Dad getting up early is this fair? How do you do it?

[SnowWhite26]

Hi
So I am feeling guilty as us mums do and just wanted to see what ppl thought. So I have a 3.5 year old and nearly 7 month old. They have been in a room together for nearly a month and apart from odd morning haven't disturbed each other. My oh is working im on mat leave. So I do night feeds (Normally one bottle) baby somtimes goes straight bk to sleep sometimes decides to chat for half an hour or so. Then for about 5 45 onwards if baby wakes i want oh to deal with it so i can sleep a bit. Sometimes I am awake at night for 1.5-2 hrs coz he is chatting and in awake listening. This morning baby woke at 4.45 so i gave him anotyer bottle but he didnt want it i cuddlled him and put him down but he woke up

Kids are in bed by 7 so we have whole evening. Im normally cooking tea doing washing tidying up for a while etc but try being settled in bed by 9 at latest

Actually I think if he is only doing the early. Morni g feed/get up (so 5:30 onwards) that's not too bad. What time does he leave for work? Could you both have early nights (as a pp Saudi would sometimes go to bed early husband would do all baby care till he came to bed, I would do through the night and early morning. Or if he was working he would get up upto an hr before his alarm to deal with kids and let me sleep a bit). Be careful not to get into a tiredness compitetion it doesn't help acknowledge you are both tired (and if he won't let him do all childcare on his day off) and work out how you can compromise.

It depends on what he does for a living. If he has a difficult job that requires difficult mental work e.g. solicitor, doctor, scientist or coordinaton e.g. working woth heavy machinery, decorating cakes, whatever then he has to be well rested because your family’s income depends on it. Unless you are co distantly gettting so little sleep you are falling asleep during the day you shouldn’t be asking him to wake. You don’t need to be well rested to take care of children, you can do just as adequate a job half awake. But if he has an easy job then it’s fairer to share and your current arrangement seems good.

You don’t need to be well rested to take care of children, you can do just as adequate a job half awake

It is completely miserable being so tired you can’t function properly. It won’t be good for the OP’s health, her mental state, their relationship...
If her DH can’t cope with his job after getting up at 5.30am some mornings (a normal time for a lot of people to get up anyway) after a full interrupted nights sleep (he could go to bed at 9.30 and have a solid 8 hours) then I’d get him to see a Dr for his energy levels.

We always did whoever is up in the night, the other one gets up early in the morning. Working or not working was irrelevant as we'd go to bed early as needed.

DP is terrible in the mornings, but there's no way he'd have any expectation that I should be walking around knackered whilst he's as fresh as a daisy after 8 hours.

Im normally cooking tea doing washing tidying up for a while etc

What is your DH doing while you are doing this?

Urgh, I think women who expect their FT working partner to do and equal share of ‘night stuff’ whilst they themselves are on maternity leave, are THE WORST!!

If you’re unwell or still recovering...etc that’s different but both of you have a FT job, one out of the house and one in it! Should your DP drop his work laptop on your knee at 8pm and say ‘had a super stressful day and couldn’t get this all done- so here you go you can finish this right?’

If you don’t like being the SAHP then swap- this is nothing about gender stereotypes, but I’m fed up of listening to friends bitch about their DP who works 10 hour days and has ‘the audacity’ to not get up in the night, or not take over the childcare the moment he walks through the door- to give you a break!!

If he does one day at the weekend, getting up in the night, then you’re splitting your free nights and that’s fair!!!

My DP is an NHS surgeon, so perhaps I should make him get up with children several times through the night so he’s shattered and completely on his nerves, then pack him off to a 13 hour day where other people’s kids lives are in his hands. 😒🙄

My DP is an NHS surgeon, so perhaps I should make him get up with children several times through the night so he’s shattered and completely on his nerves, then pack him off to a 13 hour day where other people’s kids lives are in his hands

Good job there are no female surgeons then!

Urgh, I think women who expect their FT working partner to do and equal share of ‘night stuff’ whilst they themselves are on maternity leave, are THE WORST!!

Urgh, I think women who read a post about someone asking their DH to get up at 5.30am and use it as a chance to bitch about lazy SAHPs are THE WORST!!!!!!!!!!!!

Must admit I agree with Meteor. My DH did what he could but our livelihood depended on him holding down a decent job.

He should do most of the early starts and 5.30 ish isn’t that early.
If you’re sleep deprivated, and it’s different from exhaustion, you’re not going to be able to function and it will affect his life a lot more than a few early mornings.

This is Mumsnet where everyone's husband has a job that means they'll kill someone if they get 7.5 hours sleep instead of 8.

DH leave the house before 6:30 every morning, he does the night bottle too as I’m dead to the world 🙈 haha. I tell him he should wake me but it’s just a case of handing the baby a bottle so not too bad. We have a 3 year old who always comes into our bed and kicks him too which must be annoying, but I keep telling DH to move him back and he doesn’t. Anyway, I digress. We take turns having a ‘lie in’ (8:30ish) at the weekends.

He has an office job as with most jobs he needs to concentrate im not putting him down and im not saying he doesn't do his part. We work together. I do night feeds but its early mornings and the tiredness levels which are a bitch atm. He wants to play with kids when he gets home he wants to see them.

It's about being fair to both of you.

When ds was little I used to do all the nights (bfing anyway) and the really early mornings in the week because dh qas either working away in the week or up and out the door at 5.30/6am anyway.

But once ds was about 9 months old and having breakfast rather than boob I insisted we share weekend lie ins because I was on my knees. So I knew I had 1 day I could sleep for a few extra hours which made a massive difference.

Bugger the tidying up until 11pm, get yourself in bed for 9pm, tidy up around the dcs in the day. I know it's eaaier if they aren't around but it is possible. Then maybe tag team at the weekend to to do a proper clean, or pay for a cleaner if possible once a week.

Sleep is so important, I sacrificed my evenings to make sure I could function in the daytime.

Urgh, I think women who expect their FT working partner to do and equal share of ‘night stuff’ whilst they themselves are on maternity leave, are THE WORST!!

She’s asking him to get up at 5.30am a few mornings a week after having a solid nights sleep beforehand (8 solid hours if he goes to bed at 9.30), not single handedly deal with all night wakings 🙄.
Honestly these threads make me so glad for my DH who would hate to see me walking round like a zombie while he skips off to work with a spring in his step. Because he cares about me and my welfare.

Call me old fashioned, but if you are on maternity leave and Your DH is at work he should never be expected to wake up early/in the night with his DC.

Yep, you're old fashioned!

OP, if you're doing all the night feds/wakes, then I think it's fair enough asking your dh to get up with the baby at 5.45am or whenever the baby wakes.

Urgh, I think women who expect their FT working partner to do and equal share of ‘night stuff’ whilst they themselves are on maternity leave, are THE WORST!!

Meteor, OP is not asking her dh to do 'an equal share'. She's asking him to get up early some days with the baby, not do night wakings. She has not said he's a surgeon or anything like that...

Im normally cooking tea doing washing tidying up for a while etc but try being settled in bed by 9 at latest

OP, what's your h doing while you're doing this?

And honestly, anyone whose partner would struggle to function at work, whatever their job, after getting up at 5:30am despite a solid, uninterrupted 8 hours sleep beforehand really needs to encourage them to see a dr about an underlying medical condition.

My youngest is a atrocious sleeper. While I was on maternity leave I'd do most of it as I was breastfeeding anyway. He would deal with my eldest if she woke up but that wasn't often. I now work 3 days and he still doesn't sleep well. I do the overnights wakings and he gets up with him (anytime from 5). It works for us.

I think you should propose he does one early start on a weekend day and 1-3 weekdays, on specific days. (Or some night stuff on a weekend). What does he think is fair?

meteor 👏👏👏👏

I don't expect or ask my husband to do any of the night stuff and I honestly am gong into my 2 year olds room over 10 times a night plus regularly changing his sheets in the night which is another story
You’re a complete mug then and shouldn’t be giving advice to anyone else.
OP, as a PP said, if he’s tired he can go to bed earlier

this

She’s asking him to get up at 5.30am a few mornings a week after having a solid nights sleep beforehand (8 solid hours if he goes to bed at 9.30), not single handedly deal with all night wakings 🙄.

Yep. I mean, my DH isn't perfect but when I read some of the comments on a thread like this I just feel so grateful! He was up at 4.30 with DS this morning (not normal, it's usually more like 5.30) and it wasn't like I was up in the night really either! But then he's happy to spend as much time with DS in the week because he's his son!! He also couldn't help with the 14 months of 2 hourly breastfeeding hell so he's happy to help now. Don't get me wrong, we do sometimes engage in a bit of competitive tiredness but he appreciates how exhausted I am from not sitting down all day and wresting a massive toddler around and he also copes well with his job because usually it's only half an hour earlier than a perfectly normal wake up!
Also, do posters not realise that lots of people with extremely important jobs do 12 hour shifts or are on call or do days and nights so are usually very...tired!!!

Our livelihood also depends on DH holding down a decent job.
Which he can still manage to do after getting up at 5.30am with the D.C., having had 8 hours sleep. He just goes to bed earlier if he’s tired.

@GottaGetUp

You're incredibly rude.
I'm not a mug. I don't work much, less then 6 hours a week. I have everything I need. My husband gets up at 5-6 to go to work. I make him lunch every day. He looks after me and our son amazingly. He protects and provides for us. Because I am at home I do the nights. That does not make me a mug. It's part of being a mum.

I wonder how your husband feels hearing you use words like "mug" it's not very polite.