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Parenting

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Original poster

Backing up the other parent, what would you have done?

31 replies

TescoValueUserName · 21/02/2019 20:33

I get that ideally you should always have a united front in front of the children, but what if the other parent is plain wrong?

2 examples, tonight there was an argument between my 6 year old and her dad about a "massive scratch on her face" she was crying and saying it wasnt there, he was then even more annoyed with her for arguing with him. She came in to me and I had a look, the massive scratch down her face was about half a cm long and hadn't even drawn blood. I said I wouldn't say it was a massive scratch but you have a small one at the top of your nose. He was pissed off with me for siding with her.

Then last week, she was coming downstairs and slipped down 1 step. He was in the kitchen and shouted at her for running downstairs, I said she wasn't running, he then had a go at me as he knew she was, he wasn't near the stairs and hadn't seen anything.

There have been other things too where he has told her off for doing something when I know she hasn't and he's then been pissed off with me for contradicting him.

I feel like I need to back my daughter up but am I doing the wrong thing here?

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Notso · 21/02/2019 22:25

Going just by what you've said these seem like incredibly pointless arguments.
Why was the conflict over the scratch? Why did it matter to an adult to be right about the size of a scratch?
I think if the stairs thing happened in our house then DH would apologise and we'd all move on.
I think in general it is best to be united on important issues but that doesn't mean you never question the other parent.

AmIAWeed · 21/02/2019 22:32

I do side with my husband front of the kids but if I believe he was wrong I pull him aside after the event and vice versa. We wait until til after as when issues do occur it's rarely about what has just happened so time to cool off is important. We are however both grown up enough to say to the kids "sorry, I overreacted" and that's the end of it ... However none of your examples seem worthy of falling out over

cestlavielife · 21/02/2019 22:34

You d ont back up someone who is bein gv over the top
Continue to speak up for dd

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delilahbucket · 21/02/2019 22:38

If my dp is blatantly wrong I will say something at the time. Generally he will apologise and we move on. Same vice versa. Your dp sounds like he's getting far too annoyed over really minor things. Is there something else going on?

leigh39 · 21/02/2019 22:42

If he is dramatizing each situation maybe have a word with him on the quiet .. often when we do it in front of our children it does not show a United front and the children jump on it as they grow.... obviously your husband the occasions you state needs to be put in his place and tell him you don't feel
Comfortable backing him up when he is clearly over the top , and you will only back him up when you believe it to be necessary ...

Original poster

TescoValueUserName · 21/02/2019 23:49

Thanks everyone. I just can't back him up when he is blatantly wrong, it seems to be giving a very bad message to my daughter if I either agree with him or don't say anything at all.

Funny how a few have said that your husbands would apologise if they were wrong or overreacted, he would NEVER apologise for that, he would just stick to his guns and get more and more annoyed if anyone argued. He wouldn't ever admit he was wrong.

OP posts:

TheJobNeverEnded · 22/02/2019 07:17

@TescoValueUserName

He wouldn't ever admit he was wrong

That isn't the best example to set for a child.

The stairs issue has actually happened in our house, Dh flew off the handle saying don't run down the stairs. I said (with Ds2 stood right next to us) he was walking and just missed the last step. Dh then apologised to Ds2 and I explained that Daddy worries that you will hurt yourself and you are so loved we don't want to see you get hurt.

Dh could see immediately that his first response should have been "are you alright?" and so he worked on responding firstly with the well-being of the child, then any reprimand for doing something they shouldn't but in calm voice rather than an exasperated voice and an explanation of why you shouldn't do something, ie you might get hurt, or break the furniture.

He grew up with a Father that would have just flown off the handle and never backed down if he was wrong. He desperately wanted to change his own behaviour so he was not his Dad.

Ds2 is now 13 and has a great relationship with Dh.

chocolatebuttonsandcheese · 22/02/2019 07:19

Keep backing your daughter - if you don't she swill resent you in later life.

SaturdayNext · 22/02/2019 07:51

You need to talk to your DH about his inability to admit he's wrong when he obviously is. These issues could resolve themselves perfectly amicably and he would set a much better example if he did.

DH went through a phase like this and for a bit I tended to keep the peace. It came to a head when he blamed the children for something I knew they hadn't done, refused to listen to me when I said so, and started shouting at me. At that point I saw red; I didn't shout but told him very firmly that I'd had enough of this, I wasn't going to tolerate him shouting at me, nor would I support him blaming the children for something they hadn't done, and he needed to stop trying to bully us all. It really brought him up short, mainly I think because he expected me to pussyfoot around his bad temper as I'd done before, so that in fact it shocked him out of it. I wished I'd done it before.

AuntieCJ · 22/02/2019 07:57

If he's like this a lot I can see no reason why you are still with him.

user1493413286 · 22/02/2019 07:59

Normally I would say you should back the other person up but i don’t understand why he was telling her off in either scenario.

doesntfeellikevalentines · 22/02/2019 08:33

@TescoValueUserName We have the same situation here. Reading it from someone else makes it blindingly obvious how wrong it is. Backing up your partner is all well and good if they're being reasonable. But in situations like yours it means backing up an unfairness. That's not a good example to set for DCs. How brilliant it would be to be like the PPs who have partners who admit if they've overreacted.

Bluntness100 · 22/02/2019 08:39

It's absolutely awful to back the other parent up, knowing they are wrong and the child is right, it's beyond shit and a terrible lesson to teach your kids about who you are.

If he's wrong say it. And yes he should be apologising. It's unpleasant behaviour to not apologise and a poor lesson to teach a child, and it's just as bad to collude knowing they are wrong.

TansyTree · 22/02/2019 10:55

Thanks everyone. I just can't back him up when he is blatantly wrong, it seems to be giving a very bad message to my daughter if I either agree with him or don't say anything at all
You are right here

doesntfeellikevalentines · 22/02/2019 12:48

@TescoValueUserName It's always about 'little' things isn't it? Makes me feel like I'm being over sensitive when I pick him up on it - could be he's slightly raised his voice or getting crosser than things deserve.

adrienneJ · 22/02/2019 15:30

Its isn't giving a bad message to your daughter by shouting at her for running down the stairs when she'd actually tripped. To then confront your husband saying 'she wasn't running' just sounds utterly childish.

You should co-parent, back each other up, and if you disagree, do so away from your children.

Anyone who's telling you your daughtyer will resent you for not sticking up for her has a moronic view on parenting.

Dimsumlosesum · 22/02/2019 15:48

I see it as very strange he views it as "going against him" and "siding" with your daughter. Very immature behaviour. When one of us has got it wrong ie I might be said what did you do? And dh says, it wasn't him it was middle one, I make a point to apologise to son. That's it, no issues, no accusing, it's not even an issue.

Original poster

TescoValueUserName · 22/02/2019 16:01

AdrienneJ, so if he is telling her off for doing something that I know she didn't do, you think I should back him up in front of her but then point out to him later on away from her that he was wrong? So last night I should have agreed with him that there was a massove scratch on her face even though there wasn't?

OP posts:

Original poster

TescoValueUserName · 22/02/2019 16:03

Thanks for everyone's input.

Doesntfeellikevalentines, yes, anything little thing that he can try and control and make me seem unreasonable for. People say leave but it's easier said than done.

OP posts:

SaturdayNext · 22/02/2019 16:06

Have you RTFT, AdrienneJ? Why is it OK to shout at a child for running downstairs when she wasn't? And she didn't trip, she slipped?

What is moronic is saying that one spouse should back up the other automatically even when the spouse in question is blatantly in the wrong. It just leads to the child losing respect for both parents. If OP's husband had any sense, he'd use both incidents as a valuable lesson to his daughter that, when you're in the wrong, you admit it and apologise.

adrienneJ · 22/02/2019 16:51

Well personally if it was me and I'd seen that she had slipped on the stairs but hadn't been actually running and my husband had told her off for running, I'd of said "well you wern't that time but you often come running down the stairs so don't". I'm assuming he wouldn't just say it if it had never happened.

I think its always important to have a united front.

If you're considering leaving him then do you not think your resentment for him might be working its way into other areas and thats why you're not standing united?

Original poster

TescoValueUserName · 22/02/2019 17:08

But she wasn't! Surely it's pointless me telling her not to run down the stairs when she wasn't?! Isn't it a bit like being stopped for speeding when you weren't, but the police give you points anyway because you have done in the past?

I'm considering leaving him because of his general bullying and controlling behaviour. I've not said any more about it in this thread because it was this specific thing I wanted advice on.

OP posts:

SaturdayNext · 22/02/2019 17:13

So how do you know OP's daughter often runs downstairs, @adrienneJ? If this man can make a half centimetre scratch that doesn't draw blood into a massive scratch, I wouldn't rely on his perceptions to be reliable in any way.

Presenting a united front when you know the other parent is wrong just makes you both look stupid and detsroys your child's respect.

Dimsumlosesum · 22/02/2019 18:03

Personally, I would put my children first, before any man. But that's because I've had a child die. So maybe it's different.

doesntfeellikevalentines · 22/02/2019 21:05

@TescoValueUserName - and does he behave like nothing happened the next time you see him? (Wondering if we're married to the same man!) Also to the person who said DC should be told off for running. She wasn't!! So you'd be telling her off for something she wasn't doing. That's infuriating and stupid and will chip away at the respect she has for the parent. And it's even worse if the other parent backs them up, surely?!?

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