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Parenting

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Original poster

My aunt and uncle are grandparents to my children

76 replies

Hsl1719 · 28/09/2019 00:18

When I was very young my mum passed away and I’m also not close to my dad. So when I found out I was pregnant I asked my aunt and uncle if they would be grandparents.

For a very long time I dreaded the extra loss I was about to feel with not having my mum with me to share this with however my aunt/uncle have been more then amazing to me and my girls and they love them so so much. And I know my mum would have been so happy if she could see or know the love they have for them.

So I’ll get to the question 🤦‍♀️ The thought has come to me that one day the girls may ask me why they aren't my parents. Has anyone got any advice. I would never want them to think that I’ve lied or tricked them. I’m probably overthinking the entire thing!

OP posts:

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youarenotkiddingme · 28/09/2019 08:07

Nanny grandad aunt uncle are just names.

To your children they are nanny and grandad because that's the role they've taken on.

Imo it's no different to when children call step parents or step grandparents mum dad etc.

They've never known any different so I'm sure they won't mind.

My ds called my dad 'dad' until he was 7!. We referred to him as grandad but he heard me call him dad and because he didn't have his dad around he just use to do it.
We never made a fuss and just continued to call him GD. Eventually ds switched what he called him. 🤷‍♀️

RandomMess · 28/09/2019 08:12

We have this at some point they worked out Nanny X was actually a Great Aunt/Nanny's sister - they aren't bothered!

Calling them Aunty X wouldn't be correct either as they should be Great Aunty X.

SimonJT · 28/09/2019 08:19

My sons Grandma is my best friends Mum, I call her Mum (well Ammu as it means Mum), as she is the closest thing I have to a Mum.

Being a mum, dad, grandparent etc isn’t about DNA, it’s about the love and care you give that person.

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PenguinMama · 28/09/2019 08:20

Aww, that's lovely. As someone said up thread, family isn't just biology so just don't hide things rather than make a big deal about it being different.

misspiggy19 · 28/09/2019 08:21

It doesn’t seem bizarre to me in the slightest. Your kid call them grandparents because that’s the role they fulfil. At some point the will work our that they aren’t your mum and dad but it won’t be a big deal.

^This

Teddybear45 · 28/09/2019 08:24

I come from a culture where aunts and uncles would be called and refer to themselves as grandparents of their neices and nephews - so I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it.

OverByYer · 28/09/2019 08:26

I think just explain it in language they will understand.
I dont think it’s a big deal, your aunt and uncle are family members anyway who are just carrying out a slightly different role.
I don’t see it as being a massive problem in the future at all.
I think it’s a lovely arrangement and I’d it makes you all happy carry on

madrush · 28/09/2019 08:28

What a lovely family you have.

Children cope with complicated arrangements/step parents and step grandparents all the time.

I think your system is perfect - they will grow up naturally knowing the relationship between you and your aunt/uncle so they’ll know they are grandparents through love and choice not genetic. Just be honest with them if they ask questions, talk about your mum too and it will just be their normal.

BottleCrow · 28/09/2019 08:30

Just tell them the truth. Why would that be weird? My grandparents were dead when I was born, it's not unusual.

user1474894224 · 28/09/2019 08:38

It's no big deal. Don't overthink it. Your kids won't care about blood, just love and time.

@Dontforgetyourbrolly sorry for you loss of your Nonna. I had a Nanny who as called Nanny by everyone. She passed at 95. We try to remember the good times rather than focus on what's gone.

GaudyNight · 28/09/2019 08:42

I’d also just like to say to the few who have posted such unhelpful comments. If you don’t have any advice that is supportive or constructive, then please don’t say anything. I put this post up for help. I do wonder if I seen you in public wether you would say these comments to my face. Probably not, suppose it’s easy when your hiding behind a phone.

No one has posted anything remotely 'unhelpful'. Your OP makes it all sound very mysterious, but if all you're doing is having your aunt and uncle play a roughly grandparental role in your children's lives, why the palaver? It's an entirely normal thing to do my son has 'uncles and aunts' who are not my or DH's siblings and I don't see why your children would be asking 'awkward questions'? Many children have grandparents who've been dead since long before they were born.

You're the one who used the term 'lied and tricked them', but if you are not literally telling your children that your aunt and uncle are actually their biological grandparents and your parents, then I don't see why they would feel lied to or tricked?

Isitme13 · 28/09/2019 08:59

My parents both died before I had dc.

My uncle steps in as grandparent - I call him eg Bob, and my dc call him uncle Bob.

He attends school for grandparents day, comes along to school plays and concerts etc as well as all the usual family stuff. My dc are aware he isn’t their grandparent, whilst still having the same relationship.

I think you can avoid any potential upset further down the line by being upfront about the relationships involved.

There is nothing magical about the labels nanny and grandad - it’s the people and connections that count.

81Byerley · 28/09/2019 09:00

Children accept things how they are. My grandchildren call my husband Grandad. They also have real Grandads. When they are older , if they do question why they call your aunt and uncle Grandparents, you just tell them. It won't be a problem.

Spookydot · 28/09/2019 09:05

Don’t over think this too much.
It’s wonderful that you’ve given your kids loving grandparents. Your kids won’t care that they aren’t your parents.
When/if they ask, just tell them the truth.
Grandparents just like parents are the ones who act like them. It doesn’t have to be biologically correct! And I think children are much more open to this than adults. For example my dads lovely wife IS granny as and always has been. My kids know she isn’t my mum and don’t care!

siriusblackthemischieviouscat · 28/09/2019 09:06

I know someone whose parents also died young. She has an amazing childminder (she is way more than a childminder) who has been in their lives for about 15 years. All of her children (not sure about the oldest) call them grandma and grandad. There is no confusion, her children know they are not their mums parents but they also play a very special part in their lives and are recognised as such by special titles.

mogtheexcellent · 28/09/2019 09:10

My dd is 5 and completely unaware that her grandaddy is not my dad but my stepdad. I have no contact with my real dad and my stepdad is the best parent and grandparent. I call him by his name and i guess the question will come up soon (my half brother asked questions at age 6 or 7) but kids are very accepting so dont be scared of telling the truth when she starts asking.

YobaOljazUwaque · 28/09/2019 09:20

I assumed the thread title meant that OP had been in a relationship with and got pregnant (more than once) by her own nephew.

However I think the best way to approach this is to say that we use the special names grandma and grandpa for the most special older people in our lives who are older than our actual parents and for most children that is their parents' parents but in this family you use those names for mummy's auntie and uncle. Tbh I would have said it was a bad idea to use the names grandma and grandpa and you would have been better to coin different affectionate names rather than using words which in actual reality mean my parents' parents.

GaudyNight · 28/09/2019 09:21

I assumed the thread title meant that OP had been in a relationship with and got pregnant (more than once) by her own nephew.

Well, it would explain some of the drama in the OP, which makes it all sound more like a soap opera plotline than just a matter of grandparents being dead so some other close relatives are playing a grandparental role.

Nogodsnomasters · 28/09/2019 09:22

My granny and grandad both died before I was born and my dad and his family were not apart of my life so I had no grandparents at all. I had a "pretend" granny who was actually my mums best friend who was 11 years older than her and considering my mum had me at 37 this lady was 48 when I was born so similar grandparent age. I knew she wasnt my mums mum because my mum called her by her first name but this lady treated me exactly like a granddaughter and I really appreciated it as otherwise I would not have had that experience/relationship. She passed away when I was 10 years old and I still think of her as my granny.

In short, I don't think you're doing anything wrong as long as the child grows up understanding that these people are your aunt n uncle.

katewhinesalot · 28/09/2019 09:23

I wouldn't wait till they are older to say something. Just mention your mum every now and then and say some version of "she's your real nanny but as she's not here then nanny and grandad want to be like your grandparents instead because they love you very much. Isn't that nice. Nanny x (your mum) would be very pleased that they are doing her job for her"

So call your mum Nanny x and just let them grow up always knowing the truth - just like the advice is for adopted children. It won't be a big deal if its no big reveal.

BendingSpoons · 28/09/2019 09:29

My 3yo is constantly asking questions e.g. Who is daddy's mummy? Why doesn't Sue (neighbour in her 80s) live with her mummy? She would happily accept an explanation about aunt/grannie etc.

Brown76 · 28/09/2019 09:35

Seems fine as long as you are honest with them about the Auntie/uncle thing. My kids call my dads partner Grandma and my own Grandma was called Grandma it Auntie by the younger generation of the family wherever she was their gran or not (but everyone knew the actual relationship). Auntie/Uncle X or Nanny X or what have you is fine.

mytvwatchesyou · 28/09/2019 09:47

I think it's lovely you've done this for your children. Families aren't all straightforward these days, so I really don't think it matters.

As long as you're honest when the time comes that they ask questions, I really don't see an issue

KUGA · 28/09/2019 09:54

I grew up with adoptive aunts and uncles who were actually just friends / neighbours of my parents.
It was in the 70s and was the norm. As long as your honest from an early age with the children I cant see the problem.
But what lovely Aunty and Uncle you have.
Bless them.

Botanic · 28/09/2019 11:35

Don’t over think it. Kids are accepting. Just something like ‘they wanted to be your nanny and grandad so much because they loved you. Isn’t it lovely they wanted you to be their grandchild’ when young. When they get older give more detail.

I was about 15 when I realised what most of my aunts/ uncles were just friends. I wasn’t at all upset. And they were just as special

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