we cancelled our son's 3rd birthday!!!

[yurtgirl]

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sigh, I don't really know what to say and I don't want to make Yurtgirl feel like everybody is against her, but I just think 'what if, God forbid, anything were to happen to your little one which would mean that his 3rd birthday was his last?' I know that's an awful thing to contemplate, and I don't mean to be cruel to you YG, but imagine how it would feel if you were unable to celebrate his future birthdays, no matter how much you wanted to? I am a firm believer in enjoying your kids' every waking moment, and sometimes when they have really tested my patience, and been, quite frankly, horrible, I have taken myself off to another room to get a grip which then makes it easier for me to be rational in my choice of 'punishment'. I'm not slating you YG, but I wouldn't, couldn't have done it myself. Welcome to MN by the way.

This made me feel very sad. Your son will only be three once in his life, and his birthday is surely a celebration for you as well has for him. For us, our daughter's 3rd birthday was the first that meant anything to her, and she would have been heartbroken to have had it taken away, especially as punishment for something she had done weeks and weeks before.

I also think that birthday presents aren't about making YOU feel good about giving them - they're about making HIM feel good about himself.

I agree with what others have said - if you need to punish a three year old it needs to be done there and then - and then all should be forgiven and forgotten. Dragging on a punishment seems needless to me, and certainly your child won't understand why you are still cross over something that he's completely forgotten about.

I also agree that my dd WOULD have known thats she wasn't having a party!

Marmaladesun, VERY morbid but VERY well said!
You made me think+

My ds's birthday is straight after Christmas and on his 3rd birthday we were going on holiday, changing planes so spent most of it hanging round airports etc. We took the decision to celebrate his birthday the day after we arrived so we could make a proper fuss of him and he, of course didn't notice at all and was quite happy. But I knew and it didn't feel right, and I'd never do it again. I would just spread the celebration over two days.

To have your 3rd Birthday taken away for bad behaviour is just too for words. What will you do if his behaviour doesn't improve??

TraceyP - totally agree with you. My ds2 was 3 a couple of weeks ago, I couldn't imagine not having his party, even though is is a little terror at times.

I have been stewing about this thread while I should be getting on with some work. This is what I have been thinking:
What is a birthday for when a child is so young?

1. Children's ideas of what their birthday means build up only gradually, but that does not mean any particular birthday does not matter. DD is only 20 months, but she has been to two birthday parties in the last couple of months and she is starting to understand that someone is 'special' on that day. Last Friday was her grandmother's birthday and the very first thing she said to her was 'Happy Birthday, Nana'. She also kept talking about birthdays all weekend. In a few months' time, she will see other people treating her as a 'special' person on her birthday, and she will gradually come to understand what it all means over the next few years.
2. This matters for lots of reasons. One is that she will get the message that the people around her think that her birthday matters, because she is important to them. Of course, you can show this to a child in lots of other ways, but birthdays are an important way of showing it.
3. Children's birthdays are important milestones for parents. They mark the transitions in the child's life, but also in parents' feelings about the child growing up. Cancelling a child's birthday may spoil how the parents feel about this process.
4. People do remember what happens to them when they are three. They might not remember the birthday being cancelled, but there will be a lost opportunity to tell the child you love him and this could become a pattern that the child will remember.

Sorry to go on for so long, but birthdays really do matter.

Angeliz, thanks for that; I tried to not make it too morbid, but really there was only one way of saying that. A friend of mine was driving last year in Germany with 3 of her 4 children when she hit black ice and lost control of her car. Her youngest 2 children were killed outright, her oldest daughter suffered injuries and she herself had spinal injuries. Thankfully her eldest son wasn't in the car at the time. To have that point hammered home in such a horrific way really does put things into perspective. The accident happened not long before Christmas, and had she 'cancelled' Christmas the previous year she would never have gotten another chance to celebrate it with the little ones. I myself used to drive along the same road nearly every day and it could so easily have been me and my children. It just makes you re-evaluate what's important. Children are only on loan to us.

I can see where Yurtgirl is coming from - the cancelling is not so much the "punishment" as not wanting to appear to her ds that she is to "rewarding" him ds with loads of presents despite the fact that he has been misbehaving.

At 3, they don't really yest understand the idea of birthdays - or of time - so even if it is re-scheduled for a month's time, he will still enjoy it on the day and not realise that there has been a delay. He will not know that it has been more than 12 months since his last birthday - and that there will be less than 12 months until his next birthday.

So no, I don't think you were cruel. And if your current regime of tractor stickers for good behaviour (presumably to be rewarded with presents he was going to get anyway?) is working, then GREAT.

Having said that, I PERSONALLY would have been disappointed in a similar situation, because, as others have said, at that age, the celebration is more about the PARENTS celebrating the day (and because I'm a big kid and love celebrations! ). After all, it was YOU that went through the birth on that day! But if you and your dh are happy with your decision to postpone, then that addresses that potential concern.

So I would suggest just saying to your mother that you and your dh are happy that you made the right decision and that in your view you are not cruel as he didn't know it was going to happen anyway. If you WANT to, you can explain that you didn't want to appear to reward his bad behaviour with loads of presents - but that you would like her to share in the day when you do have it. But I'd be careful about doing that - you don't want to have to justify your every parenting decision to her.

Prettybird, I would have to agree with you on your last point; that you do not have to justify your parenting decisions to anyone, not even your own mother. I used to do this, until I realised that things are very different now to when she was bringing us up, and that actually she made some mistakes and is therefore not infallible and above all...I am my children's mother, not her and I have to live with the consequences of whatever I decide to do regarding my children. My mother disagrees with many of my parenting choices, but I do them anyway

Prettybird, while I agree with you that no-one should have to justify their parenting decisions, I feel that this is, if not a wrong decision then a misguided one. I don't agree that 3 year olds don't understand about birthdays. My dd may not have much understanding of the passage of time but she does understand what a birthday is and that it's a special day which only comes every year.

It is my understanding that yurtgirl feels she would be rewarding bad behaviour by celebrating her son's birthday, but I really do feel that if he doesn't equate his behaviour with the punishment then it's not a fitting punishment - and that, to me, is quite cruel.

My 15 year old ds was really being naughty before his last birthday, playing up and school and not handing homework in on time (usual teenage stuff) and even at that age I definately wouldn't cancel his birthday! Like most on here I'm shocked and think it is a really mean thing to do. Every birthday is an important memory for the child and family. He will never have another third birthday. Punish in some other way he can understand better.

Just wondered if anyone's seen Yurtgirl posting? Hope she hasn't decided against it now as we all need help with our parenting

I'm afraid I agree with the other posters, but perhaps you can apply your discipline in a slightly different way? I had routine behaviour issues with ds and on certain occasions deprived him of treats, but I never cancelled an unconditional treat like a birthday, because I wanted him to feel loved. What I do instead is point to an "optional extra" sort of treat, like trip to a puppet show, or trip to a cafe for hot chocolate, which I don't regard as an important part of his development and education, and tell him that if he is good, then I will take him, and when I did cancel things like that, it wasn't as big a deal as missing something like a birthday party. It is also lovely when he is very good and feels that he has made an extra treat happen.

Juniper, I hope she hasn't been put off. I started a thread a while ago in all innocence which included an article I had seen on the web. It provoked reactions similar to the ones that YG received, and I was pretty upset, but as I had been a regular on MN for a while I knew that this was unusual and most of the time we all get along tickety-boo. She's a new poster, however, and she may have got the impression that we are all a bit hostile which we're most definately not. Like I said before, I disagree with what she did, I wouldn't have done it myself but she did what she felt right. Hope she comes back.

TraceyP - I don't think I can have expressed myself clearly - what I meant is that yurtgirl's ds was not being PUNISHED - impossible if he didn't know it was his birthday - but he was also not being REWARDED - which is what he might have though with all these presents suddenly appearing out of the blue.

I know my ds last year on his 3rd birthday wasn't aware until he actually received his presents that that particular day was anything special - and we had left it for a month, it would have made no difference to his pleasure.

It was only this year that he started to understand the concept of anticipation - and looking forward to his birthday.

This is extracted from Mumsnet's "What to expect at 4 years" - "He can now understand the time in terms of there being a future. First he gets the hang of times of the day, then days and then weeks. He still isn't sure how long each one is, as witnessed by car journeys and "Are we nearly there yet?" This very much fits ds' stage of development. At 3 he had NO concept of time - except something that was maybe 2 minutes into the future.

SO yurtgirl's ds WASN'T being punished as he didn't know about it. He just wasn't being given presents on that date because he MIGHT (because he doesn't yet understand about birthdays) have seen it as a reward - or that it doesn't matter if he does bad things, he still gets loads of nice presents. He will STILL have a special day - and will probably remember it next year - as his "birthday". However, as I said, because he doesn't have a concept of time (certainly not of weeks/months), he won't know that it was less than a year previously - unless someone tells him (Yurtgirl - that IS something you need to think about - he MAY feel resentment in the FUTURE - but only if someone. eg your mother, makes a point of telling him that his birthday celebrations weren't on the day itself and why)

Having said all of that, I did get a wee bit concerned at dh this year prior to ds' 4th birthday, threatening to cancel his party if he didn't behave - as we had no intention of following through the threat!

Fortunately ds behaved!

I know prettybird, we all say stuff we don't mean. I've said I'm running away before now

this reminds me, when ds2 was being particularly bad a mum at nursery said if she had one like him she'd smother him then laughed as if it was a joke ffs

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phew!! thank God you're back

Now start a thread on his behaviour and see the support come rolling in! I'll be one of them

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Yurtgirl - his behaviour doesn't sound trivial - it's pretty bog standard behaviour for a three year old, though. I felt quite smug that my dd didn't go through the "terrible twos", but nobody had told me that there's such a thing as the "frightful threes" as well.

I'm sorry you feel we've misunderstood your reaction to your son's behaviour. I said before that no-one has the right to make you justify your parenting and I do believe that, but after a while on MN you'll realise that everyone has very strong opinions - and if you ask for them you'll get them!

Please keep coming back, I look forward to seeing you post in the future.

yurtgirl you are most welcome to come and chill in the yurt we have here on MN

Noooo yurtgirl is a cool name. You were very open and honest so don't feel bad. We all have different ways of parenting hun. I've learnt so much from this site and if I'd put some of the things I've said and done, well....you can imagine. We're all in the same boat so keep that brill name and enjoy it here xx

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