I don't want to go. Will I lose a friend?

[homemadegin]

I happily agreed to go on my friends hendo when it was suggested last January.

I then fell pregnant and had DD in October. I've waited fifteen years for her, and have a long nasty history of infertility and miscarriage.

Hen do is in june, two nights in a house fairly rural down south. Mini bus taking everyone, i.e.not near trains etc.

I was asked to pay balance yesterday to include accommodation, bus , food and drink and have of course done so. I do not want anyone out of pocket because of me. I don't want to go. I don't want to leave my baby. Bride is a fairly new friend, maybe three years, and I have to say is wonderful.

She was so incredibly kind to me when DD born and has been a great support.

I don't want to lose her, or offend her, but I'm just not ready. If I explained this to you would you understand? I don't make friends easily and she means a lot to me. There is only two friends going, the rest are family. I'm feeling so worried about it.

The stupid thing is if I had to leave DD I would probably only leave her with the bride!! So clearly that won't work....

Do you have a DP? Could you compromise and drive there for 1 night?

Obviously you don't have to go at all but maybe you could consider other options too?

Are you single?

What were the financial arrangements? You may need to pay in full for your share of the transport and accommodation costs.

Who would your baby be staying with?

If you’re single, pulling out is fair enough IMO as long as you fulfil whatever your financial commitment was.

If I were the bride I would shrug and get in with it but I wouldn’t really understand if there was a partner or parents to leave the baby with. I would probably feel a little hurt if I’m being honest although I wouldn’t lose a friendship over it.

I have never had a problem leaving my children for a night or two though.

I'd understand, but then I haven't left DS with anyone overnight and he is nearly 6 !

I'm not sure I would understand actually OP. Sorry. Especially if you have a DP/DH who can look after DD. Does your friend have any children herself? You say the hen do is only a couple of friends and family - not really a massive big party with loads of people, and it sounds as though your friend has been pretty great and very supportive. She might understand, but I would imagine she'll be hurt.

Do you have a DP/DH?

Honestly I would tell the bride exactly what you wrote in your OP, including the bit about how she's the only person you'd be comfortable leaving your DD with ... you both sound lovely, and if she's the woman you say she is, I am sure she will totally understand. Also it's great that you have paid your share in full and don't want to let anyone down - nobody could accuse you of being unfair.

Congratulations on your much long-for DD and I am sure the bride will totally understand.

I take it you’re single and don’t have family that could watch her? I’d be a bit at someone that couldn’t leave an 8 month old with their spouse for a night or 2. If you genuinely don’t have any childcare, which sounds like it might be the case, then that’s a completely different scenario. I’d tell the bride pretty much what you’ve said above, especially the bit that she’s the only one you’d trust to have your DD overnight.

I'd be a bit miffed that you didn't come, especially as baby will be 8 months.

Sorry, by paid balance I mean paid everything due in full, the realising balance I was due.

I do have a dh. He is a farmer and due to lambing has not dealt with DD at all. This will change but takes time. My mum is on holiday, mil not in good health.

I'm quite isolated, don't have a support network really.

I will think about other options. I just feel sick about it. I was quite unwell when DD born and am still anxious a lot of the time.

Thank you for your honest thoughts. N

But that is based on the fact that I'm intending on leaving my 4 month old with DH for a weekend and I'm positively looking forward to it.

Remaining balance, stupid autocorrect

I understand op
Took me ten years to have my dd and I didn’t leave her overnight until she was about 8 I think,
If she’s a proper friend she won’t hold it against you x

Sorry, OP. Realise I was way too harsh on you there. Not everyone's situation and babies etc are the same as mine.

Your heart is telling you not to go. I would advise you to follow your heart.

Explain this to your friend, you say she's lovely, so she should understand.

Your not ready to leave your baby and that is completely understandable. X

That's ok @Baloonphobia , I know I need to toughen up.

Sorry missed some questions. Huge wedding, three hundred odd. Small hendo, she doesn't have many close friends. She has no children, ten years younger than me. Also a farmer. By june dh will be into harvest, another issue.

Ahhhh, it's just so hard!!

I’m wondering why you agreed on the first place? It might have been better to say you feel this way from the off.
You aren’t going to enjoy it and I personally understand your feelings. I could not have left a baby that young overnight myself. If she’s a good friend she will understand.

@Timeistickingaway because it was last January as I said in op. Fell pregnant March, had DD October. Have had so many miscarriages I never expected to have DD. In January we were in fact discharged from hospital on basis there was nothing further they could do.

I know it's the cowards way out, but seeing as you have paid in full, I would feign sickness.

Don't say anything and then send apologies on the day.

If you're not ready to leave your DD yet then - especially with what you've added about your DH - that's understandable. You've already paid your share - including for food and drink which you won't be consuming. So nobody is going to be out of pocket due to your absence - in fact they might even be better off.

It would be a poor excuse for a friend if she would drop you over this. YANBU.

Same ^
I would say nothing and then pull out at the last minute due to tummy bug.

I would go for one night.

Good compromise. Your DH may be able to mind her then. Lots of people don't stay for the second night on Hen weekends.

What does he say about it? Obviously he knows about the Hen. What's he suggesting?

@MrsSpenserGregson says it very well. I wouldn't have left any of mine even during the day at that age, never mind overnight (and I did have an H with whom I could have left them).

I’d do the same and say a sickness bug last minute as some people can be funny. I’ve got two children with special needs and dh and I are meant to be taking the kids except the youngest away on a work trip of his for two days but I’m not sure if I can leave her behind. But some people might not understand.