we cancelled our son's 3rd birthday!!!

[yurtgirl]

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It is easy to get a thread off on the wrong track, yurtgirl. I do sympathise as I have done the same thing recently. As I understand it, you decided to move the party to a later date so that you would have better feelings about it and him at the time. As he is only 3 and doesn't even know about it, I don't see it coming up in a seesion with the psychologist sometime in the future. So, maybe just let him know that it is coming up and "Won't that be fun", etc. to change the energy back to something more positive. Perhaps getting him involved in the planning of it will get him focused on something other than his previous awful behaviour?

To be honest I don't really get it either. He may not be aware that it's his birthday, but how can you and your husband pretend otherwise? However "bad" he has been (and I have 2 young children myself), don't you want to make a fuss of him and call him birthday boy and make a big fuss about him being a big boy now that he's 3?

Like nutcracker I had to move my eldest daughter's 3rd birthday. We pretended it was a day earlier than it really was because the actual day was the first anniversary of her father's death. Even under those circumstances I ummed and ahed about whether it was the right thing to do.

I don't think you were cruel but I personally would not have done that.

So if your DS is 'naughty' in November/December will you postpone Christmas?????

sorry but i think it really wasnt the right thing to do. if my ds had been naughty then i would have thought it makes more sense to put a stop to the "weekly" gifts rather than to cancel his birthday. xmas, birthdays, halloween, easter...they were all things never celebrated in our house so i always try to make a big deal of them for my ds and will do the same for dd too...i want them to have nice memories of special occasions..but each to their own i guess.

Ban treats, sweets and chocolate, ban telly and videos, ban computer games, stop dessert after dinner, do a star chart, give goals (eg. if you get 7 stickers we'll go to the zoo) ... but please please please don't cancel a birthday!!! !!
Yurtgirl, like others I don't understand how this punishment works if he doesn't know his birthday is cancelled. Surely a punishment only works if the child understands that it is a punishment ... ie, "No video after bath tonight because you hit your sister" or something like that.
What concerns me is what you wrote at 9:57:02pm ... "it's more that parent/child bonds were so bad - he was making me feel really unhappy - that i wanted to give him presents and feel good about giving them - good behaviour rewarded by presents and love"
Surely we all love our children regardless of their behaviour? It isn't his job to make you happy ... he is only 3 ... he doesn't know that his behaviour is making you unhappy ...
We have had the most challenging year with my DS since he turned 4 and since his sister was born - he has done some terrible things (including kicking his 6 month old sister ) but it is BECAUSE I love him that we work at it ... and no matter how cross I get with him I ALWAYS tell him that I love him no matter what. And I couldn't imagine taking his birthday away from him ...
I think it is terribly sad that you cancelled his birthday.

Yurtgirl I totally understand where you are coming from and "get the point". You don't want to throw the party because you are annoyed with him and can't throw the party with the right attitude that you want to have on the day. We are currently planning DS's 5th birthday party and after a bad behavior day recently DH was saying he didn't want to to anything for DS's party which I entirely understood! For logistical reasons, I will go ahead & plan the party, but if DS has a really bad run of behavior he will be getting fewer prezzies than he might otherwise. When DS is winding us up we don't want to do anything nice for him, and I don't feel bad about changing plans (a bit) as a result.

Anyway, I "get it". Don't think you're being cruel at all.

I would imagine that one of the reasons that your mum is cross is because they had arranged to make the 2 hour journey to see you all and you cancelled at the last minute.But maybe they visit every month anyway so it does not involve a rescheduling of the trip?
For your son I doubt if it makes any difference as you say that he he has no idea what has gone on.But even if he did at 3,I don't think he would link the cancellation of the party with his behaviour over the last month.What are you going to do if he now behaves well for 3 weeks and then behaves badly again?
The main point here is that you link the love you feel for him with his behaviour and how he makes you feel.Its early days for you and your husband as far as bringing up a child is concerned and I think that you both need to rethink this idea.Having older children I can assure you that there will be many times before his 21 birthday that he will disappoint you with his behaviour, his performance at school, his choice of friends,how he speaks to you etc etc but surely the point of parents is that we love our children regardless.He is not here to make you feel better, you two though should always be there for him.

Sorry, I can't agree with your logic yurtmum. To me, a birthday is a celebration of a birth, an occasion to value a child being in the world, it's not just a present giving occasion. It's like a kiss goodnight, even after the most terrible of days. It's showing unconditional love - the love of a parent. There are so many other treats you can withhold. Withhold a few birthday presents, fine, but a birthday has too much significance.

I know your son may never know it's happenend. This one single incident will not affect him. Three hear olds can be a trial and rescheduling a birthday for a more conveneint time is not the end of the world. But, sorry if I am misreading you, but I get the impression you might do this sort of thing again, if you felt some resentment towards you son. Think of the millions of family occasions happening every day around the world where those gathered feel less than happy with others there. OK I do not have a huge family, but unconditional love (to children at least) is part of family life, surely? It's what I remember about my childhood and throughout my life I have drawn strength from my memories. I have lived with someone (my dh) whose self esteem was damged IMO due to his parents (kind, nice people) putting conditions on their love. So sorry I think good behavior = earning of love is an awful, dangerous equation and I hope you do not go down that route.

Yurtmum, are you finding parenting difficult overall? to me it sounds like you need some help with him. It's hard with your first child as it's new territory and you're hearing conflicting advice from all corners, MILs,friends, books etc...

Welcome to mumsnet btw

We have never canceled a part . I also think that I should explain the 'time out' Yurtgirl. This was not used as a punishment for my dd, and was not intended to be one. One year we had about 10 parties in the run up to christmas. Dd has 'seen' father christ mas in many of these. Along with this there was the build up in school with plays and chistmas dinners etc. All in all dd was totally wound up and over the top about things. She became quite hyterical and was over stimulated. So we bowed out of some of the less formal parties to give her some quiet family time to calm down. She was happier as a result, less hysteria and tears. This was not a punishment, as she didn't know that the parties had been organised in the first place. If you like it was the same sort of decision that you make not to take your kids to see great Aunt Whotsit because they are off the plot, and take them for a long bike ride insead. But I wouldn't cancel her birthday, apart for anything else it would be humiliating for the child.

I agree sobernow. My sons are 6 (almost 7) and just 4 and still I have days when I'm tearing my hair out.
It does get better though once their understanding improves, then new problems surface! DH and I were just saying yesterday how a couple of months ago DS2 (4) had been impossible at a place where now he's adorable. It's just a good job us parents are given selective memory

Generally, most kids reach the age of reason at around 6 years old. Until then, the only kind of punishment that would do much good is immediate punishment. They can't reason that they didn't get a party tomorrow for something they did yesterday. You're better off giving examples of good behaviour in the meantime, and looking at possible causes for his behaviour. If it is really much different than other 3 year olds, then maybe you should look at his diet or his environment. Is his behaviour a result of a reaction to some food he has eaten? Does he just need more attention?

I wouldn't hold back a birthday celebration for that reason. Our family usually has a small celebration (cake, usually) on the day of, but the party is often a different day or week, sometimes before or after the day. We all plan it ahead of time. Maybe you could still have a small celebration that day, telling him that you are so happy that he was born. I wouldn't even raise the subject of the bad behaviour as it really would not help at this point.

I wouldn't say you are cruel, just frustrated and not informed of other ways to deal with the problem.

By the way, I'm new too, and not from the UK. Does anyone mind if I contribute?

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contribute away, windycity

My oldest son, like hmb's dd, gets very overexcited about events and at times I have not taken him to things he does not know about. One thing is, though, that when the event actually happens, he is much better behaved than his run up excitiment would indicate. Last year he got really wound up about going on his first week-long school trip but once there he was fine. Mind you he is 10 now, so hopefully more in control of his emotions.

I still wouldn't have cancelled a birthday party. If he wasn't aware that it wasn't his birthday, then surely it defeats the object of "taking away his birthday" because of bad behaviour!

For improving bad behaviour, I still maintain that you deal with it there and then, not one month later! You do a sticker chart, remove toys/no treats etc - in fact I find it strange that you "cancel his birthday" yet shower him with presents all year round. I would stop buying him the "little" presents straight away and kept the birthday.

Also if you're 100% happy with your decision (and it is your decision, even if most of us disagree) WHY ask the question "was I cruel?"

Just to add, I have been through the "3yo horror" stage 3 times (and I would say it's worse than the Terrible 2s!) and there were times when they were so awful that I couldn't bear to look at them (particularly DD2!) - but that was MY problem not THEIRS, they were just testing their boundaries and my patience.

I am terrible at holding a grudge but you can't do it with kids. You deal with the problem there and then and move on.

I don't think it can be described as cruel because your DS isn't aware of it. I think it depends on what you see birthdays as. I personally don't think it's a big deal - under about 3 or 4, they haven't got the faintest idea whether it's their birthday or not, so no harm done. And tbh, I don't understand why people feel there has to be a party, with people round.

But I would just like to agree with others that with toddlers, sanctions have to be immediate, or they're pointless.

Just saw this.
Sorry, i'm against too, i think it's awful

When dd is a little difficult then i try to think that she's been good 90% and difficult for 10%.
He can't have been ALL bad and TBH, even if he was, it's his Birthday!!!
Are you bot going to kiss him and say Happy Birthday in the morning?
Also i agree with Windycity, a 2 year old can't grasp all that confusion, punishment needs to be pretty immediate.

I agree with Marthamoo's point. If you are so certain you did the right thing then why ask for opinions????

btw Still waiting to hear what ds had actually done.

So yurtgirl, what had he done that was so bad?

What is the pooint of punishing someone by cancelling something that they didn'y know was going to happen.

As others have said it is a bit harsh IMO - and you have to (again as others have said) punish children when they do the deed not afterwards!!

And for me nothing a 3 year old could do could have that bad that I would cancell his birthday!!

Maybe he needs positive praise and uinderstanding at 3 years rather than harsh punishments like this - it also seems that you are punishing yourself more then him!!

I can understand YG's POV, but I don't think this is the right thing to do. Sure, your son's behaviour is getting you down, but unfortunately this is all part and parcel of him growing up. FWIW, kids don't just suddenly behave perfectly because they have reached a certain age, but then again neither do adults. Throughout your son's life there are going to be lots of phases where he behaves well and you think "wow, my son is phenomenal" and then he'll wake up and be a little horror for a month. Lord knows what happens - hormone surges? - but something does.
So what are you going to do when he is going through the f'ing fours - cancel Christmas?

Dd has just had her 3rd b'day party and she most certainly would have understood if we'd cancelled it as we talked about it and prepared it for weeks beforehand.

I still can't see what your ds can have been doing that warranted the cancelled party, unless it's repeated, deliberate and malicious behaviour, which I kind of doubt many 2/3 year olds are capable of as they're too here-and-now.
Has he been violent at all, and that's why you didn't want him having the social contact? It'd be easier to understand if you told us a bit more.