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Original poster

I don't want to go. Will I lose a friend?

95 replies

homemadegin · 09/05/2019 15:59

I happily agreed to go on my friends hendo when it was suggested last January.

I then fell pregnant and had DD in October. I've waited fifteen years for her, and have a long nasty history of infertility and miscarriage.

Hen do is in june, two nights in a house fairly rural down south. Mini bus taking everyone, i.e.not near trains etc.

I was asked to pay balance yesterday to include accommodation, bus , food and drink and have of course done so. I do not want anyone out of pocket because of me. I don't want to go. I don't want to leave my baby. Bride is a fairly new friend, maybe three years, and I have to say is wonderful.

She was so incredibly kind to me when DD born and has been a great support.

I don't want to lose her, or offend her, but I'm just not ready. If I explained this to you would you understand? I don't make friends easily and she means a lot to me. There is only two friends going, the rest are family. I'm feeling so worried about it.

The stupid thing is if I had to leave DD I would probably only leave her with the bride!! So clearly that won't work....

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Original poster

homemadegin · 09/05/2019 17:01

It's about 150 miles away.

DD will be almost eight months.

She is combination fed but could go without BF really.

She is an awful sleeper generally although better than she was. She is clingy to me, probably my own fault. She has never been left except with my mum once for a medical appointment and with dh for the odd hour pre lambing.

OP posts:

alreadytaken · 09/05/2019 17:02

presumably your friend doesnt yet have any children - so no, I dont think she will understand about not leaving an 8 month old baby - an 8 week old, yes, but not 8 months. She also has few close friends so your absence will make a big difference to her.

You need to explain to her that you are actually ill with anxiety and hope she understands. You might also consider what help you can get for the anxiety.

NunoGoncalves · 09/05/2019 17:02

If a friend of mine told me honestly that she couldn't make it to my hen do despite not wanting to disappoint me, I would be fine with it. I wouldn't want a friend to do something they're not comfortable with just to keep me happy.

Maybe that's just because I'm a nice person and a good friend, though. But then, if your friend isn't a nice person and a good friend, then it doesn't matter if this ruins the friendship, does it?

In other words, if the friendship is worth maintaining, then she won't mind you not going.

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Turquoisetamborine · 09/05/2019 17:03

I had to pull out of my friend’s hen do in Dublin when my youngest was 8 months old. He was breastfed and I’d been through rounds of IVF and years of waiting for him. I thought I’d be able to leave him but I just couldn’t for three days.
She wasn’t at all happy (no one was out of pocket and plenty more going. I hope now she has her own small baby and has turned into a hermit she understands a bit more.

Mrsjayy · 09/05/2019 17:04

It is ok not to go I am sure she will be dissapointed but will understand . I know this is a bit out there but could you take her with you ? Please nobody tut at me its just a suggestion

Original poster

homemadegin · 09/05/2019 17:05

In had a lot of counselling during infertility and when DD as born. The counsellor thought I had PTSD as a result of the losses not being dealt with. I also have health anxiety. I was terrified that because I had not miscarried DD something else was going to take her away.

I am still having counselling and am doing a lot better day to day, but underestimated how big a deal this would be for me. I accept that.

OP posts:

bubblegumunicorn · 09/05/2019 17:05

I guess the first night with out your DD will be tough but once you've done it you will be able to do it again! I used to often spend nights at my grandmas as a baby as my mum worked nights and I was such an independent child I never used to get why my friends would get separation anxiety at sleepovers but now I'm sure that's why! Baby's love a sleepover at someone else's house but it is so hard to leave them! You just need to do what's right for you really! :)

Original poster

homemadegin · 09/05/2019 17:06

@Mrsjayy I seriously think that's what she will say!! Can you imagine the other people's reactions though!! All going on a child free weekend with my DD

OP posts:

fruitbrewhaha · 09/05/2019 17:06

I think you should go. You talk about not having friends or a support network. It sounds like your friend is in a similar position, as farming is such long hours, early morning etc, she too is isolated. It sounds as if you value her friendship so you need to support her too. It goes both ways.

Your DH will be ok, is there anyone else nearby who can lend him a hand? A neighbour or friend?

You will have a great time and your friendship will grow as a result.

Mrsjayy · 09/05/2019 17:07

You really have been through it just tell your friend you can't go.

Pythonesque · 09/05/2019 17:10

8 months can be a clingy age, I understand how you feel. Would there be any practical way you could take her with you, and juggle things there?

My eldest would have been about 14 months when I first had a night away from her, though that was partly because of not having family around. The younger one - I can't really remember! Probably older before an actual full trip away from him though (overnights in hospital when his sister was ill doesn't count the same, as I was able to tuck him into bed then go back to the hospital and his dad brought him in to us in the mornings).

Your plan to have a good talk with your friend sounds a good one. Maybe she'll have another idea (eg does she have a mother who could join the party but who would be happy to share baby sitting duties during the trip). Sounds like you all understand the complexities of your farming lives though, which is a help.

greenlynx · 09/05/2019 17:11

TBH I would be ok with you not going even without paying. Also I wouldn’t claim illness, it’s better to be honest and explain your situation as soon as possible. There might be other circumstances when it will be difficult for you to leave your DD. If you don’t have lots of childcare options it’s better for your friends to know and plan accordingly.

irregularegular · 09/05/2019 17:12

I think if she is a good friend and you explain how you feel honestly to her - while also explaining how important she is to you and how you feel dreadful about letting her down - then she will understand.

It is only a hen do. If people just had one night out like they used to then it wouldn't be a problem!

I know you said only two friends are going but if there are also a few family then there will be enough people there that she should not feel abandoned.

Could you suggest taking her out for a special lunch/spa day just for the two of you?

I also wouldn't rule out taking your baby with you. In fact it was my first thought. But it depends on the planned activities, venue, type of people, how easy your baby tends to be etc. If it is a low key, low alcohol, relaxed house weekend and baby is quite easy going then why not?

Dahlietta · 09/05/2019 17:12

I would ask if you can bring your dd as it shows how much you want to come. Obviously be prepared for her to say no, but honestly I wouldn’t mind someone bringing an 8mo on a small do. A toddler might be another matter!!

Chathamhouserules · 09/05/2019 17:13

I've been on girls' weekends with a baby bought along (both times long awaited ivf babies). It's been lovely to have them and have a cuddle and then hand back to the mum!
So I'd explain you feel very anxious about leaving dd, that dh won't be around much. I'd do my best to go for one night without dd but if she says why not bring baby then I'd say yes please.
Two night break with your dd might be lovely!

MrsSpenserGregson · 09/05/2019 17:14

Deep breath. Hen dos are not compulsory, it's the marriage that follows (not the wedding day, the marriage that lasts hopefully for decades) that's important. You couldn't possibly have known last January that you were going to get pregnant, or how you would feel once your DD was here. You haven't done anything deliberately to hurt or upset your friend. She will understand, as it sounds as though your needs are very important right now; also your friendship sounds lovely, in that she has been helpful and supportive with your DD and you are helping her loads with her wedding. I think it sounds like a fantastic friendship!

Even without PTSD, your DD is incredibly precious, and she is a baby.. It's totally fine for you not to want to be away from her.

SecretWitch · 09/05/2019 17:14

Oh, op. This got me right in the feels. So hard to leave your sweet baby. I would be honest with her. I would miss having a friend at my hen but totally understand the reasons. Best not to have any lies between you.

Mrsjayy · 09/05/2019 17:16

I think you should tell her soon how you are feeling you are getting yourself worked up and catasrophising and causing yourself anxiety that you don't need.

zebrapig · 09/05/2019 17:16

I'd speak to your friend and see if you can take DD. One of my friends had to take her DS on a hen do last year at a similar age as he was breastfeeding and wouldn't take a bottle.

PinaColadaPlease · 09/05/2019 17:17

I think it would be very unfair to take the baby with you!

ninebiscuits · 09/05/2019 17:17

I was in a very similar situ. Paid for hen do whilst still pregnant thinking I'd be fine by 6 months.... nope! Combi feeding and just couldn't leave him. Spoke to now SIL to pull out, and ended up taking DP and DS with me. It was at centreparcs and there was a spare bed left not taken! I could join in with spa and activities but mind at ease knowing I wasnt far away if needed. DP was happy chilling in the evening watching movies while I enjoyed the hen.
Could your DH stay in an air bnb local so you could do the same? Have time for you and the hen but not have to miss out on everything?

neveradullmoment99 · 09/05/2019 17:18

Dont go. Say you arent well. You paid in full so no big deal except you lose the money.

Marlena1 · 09/05/2019 17:19

I definitely would be honest and upfront. You have a very good reason not to go and you could maybe send a bottle of champagne or something to let her know you care. Would there be anyway you could drive there, not drink and stay for a couple of hours before driving back? I'm sure your friend would not want you there stressed.

neveradullmoment99 · 09/05/2019 17:20

Its not a lie if you feel physically sick about it. Anxiety is real.

Whatnotea · 09/05/2019 17:21

If you don't want to go, just explain it to her, I am sure she will understand. Just say what you have said here.

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