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Parenting

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Witnessed my friend smack her 2.5 year old - very upset

107 replies

Mytype · 28/07/2019 17:38

Okay so I know this is a sensitive subject and people have different opinions but my friend is very strict with her child and in my opinion a bit too strict and regimented but her child her parenting I guess.
She often does time out and makes her apologies which fair enough but this afternoon we went over for a play day and I witnessed her smacking her child on the bum quite hard.
For simple reasons like not sharing which in my opinion all kids do it and she is only 2.5 years old! I came home and burst into tears, it has really upset me seeing her do it and the child grabbing her bum in pain and crying 😢
I like my friend but I don’t agree with this at all and I don’t know how to feel

OP posts:
DeepDarkWoods · 28/07/2019 18:58

People have done terrible things throughout the generations, it doesnt make it right. I would have been upset as well. I wouldn't want to see her again.

Chocolatedaim · 28/07/2019 19:01

You definitely didn’t over react Op, if anything you didnt react enough, I would have had to say something to your friend at the time.
It’s abusive parenting and it’s awful

NerrSnerr · 28/07/2019 19:01

The problem is that with generations gone by is that if often didn't stop at a 'smack' and where do you draw the line between discipline and abuse and how many children have suffered in silence because 'smacking' is normal when they're actually being beaten significantly.

Crazybunnylady123 · 28/07/2019 19:01

@Butterbeeeen
I love my daughter. She’s only 2. I would never hit her. I would never hurt my own child.
Hitting children is wrong, it is showing them how to be violent.
I would get upset if I saw it happen as well op.

NerrSnerr · 28/07/2019 19:01

(With a couple of full stops in there!)

Coolcoolcoolcoolcool · 28/07/2019 19:07

Not overreacting at at all. Smacking at that age is redundant because they don't understand that it is a consequence of what their actions. Plus, it's cruel especially over something as small as not sharing.

I would stop being friends with her, and let her know why if I was feeling brave enough. It might make her question her disciplinary style, it might not, but your not going to see her again so what have you got to lose?

MadgeMak · 28/07/2019 19:11

I don't think you're overreacting at all. I was smacked as a child and it affected me deeply, it eroded my confidence and self esteem to such a huge extent.

There is absolutely no good reason to hit a child, there are many other ways to discipline and reinforce good behaviour. Smacking is not only physically painful but also emotionally damaging and humiliating.

clottedcreamoverjam · 28/07/2019 19:14

Horrible stuff. I would not meet up again, what if my DC saw that???

In my opinion, as babies grow, it is normal that your parenting style grows differently than that of some friends. Some things I accept and some I don't. Smacking a 2.5 year old shows ignorance, aggression, and very little effort into researching how to actually parent so I would not have time for that person.

Of course the "I was smacked and turn out fine" brigade and the "you have to discipline your children" team will be around spreading their message

clottedcreamoverjam · 28/07/2019 19:18

Here we go
Grin
This is exactly what it wrong with society now. A mother disciplines her own child in a way that parents have done for generations and everyone says it's abuse, phone social services or go home and weep. The world has gone mad.

Ah! Because everything that was done for generations was such a good idea GrinGrin

PatchworkElmer · 28/07/2019 19:23

I would’ve been upset too, OP. One of my friends has told me that she’s tried smacking her 2 year old as a form of discipline, I do think less of her because of it. I can understand that sometimes small children can drive you to the brink- DS did this last week actually- but I’m a grown up and walked into the next room to take a few deep breaths. Smacking represents a total lack of control as far as I’m concerned.

ahumanfemale · 28/07/2019 19:26

@EleanorOalike same here. I was told if I called childline they'd take me away from her and/or I'd have to live in care and she'd lose her job.

I would still tell the school after the holidays. Everybody is focusing - I have too - on the physical aspect but what she's saying is even worse. Hitting her is just the cherry on top.

DandyLyon · 28/07/2019 19:27

You're not overreacting, it's deeply upsetting to see a grown adult hit a vulnerable child. And teaching a child that violence is ok doesn't sound like discipline to me. Or logical. To me, to discipline means to teach, not to punish through violence and humiliation.

I was smacked like this as a child and it certainly affected me and it makes me feel sick to think of it now. In fact, since having my own children I feel much more resentful towards (and less respect for) my parents. I absolutely understand why you feel upset. I wouldn't be able to continue meeting up with this person because I would not want to witness that again.

ahumanfemale · 28/07/2019 19:31

This is exactly what it wrong with society now. A mother disciplines her own child in a way that parents have done for generations and everyone says it's abuse, phone social services or go home and weep. The world has gone mad.

I suppose you also think there's nothing wrong with marital rape, domestic violence, FGM in the parts of the world where it's a normal part of child rearing and has been for millennia (not "just" generations), hell, why stop there, slavery lasted for generations too! All these things were gotten rid of for very good reasons. Adults hitting adults is a criminal offence. Adults hitting tiny, tiny kids is A-OK though?! Geez.

Nonnymum · 28/07/2019 19:34

I think I would probably try to cool the friendship. I wouldn't want my child to see anyone hitting their child. And I can understand why you were upset,

TheRedBarrows · 28/07/2019 19:35

She sounds horrible.

‘Sharing’ is not a concept small children can understand. Letting someone take turns is a more tangible idea for them to grasp but to smack a child hard enough to cause lasting pain for not sharing is nasty and cruel.

I would talk to her about it.

Say ‘do you smack XX like that a lot?’ ‘It seemed quite shocking to me .... are they at an age to understand?” Etc.

Also I would tell her that you will not take your child to play because you don’t want your child to see another bring hit.

ahumanfemale · 28/07/2019 19:36

OP the issue about your own child seeing this in future is hard. This was a problem I had too and conveying to my child that this would NEVER happen to him was difficult, because he say this man who was virtually and uncle doing it to one of his little friends. How confusing is that for a toddler...

Tavannach · 28/07/2019 19:37

simple reasons like not sharing

Sharing is the most difficult things we ever learn in life (unless we are one of a pair of twins) so to smack a toddler for not being able to do it is totally out of order. It suggests she doesn't have that patience to teach her.
Smacking is assault and I don't know why people think it is acceptable to hit someone younger and more vulnerable than yourself. Children learn by example and it teaches all the wrong lessons.
I would tell her that.

BarryMcguigan · 28/07/2019 19:46

I'd have reacted exactly the same as you - maybe even cried when I saw it. To see a mother hit a child hard enough for them to react and be upset is child abuse and should be reported

CarlaJones · 28/07/2019 19:47

www.newscientist.com/article/2151013-scotland-has-banned-smacking-children-so-should-everyone-else/

"there is no good evidence that smacking will benefit a child. Parents might find that children are more obedient if they fear another smack, but this effect is only temporary. In the long run, children who are smacked are more likely to misbehave, and to engage in delinquent, criminal or antisocial behaviour. Worse, they are more likely to develop mental illnesses.

The science isn’t even new. Smacking is thought to be the most studied aspect of parental behaviour, with reams of research published since the 1960s. Almost all of it finds that physically punishing children can have disastrous consequences in later life.

Future harm
At least five meta-analyses have been conducted on the effects of smacking, assessing around 200 individual studies overall. They show that parents who smack their children are unsurprisingly less likely to have a good relationship with them. And children who are spanked are more likely to experience emotional and physical abuse and neglect.

These studies also find that smacked children are more likely to go on to be aggressive themselves – initially with their peers, and later with their own children and partners. People who were smacked as children are also at a higher risk of having low self-esteem, depression or alcohol dependency.

Earlier this year, a group of psychiatrists in the US claimed that spanking was so harmful, it should be considered an “adverse childhood experience”, alongside neglect and having a parent in prison."

puppy23 · 28/07/2019 19:49

YANBU at all, I'd be horrified at seeing anyone do that, especially to such a young child. I'll admit my judgement may be clouded having grown up with a mother who took great joy and amusment from hitting me as hard as she could, but I just don't think children should ever be hit by their parents.

Spanglyprincess1 · 28/07/2019 19:49

Depends what the child did. Smacking to stop them getting hurt eg don't touch the oven and they keep doing it then yes!
My mom rarely smacked expect to stop us doing so thing serious which would hurt us.

clottedcreamoverjam · 28/07/2019 19:53

Depends what the child did. Smacking to stop them getting hurt eg don't touch the oven and they keep doing it then yes!
A fabulous idea.
Takes me right back to being 6 years old, burning my hand on the stove and hiding it from my parents worried about their reaction.
Third degree burns. Until the crying and screaming woke them up at night.

zeddybrek · 28/07/2019 19:53

I support you OP, it is upsetting and unnecessary.

Say something to your friend, she sounds awful and that poor child needs you to say something to her more than you need this friendship.

AutumnCrow · 28/07/2019 20:03

The idea that biting toddlers teaches them not to bite is still very prevalent, unfortunately.

Thesearmsofmine · 28/07/2019 20:18

I would be very upset too OP and I would distance myself from her (and tell her why).

I wasn’t smacked as a child and managed to grow up into a decent law abiding adult. Children don’t need to be smacked and I have never and will never smack my dc.

Even the excuse of a child being hurt is crap, if a child runs into the road or touches something hot etc that is the fault of the adult who has allowed that situation to happen, not a small child.