My aunt and uncle are grandparents to my children

[Hsl1719]

When I was very young my mum passed away and I’m also not close to my dad. So when I found out I was pregnant I asked my aunt and uncle if they would be grandparents.

For a very long time I dreaded the extra loss I was about to feel with not having my mum with me to share this with however my aunt/uncle have been more then amazing to me and my girls and they love them so so much. And I know my mum would have been so happy if she could see or know the love they have for them.

So I’ll get to the question 🤦‍♀️ The thought has come to me that one day the girls may ask me why they aren't my parents. Has anyone got any advice. I would never want them to think that I’ve lied or tricked them. I’m probably overthinking the entire thing!

I assumed you or meant ‘played a grandparental role in my children’s lives’, but do you actually mean that you are pretending to your children that your aunt and uncle are your parents???

I think as long as you keep calling them Aunty Mary and Uncle John or Mary and John it will be fien, they'll ask and you'll say we'll they love us all so much that I picked them to be your grandparents as your Nanny - my Mommy is in heaven (or whatever you believe). They'll say OK and it will just be normal

I don't understand why your aunt and uncle would have agreed to such a bizarre plan.

I assumed op meant the kids call them Granny and Grandad instead of Great Aunty Mary and Great Uncle John whilst she still calls them Aunty and Uncle and at some point the kids will realise this doesn't tally.
Not that they're masquerading as her parents

I think a lot depends on what you call your aunt and uncle. Do you call them aunt and uncle, or by their first names or mum and dad?

If you call them aunt and uncle, or first name then I don't think there is much of a problem. Make sure there are pictures of your mum around, talk about her, remember her birthday etc. explain to your girls that she died, you were sad that they wouldn't have a granny and grandad so Aunty/uncle said they would be a special granny and grandad for them.

Children accept far more complicated family situations than yours without batting an eyelid. As long as they know who is who, people are kind to them and the children feel secure and loved they aren't too bothered about how it all joins up.

Do they have contact with their fathers parents?

It doesn’t seem bizarre to me in the slightest. Your kid call them grandparents because that’s the role they fulfil. At some point the will work our that they aren’t your mum and dad but it won’t be a big deal. Plenty of children have multiple grandparents due to divorce/remarriage, or call their parents friends aunty/uncle, and it is no big deal.

Yes I call them by their first names. I also have a picture of my mum and said to my eldest that’s my mummy. She’s only 2 so won’t understand now but I know it will help her understand later on.

Yes they have contact with their dads parents.

I’d also just like to say to the few who have posted such unhelpful comments. If you don’t have any advice that is supportive or constructive, then please don’t say anything. I put this post up for help. I do wonder if I seen you in public wether you would say these comments to my face. Probably not, suppose it’s easy when your hiding behind a phone.

I think it's lovely for your aunt and uncle to take on such a special role. And it's not like when someone has a child young and that person's child is brought up as their sibling instead. That's the sort of lie which people tell me can be damaging to some people. This is your family knowingly stepping in for you and being closer than they would have been otherwise. It's fine. I would just tell your kids that nanny and grandad are technically great aunt and great uncle but that because your mummy can't be here to be nanny, their great aunt and uncle will be there instead because they love your kids and you very much.

It doesn't have to be weird at all.

I had an aunty who wasn't really an aunty but she was lovely and one of the closest people to me ever. It never bothered me that she wasn't a blood relative. As long as you're honest about it, kids accept whatever is around them. When they're old enough to understand you can explain that we call them granny and grandad because they play that special role in your lives and love you like grandparents should.

I didn't really have involved grandparents in my children's lives from my side of the family because my parents weren't that interested. I often fantasised about advertising for some adoptive grandparents for them! Surely what's important is that they can have lots of people in their lives that love them.

But how do you refer to them to your children? As Nanny/Grandad etc or as Aunty Sue & Uncle Bob?

I also think both you and your aunt and uncle are lucky to have each other. It’s a wonderful idea to have them as surrogate grandparents and if the dc want to call them granny and grandpa, and they’re happy, then why ever not? You can remind them of the actuality of the relationship in an age appropriate way throughout their childhood so there are no deceptions.

I’m sorry you lost your mum so young

My step-grandfather is my grandfather in my eyes, and he's less related to me by blood than your aunt and uncle are to your kids. It's really not a problem at all. Kids are amazingly adaptive and flexible--it's adults who see category errors where none exist.

And it sounds like both you and your aunt/uncle are wonderful people who have built a loving family for your kids. Be proud of yourself, not worried.

Thanks for all your supportive messages, It’s really helped. I don’t question the fact that my aunt and uncle are fulfilling the role of grandparents. I feel very lucky and love them so much for it and my mum would be so so happy if she knew too and that was a big part of it.

I was just more worried about questions I may get asked and really want to avoid that and instead be honest with the girls from as early as possible.

My Granada’s wasn’t my “real” grandad but if anyone referred to him as his first name I would be insulted because to me he IS my grandad.

To my children I call them nanny and grandad.

Nothing wrong or strange with having "adoptive" grandparents. I would just address the nature of the biological relationship as it comes up, as the children grow, and definitely not try to hide it in any way. I wouldn't want them to be shocked by a sudden "revelation" at an older age, personally, as it could be disorienting for them. Besides, it seems unnecessary, so long as you explain the situation in an age-appropriate way.

To my children I call them nanny and grandad.

But they aren’t. So maybe reconsider that before your children are much older

I would just say they are adoptive grandparents as you talk about them later on. 'We love them so much that they are your grandparents"
But I grew up in culture were every second family friend was an auntie.
I found myself doing this to my dc, " this is auntie and uncle x" Dh was taken aback as they were his long term friends! Fortunately they were Irish and thus similar to Scots.
Don't over stress OP, embrace the family you have made.

Well personnally I don't find anything strange in chiildren or even adults calling people who are close family friends but not blood relatives "Auntie (whatever)" or "Uncle (whatever)". Also, many people have at least one grandparent who, sadly, dies some time before they are born (I did) so I don't see why there needs to be any cover up about this - from what you say there isn't in your case, On the other hand, I think it is rignt to ensure, in an age-appropriate way, that the children understand what the actual relationship with the various family member is, whatever they may call them.

I would really stop calling them that. They can be ‘Bob’ and ‘Sue’ and still fulfil that role in your children’s lives. Don’t mess with their heads by bringing them up calling them nanny and grandad. It’s important to be as factual and honest as one can with children (as age appropriate, of course).

Just tell them.. 🤷🏼‍♀️ My great uncle all but raises my mum as her dad was an alcoholic and her mum was older when she had her and died of breast cancer. I’ve always know it and it was nbd

I think it's lovely that your aunt and uncle are being grandparents to your children and I'm sure they are delighted that you asked them.

Children are very accepting and I'm sure they will just shrug their shoulders and not be at all bothered when they find out that they aren't actually your parents.

Your aunt and uncle sound lovely. Your eldest is only two, you can gradually explain that though she calls them 'grandparents', they are really aunt and uncle and took over a parental role when your mother died. Take your time over explaining.

It sounds like an ideal set up in many ways.

My son is extremely close to his grandad (my dad), they love each other to bits.

My dad is not my birth father, he came into my life when I was 8 and later adopted me after he married my mum when I was 12.

I met my birth father twice in my life, once as a toddler then when I was 12 before he agreed to the adoption. I am now 43 and no idea if he is even still alive.

My Dad is very much my DAD and I love him every bit as much as my mum. He cared for me, nurtured me, made me a part of his family etc etc

I know from my mum that since my son was born that he has worried about when the whole 'not real grandad' thing might rear its head and that worry grew (for him) with the increasing bond that they developed together.

I've been matter of fact about it. When the situation has arisen, I've spoken about 'mine and granny's life before we met grandad'. For example I've shown my son where I was brought up and he knows that only me and his granny lived there. When the inevitable question arose 'where was grandad' I explained that we hadn't met yet, but I always wanted a dad and didn't granny pick a great one for me!

As he got a bit older I spoke about where I was born (a different city) and that granny had been married to a man called 'john' at that time but they didn't want to be married anymore and so that's why me and granny came back (to home town).

"So you used to have another daddy" my son said. "Yes I did, but now I have your grandad".

My son hasn't ask anymore questions yet (he's 7, I know they might still come). I know he understands, but it doesn't matter a jot to him. His grandad is his grandad.

My advice would be to just drip feed the truth to your girls in the most natural way as situations and conversations develop. No secrets, no big revelations. Families can be diverse, it's not necessarily a bit deal if you don't make it one x

I think so long as when a direct question comes up you say something like "X and Y are like parents to me, so they're like grandparents to you" or "X and Y are the closest thing you have to grandparents on my side of the family." (if the former isn't really true) then you're fine.

My dad's mum died when he was a very young child and he was passed around the extended family as a kid (because, it seems, his dad couldn't be expected to look after him ), spending his most formative years with an aunt so I grew up with a great aunt taking the role of my paternal grandmother. I always thought of her that way. When she died the extended family, especially his step-siblings who his father had had with another woman while he left my dad to be passed around his sisters, was a bit shocked, but I was absolutely rock solid in my knowledge of what she was to me and I am really grateful that while I was growing up no one tried to denigrate her role in my life by telling me she was "just" an aunt or "not my real" grandmother. I did always know that she was a great aunt, though. It wasn't hidden from me. But she was my grandmother and if anyone asked about my grandparents I talked about her the same as I talked about my mother's parents.

Relax, let your kids call your aunt and uncle their grandparents and let them enjoy being loved.

Biology is only a small part of it, just explain when they ask that they are in an honorary role because of the love you have for them and they have for you and your children.