed

Hyperkatinka: I have found the opposite with nurseries. All children seem to sleep around the same time, after lunch which has fit in with both DCs needs extremely well.

I am lucky enough that both my parents, and my in laws, have my dc for 1 day a week each. It's much easier now dc are older, 2 and 4, one is at school.

My mum takes them for breakfast, round the garden centre etc or to a playgroup. Hone for lunch then either stay at hone playing, garden etc if she has things to do, tag along with errands, or go to park. She very rarely got them to nap properly.

In laws don't do much, they take them home and play with them, and the day is focussed on them. Sone times they will visit a relative and they have started venturing out a bit more now. Always napped very well there, to the point where the 2.5 yr old is still having huge naps despite me asking not to as he then won't sleep til 10pm.

I haven't ever complained to either set because a)nothing they're doing is bad (naps really the only "issue") and b) it's free and I consider myself very lucky.

When my mum had my dc I didn’t really enforce any of my own routine as to me it was her day with them to do as she wanted. Obviously I trusted her implicitly and knew that she loved them like I did so wasn’t concerned about their safety. Children need wide variety of life experiences and meeting people so sometimes a change of routine is good. Obviously you need to sort out the allergies as they need to be managed but otherwise I would let them be.

My mum used to give dc lemonade for breakfast when they stayed over, or let them spend all day in pjs even when making mud pies in the garden. Now they are older these are some of their best childhood memories!

I deliberately chose a childminder who was out and about and living a normal family day. She'd go shopping, visit friends, run errands etc...all the things that I did as a SAHM. I wanted my daughter's day while I worked, to be the same sort of day she'd have at home with me. Not at nursery removed from daily life, and not with a minder who just stayed home all day.

Your PIL's day sounds fine to me.

I'm a grandparent who looks after my grandchildren regularly, though not usually full days. Mostly we read books, play with toys kept at my house or in the garden, baking, or they come with me on whatever errands I'm running. So maybe a trip to the supermarket or a walk to the park. And for meals they tend to eat bread and cheese, soup, scrambled eggs - easy things.
I'm aware that my DD would like me to take the children out more but frankly that's hard work with two toddlers, even though I'm in my mid-fifties. A double pushchair is heavy!
Sometimes we'll do a special day out to the zoo or similar. Other weeks it's just my normal life, with the additional of two small people. But I don't do regular childcare, more like one or two afternoons a week as it suits us all.
Naps are sacrosanct. I need that down time!

If mil has dd, I give her suggestions of routine (maybe try to get her to nap at X time or she’ll be grumpy). Other than that I just leave her to it really.

I’m just bloody grateful to get the help and dd really enjoys their time together.

They seem to do a mix of fun stuff and normal errands etc.

I look after my grandson one day a week. We don't have a strict routine, a lot depends on the weather. I spend it at his house. We go into town either morning or afternoon, he usually has a good long nap either in the morning or after lunch, and a shorter one the other time. I take him to the park and we have a snack, cake or ice cream. His favourite thing to do is go into MandS and smile at all the assistants. He's such a poser 🤣. Sometimes I'll do some washing, or nip to Tesco for a shopping list my DD leaves me.
Your MIL is doing things her way, none of which will harm your DS. Maybe he's tired because she tires him out!