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Original poster

I don't want to go. Will I lose a friend?

95 replies

homemadegin · 09/05/2019 15:59

I happily agreed to go on my friends hendo when it was suggested last January.

I then fell pregnant and had DD in October. I've waited fifteen years for her, and have a long nasty history of infertility and miscarriage.

Hen do is in june, two nights in a house fairly rural down south. Mini bus taking everyone, i.e.not near trains etc.

I was asked to pay balance yesterday to include accommodation, bus , food and drink and have of course done so. I do not want anyone out of pocket because of me. I don't want to go. I don't want to leave my baby. Bride is a fairly new friend, maybe three years, and I have to say is wonderful.

She was so incredibly kind to me when DD born and has been a great support.

I don't want to lose her, or offend her, but I'm just not ready. If I explained this to you would you understand? I don't make friends easily and she means a lot to me. There is only two friends going, the rest are family. I'm feeling so worried about it.

The stupid thing is if I had to leave DD I would probably only leave her with the bride!! So clearly that won't work....

OP posts:

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Brakebackcyclebot · 09/05/2019 16:34

I do have a dh. He is a farmer and due to lambing has not dealt with DD at all. This will change but takes time. My mum is on holiday, mil not in good health

I'm quite isolated, don't have a support network really

I will think about other options. I just feel sick about it. I was quite unwell when DD born and am still anxious a lot of the time

Your later post makes me much more sympathetic OP. I presume your friend is aware of all this. I would have an honest conversation with her. And in the meantime, train up DH to be able to handle 1 night, and hope to go for a night.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 09/05/2019 16:35

I think if you're all paid up and don't mind losing the money, just tell her exactly what you put in your OP (including the bit about only wanting to leave DD with her - that's a massive compliment). I'm sure she'll understand.

If you're not ready to leave DD then that's totally fine.

horizontalis · 09/05/2019 16:36

You have paid now so nobody will be out of pocket if you don't go.

Leave it a couple of weeks, you never know, you might feel differently.

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Nsmum14 · 09/05/2019 16:37

Of course you should not go if you feel like that. Stay with your baby! If she is a true friend she will understand. It is perfectly normal for you both to have separation anxiety at that age, 8 months is very very young. Were you to go, you would probably be too anxious to enjoy it. Go with your gut feeling!

Anoisagusaris · 09/05/2019 16:39

I would frame it that you just don't have anyone to mind your DD as your DH will be really busy with work. I've missed plenty of occasions involving travel as my DH works weekends and I don't have any family.

Its just not practical for you to go, regardless of whether you want to or not. Its not just that you don't want to leave your DD. Your DH will be working long hours presumably and your mother is away. Who could actually take your DD?

Take your friend out for dinner or lunch instead.

diddl · 09/05/2019 16:40

It's not just about you not wanting to leave her though-there doesn't seem to be anyone to leave her with.

Original poster

homemadegin · 09/05/2019 16:41

Yes friend is also a farmer and is very aware of home situation. It was booked so far in advance so she could be sure her lambing would be finished, which then meant timing tups going out last year.

@MrsSpenserGregson thank you for your kind words, I am feeling very fragile.

Anxiety is a horrible thing. I'm sure I would be OK as would DD but I'm lying awake worrying about leaving her.

I know what people are saying about being unwell but I really really don't want to lie to her, she doesn't deserve that. She would probably spend the whole time worrying I was ok at home sick with DD.

I guess I should just be honest and tell her what I'm feeling and maybe a talk will help.

Dh would manage a night I think, he's supportive whatever I chose to do. If a little worried as DD is quite clingy and not the easiest baby ever.

Her wedding is at home and I am helping a lot with that, catering and decorating etc. Not that it changes the hen do issue but it is something else I can still support her with. M

Thank you all for your help.

OP posts:

Springwalk · 09/05/2019 16:41

A true friend will understand. However if you really feel worried about telling her, pulling out with illness would be fine if it protects the friendship. I personally wouldn’t want to lie to my friends, and would sooner tell her the truth, but understand why you are worried.
Your baby has to come first op. It’s only a hen do, and not the actual wedding.

OrdinarySnowflake · 09/05/2019 16:41

What does your DH say? Is he actually looking forward to having DD to himself? If it's only a weekend, the forced break for him might be good.

DS was 18 months when I first had one night away from him, that was a hen do. I was very nervous, even though I'd left him in the day when I'd worked. He and DH had a fabulous time! DH was shattered, but loved having some 1-2-1 time.

Poppins2016 · 09/05/2019 16:42

I wouldn't want to leave my 7 month old for one night, let alone two. As it happens, I'm breastfeeding and he doesn't take a bottle, so I couldn't physically do it even if I wanted to, but that issue aside... it's completely natural for mothers and babies to want/need each other.

To be honest, I'm really surprised by those saying they'd judge you negatively for not attending. I feel that when babies/children are so young, you just have to trust your instinct. The right decision for you might be the wrong decision for someone else. There's no point in you going to the hen do if you'll be stressed the whole time and/or constantly on your phone checking on your baby.

If you were my friend I wouldn't hold it against you (and wouldn't have done pre-baby, either).

... could you suggest a separate special evening for just the two of you?

greenlynx · 09/05/2019 16:42

I don’t understand why you didn’t tell her this before paying. You had lots of changes in your life since you agreed on hen do. It’s perfectly fine to be uncomfortable with leaving small baby overnight.

Lifeisabeach09 · 09/05/2019 16:43

I'd pull out. You don't want to leave your baby and will not have a good time. Hopefully, she'll understand but if she doesn't, tough shit. Circumstances change and when you committed you were not pregnant.

You've done the right thing and paid up. Don't go.

Original poster

homemadegin · 09/05/2019 16:45

@greenlynx because the cost was worked out at the time of booking last year based per person. That was the house and bus. She sent final payment request this week which included a wee bit extra for food and drink.

If I had told her without paying everyone else would have had to pay more because of me. That's not fair.

OP posts:

Pursefirst · 09/05/2019 16:46

First of all, v un-MN hugs to you OP and congratulations on your DD.

I am sure your friend will understand if and when you explain the situation to her. You could always have a lunch or dinner together before the wedding if you feel like you have to make it up to her.

You sound as though you are very involved in helping her with the wedding and IMO that is far more valuable than going on a hen do where you will feel anxious and stressed.

UrsulaPandress · 09/05/2019 16:47

Oh bless you. The best thing to do is talk to your friend about how you are feeling. If she is a good friend she will of course understand, and then play it by ear. No one will be out of pocket as you have paid in full. You might feel differently nearer the time and able to go for a night.

But stop worrying about it. You don't have to go.

Mrsjayy · 09/05/2019 16:49

You need to tell your friend you can't really find childcare and not go but you might need to pay your share, why have you put it off till now ? I am not having a dig but you could have said earlier you couldn't go.

lablablab · 09/05/2019 16:50

Could you try one night?

I had no problem leaving my dc with my dh and mil for one night when they were babies - I trusted them implicitly. But I felt physically sick with worry when I went back to work when dc1 was 13 months and I had to leave her with a childminder for the day. I felt bad all the way to work and then once I got there, I got stuck in and I was ok! (I checked my phone every 2 seconds but I was ok!) You might find the same.

Tell DH how you're feeling and ask him to give you regular updates. It might be nice for them to have a bit of bonding time.

GetUpAgain · 09/05/2019 16:50

I think if you can break down all the reasons you are worried it would be great to tackle them, not just for your lovely friend but also for you, and for your DDs relationship with her dad. There is no reason he can't learn to look after his own child! Hes responsible for lots of living creatures, he should step up for the one creature on the planet he has actually made.

It sounds like you need more support than you are getting, no wonder you are anxious but you deserve to feel better than you do

greenlloon · 09/05/2019 16:51

I’d do the same and say a sickness bug last minute as some people can be funny. please dont lie explain to the friend is there any reason why you dot think shed understand

Mrsjayy · 09/05/2019 16:51

Ah you have paid just tell her the childcare isn't going to work out because of dh work you don't feel comfortable leaving her,

GabsAlot · 09/05/2019 16:54

youve paid thats fair enough u wont be leaving anyone out of pocket

just explain how u feel

how far is the hen do

GabsAlot · 09/05/2019 16:55

sorry u said down south-

loveheart27 · 09/05/2019 16:58

How old is your baby? I wouldn't go either and if she's your friend she will understand, my dd is 18 months and I've never left her either so don't worry it's perfectly normal xxx

CodenameVillanelle · 09/05/2019 16:58

I think you sound lovely!
Do you drive? If so can you feign illness the first night and drive down for the second?

Original poster

homemadegin · 09/05/2019 16:59

@Mrsjayy yes that's fair, and my fault. I haven't seen her for about eight weeks because of lambing. We all kind of go onto shut down.

In all honestly I have probably been burying my head and hoping I might feel different. June seemed ages away. I feel silly. I wanted to talk to her face to face.

I have paid in full.

I know it's my fault and I should have realised earlier.

I will arrange to see her this weekend hopefully and have a really honest chat with her.

I won't lie to her.

Thank you.

OP posts:

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