Dad getting up early is this fair? How do you do it?

[SnowWhite26]

Hi
So I am feeling guilty as us mums do and just wanted to see what ppl thought. So I have a 3.5 year old and nearly 7 month old. They have been in a room together for nearly a month and apart from odd morning haven't disturbed each other. My oh is working im on mat leave. So I do night feeds (Normally one bottle) baby somtimes goes straight bk to sleep sometimes decides to chat for half an hour or so. Then for about 5 45 onwards if baby wakes i want oh to deal with it so i can sleep a bit. Sometimes I am awake at night for 1.5-2 hrs coz he is chatting and in awake listening. This morning baby woke at 4.45 so i gave him anotyer bottle but he didnt want it i cuddlled him and put him down but he woke up

What time does your DH usually get up?

Woops posted to soon.anyway i left him there but 15 mins later really squaking and getting a bit angry.Annoyed i woke oh whuch I rarely do so early he tried to settle but brought him out at 5.20 and begrudgingly got up. He says hes tired to but it seems like im the only one allowed to be tired. Should we take early mornings in turns as he works? I have a challenging 3.5 year old atm and when really tired find it a real challenge. Anyone else think im unfair? Sorry for long msg just wanted to put full story down. Thanks

Well before baby we all woke at 7. My 3.5 yr old used to wake at 5.30 till about 2 and we would take ot in turns to get up. I dont want that tp happen again i want baby to learn not to wake then haha Anyway she would sleep through till 5.30 no wakings at that age

You both need as much sleep as you can get. Him working is not an excuse to opt out of family life.

I get home at 6.30pm, do dinner, homework and the bedtime routine. Then I go to bed at 10pm and wake up at 5am to get stuff done.

If he’s tired, he can go to bed earlier.

You should do them and let him stay in bed before he goes to work.
I don't expect or ask my husband to do any of the night stuff and I honestly am gong into my 2 year olds room over 10 times a night plus regularly changing his sheets in the night which is another story

I don't expect or ask my husband to do any of the night stuff and I honestly am gong into my 2 year olds room over 10 times a night plus regularly changing his sheets in the night which is another story

You’re a complete mug then and shouldn’t be giving advice to anyone else.

OP, as a PP said, if he’s tired he can go to bed earlier.

I think while your on maternity leave you should do it but if you are going back to work then a plan needs making to take turns. If he has a day off then that would be fair for him to do the early get up and let you sleep in but I think when he’s at work he shouldn’t have to. I don’t ask my OH to do any night feeds or get up early when he’s got to go to work all day. Yes I’m exhausted some days but then I think imagine being this tired and being at work too it would be awful.
What time are the children going to bed? Are you going to bed early ?
My DD is 9 weeks old and goes down for the night between 8&9pm and I go straight to bed once she’s down so I get a decent amount of sleep.
Also what does your OH do for a job?
Does he help out in others ways?

You should do weekday wakings and mornings, and he should do weekends.

Thanks for your replies. I think I feel that way. I have had a really tough couple of weeks coz 3 yr old has been really pushing it. Was trying to explain tp husband Sleep deprivation ia a different thing to tiredness effecting the way you think. He has been having a busy tine at work though. He goes out on the odd sat night as hes in a band but is then really tired. He gets on with family stuff but is struggling on the Sunday normally. Its great he gets up early but is starting to whinge and thinks we should take it in turns which is why i was asking. He goes to bed at 10-11ish then sleeps till 5 or 6 depending on baby. I go to bed after sorting house out at 8.30-9 and wake for 1-2 hrs most nights then sometimes early morning to persuade baby to go bk to sleep.

For a time i used to go bed early like with the children at 8pm. Any kids waking up before my husband went to bed he would deal with so I could sleep. Then once he was in bed I would attend to children.

You have to find what works for you as a family. We are not all mugs because we tend to the children overnight.

I don't expect or ask my husband to do any of the night stuff and I honestly am gong into my 2 year olds room over 10 times a night plus regularly changing his sheets in the night which is another story

I don’t expect my DH to do it either, but as he’s a nice man who doesn’t want to see me on my knees with exhaustion while he skips off to work with a spring in his step after a solid 8 hours sleep, he does it through choice.
Everyone needs sleep, whether you’re working or not.

Me and dp alternate mornings and who puts dd to bed each night. I work part time, him full time but we would have done the same regardless - we're equal parents, we both need sleep (it's easier going to work than looking after dc all day imo!)

You can't ask someone who has to work all day to be doing feeds in the week. The sahp should sort the baby weekdays and the working parent should do weekends.

Call me old fashioned, but if you are on maternity leave and Your DH is at work he should never be expected to wake up early/in the night with his DC.

Is 5.20 that early??? I would think lots of people with a long commute will be up at 6 anyway, leave the house by 7 latest.

Stop trying to live a 'normal' life of sitting up til 10-11 watching TV. Get to bed by 9, 5am is them 9 hours sleep, how much sleep does DH think he needs??? You've only a few years of this then the rest of your life to sleep til late.

Yes I’m exhausted some days but then I think imagine being this tired and being at work too it would be awful.

FFS, he wouldn’t be that exhausted, the idea is to share the load so that you’re both quite tired, but neither of you are exhausted. Why is it ok for you and the OP to suffer while looking after a 9 week old, or a 7 month old plus a challenging 3.5 year old? That’s hard work! It’s important work!

Yes dont get me wrong hes a great dad. I dont have an issue with doing the night stuff. I just think its the 2 children thing atm and tiredness as well. You just dont get a minute to think. I get jealous of his drive to and from work his lunch break lol. My brain is constantly whirling about family stuff. An hr to myself in the morning know hes in charge of kids is great lol.if he did night abd early mornings at weekend be would be a mess. I accept that women are just naturally more responsive at night to do feeding etc lol

All this talk of ‘expecting’... do none of you have partners who want to help out because they love you and don’t want to see you an exhausted wreck?
Makes me glad for my DH.

I agree it is easier to go to work than be the stay at home parent.
Try different things to see what works for your family

if you're up in the night he should get up early. or you take turns with everything. just because he's working doesn't mean you should constantly be tired! you are still a human being who needs sleep to function regardelss of what you are doing. it's not like you're putting your feet up all day! if he's tired from getting up early he can go to bed earlier and still get enough sleep. you will have a disturbed night either way which is bad for your health and will make it more difficult to be patient and deal with your 3 year old. I'm very shocked at people saying otherwise!

I do night feeds its just the early mornings i kinda think we should work a system out on. I have always gone to bed earlier and needed more sleep than him even before kids. Its so tricky to coz i just get really down on everyone when im exhausted.

Also im not expecting anything from him im asking what works with others and if im being fair. He is great and does loads. Its just this problem that gets tricky! X

Maybe stop the tiredness competition. Imv you win hands down but he isn't seeing it that way.
Try to have a really sensible chat. Ask for something reasonable eg he does early mornings at weekend or if he is going out with band that shifts to mon and Tue ....Or perhaps it would be better for you to get out and away from all the responsibility so twice a week you go swimming/ running / pub with friend - anything just to get a proper break.

He can watch box sets 24/7 when he is in his care home. Sitting up late (probably unwinding from work) is not on when there are little ones around.

If one of you is absolutely exhausted while the other is well rested it’s not going to make a nice home environment for anyone. We work on the basis that we can both cope with being tired (me at home with a 5 year old, 3 year old and a baby and him at work full time), and neither of us need be exhausted. Makes for much for harmonious family life.

5:20am isn’t really a night feed though, it’s morning when a lot of people get up anyway. Your dh does sound a bit lazy. I mean even once a week isn’t going to affect him that much.

Tbh if he sees your exhausted he should help out. Isn’t that the point of a relationship? You are there for each other?
Definitely no excuse at the weekends.
We try to have one get up and help out or one put to bed. This allows at least an hour of time to myself to sort myself out.
My dd is now 5 and still doesn’t sleep all night every night. It’s very annoying but we have to push through. We’ve changed our bedtimes and waking times accordingly. Make the suggestion to your dh that it’s absolutely possible for him to go to bed earlier and get up for 5:30!