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Original poster

Joint parties - what's the present-giving protocol?

85 replies

cornflakemum · 15/07/2007 12:10

we just had DD's 5th party yesterday afternoon at a sports centre/ soft play place.

It was a 'joint' party with one of her friends X from school, so all the kids knew each other, and most kids came with 2 small presents - one for each of the girls. However one child only brought a present for the other child, and two girls brought presents only for my child.

Oh, and we gave X (other birthday girl) a present, but she didn't give my daughter one yesterday. (To be fair the Mum looked horribly embarrassed, and said she'd left it at home, but I think with all the organising etc she'd just forgotten!)

Thing is, the invitation said clearly it was a party for both girls, and I'm sure that, although we split the invitation list and wrote half each, that we put both telephone no.s on as RSVPs. Now I'm worried that the other Mum thinks that I tried to pass it off as just our party or something?

Unless I didn't know the other child at all, I'd always send two little presents for a joint party, wouldn't you?

I'm not particularly bothered, nor is DD, and she had lots of loevly things, but I just don't know how people would decide just to send one present? Do they choose the one the ivitation comes from, or the one they like best, or what?
Strangely the ones who didn't give the other child a present had invitations sent by her mum, so I feel bad about this for some reason?

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Original poster

cornflakemum · 15/07/2007 14:12

oh - maybe quite normal then...

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FluffyMummy123 · 15/07/2007 14:15

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mears · 15/07/2007 14:16

I would have given 2 presents but i would never have organised a joint party - this is one of the downsides. It was a minority who only brought one present though.

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FluffyMummy123 · 15/07/2007 14:16

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CarGirl · 15/07/2007 14:16

tbh if I did a shared party like that I would make it clear to only buy one gift and which child it was for as it's very expensive for parents to buy 2/3/4 presents for joint parties and mostly the birthday child just enjoys having the party more so than the gifts.

Sparkletastic · 15/07/2007 14:18

My DD has shared parties with her 2 BFs as they were born on consecutive days. We do get pressies for each other's kids but split up the invitees and just get gifts from 'our' ones, even though many of them know each other. The social complexities of small people eh

mears · 15/07/2007 14:18

Problem with a joint party is that your own child may not have any contact with one of the children and would not normaly have been invited to a singular party she had. Means parents have had to buy a present for a child they normally wouldn't have IYSWIM?

Saves money for the organisers but incurs costs to the parents.
That's only my view though - I never ever did class parties - only frineds of my children were invited.

FluffyMummy123 · 15/07/2007 14:20

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NKF · 15/07/2007 14:21

In my neighbourhood, the etiquette with joint parties seems to be that the parents ask for one unisex present and then divide them between the children.

Original poster

cornflakemum · 15/07/2007 14:21

Didn't have the party to get presents - as you say the children enjoy the party.
I just thought it was odd, and we only noticed because we were making a list of the presents for the thank you cards.

That's the weird (sad?) thing though - although it was the other little girl who handed out the invitation to these two girls, they were the ones who didn't give her a present? Unless they njust got horribly confused.

It just made it all a bit awkward, as the other mum saw me this morning, and said "you didn't take any presents for X home by accident did you, 'cos we didn't get one..."

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Original poster

cornflakemum · 15/07/2007 14:26

cod - it's not a about 'some kid they don't know' - all the kids are in the same class & know each other equally well.

And I don't think there were any 'mistakes' - the only presents we took home had DD's name on them.

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FluffyMummy123 · 15/07/2007 14:28

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Original poster

cornflakemum · 15/07/2007 14:28

AND btw - it wasn't joint to save money actually - was joint because their birthdays are one day apart, and we discovered we were trying to book the same venue on the same day, for the same time, for the same kids (!) so decided to merge it.

Don't know about you, but I PREFER joint parties - means you're not spending every minute of the w/e ferrying them about .

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FluffyMummy123 · 15/07/2007 14:29

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geekgirl · 15/07/2007 14:32

we've done a joint party before (birthdays on the same day) and didn't indicate this in the invitations at all (so child A's invitations just said 'please come to A's party'), so that people would not feel under any obligation to buy a present for the other child - it was easier though because both children are at different schools and do not have any joint friends.

Whenever any of mine have been invited to joint parties I buy two presents, regardless of whether I know both children or not (and yes I do find it slightly annoying to buy a present for a child none of us know).

Original poster

cornflakemum · 15/07/2007 14:32

er...can you read?

I'm asking why people think it might be that a parent would send a child to a party without a present for the child who invited them. I think that's rather bad manners actually. FGS, how much effort/£ does it take to wrap up a few stickers or a little book, or something?

(If you're getting cross cod, suggest you go fishing for fun elsewhere)

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popsycal · 15/07/2007 14:32

ds1 and his friend ar having a joint 5th brthday party in a few weeks. They all have the same friends though and would invite each of them to their own, single party were they to have one...

CarGirl · 15/07/2007 14:36

It wasn't clear from the original post I assumed the invitations were from both of them to the joint party????

I thin it can be hard if it's a joint class party and your dc really prefers child A but then child B invites them to a joint party and then your dc wants to go only because they like child A and wants to buy child A a present etc?

All sounds complicated and difficult am so glad I've not had to do one yet!

Original poster

cornflakemum · 15/07/2007 14:39

popsycal - there might be useful advice/ tips on this thread then!

It seems like a minefield. I suggest you sit down with the other parent and agree what you're going to write - whether you're each going to invite half the group or what.

I've also had the opposite problem in the past, where we've each written half the invites inviting people to "X's party" and then when they've turned up, been told by parents "Oh, I wish you'd told me it was Y's party too - I didn't know, and now I feel bad (because e.g. their child went to Y's party earlier in the year).

Thinking about it, when DD goes to a joint party I probably spend about the same across the two children as I would if I was just buying for one child's party (e.g. 2 x £5 rather than £10).

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Original poster

cornflakemum · 15/07/2007 14:40

cargirl - sorry - my "can you read" was to cod! (she can't write, so...)

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CarGirl · 15/07/2007 14:43

I sometimes think if you're told to just buy one gift it makes it easier to buy one decent present rather than 2 smaller gifts. If dc went to a joint party it would entirely depend on the birthday children if they were both particular friends I woul buy them both a "decent" gift regardless of whether it just said buy for x

mozhe · 15/07/2007 15:07

Agree with cod....why are you fussing about this..tbh on last invite for DSs birthday I put,'your presence, but no presents,is required....Suggest you think about that next time ?

DoubleBluff · 15/07/2007 15:46

DS went to a joint party for two girls inhis class and the invite was from both.
I bought both girls a present each.
If they had had separate parties i would have had to have bought a separate gift anyway.
I would not have bought for one and not the other, that would be a bit off.

Original poster

cornflakemum · 15/07/2007 15:54

mozhe
Sorry - wouldn't be able to bring myself to add such appalling grammar to any invitation of mine...

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Original poster

cornflakemum · 15/07/2007 15:56

oh, and I'm not fussing about it. Just thought it odd, that's all, and thought I'd ask people's opinions.

But of course I forgot if HerCodHighness and cronies deem something unworthy of discussion they soon try to close it down...

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