I've walked out. I'm such an awful mum

[Rosebud1302]

I posted here a week or so ago about my nearly 8 month old baby who cries moans and whinges ALL THE TIME. I have had one nice day with him in weeks and weeks. The other days he is quite frankly not nice to be around. He doesn't want to play for more than ten minutes before the whinging starts. I can't sit down with him or he cries. I have to stand up and bounce him. He likes being outside which we do every day but I can't spend all day every day outside it just isn't practical. To add to it the last few nights he has barely slept. I don't know if this is teething, leap 6 or what. I just don't know anymore.

Today I've reached my limit. I can't take anymore. I've been ok up until this point and not cracked but today after telling me with sleep cues he is tired and then screaming at me for an hour because he won't sleep I've had it. I'm done. I've walked out and left him with my partner (his dad) and I don't want to go back. I am such an awful mum why can't I deal with this. Why have I walked out why I can't I cope. I just don't know how to get through this period. I look at my friend's babies who play together smile laugh and mine just doesn't (very rarely). He cries when people talk to him. He cries if other babies touch him. I feel embarrassed when I meet friends because he is the only one like this.

My partner is lovely but does not understand what it is like. He gets home after baby is in bed. He doesn't understand what I have all week. He gets to carry on with his life like nothing has happened. I miss my life. I miss doing what I want when I want. I miss not having a baby attached to me. He is ebf and won't tolerate a bottle or cup so I can't leave him.

I'm so sorry for the long post. I just needed to write this all down. I'm sat in my car sobbing because I know I need to go home but I know he will be crying still.

You don’t need to go home now at all. Your child is at home with their presumably loving and capable parent. Go to friends, go for a walk or for some coffee and cake. You need a break. Take some time for yourself now and then later you can think about how you can get more regular breaks and support from your HV.

But I do because he will be hungry soon. It just never ends :(

Firstly you're not a bad mum at all. You need a break, you left him in safety and with his dad.
Talk to your health visitor. One of my children was like this, it's a distant memory now as he is 9. If he'd been my first I would have thought the problem was me.
He is a lovely, happy, healthy and beautiful boy now. But it's not been an easy journey and life is harder with him due to various reasons. Every child is different, don't beat yourself up about it. Don't be afraid to ask for help and say you're not coping. You're not supposed to be super human just because you have a baby

No have a break. Text DP and tell him to fine him a snack and water now and distract him for a bit. They will cope. You need to give yourself a little time.

Would you think about trying to introduce the occasional bottle for a break? Is he crawling yet? I found with crawling and walking things got much easier.

@LinoleumBlownapart thank you. That is reassuring to know. I do see all these other mums around me just sailing through it and I think why can't I be like that. Why can't my baby be happy like that? :(

@Jackshouse I've tried and tried and tried. He used to take one but stopped at about 5 months and now refuses to even have it in his mouth or near him. Regardless if I'm around or not. He will just scream until I come home. He took a cup once but now won't take it again. Thank you for the support both x

Toearly - why did you take time out of your day to write that?

OP I know (I mean, I really know) how you feel. My version of your baby is two now and honestly such a joyful guy but you are at a tough age. They can't walk or talk and are generally frustrated and cross about a lot of stuff, they are also like sponges so are overstimulated and overtired lots too. It sucks. But it gets better, I promise it does. Hang in there xx

No you don't. Your baby won't die if he's not breastfed. You are not a bad mum.
I'm betting your partner will know what you have to deal with by the time you get back and will be much more sympathetic.
I think you need to offload him a lot more often so you can go out.
Go for a coffee or go to sleep in your car for a few hours.
The baby will take water from a cup or a snack if he's that hungry and thirsty and it will be good for your partner to have to deal with it this once.

At 8 months he is fine without milk for a good few hours. He might cry, but he'll be fine. Have a lovely few hours to yourself and don't feel guilty. Dad will be fine. He can offer a bottle / sippy cup of milk or water and a snack. If baby refuses, fair enough, but he will be fine. Go get a nice cup of coffee and a slice of cake and enjoy some 'me' time.

OP, I think you need to take yourself and your baby to the GP. You sound as if you’re at the end of your tether and may well have postnatal depression. Your baby’s behaviour is not normal either, and he may be suffering anything from reflux and colic, to a developmental disorder such as autism. You both need some help, and your GP can diagnose what’s needed.
And you are absolutely NOT a bad mum - just an exhausted and stressed one. Have a big hug from me.

@ToEarlyForDecorations I'm not even sure what you are meaning by that statement to be honest.

Everyone else thank you for your support and kind words. I know he won't starve. I just feel guilty because he relies on me so much :(. No he can't move yet but I think he really wants to. No sign of that happening soon though. I think I will contact my HV on Monday. Not sure it is sensible to tackle it alone you are right. My partner is lovely and amazing with DS don't get me wrong and it isn't his fault he has long days at work but I just feel jealous he can continue as normal I guess!

Hi OP, you're not a bad mum at all, you're just exhausted physically and emotionally

PPS are right, try and get a bit of a break now, go get a cuppa and a slice of cake, maybe a magazine and take a few hours for yourself

Speak to your health visitor, mine helped me a lot when I was at the end of my tether with DD not sleeping. She was about 8 months old, still waking up for feeding at night, being challenging through the day and like you I felt like there was no end to it and at times felt like I had a ball and chain attached to me .

It sounds awful but I cried with relief when I caught a D&V bug because I got to quarantine myself in the spare room for 4 days while DH took time off work and looked after DD around the clock. It was worth all the symptoms.

Then it got better gradually, and now that DD is nearly 8 I barely remember how bad it was until I see a post like yours.

Open up to your DH, ask him to be more hands on when he's not working so you can have a nice bath, or a walk by yourself. It will soon get better I promise

Echoing redannie118 - phone your husband and day you need time to calm yourself and need a few days where he learns to rely on a cup/food more than breastmilk. Get your husband to call in sick to work a couple of days if that’s the easiest way. Then you sleep away from him, express if you want but you don’t have to- you’ve breastfed him for 8 months, your son will be fine without breast milk now. I promise it gets better. If you keep out of his way until say Tuesday I bet he will be a changed baby- and I BET he won’t starve to death either.

How much time do you get to yourself Op? Sounds like you are very much missing some “you” time. Parenting is hard, is so important to make time for yourself as it will have a detrimental impact on your MH.
What’s the plan next? Are you staying home long term or going back to work?

Definitely factor in regular breaks for yourself, it's better for both of you, you will be fresher and more patient. Have you looked up high need babies? All medical issues ruled out? A friend had a horrible time with a baby with a twisted gut but because it wasn't always twisted, it took them ages to find it. Hope you get a sleep today and tomorrow when dp is there- send them out maybe. Water and snack fine if he won't take a bottle

Have a little break op. Honestly. I know how you feel just have a breather. Go get yourself a coffee or something. I once left dd with her dad and drove to the shop in tears and bought formula just for something to do. I had to get out or I was going to break shit. I had pnd though.

Anyone who is a parent has been where you are today. You aren't a bad mum, it is a cliche but it really is the hardest job. If you are EBF you get no break at all. For that alone, you are amazing.

It does get easier, it really does. My children are all grown up now so maybe I am not up to speed on current weaning practices, but at 8 months old, isn't your baby taking solids now? Push the solid meals a bit more so he is less reliant on you. You say he won't tolerate a cup, but try a few different designs. I thought once a baby was eating solids, they needed to drink water, even if they are breastfed? He is going to need to move towards cups sometime soon anyway. Once your baby is on 3 solid meals a day and drinking from a cup, you won't feel so tied to supplying his every need. Then there is the increase in mobility. Any signs of him crawling, standing, walking? Then the increase in verbal skills. When they can use words to express their needs, the whingeing lessens. I'm not saying your baby should be doing any of this yet, but it will all come in the next few months, and every step will ultimately make things easier for you. Hang on in there.

You’re not a bad mum !! Take the break , it’s so much easier said than done but the more you take an hour or two here & there the easier it will be . You will be able to breathe & come back to parenting calmer.

You can’t pour from an empty cup & all that jazz.

I do keep wondering if it's medical but I just feel I will get dismissed by doctors as they are so busy and I've taken him before when he was much younger. They said oh he's probably intolerant to my milk but I don't see how he can be because between the ages of about 2-5/6 months ish he has been ok. He was bad when younger and now bad again recently and I've been bf all that time. He actually started getting bad at around the time I started weaning. Could that cause anything maybe? He isn't a big eater tbh.

I think you are all right about establishing feeding. He does rely on me so much which I do love but god it's hard work and I feel I never get anytime to myself.

I plan to go back to work part time after a year which initially I wasn't looking forward to but right now it can't come soon enough to get a bit of a break! Thank you again everyone for your hugs and support x

@Frangipane thank you xx

He is weaning yes but doesn't eat loads. He prefers bf of course 🙄. I'm just not sure how to break this though because he will honestly scream and scream and scream. He won't just give in and take solids or a cup. He just gets more hysterical and he will probably make himself sick although I've never pushed him this far. Again water he doesn't like really. He will sip. I have about 5 different cups. Tried them all. He knows how to use them but just isn't bothered.

Nope no sign of crawling. He can stand well supported but other than that no. I do think he will be happier when he can move around.

My first dc was a darling baby. I found it hard to understand how mothers struggled so much. Don't get me wrong I still found my first hard but I never felt the need to walk out. Then I had my second dc and honestly I felt like walking out and not coming back several times a week. He was just such a hard baby to look after and it felt like I was at breaking point constantly. It was so so hard. I have an 2 year age gap between my first two. And then an 8 year age gap between 2 and 3 because of how hard my second was. Do you know what I wish I did at the time though? Taken time for me. I wish I didn't worry or feel guilty when I left him with dh. I wish I had just accepted I had a high maintenance baby and told myself it was perfectly ok to need a break regularly. Instead I had so much resentment for my dh. My life felt like a constant battle whereas I felt he his had hardly changed and he had it easier.
I really feel for you op, I remember how awful a time it was for me and it's just so overwhelming having a baby that seems so much harder than everyone else's. Hold on and it does get easier. I ended up having a third and I now make sure I take time for myself even if it's just sitting in my bedroom with a cuppa on a Saturday and watching TV for an hour while dh is watching the kids.
Don't rush back today. Your dh will manage. He'll probably never understand how hard your days are but that's not because he doesn't want to, it's just the way it is when one parent is at home and the other is at work. That doesn't mean he can't learn how to lessen how difficult it is for you. Tell him how you feel, see if you can plan some time for you each weekend and don't feel guilty having a break

Also ebf an 11 month old & to be soul provider is very difficult. He really took to food around 9 months & I decided in February to drop the afternoon feed as I just felt so restricted & wanted to spend time with my bigger boys out and about . (Baby only feeds in a quiet room)
He won’t take milk from a bottle either but does take water from a cup now.
I found just dropping this feed gave me a lot more freedom .

@Worriedaboutmyds
That’s lovely advice

Could try a food diary maybe? Wheat, eggs, cows milk, gluten are common intolerances I think. This might just wreck your head tho...e.g. Even too much mashed banana one day may cause a reaction