Joint parties - what's the present-giving protocol?

[cornflakemum]

we just had DD's 5th party yesterday afternoon at a sports centre/ soft play place.

It was a 'joint' party with one of her friends X from school, so all the kids knew each other, and most kids came with 2 small presents - one for each of the girls. However one child only brought a present for the other child, and two girls brought presents only for my child.

Oh, and we gave X (other birthday girl) a present, but she didn't give my daughter one yesterday. (To be fair the Mum looked horribly embarrassed, and said she'd left it at home, but I think with all the organising etc she'd just forgotten!)

Thing is, the invitation said clearly it was a party for both girls, and I'm sure that, although we split the invitation list and wrote half each, that we put both telephone no.s on as RSVPs. Now I'm worried that the other Mum thinks that I tried to pass it off as just our party or something?

Unless I didn't know the other child at all, I'd always send two little presents for a joint party, wouldn't you?

I'm not particularly bothered, nor is DD, and she had lots of loevly things, but I just don't know how people would decide just to send one present? Do they choose the one the ivitation comes from, or the one they like best, or what?
Strangely the ones who didn't give the other child a present had invitations sent by her mum, so I feel bad about this for some reason?

I do buy (smaller) gifts for the children we don't know, but if I was to do a joint party I would try to invite in such a way that invitees would only feel the need to buy one present.

As others have said, you save money by joining, why should the costs double or triple for invitees?

I went to a joint party for three children, cost me £20 incl. cards, then the mums of the birthday children were moaning where they would put all the stuff.

Was very at that.

Ooh, never been told to p*ss off on MN before. Clearly a badge of distinction.

Frankly, if one of my children asked unprompted, "Where is soandso's present" I'd tell them not to be such a grasping little so and so, and be grateful that people like them enough to come to their party.

Cornflakemum, generally if you post a question and 90% of the answers are telling you the same thing, that usually means YABU, not the other 90%.

And I don't really think that the single or joint party makes a difference -- I'm sure that we've had single parties where not everyone has brought a present, and joint parties where my dc have been given presents by kids they don't really know. But oddly enough I wasn't keeping a tally, except for thankyou letter purposes.

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when did you have a hysrterectomy cod?

cornflakemum - unfortunately you get lots of parent's ideas on a thread like this.

I personally have never been into bigh parties for my children - i have never liked the 'whole class' party either - yes i am a miserable mother and have said so often.

If my child had been invited to a joint party i would have got each child a present and moaned about it under my breath!

That's mainly why we've done joint parties -- two of my dc have birthdays in the second half of the summer term, by which time serious birthday party fatigue has set in. A joint party halves the pain both for the party-givers and the party-goers' parents.

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Ds is only in nursery. Most of his parties have been joint. Apart form a cousin or two, or a friend, most of the other children were from his nursery. I always bought 2 presents. I always spent the same money on both, as I would a single party. Never even occured to me , not to. You do notice if a child hasn't bought a presnet, not through greed, and not that this has actually happened to us, but you would becasue when you write thank you notes, it would be obvious. I think it is highly rude to turn up to a party without a present. This has never been done to/ or done by, anyone I know.

Frogs - sorry - my "p*ss off" (OK unnecessary, sorry) was actually to all the people who were jumping in with comments about 'not buying presents for kids I don't know/ didn't invite/ whingeing about wrapping 2 presents' etc, not about your comment.

Lots of people are wading in without reading properly. I'm not suggesting anywhere that anyone should consider buying a present for a child they don't know/ elder sibling/ whoever - and I wouldn't (and don't) in those circumstances.

Perhaps it wasn't very clear, and perhaps I'm just a bit 'traditional' but the scenario I outlined was that I find it strange that a child (A) gives one of her regular friends (B) a party invitation personally, and then child B turns up at said party without a present for A, but WITH a present for child C, who is also sharing party (and is also a regular friend)? And for this to happen not once, but THREE times at the same party?

As Oblomov says, you don't keep a 'tally' of presents, but if you're an half-polite individual you DO keep a list of presents received in order to write thank you letters. (Or perhaps you're all going to tell me you don't bother with all that crap either?)

And rather than being a "grasping little so-and-so" (nice... thanks for that one ) my DD was genuinely interested in what her friend might have chosen for her - not least because she'd been to HER party about a month ago, and taken a present she'd chosen (but there's another whole discussion in its own right...)

Personally I wouldn't let my child go to a party they'd been invited to empty-handed, and if we knew the other child I would send something, even if it was just a small token gift.

I've never, until this thread, considered the thought that people have joint parties to save money and swindle the party-goers out of some extra presents - that's ridiculous - when we've done it, it's been to prevent party clashes where birthdays fall on the same weekend.

Anyway, I'm going to bow out now since I'm clearly being misunderstood, and IMO unnecessarily attacked.

when my twins were little and hey invited people for tea on their birthdays - i never expected - my daughters friends parents to buy for my son - or visa vera.

cornflakemum - I do agree with you that it is strange

Not trying to attack you, cornflakemum -- I tell my ds on a regular basis not to be a grasping little so-and-so, since he is particularly prone to keeping a beady eye on his quota of presents, and it's not a trait I particularly like.

In general, I would agree that it is appropriate to take a present for the party-giver, unless you really don't know the child who is sharing the party. But we've had plenty of parties where some people haven't brought presents, because they are disorganised or just too busy, and it would never occur to me to get offended by it. I tend to assume that if people really want to offend me, they'll find a way of letting me know -- I don't go looking for it.

Thank you letters !! Do you people have anything else to do!!!?
Fgs do not bother with presents/party bags or any of the other tat...just have a fun time.
It is sad frankly..

I do feel that Cornflake was very hard done to.
And Mozhe said - thank you letters, "anything else to do". Goodness me, is that the way these days. Get a present at christmas or birthday and don't even bother saying thank you. No phone call. No thank you card. Right. I think that is really sad.

Mozhe, it's called manners. Someone gives you a gift, you thank them for it.

Re: thank you letters, I take the view that you write a letter if you haven't been able to thank the person face to face.

I don't buy for the other child sharing the party if my dc wouldn't have been invited if the other child was having the party on their own iyswim...

Thank-you letters? I'm worried now, I have never sent one to anyone who has attended the dc's parties - I thank them and the dcs thank people when the gift is given. Are you really supposed to send a letter afterwards (I ask as at the very least this would be a logistical nightmare as the dcs have ripped the paper off a mili-second after having been given the present and I have no way of knowing who has given what afterwards)?

I've always thanked close friends and family for their presents personally as we always have parties at home. But if we go to a party of a child at nursery & I don't know the parents then I do expect to get a thank you note tbh & have a wee moan if I don't - which does happen fairly frequently.

Yet another thing that MN has alerted me to. The number of people I must have offended these past few years!

I have noticed that sometimes the mothers write quite detailed notes as if from the child.