I don't want to go. Will I lose a friend?

[homemadegin]

I happily agreed to go on my friends hendo when it was suggested last January.

I then fell pregnant and had DD in October. I've waited fifteen years for her, and have a long nasty history of infertility and miscarriage.

Hen do is in june, two nights in a house fairly rural down south. Mini bus taking everyone, i.e.not near trains etc.

I was asked to pay balance yesterday to include accommodation, bus , food and drink and have of course done so. I do not want anyone out of pocket because of me. I don't want to go. I don't want to leave my baby. Bride is a fairly new friend, maybe three years, and I have to say is wonderful.

She was so incredibly kind to me when DD born and has been a great support.

I don't want to lose her, or offend her, but I'm just not ready. If I explained this to you would you understand? I don't make friends easily and she means a lot to me. There is only two friends going, the rest are family. I'm feeling so worried about it.

The stupid thing is if I had to leave DD I would probably only leave her with the bride!! So clearly that won't work....

I really feel for you and think you've had a lot of good advice here.

The only thing I would add is, do you think it might be good for you to go? It's a good thing for you to have a strong support system of friends and it's good for your DH to be able to cope with your DD. It's really easy to retreat and isolate yourself when dealing with anxiety. Going might feel hard but in the long run might it be a good thing to do?

Ok I have messaged her and she thinks she will manage cuppa on Sunday so will head over and be completely honest.

Thank you all so so much for taking the time to reply to me. I have more people and support here than in the real world. I just wanted to try and sound others out as sometimes in my head it doesn't play out the same.

I will update next week. Thank you all again.

If you are truly unhappy about leaving your baby, then just tell your friend.15 years is a long time to try to get pregnant.If she is as kind as you think she is she will understand I am sure .If you are still BF then thats a good excuse .If not then just say you think she will fret without you and you wont be able to relax

Why don't you take your baby with you to the hen do? She's too young to understand any smutty cackling and with her there you can join in as much as you want to/she lets you. sounds like you could make it work. If that's all that's stopping you.... it sounds like it's going to be a fairly quiet girls weekend away rather than a crazy full on pub crawl (actually she could come along to one of those in a pram lol). You'd just need to stick to soft drinks. I couldn't handle leaving my babies either and I didn't have to wait for mine like you, so I do understand where you're coming from...

I'm assuming your DH has agreed for you to go and is fully expecting you to go?

I know it is difficult, but I honestly think you will enjoy it if you go and it would be good for your DH to get to grips with being a more hands on Dad

Presumably your DH can hire in extra farm hands for a couple of days to allow him to care for DD for the weekend?

If you don't want to go and will be anxious and worried then don't go. You have your longed for DD and this changes things. She comes first.
At the end of the day you don't have anyone you can realistically leave your baby with for three days and that is it.
Your friend sounds really nice and you haven't let her down financially, so its just a question of being worried and anxious and not really having anyone to leave her with. This is totally understandable.
I think this is the kind of friend that you can be truthful with and that will understand.

OP please talk to your friend, I'm sure if she's been a great support otherwise she will understand. I do sometimes wonder about advice on hen do's/etiquette around these things. Some people would be distraught if their uncle's auntie's second cousin's dog groomer's best friend's next door neighbour pulled out three years before, others won't be in the least bit miffed if a close friend/family member pulled out that day (trust me, I was that bride - maid of honour pulled out the same day as her dog had been diagnosed with terminal illness a week earlier and she couldn't face it. Ended up with all of us visiting the bloody dog!) you won't know until you talk to her x

Crossed posts but what about @CrotchetyQuaver's idea? I've taken small ones to parties before now in a travel cot with a baby alarm and put them sleeping in a quiet room. Its not ideal but it means that you can see your friends and still keep an eye on baby. Good luck, whatever you decide x

Op I'm sorry you've had a horrible time and I'm sure your enjoying having your little one. It's normal to feel anxious leaving them especially the first time. Have you ever left them even for a few hours? . 2 things jumped out to me:
You feel quite socially isolated, by not going you will be isolating yourself more. Getting a few days away is a great way to challenge you're thinking that you can't do it and you may find you come back with a spring in your step.
Secondly your dh hasn't been able to spend much time with dc- this would be a lovely chance for them to bond.
Whatever you chose your friend will most likely understand, though she might be disappointed.

In had a lot of counselling during infertility and when DD as born. The counsellor thought I had PTSD as a result of the losses not being dealt with. I also have health anxiety. I was terrified that because I had not miscarried DD something else was going to take her away.
*
I am still having counselling and am doing a lot better day to day, but underestimated how big a deal this would be for me. I accept that.*

I know just how you feel. We suffered with infertility for over a decade, then lost our first daughter at 20 weeks. I was beside myself throughout the whole pregnancy with our second daughter thinking I was going to lose her too. This carried on after she was born. It's a horrible feeling. I'm 2 and a half years down the line, it does get easier.

If you don't feel like you can go, then don't force yourself. You don't have to go and I'm sure your friend will understand given what's happened.

But maybe leave your options open? You've paid, your place is secured, you may feel like you want to try come June and it might be good for you. I'm sure whatever you choose, your friend will understand. And fuck it, if she says bring the baby, then bring her! It might be fun! And if the bride says it's ok then you're golden!

Oh you poor thing. I couldn't possibly have left mine for two days at that age. It would have torn me apart and I had no baby-related trauma at all.

I think being really open with your friend over your cuppa is the way to go, and tell her what you've said here about how surprised you are about how anxious you feel.

Good luck .

I don't think you are being unreasonable or that you need to toughen up. It's also not your fault that your baby is clingy!! You should listen to your gut here and if your friend is as lovely as you say she is she would understand.

I went to my best friend's hen do when my DD was 7 months old. I had misgivings but she was and is my oldest friend and I didn't feel that I could miss it. It was really hard on both me and my baby (who was used to having me at night) and an extremely stressful night for my husband!! I ended up driving back home at 5am as it got too much for her.

That's not to say at all that it wouldn't work out well for you and your baby, but every situation is different and just because some people would be happy leaving their babies (and know their babies would be fine), that does not mean that you should feel the same way or have failed in not being at that point yet.

Perhaps there is some compromise you could reach so that you don't fully miss out but don't have the anxiety of leaving her overnight?

for you, and congratulations on your DD xx

Whoops missed your last update! Good luck with the chat x

If you don't want to go, don't go. It will feel shit for your friend though honesty. She only has two friends coming and now it's down to one. Will the remaining friend still want to come knowing she'll be the only one? Probably not.

Having said that, it's not your fault there aren't many people coming. In fact it's a strange choice by your friend to have a big weekend away in this situation. I would have loved to have a hens night (not even a night away but just a few drinks one evening) but I didn't as I knew no one would bother coming and I'd be in your friends situation.

I had similar situation...i went for one night...bride understood and i had a lot of fun. Think bride would have been disappointed if i didnt go at all...esp as baby wasnt a newborn

I wouldn't go. I've done so much 'doing the right thing'. Now I do what I want. Other people do.

I would definitely pull out. I have a very involved supportive husband who works office hours. My daughter never took a bottle so she would have starved if I'd left her that soon. The first (and only) time we've been apart overnight was when she was 14 months and I was hospitalised. They had a very difficult night together, despite the fact that my husband almost always does bedtime. I did my first full day at work when she was 13 months and spent most of the day checking my phone for updates and had a panic attack on the way home. She's a happy independent child and she loves spending time with her daddy and grandparents.
That said, if you want to go, go. I was bottle fed so it was more practical- my mum went for a weekend in Paris with my two grandmothers when I was two months old, I stayed with my dad. It was also fine.
As the bride - one of my bridesmaids (a sister in law) didn't make it to my hen do because she was exhausted from work. So what, it's just a night out.

Good luck with the chat.

UPDATE

Thank you to all who read original post, update as promised.

I finally managed to sit down and speak to friend face to face. I was completely honest with her. She said that I had always said I would decide nearer the time but it was unlikely I would go. I do not remember this!! She was absolutely lovely. We are going out for dinner this weekend instead and she is going to baby sit one night in July so dh and I can go out.

I was so worried about it and she really did look at me as if I was mad!! She does have three other friends going from out with the area, I hadn't realised that.

She was very glad I spoke to her about how anxious I was feeling and I feel better for doing so.

Thank you all again.

That’s lovely OP, she sounds like a great friend.