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Parenting

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Original poster

we cancelled our son's 3rd birthday!!!

159 replies

yurtgirl · 19/09/2004 21:35

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Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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collision · 20/09/2004 22:12

TBH Yurty I am PG and due in November and am dreading it in a lot of ways. Dealing with ds and with a new baby and having our own business with no maternity leave etc etc I think your ds behaviour is probably down to lack of sleep and a reaction to the new baby and that you are entirely right to do what you did.

I spoke to DH about this thread last night and he agrees with you too......why reward bad behaviour and it isnt as if he is aware of it all. Stick to your guns.

BTW I have been on MN for a while and never started such a can full of worms like you did with this thread!!! Go Girl and I look forward to your further posts!!

Original poster

yurtgirl · 20/09/2004 22:13

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sobernow · 20/09/2004 22:16

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Shimmy21 · 20/09/2004 22:19

but perhaps by having the birthday (regardless of whether ds1 "deserves" it) you could have taken pleasure in him and being a family together (e.g. present from babe to dd to ds) and his joy could help you feel more positive about him?????

Shimmy21 · 20/09/2004 22:20

oops - mean present from dd to ds

Tortington · 20/09/2004 22:27

at 3 i bet hes not right fussed - at 13 he might kick off. something more immediate is loads better. i reckon at that age they are naughty cos they are bored, i used to let my eldest "wash the pots" stood on a stool, or play the drums with pans. help sort out the washing intoclours and put in the machine. "make a garden" ...mud n weeds. "paint the walls" old paint roller and water.

with " oh my am o proud of you. i couldnt do that your so clever and strong" kinds thing.

i was always able to use the " you are so good to me doing all these jobs while i look after the twins. your daddy will be so pleased you have doen the painting for him / dad will be so proud of your beautiful garden " etc. then if he did something wrong - like smack the babies i would put him in bed for 1/2 hour - this is the days before supernanny an leave em only for 5 mins - but he cried and came out - then i told himt o go back - then he was very sorry mummy - then he was a good boy.

at that age they really do want your attention - its more about planning what you can do if you are busy - which will keep them busy with minimum supervision.

carla · 20/09/2004 22:47

JD ... you are a (big, big heart) xxx

jamiesam · 20/09/2004 22:53

Wow, right in at the deep end with this thread.

Have to agree with comments about frightful threes - my ds1 has just turned three (and, err.. had his birthday party on the 18th!) and after thinking I'd got away without terrible two's, I think he might be toying with being a monster three year old. Probably a maturity thing for my ds - maybe more related to new baby for you Yurtgirl? Even with all the love in the world, there are lots of changes in your ds life recently - even just a more tired mum.

Also inclined to agree that looking forward to party more for parents at this age. It's sad that you missed the day but hopefully you will all enjoy it more in a month's time.

Hope things going OK with number 2. Will have to keep an eye out for your next thread...

StickyNote · 20/09/2004 23:01

Agree with Sobernow (including apology for pompous posting). The combination of (a) a 3 year old; (b) a new baby; and (c) tired parents is a complete recipe for disaster. You have my sympathy and I really hope your ds's birthday (!) is a truly happy family day for you all.

Original poster

yurtgirl · 21/09/2004 08:46

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Ghosty · 21/09/2004 09:12

Yurtgirl ... now that you have explained about your baby I understand a bit more about how you feel (although I still wouldn't cancel or postpone a birthday )
DS's behaviour was shocking after DD was born. Really shocking and I was devastated. I was totally thrilled with DD but DS's behaviour got me down to such a degree that I asked my doctor if it was possible to get PND twice with the same child . (I had it badly with DS but not with DD but DS's behaviour at the time of DD's birth set me into a tailspin on a number of occasions).
DS really really struggled with the whole thing. He loved his sister ... he adores her more than anything and I don't believe he realised that he was jealous (he was 4.2 when she was born) ... he had no jealous actions towards her, no jealous words ... but he was clearly jealous of the time that I had to give DD and he was hell to be around. He would do ridiculous things like run around all the furniture screaming his head off ... once when we had some visitors round (a new friend) he stripped naked, ran out into the garden and pissed on the grass screaming like a child possessed .
I remember one time sitting on the floor in his room ... baby screaming in her cot (hungry), him crying in my arms as I had just really told him off, me crying my head off ... I just sat there and told him that I wanted my sweet boy back and where had he gone? He looked at me with his big blue eyes and said, "I don't know mummy, I'll try and find him!"
I have to say that DD's first 3 months were the happiest AND the most difficult 3 months of my life .... apart from recovering from the birth, breastfeeding, sore c/s scar, sleepless nights, terrible behaviour of DS, I also had GUILT ... guilt that I had ruined his life by bringing this baby into it. There were quite a few evenings that DH would find me crying beside a sleeping DS and have to give me a strong talking to!
DS had no idea AT ALL why he behaved so badly ... he was too young(still is ... DD is only 7.5 months now) to reason with, too young to voice his emotions ... all he knew was that things were different, mummy and daddy were different, the whole world was different for him ...
Now, although not by any stretch an angel, he is fine. He still has his moments but he has accepted life as it is and we muddle through ... and nothing is so bad that can't be sorted with a big hug and a kiss with my DS ...
So ... although I still don't really agree with what you did I really understand what you are going through right now ... and believe me when I say, It will get better ...

ScummyMummy · 21/09/2004 09:20

What a lovely post, Ghosty. You're so wise.

Hope things get better for you and yours soon, yurtgirl.

Ghosty · 21/09/2004 09:27

Oh Scummy ...

Socci · 21/09/2004 16:22

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victoriapeckham · 21/09/2004 16:48

I don t know about PND but you seem to have attention seeking syndrome. How can you take away from this thread the idea you are vindicated and have support here?

You have a three-year-old obviously upset by a new sibling and acting up. So you cancel his big day. Now he will at very best be confused, at worst have lingering sense of hurt. Great move. Surely his first birthday since the baby would be a moment to reassure him how he is still centre of your world? Then he might calm down and behave better.

Socci · 21/09/2004 17:12

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hercules · 21/09/2004 17:19

I cannot imagine a good enough reason for cancelling certainly not behaviour dues to a new sibling. Kids need reassurement not punishment although i accept he wont be aware really anyway. Seems rather sad to me

What if he doesnt behave well enough to have his birthday reinstated?

hercules · 21/09/2004 17:20

So in answer to your question - yes,you were cruel.

crunchie · 21/09/2004 17:24

yurtgirl, I totally understand what you did and your reasons behind it. As you keep saying he does not 'know' that it was his b'day, therefore 'his' day hasn't been ruined. As a punishment I am not so sure on the effectiveness, but I can see why you wouldn't feel like spoiling a child who has been acting really badly.

Victoriapeckham I think you are being a bit harsh in your critisism, yurtgirl is not attention seeking, she is trying to canvas opinions on her actions.

Personally I have been tempted to do the same, I certainly threatened to cancel my 5 year olds party, but didn't as it was a joint one with her sister who was 3.

How many of us use 'Be good otherwise Father Christmas won't give you any presents' I remember a whole thread on this one. It that any worse?? That only works if the child can understand it, but I know masses of people who threaten this. OK not many would actually cancel/postpone a birthday, but I can understand why.

Twiglett · 21/09/2004 17:25

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hercules · 21/09/2004 17:27

Fair enough. I'm afraid I didnt read the whole thread.

bundle · 21/09/2004 17:28

agree with those who find this situation is not one that they endorse. also if he gets little presents all the time, then those are the ones I'd withdraw, not the birthday.

Socci · 21/09/2004 17:28

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Jimjams · 21/09/2004 18:08

Never underestimate the effect a new sibling can have. When ds2 was born, ds1 was just under 3- being autistic his emotions were more obvious than perhaps a "normal" child. He couldn't speak at all, or ask questions, or whinge or act out- and he couldn't understand what was said to him. He retreated completely, refused to come near me, got very very down, would scream at bedtime and wake screaming in the night banging his head on the wall.

Slowly things did improve but I felt awful for having ds2 and putting him through so much pain.

i don't think the few months after the birth of a new sibling are really the time to expect good behaviour, or for a child to be their usual "fab" self- their world has been changed too much.

bundle · 21/09/2004 18:14

i agree with jimjams, all children react differently and can often blame a newcomer (in their own logical world) for changes

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