I've walked out. I'm such an awful mum

[Rosebud1302]

I posted here a week or so ago about my nearly 8 month old baby who cries moans and whinges ALL THE TIME. I have had one nice day with him in weeks and weeks. The other days he is quite frankly not nice to be around. He doesn't want to play for more than ten minutes before the whinging starts. I can't sit down with him or he cries. I have to stand up and bounce him. He likes being outside which we do every day but I can't spend all day every day outside it just isn't practical. To add to it the last few nights he has barely slept. I don't know if this is teething, leap 6 or what. I just don't know anymore.

Today I've reached my limit. I can't take anymore. I've been ok up until this point and not cracked but today after telling me with sleep cues he is tired and then screaming at me for an hour because he won't sleep I've had it. I'm done. I've walked out and left him with my partner (his dad) and I don't want to go back. I am such an awful mum why can't I deal with this. Why have I walked out why I can't I cope. I just don't know how to get through this period. I look at my friend's babies who play together smile laugh and mine just doesn't (very rarely). He cries when people talk to him. He cries if other babies touch him. I feel embarrassed when I meet friends because he is the only one like this.

My partner is lovely but does not understand what it is like. He gets home after baby is in bed. He doesn't understand what I have all week. He gets to carry on with his life like nothing has happened. I miss my life. I miss doing what I want when I want. I miss not having a baby attached to me. He is ebf and won't tolerate a bottle or cup so I can't leave him.

I'm so sorry for the long post. I just needed to write this all down. I'm sat in my car sobbing because I know I need to go home but I know he will be crying still.

Op, you've had some good kind words on here. I was just thinking back to nap battles. At 8 months it might be time to move to more of a clock based schedule rather than relying on sleepy cues. You'll find lots of examples on line... Poss something like naps at 9 and 2.

@Worriedaboutmyds your message made me cry (in a good way). I can't explain how much that mirrors my thoughts except without the other children to look after you miracle worker! Thank you for your support it really is lovely to hear.

I know I will miss him being so small so I try so hard to not wish them away. But god he makes it hard sometimes!

@sauvignonblancplz thank you. Not sure what an afternoon feed is to be honest as he wants to nurse so much :( feel like I'm in a bit of a viscous circle

My second was like this, hes now 18 months and finally reached a point where I can actually enjoy being with him. They tend to get less angry once they’re mobile then again when they can start to express themselves better. Definitely take some time out for yourself, your baby will be fine

If it were me I'd quit the breastfeeding and try to have really regular routines of bottle/cup feeding and solids. He could have a bottle for a few months, it wouldn't hurt him. Then move to a cup. He will settle down. This is just a tunnel, there is light at the end of it because he is growing and changing every day.
He wants you because you are the food source and the safety source. The only way is to Separate those out so that your physical body is not the food source. Would he take a soother?

It does get easier but I really know what it’s like to have a miserable baby. My friend had her baby 10 days before me. From the off hers always seemed ‘easier’ . Was all smiles, ate well, slept well etc. Mine was a miserable toad. We had a joint first birthday for them , and whilst hers was so happy and laughing with everyone, mine whinged and cried and at that point I’d had enough.
As it turned out, her child was a nightmare toddler where as mine wasn’t bad at all.?
Do take some time for you, he will be fine with his dad and you will feel much better for it. If you make it a regular thing, it will give you something to look forward to.

So here is where I sound like a mentalist and you will all go oh ffs she is never happy. But I love bf him :( I really do. I love how close to him I feel and I love that I can comfort him like this. So I really don't want to stop completely. I just wish he would accept something OTHER than me sometimes.

No he won't accept a dummy or soother. He chews it but won't use it properly then spits it out.

Any tips on how to encourage him to eat solids more or is it just a case of waiting for him to want it more?

@Shutityoutart miserable toad made me laugh 😂 I can relate to this phrase. But thank you. Here's hoping for an easy toddler ey!

OP he may be just one of those babies who hates being a baby. Can't move around, can't communicate, constantly frustrated.

My DC2 was a whiny velcro grump of a baby and my DC1 was a constant tantrummer. I know EXACTLY what you mean about feeling embarrassed because they won't be all nice and sweet like the others and you're always the one leaving the get-together.

Get your partner on board to give you breaks regularly, every weekend, by arrangement - yes even if DS cries, it's what you have to deal with after all. Time away from you might also help him get more independent and start to take a bottle. What about nursery for a day or afternoon a week, if you can afford it? It's an age where it can help to start giving them a bit of time away from you.

My DS also refused anything but BF for ages - wouldn't have a bottle, cup or anything. I cracked it when I tried a carton of ready-made aptamil and a straw. He sucked on the straw immediately and drank it all! Worth a try.

You are not a bad mum. Pretty much every mum has felt like this (((hug))).

Hello. I've not read the whole thread but I've been where you are. My high maintenance baby has just turned 6 and is a delight... but there were many times I dreamed of never going back. Don't feel guilty. Take regular breaks, even just an hour on mumsnet with a cuppa. My golden tip.......

Foam earplugs in bulk. I'm not kidding. Saved my sanity.

You are not alone! It will get better.

Oh op your poor woman, you're definitely not an awful Mum, if you were you wouldn't care and you certainly wouldn't be feeling so terrible.
This is just a suggestion but has anyone else tried him with a bottle or cup when you are not there. If it's you offering he knows you're the source of his favourite milk iyswim. Maybe if you're not in the room or somewhere else he may give it a try.

Big hgs and flowers to you. You're njot a bad mum at all..
Get your partner to take baby as much as possibl ethis weekend and you go out and have some time for you. Just get away, go out for a walk.

Then make an appt to se your gp or hv on Monday to see if they can rule out anything with your dc. It's not normal for a baby to cry so much at that age, I don't think.

What foods are you using for weaning? Are you using mushed up food or have you tried proper solid food? My DD was a nightmare eating, I phoned my DM for advice who said to give her chips, the biggest, fattest chips I could find. So I did and it was a revelation - she loved being able to hold the chips and have control over what she was eating. Some children just don't like mushed up food. It's a nightmare but you just have to hang on in there. Can you get someone to help out for an afternoon a week maybe so you can just sleep? My DD didn't sleep until she was 6 years old, she woke up every night at least 4 times, the record was 13. I was so sleep deprived, some days I couldn't do anything at all. Everyone has nightmare days, everyone's child is different. Sounds like you are doing a great job.

You’re definitely not , the bf relationship is so much deeper than nutrition . It’s a rollercoaster.
I wouldn’t focus on withholding bf, rather just trust that when he’s not with you for a period of time he will be fine.
Your dh will work out his way of going with your son. What’s important is that you get some down time.
BF, or bottle feeding is irrelevant, you could stress about getting him into a bottle or cup and he’d still be difficult . However if you get some rest, you’ll feel better.

Side note: I give you this advice when I need to take it myself lol!!

You have my sympathy!

My DS2 wouldn't take a bottle from me, ever. He would from my DH. Now this may sound weird, but DH would stick the bottle in his armpit and hold DS2 in the breastfeeding position. Eventually he started taking it in the more 'normal' bottle feed position, but desperate times call for desperate measures. And try having something that smells of you (t shirt, blanket you've slept with etc) near your baby's face when your partner is giving the bottle.

@Epwell

I second this advice , my baby needed to have the autonomy of holding and inspecting his food, so very different from his big brothers.
I bought a BLW book, and tried some food from there and he took to weaning better. I’d really struggled with purées he just didn’t like a spoon put in his face.
I’m not a BLW convert at all to be honest but at least he became more interested in food and it alleviated some pressure.

@AcrossthePond55

This really made me smile! Brilliant

Nothing to add to the already good advice here but I can sympathise and think you are a funny, emotionally intelligent, lovely mum.

Hi, have you tried going dairy free? It could be that he is allergic to something that gives him tummy ache so he feeds to soothe himself which makes his tummy hurt so he feeds and viscous circle. My son had a mild intolerance to dairy which we didn't work out until about 9 months. He gained weight and wasn't sick so we didn't think. Weaning made it worse as did formula which is what made us realise. He was a different child dairy free. My youngest also was a bottle refusing nightmare. However he had to cope at Childminder as I went back to work. He didn't eat much and cried a lot for a while but he did eventually give in. So much anxiety and tears and one day just took a bottle. I kept feeding him didn't have to go cold turkey like I thought I might have to.

So have a breather he will be fine. He is cross crying not distressed he's with his dad he needs you to be sane and well too so see a friend have a coffee walk pram free.

And when I say a while we are talking weeks of settling in sessions and me being back at work crying he was a stubborn child. Still is at 2 😂

My DD was bf to about 8 months. I had PND, and couldn't take it any more, I tried a bottle and a cup, she would have none of it
DH decided for my health she needed to go cold turkey, so for about 3 days, he looked after her, fed her (solids as she wouldn't take any milk), she didn't eat much the first day, but by the end of day 3, she was a happy bunny and wasn't worried about bf. Although 16 years later she's not a big milk drinker.

8 months is a rubbish bit, they are aware of all the things they want to do (explore, communicate, make toys do things) but they can't do most of them and it frustrates the hell out of them. Leading to lots of frustrated whining and frazzled SAHM who is stuck at home with them all day, especially if it's your first and you don't have a good routine of mum groups/mum friends (unlikely at this stage). If you're coming to the end of maternity leave as well the guilt is awful, and if you're not the sense of groundhog day is sickening and "What have I done??". And their sleep is often still crap, and it feels like Thursday in that respect - like it's been FOR EVER so it must be time for it to improve by now (sadly not, 10-12 months is usually a bit of a jump, though, and improvements do seem to stick from then on, unlike up until now) AND it's often a rubbish time in terms of teething, and it's a horrible transitioning bit where they are still drinking loads of milk but seem to need to eat (or be offered ) solids ten times a day as well so it's just never ending food-related crap.

It does get MUCH better than this. Promise.

For now - survival. Cosleep for part or all of the night if it helps. If not and you feel like it, sleep training is not the end of the world for a baby who is loved and attended to during the day.

Get OUT of the house. Baby groups, doesn't matter what it is, throw money at it if you can. Baby signing is quite a genius one to do now because in about 3 months' time it will pay off.

Food before one is just for fun - OK - it's not strictly accurate, BUT IF IT HELPS? It can be your mantra. Do not compare with the food loving baby in the facebook group (Guilty mum of food loving baby here - but my first didn't eat more than a bite a day for 22 months, I have done NOTHING different. It is not you. It's them and it's OK.)

Go out without the baby sometimes/get your partner to take him out without you. Feed immediately before leaving. At 8 months he can (definitely) go 3 hours between breastfeeds, if he's distracted enough. If he will take solid foods, you can stretch that to 4, or 5. He might prefer to have breastmilk within that time period if you're around, but if you're not, he will manage. But in reality even 1-2 hours to yourself a couple of times a week, if you feel very anxious about him being without access to milk. But IME this is utterly essential - not just for you to recharge, but also for the bond between baby and dad, for dad to build confidence about being able to settle him without you, and crucially - for dad to understand what it is like to be in sole charge of the baby without the option to call you for backup (medical emergencies excepted) and gain those little management skills, which will enable him to step in when you're both with the baby, and prevent you from being saddled as "default parent" forever and ever, which causes burnout, resentment, and will erode your marriage as well as your sanity.

No you can't really push the solids thing, other than trying various approaches, BLW, smooth purees, lumpy ones, loaded spoons, soft, hard, crunchy, different flavours - bland, salty, sweet, spicy, sour, bitter, etc, but it is likely to get better - this is just a crap transition bit. Lots of babies are slow to start, but I bet you've never met a five year old who is still entirely reliant on the breast - he will absolutely get there, they all do. (And very much sooner than 5).

I don't think you should stop breastfeeding and can understand you might not want to. I also think it is absolutely OK to say "Right now I do not want to breastfeed for the next (15/40/120) minutes/I cannot stand this fluttery sucking any more, boob is off limits, please do something else, baby." (Or to partner) "Please take this baby away and distract him". I've had two DC who do not have bottles, and this is absolutely fair - on demand does not have to mean every single whim.

Good luck - and solidarity :)

And neither of mine took a dummy after about 5-6 months either.

I have so much sympathy. DD1 was a very difficult baby too.

Here’s a few suggestions if you can face it:

• More naps. Will he sleep in the buggy or sling? If so then stick him in it 2x3 times a day and go for a looong walk. If he’s been hardly sleeping he’s probably overtired and that won’t be helping his mood or anything else. More naps will help the nighttime sleep.

• Try going dairy free as a pp suggested. You’d have to cut it out of both his diet (fairly easy) and yours (not so easy). Takes a few weeks to see if it’s helped but if he does have a dairy protein allergy the change can be quite huge.

• Movement. Do you have a Jumperoo? Sit in walker? (yes yes I know they are controversial but I think they are ok if you are super careful about safety and supervise at all times) Can be bought second hand and these two things saved me with DD1 who was desperate to move but couldn’t yet.

• And yes yes, get DH to do as much as possible. At the weekends everything to do with the baby except BF is his job. Getting him to nap and trying to feed solids, for example. You can do the adult cooking or laundry or whatever instead (if you’re like me, the laundry will feel like a joy compared with looking after grumpy baby).

Give yourself a break OP!

Text your DH to get some formula, book yourself travelodge for the night and go and have a long bath and a full night's sleep. You can go home tomorrow morning, feeling well rested, and tackle day feeling fresh.

Has there been any change in his bowel movements? I definitely wouldn’t restrict his or your diet without testing firsts.
Has he has any gastric issues lately?
My dd would be lactose sensitive after tummy bugs.

I second a jumparoo or walker, you can adjust the walker do his feet don’t touch the ground.

My sisters baby was like yours, I remember her crying and kissing her daughter saying I love you over and over. She used to feel so guilty about not liking her.

Annabelle Karamel has great cook books, a great tip I got was babies don’t need breakfast in the morning.
I used to give dd sweet potato first thing followed by a breastfeed and in the evening she would have rice before her feed. She ate better early in the day.

Good luck & mind yourself x