I've walked out. I'm such an awful mum

[Rosebud1302]

I posted here a week or so ago about my nearly 8 month old baby who cries moans and whinges ALL THE TIME. I have had one nice day with him in weeks and weeks. The other days he is quite frankly not nice to be around. He doesn't want to play for more than ten minutes before the whinging starts. I can't sit down with him or he cries. I have to stand up and bounce him. He likes being outside which we do every day but I can't spend all day every day outside it just isn't practical. To add to it the last few nights he has barely slept. I don't know if this is teething, leap 6 or what. I just don't know anymore.

Today I've reached my limit. I can't take anymore. I've been ok up until this point and not cracked but today after telling me with sleep cues he is tired and then screaming at me for an hour because he won't sleep I've had it. I'm done. I've walked out and left him with my partner (his dad) and I don't want to go back. I am such an awful mum why can't I deal with this. Why have I walked out why I can't I cope. I just don't know how to get through this period. I look at my friend's babies who play together smile laugh and mine just doesn't (very rarely). He cries when people talk to him. He cries if other babies touch him. I feel embarrassed when I meet friends because he is the only one like this.

My partner is lovely but does not understand what it is like. He gets home after baby is in bed. He doesn't understand what I have all week. He gets to carry on with his life like nothing has happened. I miss my life. I miss doing what I want when I want. I miss not having a baby attached to me. He is ebf and won't tolerate a bottle or cup so I can't leave him.

I'm so sorry for the long post. I just needed to write this all down. I'm sat in my car sobbing because I know I need to go home but I know he will be crying still.

You absolutely need a break! Most women do! Yours today is just an impromptu break lol.
Very definitely try to get DH to give him a bottle.

Thanks so much everyone I am overwhelmed by your kind words of support. I'm not sure I can remember everyone's questions to reply to them all but I have taken each and every comment on board.

I think my partner now absolutely understands how frazzled I am. I came home and baby had a quick nap and medicine and was feeling much better. Then the medicine wore off and now he is randomly bursting into tears and also crying and chewing on my boob. I feel teething is a big issue here I really do.

Yes we have a jumperoo and he loves it. Naps are tricky and he was fine up until a few days ago when these extreme teething symptoms started. I must add that his nighttime sleep is normally good it is only these last 3 days he has basically not slept and yes I absolutely agree the poor thing is knackered yet in discomfort and can't sleep :(

I struggle with the dairy intolerance like I said because I feel he would be like this from day 1 with no let up - he had a good few months of being generally fine and happy. He also sleeps well at night and loves being outdoors. Surely he would be awful ALL the time if he was permanently in pain?? Not counting these last 2/3 days.

He is baby led when it comes to weaning and always has been. For the most part he loves exploring food but he just doesn't actually eat much of it at all. He will try it and have some but definitely not enough to sustain him. A food diary might work but he has barely eaten any solids the last week as he has not been interested at all and he is worse now than he was before.

I think in all honesty after reflection I might need to accept there is a lot going on. He is almost 100% teething. Going through a lot of developmental changes and frustrated because he isn't moving at all. He has always been a bit of a high needs sensitive clingy boy and I think this is all making things a lot worse.

We are sat having lovely cuddles watching nursery rhymes together because it is all he wants to do right now so I'm fine with that.

You’ve had some great advice in this thread so more than anything I’m adding solidarity!

Your ds sounds similar to my dd, it’s so, so hard and there’s just no let up in what the situation demands of you. I went back to work part time at 8/9 months and desperately wanted to stay at home hut with hindsight it was the best thing that could have happened at that point for me. She wasn’t the easiest to settle into the childminders but we got there.

Dd is now 3 (and my biggest fan - honestly the girl is obsessed) but I survived and you will too. I haven’t quite got over how hard I found her first eighteen months or so, but even now I stand by the school of thought that a lot of stuff just didn’t suit her when people were giving me well meaning advice. It just induced guilt that I couldn’t get her to sleep or break the desperate need she had for me when everyone was treating me like a martyr. They just didn’t get ‘it.

I will say that I noticed a dramatic difference in dd’s temper when she’d cut her last tooth (around 2.5). Pain makes me grumpy too to be fair, teething goes on forever.

Sorry cross posted, but what are you giving him for teething? I just wanted to make sure you knew you can alternate ibuprofen and paracetamol, so two hourly spacing and keeping track of the maximum dosages per 24hrs for both. I found ibuprofen much better than paracetamol, but at dd’s Worst the two combined made such a difference.

Ideally ibuprofen should be given with food but giving after a bf should be okay since you can give it from 4 months.

Hi op! I could have written your thread a few months back! Lo is 16 months now and I still have days when I want to walk out!
It's honestly the hardest thing I've ever done being a mum, and there were times where I thought I'm not cut out to be a mum at all! I still think it now from time to time!
Lo is very clingy too, very sensitive, it does get easier with time though!
I think you'll notice a difference when he's crawling, alot of it is probably frustration as he wants to be in the move now!
When my ds was a similar age the days seemed horrendous, long and very over whelming! I could count on one hand the number of nice times we had together, but it gets better!
Just try and get out and give yourself a break, you need it for your sanity!
Even if it's just a coffee with a friend between feeds if your struggling to get him on a bottle.
Hugs op! Your not a bad mummy at all!

For teething, I used to take white terry flannels, boil them in clean water, wring lightly, roll them up then fold the roll in half, and freeze them in sandwich bags. I'd give one to the baby to chew on. Something about the freezing temp and the 'roughness' of the flannel seemed to soothe their gums.

You can put a waterproof bib on them if you don't want them to get wet when the rag starts to thaw.

What you are doing is the most important and often the hardest thing. And you are not, I repeat not, a bad mother. Not in the slightest.

You are a human being. You need a break sometimes or you will break.
It is obvious how much you love your child. Please never bear yourself up about it. They go through an enormous amount of change and some of it causes them lots of pain and teething in particular.

I would hesitate to say you sound depressed, I don’t think it’s PND but I’m not an expert. You just sound frazzled and fed up. And who wouldn’t be.

My third baby is incredibly clingy, full on and at sisters months still totally addicted to the boob. He also has only slept one night in his cot, and he is teething like nobody’s business and all in the wrong order. It is bloody monumentally exhausting. So I’m sending some solidarity and a “we will get though it “ because again like others wanted you to know you are not alone.

If they’ve survived without you for a few hours today then perhaps every Saturday and Sunday have a bit of time just for you. I always find when I have some I go back and feel more refreshed and invigorated. And it reminds me of how much I love them all.

Hope things get a little easier soon.
💐☕️🍰

It's the worlds crappest advice but they do grow out of this stage I've walked out a few times on mine and just sat in the park to calm down away from them at that age because like you it got to much and it's completely normal to reach that point. It will get easier x

It could we'll still be dairy - you see, he might have outgrown intolerance to the levels he was getting through your milk (which are tiny - so some intolerant babies never react through mum's milk), but then be reacting to it now he's weaned, as those levels will be much higher.

Do bear in mind that it could also be another food causing probs as well/instead of - gluten would be a strong candidate, as would soya, which is v similar to the protein in dairy.

He could well still be intolerant even if he sleeps OK and is distracted out and about - if he's generally pretty miserable that's a good sign there's something.not right.

I'd really advise doing a careful food diary, or trying out methodical exclusion for a couple of weeks, and seeing if that yields any insight.

To the PP who suggested earplugs: yes!

DD was like this: a high needs non sleeping no napping baby who cried a lot. The saving grace was she was FF so I could at least leave her with DH and get away from the grind of it all.

I used to stare longingly at other people's happy napping babies and think WHY DIDNT I GET ONE LIKE THAT!!

it's one of the reasons that DD is an only child.

Be kind to yourself OP, what you are feeling is normal and it won't last forever. My DD is how 5 and the calmest kindest loveliest child you ever met. She has never had even one tantrum.

You will get through this.

You're not a bad mum for needing a break. I remember one particular occasion in the middle of the night with DS1 where I was close to leaving - the only thing stopping me was I don't drive and had nowhere to go! 😄
My first also wasn't particularly interested in food until he was about 12-13 months and still doesn't have a big appetite. DS2 is the polar opposite and wolfs anything in sight - of course that threw me completely as I didn't know if I was overfeeding him!
I'm going against the grain but I don't think stopping BF is always the silver bullet that people make it out to be - so long as you are still happy to do it then I think it can be helpful to have that closeness. But it is a two way relationship and obviously if you're not happy then don't continue.
8 months is a tough age, particularly if the baby is teething. And to be honest at that age they don't really play much - they're still pretty reliant on you for all their entertainment. But I promise it does get better. Hang in there, take some time for yourself and make sure your partner is sharing the load.

Poor you, one of mine was like this.
If I were your DSis I would say, stop day time breast feeding. No need to mess about with bottles he will cotton on very quickly that calories come from food and if he is thirsty liquids come from beakers.
I would also consider getting a job or at least having him looked after a little each week.
I have been where you are , out of the house all hours and it is definitely better than being at home.
Most of all I would ask for help. Let people know you are struggling. In a month or two you will be on a different phase so this time with a miserable non mobile child will pass( I realise that 2 months sounds like an eon ).
If you like bf and would feel sad about stopping then carry on but limit it a bit to nights only. If you are lucky , once he is mobile and eating well he may get sleep better( one of mine did) which would help a lot.

Yikes, at 8 months babies still need breastmilk in the daytime. They can't just eat solid food in the day at that age, especially if OP's DS is only eating small amounts. And if he is only eating tiny amounts he probably hasn't really twigged that food = full tummy yet either. Let him have a chance to get there before she cuts off the milk supply completely! :)

Don't want to give any more advice just want to say you sound a great mum, not crap in the least.
I didn't enjoy the baby stage that much, love my dc though. Hang in there.

My ds wouldn’t take any kind of bottle, teat or dummy but I had to work so from the age yours is I left him for 5-6hrs three times a week and he was totally FINE. He ate food and breastfed when I collected him and didn’t lose weight.
For your own sanity OP please go out and leave him with your partner more often.

Sorry everyone for the late reply. Took a long long time to settle my poor boy tonight. This is very abnormal for him to be this unsettled especially at bedtime so something is clearly going on.

Just wanted to reply again saying thank you so so much for all of your lovely comments and stories. You have really made me feel much more reassured that I'm not alone and things will get better eventually. I love him more than anything and just want to see him enjoying life!

For teething I am using both calpol and neurofen every two hours alternating which seems to offer some relief if not much.

I am definitely going to make a point of spending more time at weekends without him and just taking a break. I do think it's desperately needed so I can continue to enjoy bf him until I return to work.

I am feeling so much better than I did earlier. You are all lovely :) xx

Nurofen is every 6 hours and paracetamol is every 4 hours.

I think I posted on your other thread, and you’ve got some great advice already but yup, I feel you. And you’re not a crap mum. It’s hard.

At 12 months I went to the doctor after realising that I was probably dealing with anxiety, fuelled by lack of sleep. My GP agreed and was great. together we made a plan that basically went:

Get some sleep
Create time for yourself

I mean it was a bit more detailed but that’s basically the gist! You need to have time, your partner probably wants you to take time as he can see you’re struggling. Do it.

Oh and mine didn’t really go for food until he was 12 months or so. He was a purée kid, texture just made him gag. Teething can make everything seem terrible.

My dd got sore ears when teething, might be worth investigating.

I ebf 2 out of 3 of my DC, if I were you, I'd think about switching to a thicker formula and weaning. He might be hungry. He might be hungry and teething. You have done so well ebf for 8 months, I'd have moved him over months ago. Kudos to you.

He will get used to a bottle if he has no choice, you need a break and that is so hard to do when he is, literally, attached to you. Your husband can pick up some slack if he can feed him. I'm sure both your DH and your DS would rather mummy wasn't miserably exhausted. Be kind to yourself op. 💐

My youngest was the same. A battery operated swingy chair was a lifesaver.

This describes my middle child. Months and months and months of hideousness. Kept taking them to dr and being dismissed as problem mum. Finally they were diagnosed with a serious UTI at 1 year old. Do you think yr baby could be in pain, even intermittently?

My first born was a gem, happy, easy baby, great sleeper, had it all..... then along came our DS, he was (still can be) a grumpy, whingy, non sleeper.

I completely understand the desire to run away. Sometimes the constant whinging is so completely draining that it blows your mind just how much it sucks, it makes you wonder if you did the right thing having your baby... then they smile or laugh and for a moment you remember just why you love them so much.

You are not a bad Mum, some babies are just easier and when you are breastfeeding ( I assume that's why you had to get back at a certain time to feed him) it makes the 'trapped' feeling worse.

I think what you actually need to do is give yourself permission to 'run away' a bit more often, when your DP gets home, leave the house for half an hour, take a break, get a coffee/cold drink/whatever and just reboot for a short time, trust me, your mind will thank you for it and it will make you feel so much better.

It does get easier as they get bigger, you can take them to places more easily and have them actually enjoy it and you will be able to relax a little as well. My Mr grumpy is almost 2 and still has his grumpy days but for the most part his happy to play outside or in the house by himself while I keep an eye on him and get things done.

Also I forgot to say that our second child did have a constant string of colds/viruses etc and was prone to ear infections so it is worth getting him checked (especially his ears) if he is grumpier than usual.

With ear infections they don't sleep well as when they are laid down the pressure in their ear/s causes more pain so they can't settle (understandably).

I just read all of your updates, to piggy back Panadol and Nurofen you would give the Panadol at say 12 then Nurofen at 4 then Panadol at 8, this way the Panadol and Nurofen should still be working when you give the dose of the alternate medicine.

Your updates also suggest ear infection to me, we went through quite a few of them, the first one I had no idea until his eardrum burst and he settled (the burst drum relieved the pain) but before that he just wouldn't settle, piggy backing pain relief didn't tide him over, he couldn't feed properly so was popping on and off the breast (fed better on the non infected side as it was less painful) and he was just so upset. Hopefully your LO doesn't have an ear infection but I would get him checked ASAP if he is still unsettled.