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Original poster

Witnessed my friend smack her 2.5 year old - very upset

107 replies

Mytype · 28/07/2019 17:38

Okay so I know this is a sensitive subject and people have different opinions but my friend is very strict with her child and in my opinion a bit too strict and regimented but her child her parenting I guess.
She often does time out and makes her apologies which fair enough but this afternoon we went over for a play day and I witnessed her smacking her child on the bum quite hard.
For simple reasons like not sharing which in my opinion all kids do it and she is only 2.5 years old! I came home and burst into tears, it has really upset me seeing her do it and the child grabbing her bum in pain and crying 😢
I like my friend but I don’t agree with this at all and I don’t know how to feel

OP posts:
Baguetteaboutit · 28/07/2019 20:30

Oh for crying out loud, toughen up.

MissClareRemembers · 28/07/2019 20:30

There was a thread on here a couple of weeks ago where the OP’s mum had hit OP’s child. The smacking mum was universally condemned.

Here apparently, we have an entirely different subset of MN!

Smacking a child is unpleasant, unnecessary and pointless. It doesn’t teach them “to share” or “take turns”, it teaches them that an adult is volatile and unpredictable and likely to hurt them for baffling reasons.

I also cannot understand this idea of smacking a child if they touch the oven or run into the road?? It’s like “shit!! You nearly got hurt!!! Right, now I’M going to hurt you because I didn’t want you to get hurt.”

Makes no sense.

FireDoDoDoDooo · 28/07/2019 22:08

My aunt used to smack my cousin hard enough that he would cry. On a regular basis. He used to cry so much, it would upset me and I would cry. I was 7. I still knew it was horrible.

I don't think OP is reacting at all. By the time my cousin was 5, smacking had ZERO impact on him and guess what! He used to go around smacking people. They don't have a good relationship now (he is in his 20s).

All those saying "it never hurt me" well lucky you. People react in different ways. I remember being smacked a couple of times and no it didn't scar me for life but it certainly affected my cousin. And honestly the effectiveness didn't take long to wear off!

Hermagsjesty · 28/07/2019 22:10

I would be very upset by that too.

Whosorrynow · 28/07/2019 22:14

Sharing is something that we should associate with kindness, making people happy, what she is doing is training this tiny person to feel as if sharing is linked with punishment and humiliation

As for punshiment biting, I find that appalling 😔

Breastfeedingworries · 28/07/2019 22:21

I have ended a friendship over this, an old friend of mine had three children at the time there were 2,6,7. She smacked the 7 year old really hard with a slipper repeatedly . I could hear the screaming from downstairs. I went up and told her if she didn’t stop I’d call the police. I did anyway and we aren’t friends.

I don’t think violence solves anything or teaches a child anything but to be afraid of their parent. You lose the battle, you’re in the wrong if you hurt your child. Anyone saying you should toughen up op is completely wrong! 2.5 is developmentally not old enough to really get sharing yet. The consequence should be removing what they’re not sharing.

Listen to your gut, this friend might need support but they need to know it’s wrong.

Sorry it upset you, it would massively upset me too. Flowers

CarlaJones · 29/07/2019 02:45

2.5 is developmentally not old enough to really get sharing yet
Agree. All they'll really understand is that their mum sometimes assaults them.

Weezol · 29/07/2019 03:00

EleanorOalike Can you call Social Services? I have over something similar.

Bugbabe1970 · 29/07/2019 03:34

Perhaps if parents taught their children manners and disciplined appropriately at a young age then we wouldn’t have the problems we have today.

You don't have to hit children to discipline them. Use your words! That child is 2 years old, it's disgusting that the mother can't discipline her without hitting the poor child 😡

Fizzypoo · 29/07/2019 08:28

Social services are not going to investigate a mum smacking her child once.

Social services investigate, neglect and abuse. The mum might at best be referred to an early help parenting course.

I still don't understand why you didn't say, jheeze friend what is up with you to be so annoyed. Your reaction would have helped her see it from anothers perspective and most likely have made her realise it's not the beat way.

Every parent can get overwhelmed and resort to learned behaviours from their childhood. Being a friend instead of creating a moral outrage on here would have been a much kinder action imo.

Superworried41 · 29/07/2019 09:09

Can you call Social Services? I have over something similar.

Called SS because of one smack on the bottom?

CarlaJones · 29/07/2019 09:59

Social services investigate, neglect and abuse. The mum might at best be referred to an early help parenting course
That would be good. She needs a parenting course.

Coolcoolcoolcoolcool · 29/07/2019 10:18

Perhaps if parents taught their children manners and disciplined appropriately at a young age then we wouldn’t have the problems we have today. except the people in power causing the problems are old enough to remember when smacking was the norm. Even people in their 20s remember when smacking was the norm.

ethelfleda · 29/07/2019 20:22

I would have been the same, OP. I’d have found that distressing and I think your friend is completely out of order.

Children are not unruly these days because of lack of smacking for fucks sake! They’re unruly because of lack of boundaries... there are many different ways to teach a child boundaries that doesn’t involve bullying them!
I also think children probably have a lack of empathy here days also - again a problem NOT cured by being violent towards them. I find it disgusting.

itsnotallrainbows · 29/07/2019 20:25

Okay so, sorry for the late reply! It’s been on my mind ever since I posted this and after a long chat with my mum about the way I feel I decided to express this to friend.
I have sent her a long message saying how it made me feel uncomfortable and upset, friend has read the message and I haven’t got a reply. I’m guessing she is pretty angry at the moment

Naughty1205 · 29/07/2019 20:37

YANBU op, I'd have cried too. In fact I'd probably have addressed it there and then, expressed my horror and left. She would be no friend of mine after that.

DoingItForTheKids · 29/07/2019 20:40

@itsnotallrainbows have you changed your username since you originally posted??

Fizzypoo · 29/07/2019 20:48

Yes but did you send her a text filled with moral outrage, or did you send her a text asking if she was struggling?

itsnotallrainbows · 29/07/2019 20:53

@doingitforthekids yes I have haha!
@fizzypop no outrage at all on the message, I just said to her I don’t want to cause offence and I understand people have diff parental styles but it made me uncomfortable and really upset and that I don’t agree with it and mentioned other ways to discipline a child. I said that she is my friend and I could tell her anything and be honest with her.

AliMonkey · 29/07/2019 20:55

I am not proud of the fact that I did smack my DC on a handful of occasions. A couple of times because they did something really dangerous and I was in shock at what could have happened. And also a couple of times when I was at the end of my tether and struggling to cope. On all occasions I apologised to DC shortly after and said “I shouldn’t have done that”.

Is it possible that your friend is really struggling and needs help (parenting course or simply the occasional hour to themselves or another pair of hands)? Not saying what she did was right, just that she may also not think it was right but lashed out and would appreciate help not condemnation.

In the other hand, she may think it’s OK and do it frequently and you would then be right to make it clear that you don’t think so and probably have a word with appropriate safeguarding people. There’s lots of threads in here ( saw one earlier) about SS calling to offer help in similar situations, not threatening to take the kids away.

Losttbh · 29/07/2019 20:57

People are so mean. You weren't there to know if she was 'over the top for crying'.
Hitting a child that young as well is disgusting. Anyone justifying this probably does the same so are on the defensive.

Fizzypoo · 29/07/2019 20:59

But that is moral outrage. Honestly she's probably going to tell you to go fuck yourself and then cry her eyes out. I don't think she is really your friend is she? I would have supported a friend who reached her breaking point, not heaped it on about how shit you think her parenting is. Hmm

itsnotallrainbows · 29/07/2019 21:05

@fizzypoo I have only give you a small snippet of what I have said, I did say I sent a long message. I haven’t said she is a shit parent I have always praised her and been a good friend.
And why are you assuming she is breaking point, it’s actually how she prefers to discipline not because she has had a bad day it’s a regular thing

Aria999 · 29/07/2019 21:13

@AliMonkey me too.

Ihaventgottimeforthis · 29/07/2019 21:21

Would everyone be appalled if OP's friend had smacked her round the face?
Yes they would. So why is it ok to smack a tiny child and cause them pain and shock?
I don't blame you OP it would have upset me too.