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Original poster

Dad getting up early is this fair? How do you do it?

85 replies

SnowWhite26 · 20/03/2019 06:11

Hi
So I am feeling guilty as us mums do and just wanted to see what ppl thought. So I have a 3.5 year old and nearly 7 month old. They have been in a room together for nearly a month and apart from odd morning haven't disturbed each other. My oh is working im on mat leave. So I do night feeds (Normally one bottle) baby somtimes goes straight bk to sleep sometimes decides to chat for half an hour or so. Then for about 5 45 onwards if baby wakes i want oh to deal with it so i can sleep a bit. Sometimes I am awake at night for 1.5-2 hrs coz he is chatting and in awake listening. This morning baby woke at 4.45 so i gave him anotyer bottle but he didnt want it i cuddlled him and put him down but he woke up

OP posts:

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naughtynorm · 20/03/2019 08:11

He should be fine to get up at 5.30 after a good nights sleep.

When I was on mat leave with dtwins dh used to sleep in the spare room. I used to go to bed at 9ish then dh would give them the 10.30 bottle and I'd do the rest of the night feeds.

It's hard not to get into competitive tiredness but it just makes the situation worse.

roundligament · 20/03/2019 08:15

Also to say if I am sick I don't do the nights. If our son is sick he sleeps with my husband in the bed. When I was pregnant I was so ill I couldn't go downstairs for weeks on end and my husband looked after everything for me, including emptying my urine bag.
I am pregnant with our second child and my body is now heavier then it was and I am less agile getting out of bed. But I will do this until it's unpleasant then my husband will.
He did all the night feeds for over a month after my son was born because I was sick, recovering from surgery and also really anxious and depressed.
This time he will do the night feeds again whilst I recover from surgery.
It doesn't make you a mug if you do the night shift and the husband goes to work or vice a versa. I take huge insult to this comment.

Raspberry88 · 20/03/2019 08:19

I wonder how your husband feels hearing you use words like "mug" it's not very polite.

I would imagine her husband would be completely disinterested as I imagine he has no desire to police her language.
I really hate this attitude though, I think it's really damaging to mental health. Inequality isn't just part of being a mum, being dangerously sleep deprived isn't just part of being a mum, putting yourself last isn't just part of being a mum.
My DH also looks after us wonderfully...I mean, incredible, put himself out there, work extremely hard to better our lives wonderfully. He still wants to get up with DS and do his breakfast because he wants to care for him...to have a great relationship with him.

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timeisnotaline · 20/03/2019 08:22

If you’re unwell or still recovering...etc that’s different but both of you have a FT job, one out of the house and one in it!

FT in job terms means 9-5, or 8-6 or 8-8 even but babies can be 24h jobs. While my husband is at work I parent , when he’s not we share so we both get some off time. I do more night wakings but when I’m exhausted I wake dh to take a turn.

Celebelly · 20/03/2019 08:22

'I wonder how your husband feels hearing you use words like "mug" it's not very polite'

Christ almighty, have we entered some sort of time warp? God forbid he hears the word 'fuck'.

We have a five week old DD. DP takes her anywhere from 6am in morning if I want to sleep another couple of hours. He helps get us sorted downstairs and looks after her while I have breakfast. When he gets home from work, he sorts out the house if I haven't managed to get anything done and cooks us dinner. I've never asked him to do this. He does it because he's a decent human being and wants to do what he can for us.

Raspberry88 · 20/03/2019 08:23

Also, I don't think that we can compare different situations. Being at home with a baby in a good routine or a biddable toddler is very different to an exhausting, constant battle to do anything. I'm glad you're happy with how you do things roundligament. It wouldn't work for everyone.

ArmchairTraveller · 20/03/2019 08:27

We split the childcare when mine were small (almost the same age gap as OP) I went back to work ft as the higher earner when mine were 6 months and almost 4. It wasn’t the easier option, and I’d rather have been a SAHP. His time management was very good, so very little time spent pottering around doing bits and bobs. He also did all the laundry and worked 3-4 hours from home.
Sit down and talk honestly with each other, and work out a plan.

justsotired2 · 20/03/2019 08:37

Just because you're on maternity leave it doesn't mean you should feel like constant shit due to tiredness. Me and my OH do alternate feeds in the night.

abcriskringle · 20/03/2019 08:38

This is exactly what DH and I used to do when I was on mat leave - I'd sort out night feeds then anytime from 5am he'd get up with baby so I could snatch an hour before he needed to get ready for work. It's not unreasonable and luckily my DH is not an arsehole, nor does he buy into the myth that women don't need sleep while on mat leave, so it was never an issue. Oh and he used to let me have both Saturday and Sunday lie-ins because I breastfed so he couldn't ever do a night shift. Somehow he survived on his fairly standard 8 hour sleep each night despite early mornings and no lie-ins......

GottaGetUp · 20/03/2019 08:56

I wonder how your husband feels hearing you use words like "mug" it's not very polite.

Ha!

My husband would be horrified to hear about a man leaving his wife to get up 10 times in the night and changing the sheets multiple times without help. He would feel very sorry for you, were you not a forum using your example as to why women should suffer with exhaustion while their partners carry on with life as normal.

SoyDora · 20/03/2019 09:01

My husband would be horrified to hear about a man leaving his wife to get up 10 times in the night and changing the sheets multiple times without help

Mine too.

Hugtheduggee · 20/03/2019 09:28

There are a lot of mummy martyrs on here. Its funny how men seemingly cant cope with any disruption in sleep and all have 'super important jobs'.

We shared all night feedings, and have shared the sleepless nights. Wr did that when I was off work and he was working, when he was off work and I was working, when neither of us have been working and both of us working.

It really is a case where a problem shared is halved. Sharing for us meant that rarely were either of us exhausted or sleep deprived. Sometimes we've both been a bit tired, but both functional, perfectly able to work etc. Both people regularly having 5 hours sleep is better than one person having 2 hours and the other person a straight 9 every night. Sleep is a basic human right. Even if nights aren't fully shared, early morning wake ups etc should be. I have very little respect for people.who think working = entitlement to unbroken sleep every night, and feel that partners thst enable or encourage this ARE mugs, whether they like that view or not.

chocatoo · 20/03/2019 10:21

My DH had to be up and out of the house by 6 so no, he wasn't really in a position to deal with the baby at 5.30 am. He doesn't have a 'super important' job, but he is expected to put in long hours and constantly meet targets. Doesn't have the kind of boss who would be sympathetic to yawning because of being up with the baby.
Each couple has to do what works for them. I can remember saying to my DH that could he please make me a cup of tea and a slice of toast before he left in the morning as otherwise I wouldn't have the chance to eat/drink all day until he got home at night - I really meant it when I said it but of course now I look back and laugh.

Wallsbangers · 20/03/2019 11:02

It depends on a number of factors - who needs what sleep, when you can both try to catch up with some sleep, being safe to drive, whether you can nap during the day.

SoyDora · 20/03/2019 14:33

My DH had to be up and out of the house by 6 so no, he wasn't really in a position to deal with the baby at 5.30 am

But proof that a man can get up at 5.30am (which is what the OP is asking of her DH) and still function effectively at work.

kingfisherblue33 · 20/03/2019 15:54

I wonder how your husband feels hearing you use words like "mug" it's not very polite.

It's extremely polite compared to a lot of other words!

And my h wouldn't have the slightest interest in policing my language because I'm an adult who can do that myself! Heavens. Is it suddenly the 1850s?

HenSolo · 20/03/2019 17:59

Absolutely flabbergasted at some of the replies on here. As if being a full time mum isn’t the hardest fucking job I’ve ever had in my life. You need sleep. If your husband doesn’t help with SOME night stuff you are not being supported. I have done the majority as a SAHM but dh has always helped especially when I’m on my knees with tiredness. Why? Because he loves me and we are a partnership and both of our jobs are very, very important.

Urgh, I think women who expect their FT working partner to do and equal share of ‘night stuff’ whilst they themselves are on maternity leave, are THE WORST!!

Looking after children not an important job then? Want to tell that to my nanny friends?

jelliebelly · 20/03/2019 18:21

There has to be a compromise here but if you're on mat leave I think you have to do the lions share. If dh drives any distance then lack of sleep can be dangerous - agree that it doesn't stop you functioning in most office jobs though. To put into context I get up at 530am to commute to work it is not the middle of the night!

SauvingnonBlanketyBlanc · 20/03/2019 18:24

Me and dh had an agreement that any night wakings before 1am he did,anything after then I did as he was working

KondoKonvert · 20/03/2019 18:36

I'm amazed by a lot of the replies on this thread. I hate the idea that you have children and therefore martyr yourself.

Much of this depends on how many children you have and how old they are. If you're on mat leave or a SAHP with one child, it's very different to being at home with 3. If you have one, you can catch up on a quick nap if you're lucky to have a child who sleeps during the day. You can't do that if you've got a rampant toddler on your hands too.

Your DH getting up at 5.30am is not asking too much if you're up several times a night. It's a miserable existence and any broken sleep is hard.

Original poster

SnowWhite26 · 20/03/2019 21:16

Wow! I can't believe the amount of responses in here! Its insane the different opinions and wats ppl do things. I wasn't being a martyr or lazy I was purely trying to be fair to my husband. We have talked today and agree that early mornings are his thing unless hes knackered. There has been so great advice on here so thanks. I just hopey 7 month old finds a routine so we know what kinda time he will wake up. Its so hard. Hes teething and a bit off his milk atm but ate loads of solids for tea. He then only had 3oz milk for bedtime feed so who knows what tonight and tommorow morning will bring. He went to bed for a nap at 7 after his 5 oclock wake up and my 3 year old got up. I dont really want that to be the norm. He didnt have breakfast coz he slept through it!x

OP posts:

Merename · 20/03/2019 21:20

This is a really interesting discussion that I think highlights how gender inequalities and stereotypes are perpetuated by women as much as men half the time. I’m not suggesting that equality means both partners do the same thing - a couple has to work out what suits their own circumstances, but I’m a bit saddened by the feeling from many posters that the dads sleep must be protected at all costs for work, as if the mum on mat leave isn’t working. I’ve never had a harder job in my life!! I have a responsible job where people depend on me but it’s a piece of piss compared to the demands of caring for tiny dictators whilst sleep deprived and trying to be kind and entertaining.

DH also has a medical job that requires concentration, so we have certain nights we agree that he doesn’t help, due to what he has on the next day, but even on those he will get up early in the morning if needed. And he always says ‘if it’s too bad, get me up’, which I do some nights when it’s so bad it’s hard to function. It’s all come and go and respecting and cherishing the other.

Ginger1982 · 20/03/2019 21:41

Meteor if, as you say, both parents have a full time job, one in the house and one out of it and assuming that the SAHP in this scenario starts 'work' at 5.30am having also been up through the night, are you saying she's expected to carry on through the evenings even once her husband comes home, thus technically always working?

BlackCatSleeping · 21/03/2019 00:32

I’m glad you have come to a compromise, OP.

I used to hate mornings and loved staying up late but my last child was an early riser so I had to get in the habit of going to bed earlier and waking up earlier. Now she sleeps longer, I still get up at 5 am most days and consider 7 am a lie in. I actually learned to enjoy mornings, so hopefully your husband will too.

Caterina99 · 21/03/2019 03:51

I’m a sahm. DH has never done a night feed as I breast fed. And I never wake him up to deal with the kids (currently age 1 and 3) in the night. However the deal is that he gets up with them on a morning and I get to sleep in for a bit. Anything before 6am is my territory (we aren’t an early morning family, anything before that is nighttime still ) but he doesn’t leave for work til 8.30 so from 6-8am they are his responsibility. Especially when DD was a baby and up a lot in the night.

Now they sleep better so we take turns getting up, but if I’ve had a terrible night I still make him do it. He isn’t going to struggle at work getting up at 6.30 instead of 7.30am after a full night whereas that extra hour sleep really helps me when I’ve been up every couple of hours. DH hates getting up early, but he also hates getting up in the night (who doesn’t) so he accepts it’s his job to do his share

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