Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Please or to access all these features

Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Self soothing 1 month old???

109 replies

Jackafina · 25/02/2019 18:59

Me and DH are both really keen to not have our 1 month old DS be dependant on us fussing her to get her to stop crying, however, I'm really struggling with leaving her to cry it out. This is my first but DH's second time around so I feel like he knows what he's talking about. He also struggles with depression and anxiety and so I'm worried about bringing it up with him in case I trigger something.
Any ideas? Not really sure what kind of help I'm asking for....just need a sounding board I think...

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Wallsbangers · 25/02/2019 23:21

Your baby is tiny, the only person they know is you, and you don't give a shit about them.

If you can't cope, if you cannot understand why what you are doing is terrible and why so many people have commented to say "don't do it" then you need to get an urgent appointment with your HV who will hopefully be able to help you.

Lulubelle15 · 25/02/2019 23:43

May I ask why you even bothered to have a baby when your stating that you don't want the baby to be dependant on you at 1 month old?! Reading your post makes me feel incredibly sad for your child - crying is their only form of communication, i.e. they need something from YOU! As pp have said, please read up on the fourth trimester.

Cocopops2010 · 25/02/2019 23:47

I feel really sad reading this. Please listen to the advice you’ve been given. Your baby needs love and attention.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Rtmhwales · 25/02/2019 23:53

I'm all for crying it out, normally. Not at one month old. I don't think they're developmentally capable of that at 1 month.

DS is 8 months old and has reliably self soothed from a couple months old (maybe six weeks?) but he achieved that naturally, not from being left to cry. Some babies just figure it out earlier than others.

pinkboa · 26/02/2019 00:12

Some people should not be allowed to reproduce...

SleepingStandingUp · 26/02/2019 00:18

@Jackafina She cries for about half an hour to an hour every few days or so if she’s had a particularly sleepy day
And for that time she needs you fussing her to comfort her because she is dependent on you. That's how new babies work!

Samind · 26/02/2019 00:24

Yeah babies don't realise they're separate beings for a good while so baby doesn't understand why shes on her own without you for comfort or security given that you provided her with this for a long time so to suddenly withdraw will not make sense to her. It's really frightening for babies until they come to trust an know their care givers. I know what people mean about babies cry making something go off inside you. It's crazy! But beautiful :)

MumUnderTheMoon · 26/02/2019 00:28

I also think that it is important that babies can self soothe. The thing is that when such a young baby cries it is usually for a reason. Hungry, wet etc. If you have done everything and they are still crying then you need to find something that provides comfort. My dd loved her oscillating baby chair we had a similar on to the photo or you could swaddle the baby so they feel secure.

Self soothing 1 month old???
WBWIFE · 26/02/2019 00:31

OP baby is far too young to self soothe. Babies at that age cry for a reason, hungry, in pain, nappy change or just needing a cuddle! It's a big wide strange world for them and you are the only thing to them that is familiar from your smell and sound and touch. Baby wants to feel safe.

If you have a Google it says not to use cry it out or the softer version of it until a lot older. (Not saying I agree or disagree with these methods but even the guides say to use when a lot older)

This isn't a dig as I know how hard it is to be a first time mum, and how stressful it can be for baby to cry a lot. My DD had silent reflux and would cry a lot especially after a feed. Do you think baby has something like that?

MrsG010814 · 26/02/2019 00:43

Your poor baby. Some people really don't deserve to have children. Hopefully you'll see sense for your baby's sake.

ChristmasArmadillo · 26/02/2019 01:16

I have sleep trained each of mine - I’m just saying that to say that I’m not necessarily a big attachment theory / never let them cry parent. However, your child is 28 DAYS OLD. You are neglecting them. They cry as their only form of communication, and they are crying because they need something. Being held and comforted by their mother is a need. You really cannot sleep train until they have passed the age where they realize that “out of sight” does not equal “gone forever.” You are teaching your helpless little baby a very negative lesson right now.

That aside, OP, you are never ever going to look back on this time and wish you’d held your newborn less. It’s gone so fast, and it won’t ever come back. Of course she’s dependent on you and that’s not something to train out of her. Teach her that you’re dependable first, then teach her to sleep alone if that’s what you want.

fullprice · 26/02/2019 01:28

Hi OP.
Firstly congratulations on your new arrival.
I have a little baby too. It’s my first and my husbands second- that brings an interesting dynamic!
Please don’t stop talking to us. I’d like to understand more.
What is motivating you to think about the cry-it-put method?
Are you worried about the baby being over-reliant?
Are you feeling incredibly exhausted and just need more time to yourself?
Or have you been told by those around you (like your partner and mum) that it worked for them and their children?

Am curious to know more and then maybe we can see if we can help

Boobiliboobiliboo · 26/02/2019 07:11

If you have done everything and they are still crying then you need to find something that provides comfort.

Mother Nature invented this wonderful thing called “cuddles”, and hormones which make giving them instinctive. They comfort babies and even assist with their brain development. You can’t outsource that. You might as well have the baby sent straight to boarding school if you can’t be bothered to attend to their needs at barely a month old.

Boobiliboobiliboo · 26/02/2019 07:12

Are you worried about the baby being over-reliant?

A one month old baby cannot be over-reliant on its parents.

icanthelpyou · 26/02/2019 07:13

That’s so sad Sad and cruel. Be there for your baby.

youngmammy · 26/02/2019 07:18

If your baby is crying for no given reason at that age and all the baby's need are met he/she just probably just wants to snuggle in my little one is getting on for 10months time goes so quickly trust me you should be absorbing every snuggle you can possibly get because it doesn't last very long then you'll miss it xx

coffeeforone · 26/02/2019 07:27

Hi OP, I would try a sling, that worked really well with mine at that age when they were crying. A little movement in the sling and stopped fussing immediately and fell asleep with little effort required from me. Baby feels safe and secure and you can get on with what you need to do (everything except shower) Win-win!

MiniTheMinx · 26/02/2019 07:37

Jackafina, new born babies do not have the capacity to self sooth. Babies can though learn to settle themselves, in time. 4 weeks is too young.

However I agree that you need to ensure you have changed and fed baby and checked there is nothing wrong. You are right to think this. But it will be several weeks before your baby is able to settle without you, and several more weeks before she will reliably settle most of the time without you.

Things you can do to encourage your baby to learn to self sooth. ..... Own cot, routine, constant room temperature, change baby before feeding and never the other way around, dark room, be quiet, little stimulation, swaddle them and tuck them in securely.

Mine both found their thumbs. DS1 (now 18) found his thumb before we even left the hospital! So we never had dummies, thumbs are always there! They can't throw them out of the cot or lose them. I gave both very small teddies they could grip in their hands. They were very attached to these. This helped.

Both slept through from about 11 weeks. And DS could be put down awake from about 6 weeks.

But you have to realise that if they are crying and can't settle they really do need you. So whilst you might try to create the conditions in which they settle on their own there will always be times when they can't.

Crying it out seems to work on the basis that a fractious grumpy tired baby exhausts itself to sleep. And it does, but at what cost to the child's mental well-being?

DurhamDurham · 26/02/2019 07:46

Are you worried about the baby being over-reliant?

How on earth can a one month old baby be anything but totally reliant on its parents? Shock

LorelaiRoryEmily · 26/02/2019 07:57

Your Dh’s issues are far less important than your baby’s needs. He’s an idiot for suggesting that she should cry it out. That is cruel. She’s one month old and the two people she’s totally dependent on don’t want to hold her when she cries? Unbelievable. Poor little baby

spicygirl26 · 26/02/2019 08:03

If you woke up in the night upset for one reason or another , would you want to be ignored?
It's a new born baby for gods sake.
A month ago he/she was warm and tucked up safely inside you, and now you just want to ignore them?

It's a baby. Babies ARE dependent on you.

fullprice · 26/02/2019 08:25

@Durhamdurham
@boobiliboobiliboo

I know that a baby cannot be anything but reliant on its primary caregiver.

I know how important that primary attachment is. I don’t just know it in a bodily sense (what every fibre of my being tells me) but I also know all the research - from early psychotherapeutic studies to latest Neuroscience ones on how the brain develops in these early stages and the role of cortisol etc.

Judgement as initial response to
someone seeking advice doesn’t generally work in life, and nor does it on this thread.. as we can see.
The OP mentioned the issue of dependency. I’d like to understand more what the concern is.

I also think all posters should be hyper vigilant when posting to new mothers, for obvious reasons.

SnuggyBuggy · 26/02/2019 08:36

I think the problem is when people seek validation rather than advice or opinions anything that is not validation, however kindly phrased is going to be offensive.

whataremyoption · 26/02/2019 08:50

I find these threads so upsetting. Care for your child ffs.

riddles26 · 26/02/2019 09:11

Is it really necessary to be so nasty to OP and imply she shouldn't be allowed to have children?! The poor lady is clearly not aware of why newborns are not left to cry it out and has asked for advice. It is no surprise she was so defensive when people speak with such a nasty.

Unfortunately, the reality is that people in RL do advise leaving such young babies to cry so I'm not surprised she was confused. A family friend (who is a mum of 4) told me I absolutely had to leave my 3 week old to cry when I was really struggling and up all night for days on end - apparently he would never learn to sleep if I didn't leave him alone Hmm. Fortunately I knew better and stopped talking to her about sleep. Everyone doesn't know better and may think that advice is correct.

As fullprice pointed out, please consider she is a new mum, hormonal and emotional. Messages telling her she is an unfit mother can be enough to tip her over the edge.

OP please don't leave your baby to cry as they are too young to comfort themselves, work on ways to comfort baby and I promise things will get better

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.