What do other grand-parents do with your children on the days they take care of them?

[Superrover]

I was unsure whether to put this under parenting or childcare options.
However, I'm getting increasingly frustrated by my inlaws who take care of DC for 1 day a week when we're at work.

He has allergies which need considering and a nice routine which keeps him settled and they have already given him an allergy food in the 6 months he's been going to them and they can't seem to alter their day to suit him at all.

He naps after lunch but they will invite visitors over after lunch time when he needs a sleep and just let him sleep for 30 minutes in the pushchair so they can spend the rest of the time showing him off to visitors. He comes home cranky and we have a terrible night. Some days, they just run errands all day and he's sat in a carseat having a snooze here and there instead of his usual 1.5 hour afternoon nap.

They don't prepare decent meals and I've had to speak to them about not giving cereal for both breakfast and lunch. I have offered to provide his food, but they were offended by the idea.

I have suggested 3 toddler groups within 2 miles of their home that they could take him to in the morning, take him home for lunch, sleep in the afternoon. They complained about the group they tried and haven't been to another. MIL will go and get her hair/nails done on the one day they look after him so he's left with his grandpa whilst she does her own thing on occasion.

I have repeatedly asked DH to communicate DSs needs,but either he's not doing so or they're not listening. DS spent dinner time this evening in a temper as he was so tired and wouldn't eat, which means I'll be having to breastfeed him during the night if he wakes hungry, something I'm trying to stop.

I'm getting angry to the point I have argued with DH about it this evening, he argues that all is great because "atleast they do more" than my mother (who works full time).

Also, their days can be very chaotic and I don't think jam-packed days of shops, errands, visiting relatives etc is particularly good for DS, or them as they seem to lose track of time and I'm not convinced they can watch him closely enough when they're doing so much.

I don't understand why they can't prioritise his needs on the one day a week they take care of him. They have plenty of toys at home for him to play with; he's barely getting the opportunity. I know this is an awkward conversation I am now going to need to have with them and DH is all offended that I don't appreciate his parents' help despite all this being communicated to him already!

To gain some perspective: I am wondering what other grand-parents do with your children on the days they take care of them? What do you expect? Do they do what you ask of them?

They look after my daughter for 3 and half hours every two weeks, say they love it but act like it absolutely exhausts them. They stay in and do not a lot, play with toys and watch TV, sometimes go to the park. She won't sleep there and won't eat her tea there some weeks. And they make out she is such hard work. They never babyproofed and we argued about an unsafe carseat they bought which I told them not to use. They complain if I forget to pack the tiniest thing. I provide all her food. I usually make an hour's round trip to drop her off. When baby no. 2 arrives they will both go to nursery and I will just make up an excuse that it is more convenient with 2 to keep the peace. The extra cost is totally worth it to me. Sorry you've caught me on a bad day thinking about this. They have a great relationship and my daughter loves them but it will be a relief to stop this arrangement and see them at weekends and on my days off instead.

Send the child to a formal child care setting if you want to dictate what they do when. Mind you you’ll find they have to fit into what nursery/CM do anyway.
It’s one day a week. Eating cereal for 2 meals and not napping on time isn’t the end of the world. A few more months and his nap schedule will be completely different anyway.

The “ fed him an allergy food once in 6m “ is a concern but they’ll have learned from that. Basically they love him and keep him safe. That’s what is needed.

Yeah my parents have mine 2 days a week and they come back tired from eating and sleeping at random times and usually fight me on bedtime and demand custard for their tea .... but they also come back very loved, full of stories, taken on adventures and have a beautiful bond with their GPs so it's a fair trade off I think.

My ILs have DD10mo four days a week - MIL gave up work to look after her. This means that we only pay one day a week nursery, can still afford the mortgage and to save AND I get to do the job I love.

I give MIL a rough routine for naps but apart from that it’s entirely up to her. Mostly they all have breakfast together (DD being indulged with jam on toast and the like), MIL takes her for a daily walk round the village, plays on the swings/goes for coffee with a friend/wanders round the shops, then home for lunch and nap. DD rarely naps for longer than half an hour at a time so they then head out again or play at home. Sometimes they take her out for the day somewhere they fancy, like a nature reserve, or off to visit family and show her off. They’re not soft play kind of people, but MIL does take her to the baby group in the village for socialisation.

I trust them implicitly, DD adores them and so long as they don’t let her nap after 2.30pm they can make their own decisions.

We know how incredibly lucky we are to have this setup, and regularly take them out to lunch etc to say thank you.

Thank you FunkySnidge. What a kind thing to say.