No idea what to do with DS (12) Dreading the summer holidays.

[sugarbum]

DS is 12. He has always been 'tricky' (which is code for really hard work)

He has never liked days out /activities and he has never had a close friendship with anyone. FWIW I believe him to be on the spectrum, but his headteacher disagreed with me and basically said that if the child is not a disruptive at school (he isn't - he is a daydreamer and says quiet) then they won't get referrred.

When he was little, we could take him to a park/soft play at least, and that would distract him for an hour or two. These days, its a major operation to get him to leave the house.

He's in the midst of puberty, which means he's even more hard work than usual as in sulky, flies off the handle at the slightest thing, rude, lazy etc etc. He is low in confidence and I don't think this helps matters. He has zero empathy and does not care about the effect his behaviour has on anyone. He blames everyone else for everything.

The ONLY thing he likes doing is playing roblox on his pc.
We limit his time, as his behaviour is worse the more he is on this, however he doesn't know what to do with himself. He won't go down the park. He doesn't have friends (he has alienated himself from the only one he did have by ignoring him when he came round)
He makes days out miserable for everyone with his whingeing so we rarely bother as a family now and one of us just takes the youngest (DS9)

We feel he is too old (and too big) for holiday clubs - what would be ideal is something directed at his age group but they all tend to be 5-12 and he hates being stuck with smaller kids (he is considerably larger than the average 12 year old at 5ft 8 and built like a tank so he is very conspicuous) I know there are the pgl type 'holidays' but I don't think sending him away will beneficial to him even though we could do with the break. He has a school residential (2 days) coming up and he is dreading it, but we have put our foot down about that one. I am praying that he will enjoy some of it at least.

I honestly don't know what to do with him. He literally dislikes doing everything, and finds a problem/fault with anything we suggest. Nor is he a child who 'likes it when he gets there'. He doesn't. Ever.

I don't even know what I'm asking for. Advice on how to cope. Advice on how to handle him. Advice on what the hell to do with him come the summer?

Send him to a summer military camp. Some work and responsibilities would be good for him.

What is he dreading about the residential? There are so many different kinds of summer camps ( so not all sporty, some STEm based) but you may have left it too late.

@sooverthemill He doesn't like group activities - he is self conscious and awkward. He is not terrible at physical stuff but he's not great at it either, and he thinks hes sh*t at everything (he isn't) He struggles to interact with other children so just turns into grunt monster. He has body issues because of his size and the fact he is more developed than other children his age. He has issues with germs, so shared accommodation repulses him.

I know you said the only thing he likes doing is playing Roblox but does he have any interests - anything he likes to read books about etc that you could link activities to?

Also, where abouts are you based?

Is this something that could work for him? I know it's only one days worth of activity and money could be an issue but... www.thenvm.org/

He sounds exactly like my eldest! There are lots of things for older kids, check out things like coder dojo which is about teaching them computer skills. Or things like geocaching. My eldest has discovered a real love for dungeons and dragons too and has joined a club - he's much more comfortable in situations where there are rules and it's clear what they're going to be doing rather than just hanging around.

@newmomof1 thank you. We're in Cambridgeshire. I've taken him to something similar (we have museum of computing near to us in Cambridge which does activity nights.) He didn't like that either - because there are too many people in there and the keyboards are 'dirty'

We are desperate to find him books to read. He doesn't read much. He is working his way through the hunger games and seems to be enjoying that.

@donkeyhotay I will look up dungeons and dragons.

Send him to a summer military camp. Some work and responsibilities would be good for him

Surely a joke? As if not that's probably one of the most ridiculous things I have ever read on this forum

OP I have a 16 and 12 year old, both with autism. One thing I have learned is that neuro-typical teens very often thrive on company, their friends and outside stimulation but for autistic teens and youngsters the reverse is true. They need to be alone to self regulate and organise themselves both physically and mentally. I can't tell you how much easier life has got since I accepted this and let them just do their own thing. I chivvy them out every now and then only after a few days of preparation and talking through what we will be doing and if I do that well they're usually looking forward to it. After though they need a few days down time to "recover". It's fine and perfectly normal.

Btw did you know you could refer yourself if you'd like your child assessed? I'd go and see your GP as a first step.

I've seen the tech camps advertised around here. Like www.firetechcamp.com/ Would he be interested in that? It's for older kids so he definitely won't be the oldest.

@CarolDanvers unfortunately it doesn't work that way here. I already saw the GP. It has to go through school. GP will not do anything at all without the schools say so.
To be fair, I don't particularly 'need' an official diagnosis though, as he functions well enough and whilst it took a while for him, he is coping with the challenges of secondary now. Some days he even says are 'ok' (high praise from him)

What you have said though about your children, whether or not my son has autism, rings true. He does not thrive in an atmosphere that is busy /noisy. He needs to know exactly where we are going and whats happening otherwise I struggle to get him downstairs.

This is also exactly like my eldest, who is 13. He also thinks he's rubbish at everything and has a thing about 'germs'. I also think he's on the mild of spectrum. He likes Fortnite and collecting things (Match Attax, Hot Wheels, coins) and trying to sell stuff on eBay. He is going to a camp for 3 days with younger ones though. He's quite immature so the age thing isn't too bad but I think next year he'll be too old. We've given him responsibility with chores in the house and he enjoys family games like rummikub and monopoly. Hoping he may cycle a bit more this summer.

What about something like biodiversity monitoring like this: nbn.org.uk/record-share-explore-data/start-recording-wildlife/ It would get him outside and he wouldn't have to interact with anyone if he didn't want to. There are different monitoring programmes, this is just one I found on Google. Disclaimer: I'm going to try this kind of thing with DD2 but haven't started it yet so don't know how suitable it is for this age group.

DD2 aged 11 isn't on the spectrum but hates any kind of organised activity and won't see friends unless forced to which seems wrong. The holidays where we live last 9 weeks and I feel a kind of dread at the approach of the summer, so I feel your pain!

If he got inspired by a project in the next few weeks then he might enjoy spending hours on it in the summer, even just at home in front of a screen.

Does he have a Raspberry Pi?

Is there anything else you can think of that he might be interested in building or making? I taught myself to build my own bicycle pretty much from scratch, that any good?

There's computer camps now, something stem based might allow him to meet others like him. Perhaps just a short one to see if he likes it. Dd was just like him (diagnosed asd at 2) and very hard work but I persevered and made her come - she now goes to castles and churches to visit alone!

That's interesting, Carol. Or house is v noisy. DH and ds2 are v v v loud. I'm not sure ds1 ever gets to relax at home although we did go to considerable effort to get him a room of his own. He loves organising his cars or football cards as a form of relaxation.

Would he be up for a ‘project’ to do during holidays e.g. online coding academy or something like geocaching challenge (to get outdoors) or Pokemon Go?

I wish I could help but mine also refuses everything. I hope to allow a week of downtime then insist on a residential eg PGL or planned outings every day or two. I would like to ban screens for part of the day but anticipate explosions. I don’t know what one can do at this age when they refuse any activities.

Perhaps ban screens before lunch. That's worked well before for us. Mornings can be sleeping in, reading, breakfast, shower, chores etc.

@nosquirrels
I'm currently looking up geocaching. He has limited amounts of data though. does he need internet for that? I would happily go with him.

I just found some courses near(ish) to us that look quite good. I'm going to ask him if he would be interested (I know his first reaction will be no)
They are week long but day courses. such as Junior Augmented Reality And Virtual Reality (AR/VR) and creative digital design. And video game design. etc. We could afford to do one set.
I need to contact them to see how many places there are on each course. He needs a decent amount of 1 to 1 for him to respond to anything. If its too much like a classroom scenario it won't work.

See if you can find summer camps with a techy focus so that he will be doing things he enjoys with kids like him. It would be nice and confidence building for him to meet other similar kids.

Geocaching is great fun, it shouldn't use loads of data.

I find tricky adolescents are happier when worn out from spending time in nature - maybe its producing endorphins or maybe it's just they are too tired to be as grumpy. So I would try with the physical activities.

Assuming you have time and funds, maybe a family canoing trip- you are all together but apart iyswim? You don't need to be particularly good but there is a sense of achievement that could help self esteem. Plus the sound of water might mask some of the moaning....

@getupagain we've tried canoeing as a family. It went down like a lead balloon LOL. The whingeing was unbearable. Seriously. He doesn't even like theme parks.

If you are thinking about geocaching, I recommend hte c:geo app for your phone. Register and set up an account at hte official geocaching site, but you can then use your account settings on the c:geo app, which is much easier to use.

You won't need Premium membership to start with so see how you go.

Data-wise you do need to have a 'live' map to help track the sites, but you can download hte site details to use offline.

I think the tech based things might be positive for him. Also geocaching is very popular with some autistic youngsters I know. I wonder about a project he could do at home? Or maybe an online course ( groups has tons)? A raspberry Pi? Getting him to take something apart and put it back together? I wonder if school would have any ideas? They often hear about courses.